Facing Myself Without Booze with Kristian Nylund

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellas, what's going on. I hope this episode finds you well. And as always, I hope this episode leaves you better than when it found you. Today's episode is with my friend Christian Nyland, and he's the creator of the Sober Identity Community and someone who recently reached two years, I believe, sober.

[00:00:49] Hector: And we recorded this before he hit that milestone, but it's such an important conversation for those who are dealing with Sober Identity. Sobriety and addiction in its most typical sense and in what, most people might associate with. those words and also the different types of addiction and the different types of sobriety because not only do we talk about what it takes to break some of these harmful addictions but then also the challenges that come along with being able to keep and stay away from some of those oftentimes from the the challenge comes from from not even in inside yourself right it's this it's the world or the people that we surround ourselves with and so it's a it's just a really good important conversation.

[00:01:41] Hector: And, uh, I'm excited to bring you my buddy Christian. So enough of me, y'all let's get into today's episode with Christian Madeline.

[00:01:50] Hector: Christian, welcome to the Modern Masculinity Podcast. It is an honor to have you here, my man.

[00:01:55] Kristian: Hey, Hector, it's a pleasure, buddy. Been looking forward to it. Excited to, uh, chatting about real stuff.

[00:02:02] Hector: Yeah, take us into your world. We come from a lot of the same worlds. And I think the new, it seems like a new thing, because I don't remember a lot of people saying it growing up, but we're not like single dads. And if we say we're single dads, people on the internet will get all in a tiffy.

[00:02:18] Hector: So the new word is we're solo, we're solo dads. but I, you know, that's something we share it and obviously a big part of your world, whether it's that or, you're a pilot, you know, you kind of have a new platform you're building. you're, amongst, I just named all of the external roles and then you have yourself, that you still are.

[00:02:37] Hector: But when I list all of those responsibilities that we have as a man, you know, all these things that we have to shoulder carry. what sort of challenges or onuses or things do you feel like you're carrying right now as a man?

[00:02:51] Kristian: It's a wonderful question. And you know what? When you asked that question, my reaction would have been completely different two years ago. I like hearing the question now because it just brings on some cool emotion because I've worked really hard to get to this place and to talk about challenges. I mean, I've had a ton of them the last, well, I'd say the last five years, but more, more specifically the last couple.

[00:03:18] Hector: I want to get in, I want to get into that because I think that'll be a big conversation. If you could take us to the roundabout, Because I think a lot of people, they think that there's a place that they get to and we're going to talk about your journey of overcoming some real shit. But then I think that a lot of men, at least in my head, I thought that I was like, oh, there's this place where I'm going to get to where all of a sudden it's Everything's going to be easy or like, all of the clouds are going to part and everything's just going to be easy.

[00:03:43] Hector: And I know, and from doing this, I've realized that our problems, our obstacles, our challenges, they just sort of evolved. So I'm curious though, like five years later, I want to kind of get, but if you can give us a sneak peek of like today, how that's evolved and then still some of the new, maybe the new challenges that you're fighting through.

[00:03:59] Kristian: yeah, absolutely. So I'd go with some of the newer challenges are just starting to live my life in a way that is fully authentic to me. Yeah. And that's been part of the journey is figuring out why I can't feel like I can be myself a hundred percent authentically all the time. And now that I'm getting a taste of it, how does that dynamic shift the way I live my life, the way that I challenge myself, set goals, the way that I parent my two daughters, I've got a nine and seven year old daughter.

[00:04:28] Kristian: And that even that dynamic has changed in a beautiful way based off of a lot of the work that I've done. But I would say the challenges now are what's next. I was, I just got back from Atlanta. I was doing some training there. so I had a long flight last night and I always find flights to be a very meditative experience for me.

[00:04:47] Kristian: And I do a lot of my best work, Journaling is sitting on a flight. And so last night I got to thinking and I got really wound up and excited because I felt so at peace where I'm at right now, but in turn that has completely, some doors have started flying open to create a tad bit of overwhelm, but a boatload of excitement of like, wow, now.

[00:05:13] Kristian: I'm actually going to be able to tap into what I'm truly passionate about. Not what I think external factors or, what other men or people are doing around me and trying to measure up to that, I'm like, fuck that noise. I'm now going to step into what does Christian enjoy? What does he want to do?

[00:05:29] Kristian: And what are his skill sets to tap into a lot of these. Basically invisible opportunities to an extent, but now that I can see things from a different lens, that is starting to get really cool. So the challenges are exciting challenges now versus in the past, they were challenges to where I was stressed to the max.

[00:05:48] Kristian: I was, leaning on crutches to get through the chaos. And now that all that's dissipating, it's going to start getting really fun.

[00:05:56] Hector: Yeah. Yeah. I think people listen to podcasters. Now when I started podcasting, no one gave a shit about podcasters. Now people listen to podcasters more than they listen to like real quote unquote, mainstream, whatever. So I've got to start remembering my sources.

[00:06:11] Hector: But I've heard and I heard someone say that there is a there's a real thing to that working, while you're flying something to do with your blood and the brain not having to carry as much of a load, essentially. You know, it does less work up there. And so the oxygen in a weird way, sort of like, it's not richer cause that's not the right word, but basically your, your brain is on, steroids up there.

[00:06:31] Hector: I have the opposite effect. I go up there and I want to take a nap, but that's just because I'm like, I'm like, all right, this is some, finally some Pete time to myself. and I don't do well with like that many people all around me. So anyways, take us back to you you said these other challenges you started to build this platform and sort of, really start to help people along this journey that we connected later, sort of after it.

[00:06:55] Hector: I don't know how public it was while you were going through it. But take us through what, that sort of big journey was like. And maybe if you could take us back to like when you feel like it started or like when you feel like that sort of I don't know, whenever this sort of challenge started to bubble up in your mind.

[00:07:15] Kristian: Yeah. So if I can go back in time, the biggest thing that I have uncovered over the years has been, heavy sense of insecurity with myself. And that has spilled into a lot of the ways that I've, functioned over the years and decisions I've made, relationships I've been in just situations around where I'm basically molding myself to society.

[00:07:39] Kristian: And that's been so apparent over the years. And that has led to a lot of different things. And, specifically my relationship with alcohol being one, which I figure we touch on that on this episode. And then two, just a lot of relationships that I've been through, specifically my divorce back in 2019, that really shifted my mindset of.

[00:08:03] Kristian: all this crap is happening to me. Why two, well, you got yourself into this and what about you is. Is putting yourself in these situations. And that was the first small, but giant step for me as an individual, as a man, as a father to finally turn to the mirror and go, dude, you have a lot of work to do.

[00:08:26] Kristian: Let's start doing it. Let's start getting into that uncomfortable zone and let's start to uncover. Some of these things. And that's where the journey began. So the last two, two and a half years is when I really started to look at myself and go, what is going on with me? I can't put blame on everybody else.

[00:08:45] Kristian: I can't put blame on my parents. I can't put blame on the individuals I've been in relationships with. I can't put blame on any external factors. I got to look within. That is a really hard. Truth pill to swallow. And I never forget the moments of just feeling like, Oh, like it's so true, but I hate the fact that I am that way, but I was so gung ho and still am to figure out how do I get past that?

[00:09:12] Kristian: How do I shift? And how do I, how do I work on this? You know, and that's led into meeting a great group of guys, front road dads, which is how you and I met, and I've, I've really started to shift my circle to help support me in this journey and to go, Hey guys, here's what I deal with. Here's what I've been through.

[00:09:32] Kristian: What about you guys? and stepping deep into that vulnerable place has been. Beyond transformational and it's so empowering, but it also makes other people uncomfortable too. And there's even times for me where I feel a little bit uncomfortable admitting certain things or talking about certain things.

[00:09:49] Kristian: But if you have the right support system around you, it becomes effortless. It truly does, and to have people like yourself and many other. People that we both know together. It's so refreshing and such a relief. And it takes the edge off of all these challenges that we're facing and it switches them and shifts them from being something that completely bogs you down.

[00:10:11] Kristian: To things that will bring on a more positive more exciting shift and it's been so cool it's been a lot of work and a long journey, but I feel like a completely different person now So it just makes all that so much worth it.

[00:10:25] Hector: Well, yeah, that's the hard part, right? Is that I only know this version, right? Like I only know this side of you.

[00:10:32] Hector: Christian, the, challenge is, is that I only know this version that's sort of turned the corner that's, come back. And in the hero's journey, there's this return to the village and everybody claps and applauds and says, great job. You know, you're so amazing. But what set it off or what was, you know, if you're going back to the beginning, was there a moment of self awareness or a moment where you woke up to the fact that it needed to change?

[00:10:54] Hector: Because I would imagine that it seems like these sort of things, they kind of linger under the surface for a while. And then, Either someone wakes up or something wakes them up was there that sort of moment for you?

[00:11:06] Kristian: I think you could best describe it as A moment that was constantly building. And there were little glimpses into various moments where I just, in the back of my mind and in my gut, I'm like, this needs to stop. This needs to end. Something needs to change. And I, I've always uttered this to myself for probably the last 15 years.

[00:11:29] Kristian: And it was always. If you don't stop doing this, you'll never live up to your full potential. That was the driving force for me because I've always been a high achieving individual, insecurity leads to that, right? I need to prove myself. I need to be better than you, faster than you, smarter than you make more money than you.

[00:11:48] Kristian: That was always my mentality. And I certainly exceeded that with a lot of my different ventures, you know, in sports, in school. I was at the top of my game, top of my class. And so that

[00:11:59] Kristian: was always a drive.

[00:12:01] Hector: I've got to think that, like, fast forward to you're an adult, I'm trying to guess where you're at in your life, a married dad, that sort of like, you have all these responsibilities, pilot, you're like, you've got it put together you are winning.

[00:12:11] Hector: he's got it right, and also, one thing that we've talked about is that alongside of that there is this, whether it be culture of. Just drinking in the industry. You know, I remember for me, we used to go on work trips and we would be traveling, you know, and there would be two or three layovers, cause we'd be going far or somewhere hokey dokey.

[00:12:32] Hector: And so on each leg, we'd stop and get a shot of whiskey. Because that's just what you did, you know, and it was on the, it was on the company. so, you know, put it on the company card and you made all the excuses, all the reasons. the other side of it is like, not a single person thought anything wrong with it.

[00:12:49] Hector: it was 7am sometimes,

[00:12:51] Kristian: Oh yeah.

[00:12:52] Hector: no one batted and, and even people who would typically judge. Someone who would drink it said, you know, it's five p. m. somewhere. You know, there's that whole saying or whatever. that goes away. And so I guess my point is to say, like, doing all this in the midst of this environment That is like isn't conducive to being healthy.

[00:13:10] Hector: it sort of creates this, it creates these patterns that are accepted. but unhealthy in so many ways. And I got to imagine that's a hard battle to fight in terms of waking up because you're like everybody's literally everybody. I'm walking, through the terminals.

[00:13:27] Hector: And everybody's got a beer everybody's sitting at the bars and the bars are always full, so is that something that you dealt with? Or maybe you can just sort of speak to like, what you saw from the outside in terms of, society and culture and all the things that get pressed on, on you there from, uh, the standpoint of alcohol.

[00:13:44] Kristian: Yeah, I mean, the alcohol thing is so interesting my journey with, drinking has been so cool to go back. Now I've been, the end of this year will be two years of sobriety and my take on it has shifted as time has gone on to where I've realized why. Why I stepped into that arena in the first place.

[00:14:07] Kristian: that's the most eyeopening piece because I can go back in time. My very first drink was on a senior trip in high school. And it was not a moment in time where I was really excited. It was part of my core values. It was part of something that like, I'm going to do this and this is going to be very beneficial for my life.

[00:14:24] Kristian: It was a, let me just lay on my back. I guess this is what people do. I want to be part of the masses moment. And that to me. It sucks so bad because that just goes to show that I wasn't in a place to be able to be myself and be an individual and say, I do not give a shit what the rest of society does.

[00:14:44] Kristian: And certainly what men do. I'm not drinking. That's always been who I've been. And all through high school, I love sports. I was the guy who was, Not going to the parties and not drinking. Top of my game. I pride myself on that. I'm not entirely sure why maybe it was a firstborn thing.

[00:15:01] Kristian: I wanted to be, the good boy and do everything right. But it's so cool to look at that moment because now I find not drinking so empowering because that's who Christian Nyland is to the core. I do not care what you think about it now. And that has taken me up until this point to be able to say that with conviction.

[00:15:20] Kristian: And even if I get an onslaught of, well, you're an idiot. You're no fun. Why don't you drink? Everybody else drinks. You're never going to have friends, blah, blah, blah. I can sit comfortably and go, I don't care because I have all kinds of other friends now, and I seen the light and I've seen the community and the sober community and people that have worked really hard to get to this place, all wonderful people.

[00:15:43] Kristian: Who started that addiction for various reasons, but there's so many out there that don't touch the stuff. And it's so cool to walk through the terminal, walk next to a bar at a hotel where guys are getting totally blasted. And I strolled in my hotel room, feeling wonderful, content. And know that that is not what I want for my life.

[00:16:02] Kristian: And that is so cool to sit here and say, and feel it, you know, emotionally of that is what I do not want. And it has driven me nuts. And I tried to be at the top of my game with that too. And you better believe you talked to some of my old partying buddies. Christian is fun to drink with but that was the issue.

[00:16:19] Kristian: That was what people. Valued with me. How fucking sad is that? That was the piece where I'd wake up in the morning go. This is so pathetic You are so worth so much more than this and your potential like I talked about before You can be something great. You are something great But this is the anchor that's dragging you to the bottom of the sea and I knew it That I was too damn scared to finally yank the plug and say i'm done And so I had to really push my drinking to finally be so sick and tired of it and new year's day of 2023.

[00:16:53] Kristian: That's when I said, that's it. I'm at least going the whole year and I'm going to see where it goes. As the year kept ticking, it was a no brainer. Now I don't even think twice about it. It's like the days stack up. It doesn't matter anymore because that is who I am. So just so cool. It's so cool to finally take a stand and be yourself.

[00:17:11] Kristian: And it pays dividends, but that is where the fear piece kicks in. And that's why I've seen so many men in particular, they are fucking terrified to make the proper change for themselves. And that's where, if you're willing to go and push past your fear, and that goes with anything. great things can happen on the other end.

[00:17:29] Hector: Yeah. This being willing to like go against the grain that for me happened in college. I remember in high school, you had to work to get alcohol. So like we just busted a mission outside the, liquor store for two and a half hours.

[00:17:42] Hector: We're going to drink this beer. I don't care how warm it is. I don't care how, how gross it is. We're going to drink this beer just, just because of it. But then in college, you know, things became easier and it was, like you said, it became the culture. And I remember seeing that moment where people's Value and identity got put into, and I know it wasn't just all, but it was like this partying thing.

[00:18:03] Hector: And it was like, I, thankfully had some sort of outlet in terms of, I was, starting my vector cocoa business and sort of finding entrepreneurship and going like, thankfully, I had another route, I very easily could have gone that route and, partied, with the college kids and done the normal sort of thing.

[00:18:18] Hector: And, I'm grateful because it gave me a little bit of a head start, and I also look back on it and I'm like, dude, you were, I look back at pictures and I'm like, holy shit, were you fat? Like, were you so, were you so like, it was like my face was fat. I obviously like, I didn't feel or I never in that moment did I think like, oh, I'm fat.

[00:18:40] Hector: because I was sort of maybe skinny fat, but I look back in my, what I'm moving towards into is on top of the societal and the other sort of things you mentioned that, the clarity, the focus, the, being on top of your game, I realized in that moment, like there were Saturday nights, we would go out and, you know, do typical Saturday night stuff and get back at typical Saturday night hours, but I'd have to work Sunday and I'd have a full line of either sales appointments or I'd have to go into the office and, do sales work on Sunday.

[00:19:10] Hector: And if I was hung over, there was No shot that I was at, like, I could see I was not at the top of my game. it was just evident the numbers, the numbers showed it. and that for me was like a big, like. Okay. what are you going to do, what choices are you going to make and what decisions are you making?

[00:19:26] Hector: And I, think that guys ultimately have to sort of make those be willing to go against the grain and be different, which, I think it's a hard thing for a lot of guys do.

[00:19:36] Kristian: Yeah, absolutely. And it's so prevalent what you described. I mean, you are tons of guys who are high achievers who play this game. they will sacrifice being on top of their game. To go have a good time, you know, at a social event, I mean, the event I was just at, there's a bunch of guys down at the hotel lobby bar doing their thing, you know, and that was me too.

[00:19:59] Kristian: I would have sacrificed going. Actually, I would have just accepted the fact that I was going to be hung over tomorrow, like I just pick up whatever, you know, and go into bed at two in the morning and have to show up at six for a meeting or whatnot. This is the norm for a lot of of people, people do this.

[00:20:14] Kristian: They just accept it. They're like, well, I know I'm just going to be hung over, but it's going to be so fun. I'm going to miss out. this is what I do. I just, I can't say no. And it's so sad, but it's so true. And we see it everywhere. but you do have choices. You have a choice and people could say, Oh, you're just so lame.

[00:20:30] Kristian: If you don't want to party and drink and you know, it's free drinks from the company, why wouldn't you want to do it? It's like, yeah, I've done it. I did it for 20 plus years and I never woke up the next morning to be like, Oh my God, that was the best night. I'm so glad that I drank that night, and you mentioned that to people and they'll kind of smile and deep down, they know like, yeah, the guy's right, but we don't take the step further to actually analyze what it is that we're actually doing and whether or not that's.

[00:20:57] Kristian: That's worth your time and effort and pain and everything else and anxiety and you name it. So, yeah, it very interesting stuff.

[00:21:06] Hector: Yeah. And I can't stand on a pedestal and say, I'm, I don't have my vices. I didn't drink, but I smoked a lot of weed during those times. And it was like, I found the ones where, I made the excuse or whatever made the justification that, you know, I could wake up and not be hung over and whatever, like the whole sort of thing.

[00:21:25] Hector: So I don't ever say like, I don't ever want to. Come up high and mighty and be like, you know, whatever. So just, just for the listeners, but my question and the reason I say that is that in my relationship with weed, there's been times where I've like, it's not just a switch always to just be like, okay, I'm done.

[00:21:40] Hector: You know, and let me just turn that off and let me go off this way for you. Was there, moments, was it just a switch that you just flipped one day? And it was like, okay, we're, past that. Or did you have to stumble through it? Or like, take us through the actual, I don't know, transition is kind of a loaded word these days.

[00:21:57] Hector: I don't know if you're, I don't know if you're transitioning, maybe you are,

[00:22:01] Kristian: You never know, Hector. You never know.

[00:22:03] Hector: Take us through that, like, that, that point of evolution, if you will. And if it was, smooth or rocky or like, what did that look like?

[00:22:11] Kristian: Yeah, sure. To answer that. It was not a switch. this was a process for me. And I think for most that go through this, the trial and error is real. Some people are able to just flip the switch. That for me, that was not the case, but my first attempt at sobriety was, during the COVID the COVID situation exposed people's drinking habits, like you wouldn't believe because it was a green light.

[00:22:35] Kristian: I'm not allowed to go anywhere. I can sit in the comforts of my home, get blasted because why not? I'm not working. A lot of people, either lost their jobs or they're furloughed for a bit, or they. just for working less, that was my case. so I had all this free time, right? I'm a single dad.

[00:22:51] Kristian: I don't have my, girls. I can't really go anywhere. I got to socially distance. So I'm lining up. I mean, I've looked at some pictures that have popped up recently and it's been like, just, A lineup of IPAs and a bottle of scotch in the middle of like my hall from the store. And I was so proud of myself.

[00:23:09] Kristian: I thought I was having the best time of my life. I'm drunk dialing all my buddies. Like it was insane. And I was living on this like total bender and just gave myself the green light because I'm sure deep down, I'm like, Well, I've been through so much with my, divorce and I'm, I'm allowed to do it and I'm just having fun.

[00:23:26] Kristian: we justify it in every which way. So it's comical to look back on now, but it's also really sad, but that was where I really pushed it hard. I look back and I know I was pushing the limits because I was too afraid to actually make the change myself. It was as if I needed to get caught. I needed to get pulled over.

[00:23:45] Kristian: I needed something to tip me over the edge to go, well, now I have to stop drinking. And miraculously, none of that stuff happened. Very close, like very close. Got pulled over a couple of times, hit a deer. the signs were there from the universe going, Hey pal, let's shut this down because I'm trying to give you hint after hint after hint, you got to pick up on this.

[00:24:09] Kristian: And I was listening. I, deep down, I was, I was like, what, you know, one time I got pulled over and it's like, well, this is, I just had a feeling. I'm like, you probably need this to happen now. Like now you're being way over the top. And of course, somehow I make it through that. So I finally kind of hit my rock bottom moment, which was, pushed the limits pretty far and I'm not going to go fully into it, but that was the first time I said, do you know what, let's take a break off this.

[00:24:36] Kristian: And I went six and a half months and didn't touch it. But then I fell in the trap, which a lot of people in the sober community, same thing where you're like, well, I could probably moderate it now. If I can go all this long stretch without. Then I can certainly control it. And within like three days, I'm right back on the horse doing stupid things.

[00:24:55] Kristian: And I went through this cycle multiple times through a three year stretch of six and a half off three months off back on for four or five, really trial and error. And every time I went back, I regretted it deep down. I'm like, why am I doing this again? Kept having to ask those questions and answer them.

[00:25:12] Kristian: And so finally. After a lot of that trial and error process, then it was like, I'm going to put all my chips in on sobriety, because I think this is a gamble. There's no doubt in my mind. It's going to pay off. I'm scared shitless to see what the numbers pop up when I put my bet in. But once the cards flip, I guarantee it's gotta be good.

[00:25:35] Kristian: It has to be. Cause I talked to so many people who had gone that path and they're every one of them's like, Oh, I don't regret it at all. It's been amazing. So I'm like, well, all the data is there. Why can't I follow these individuals and just roll the dice and let's do it. That's exactly what I've done.

[00:25:51] Kristian: Hector is just, I'm all in on this sucker. Why not? And so far it has, the payoff has been tremendous. Because now I'm figuring out who I am without that vice. I figured out I could be myself without the booze. So holy shit, why do I need booze anymore? I don't really, yeah, oh, I, you know, people like the taste.

[00:26:10] Kristian: It's like, dude, I didn't really, I mean, maybe. But I just drank stuff just to drink. I didn't care if it was tequila, scotch. Schlitz, it just went, went down, went down easy and fast. So long story short, that's, that's the phase for me was it was a process for me, but there are reasons for that. And the biggest one was I was too scared to just fully commit to it.

[00:26:33] Kristian: That's what it came down to. And finally, 2023, I said, boom, I'm putting, I'm going all in. Let's see where the cards land. And every time I'm getting blackjacks, I'm getting all kinds of shit. It's been wonderful.

[00:26:44] Hector: Well, I think you sort of hit on it at the beginning, but. In any of the vices that we have. It seems, and I'm making a broad, observation from my, subset of one or my data set of one. But it seems that a lot of our vices are there to cover up a lot of the pain or wounds that we're not willing to deal with.

[00:27:05] Hector: so the challenge with trying to stop drinking or even stop any of our vices is that Ultimately, you're going to have to deal with the root issue. You're going to have to deal with the root cause of why of why. You started doing this vice anyways, and what I've realized you get so far down that vice path that you're, that you've got to like claw your way out of that.

[00:27:24] Hector: And then you realize, like, there's a new boss. There's like, there's a new thing to battle if you will. You know, I don't know if that's the right sort of terminology. Otherwise, I liken it to like a game of whack a mole. Where, okay, you stop drinking, but the problem is still there. So then maybe it comes out in a different way, or maybe you're, you know, it's not going to go away necessarily.

[00:27:44] Hector: And that's where I think people sort of relapse. So they kind of, at least in my instance, when I've fallen back into these bad habits is because I didn't deal with the root issue. The root problem was still there. And so I was looking for something to pacify that or something to make me feel better or something to make me forget or whatever.

[00:27:59] Hector: And there was that thing, you know, I was like, Oh, well, that that always worked in the past. and so you could kind of go back to it as opposed to looking in the mirror and actually figuring out what you need to figure out.

[00:28:09] Kristian: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. that for me was really interesting. And I have spent, like I said, last couple of years really sitting with a lot of different emotions. And it sounds so weird for guys to say that, but it's so true. I've had to really process all those moments. I would turn to taboos. I've had to reanalyze why, okay.

[00:28:32] Kristian: In this situation, let's say something cool happens in my life. It's my birthday or some celebration. Why do I go to booze for that? Why can't I enjoy that moment? As a sober dude without any sort of substance, why can't I just enjoy that moment for what it is? Why can't I, just be present for an uncomfortable conversation with a friend instead of saying, Oh, let's go to the bar so we can have some drinks.

[00:28:56] Kristian: And then I can bring up something that's bothering me about that person or just, or I'm just having a real shitty day. Why is it? I spent time going, well, why do I feel like this instead of beelining to alcohol, which just completely numbs you out. Dopamine hits you and drags you back onto your feet every time, but only for a short period of time.

[00:29:19] Kristian: Right? So there's been a lot of discomfort, just like going to the gym. It's the same process. Like I don't always like going there and I don't always like sitting with these emotions and going, I guess I'm just going to have this shitty day. But I always grow from it a little bit each time. And that's how I've been able to reap the rewards now, or I just feel content with my life in a very basic fashion.

[00:29:42] Kristian: I mean, I'm the time I spend with my girls alone as a dad has totally shifted like my presence with them, it's noticeable because I see the, the. Energy they have and what they bring to the table now of like, whoa, I've got a dad who's here. I got a dad who's present. Like he's not being a little bit strange after dinner, you know, just things like that, where I can notice even my own daughter's emotions, because I'm not all up in my own head, either because of things I haven't dealt with or because I've had a few drinks, so the little things in my life have become exponentially more enjoyable.

[00:30:22] Kristian: And it's the big shift has been not drinking for one, but even a more massive shift is that I can now recognize my emotions, but I had to get rid of one thing to work on the other thing. And that's the whole point of why I'm such a huge proponent of sobriety. It's not necessarily the drinking part. It's more of you get to learn who you are.

[00:30:44] Kristian: Finally, you get to know, can I be that charismatic? Amazing, witty, hilarious dude. When I walk into a room, can I tell these people to fuck off and I don't want to drink, or I don't believe with that policy, or I don't understand why you're saying that, please, help me understand just being vocal, being yourself, all those things.

[00:31:06] Kristian: For me, alcohol had to go to finally get there.

[00:31:10] Hector: Yeah. I mean, to your point, parenting, it's like a running joke at school drop off that like parenting while hungover is like one of the hardest things to do. It's like on near impossible, And so if you're trying to measure your presence while you're hungover, I remember, the few times that I've, had to do that.

[00:31:28] Hector: It was like, you're like laying in bed and the kids like, coming up to the bed and you're like, uh, Go get something out of the pantry. Like the level of presence is non existent. I want to come back to this, like not being yourself thing. Cause there's, I've had some interesting conversations from a, spiritual perspective about sort of alcohol and sort of the impacts that it might have.

[00:31:47] Hector: So I want to come back to that, but I'm, curious for you, number of, of tools and resources, There's, there's AA, there's, I know there's like a really famous book that helps people stop. drinking, there's all these sort of. techniques or, modalities, if you will, do you ascribe to one or the other or another?

[00:32:06] Hector: Do you believe strongly in one? Not necessarily over another, but are there certain things, habits, resources, organizations, people that sort of helped you get through, this sort of evolution?

[00:32:20] Kristian: Yeah. like I couple of years, I've been going to therapy weekly, typically. that went hand in hand of trying to make, when you're trying to make such a massive shift in your life to give up something that has been part of your life for that long, you'll need some support in that. You'll, you need to be able to talk through that.

[00:32:38] Kristian: You need to be under able to understand why you've been using it for that long. Like what tools you have to your disposal. So therapy has really been the thing that has helped me. by far, you know, I didn't sign up for any programs. I really didn't immerse myself in the sober community as much as I should have.

[00:32:59] Kristian: that would have helped accelerate this. It wouldn't have been this three year trial and error process. I guarantee that. The missing link for me was being surrounded by people who were also going through it, but also had the same mentality, people that we're doing from the outside look like pretty put together men and women, but people had no idea that the struggles they had with booze.

[00:33:22] Kristian: so the sober community and specifically, I mean, surprisingly enough, like Instagram, the sober following and Instagram is incredible. I mean, I, follow. Thousands of pages on there of people that have gone through the same type of a shift. And it's been the coolest thing ever. Like the support you have, you know, I've, obviously created page there with my sober identity page.

[00:33:42] Kristian: And that's been so neat just to interact with other people who are going through it and supporting them, like, good job. You know, you crack 300 days or it's the first week that was so empowering. Just sit there and message random people. I didn't know, But I kind of felt like I did know him and I still feel like I know half these people.

[00:34:00] Kristian: so that's been really cool. I did spend strictly out of curiosity when I was in a darker time during the whole sobriety piece. I did go to a few AA meetings cause some people had recommended that my therapist kind of helped me find some places to go there. So I showed up, I've been to four or five meetings and.

[00:34:19] Kristian: that environment to me didn't feel like the right fit for me personally. it was seeming to be an older crowd, at least to the meetings I went to. So it was hard for me to, I don't know, really make connections with the people there and nothing against people who are older than me. It was just, that was just that dynamic.

[00:34:37] Kristian: I just didn't have, I didn't feel drawn and connected to these people in the way that I wanted to. But it's also, it's a wonderful program. You know, it's something you could show up to every single day. They've got meetings all over the country, all the time. It's really cool how they've got it set up. But for me, that wasn't something that I truly leaned on.

[00:34:54] Kristian: It was more finding your people, finding your community. But the biggest thing, regardless of all that. Is sitting down with yourself with a pen and paper and start writing. Why do you drink in the first place? What's the, why get to that? Because now we can start to dig into the emotional side of things.

[00:35:13] Kristian: And what I found with so many individuals that have been big drinkers, there's that. Really deep, if you peel the onion, underlaying, underlying factor of why they're actually drinking. It's not the fluff fluff superficial bullshit. Oh, I love the taste. I love the process of beer. I love how I feel. I just like to party and have fun.

[00:35:36] Kristian: Bullshit! There's always more underneath all those layers go. Okay, great. What else? Well, what's another reason why, okay. If you could have, if you could feel that way and have just as much fun and be respected and be cool with all your peers without booze, would you still drink? You know, these are the kinds of cool questions.

[00:35:55] Kristian: If you actually. Give a shit and want to dig down further. That's where you can figure this out a lot quicker, in my opinion. But this is something that a lot of people are throwing to someone else's direction to a program's direction or somebody else and saying, Hey, please fix me. Instead of looking within and going, Hey, why am I doing this?

[00:36:16] Kristian: Why am I sabotaging myself? Why am I leaning on this crutch so often? Why, why, why ask the wise, but that's hard work. You know, we all want the easy fix. That's why we drink, right? We want, I feel like crap. Hector, let's go have happy hour. We're going to feel great. And we will for a couple of hours. And then we're right back to square one versus removing that stuff and really focusing in on, the why is so key.

[00:36:42] Kristian: And that for me was so eyeopening. It's like, Oh, I'm drinking for all the wrong reasons. Very interesting.

[00:36:49] Hector: One of the things that stands out is it seems like the I don't know what the right verb is, and I don't want to be insensitive, but let's say I would say getting sober is just as much of a sort of personal development journey or I don't know. I say requires. That's a weird word. maybe entails that sort of personal journey and I'm wondering if there's a guy out there who, know, I think we sort of come in from this world or at least I did.

[00:37:15] Hector: Maybe that's how you got exposed to this world. unsure. But I'm thinking about the guy who's going, what the fuck? Christian journaling and fucking

[00:37:25] Hector: therapy and fucking what the, you know, like he's like, dude, I'm just trying to like, you know, I just want to quit drinking. Right? Like maybe I'm off, but I'm guessing that there are a lot of guys they think that's just the problem, Where drinking is just the problem. Is that something that comes up or is that something that you dealt with? And if so, you know, what might you say to someone who's in that spot?

[00:37:50] Kristian: I mean, I would say, what's the reason for addressing your drinking in the first place? Why have you gotten to this point of, well, I just want to quit drinking and that's going to solve whatever issues I have that's still call it journaling, meditation, whatever it may be. These are just still questions you got to ask yourself.

[00:38:08] Kristian: you don't have to put pen to paper. I don't give a shit. You do what you want, but you can't be. Just standing idly by and be, and not be proactive in your thinking and taking control of the actions that you make on a day to day basis. that's where it all begins. I mean, as far as technicalities of quitting drinking.

[00:38:27] Kristian: I mean, the basics of that are you're going to have to find people who don't drink or people who drink a lot less. You can't keep showing up to your same friend group. You can't keep showing up to the same dive bars. You can't keep doing what you've been doing to make a shift. That just does not jive. I mean, that's the first thing I did.

[00:38:46] Kristian: It's like, I need to take some time here to rewire my brain of what I do on a Friday night, what I do You know, if I think I need to go drink, what do I do instead? And you find different things that you can plug and play into that system. But it takes time. Certainly when this has been ingrained in you for as long as it typically has with most people, change takes time.

[00:39:08] Kristian: It's uncomfortable. We hate it. we gotta go through that whole shift But you need support. Support's going to be the biggest thing. If you're doing this by yourself, which I made the mistake of doing, but that's been so typical of me of like, I just had to buckle down and do it myself, you know, put the blinders on and do it.

[00:39:26] Kristian: And has uncovered all kinds of different things. And I know why I've done that. been so afraid to lean on others, but that's the biggest thing is if you want to stop drinking, you can't be with the same crowd who drinks. That is the number one thing. Sometimes it works great. If you got a good group of friends who don't give a shit what you do, but I will tell you majority of times that doesn't work very well and that's the uncomfortable thing of having to.

[00:39:52] Kristian: Disconnect from people who still want to go down that path. It's tough, but you got to live the life that you want to live and you have to make these tough decisions, right? It's just like business. We got to hire and fire people and it sucks, but it's part of the process. if it aligns and better aligns you with, the path you want to be on, you got to have the balls to make the shift.

[00:40:13] Hector: Yeah, sure. I think it's no matter what's emerging for me is like, no matter what change we're trying to make, whether we're trying to get a better shape or stop drinking or, Whatever it is, there's a self awareness piece, which you talked about, there's a, you mentioned rewiring, for me, it's like a self belief piece.

[00:40:30] Hector: that's important. And then the third S, because I like things to be, fucking in order, was like surroundings sort of came to me because it's like the people that are around you and your environment. no matter what it is, the mechanics of it are going to, change depending on the specifics, but invariably Any evolution that you're going to want to go through are going to involve those three steps, or at least, you know, having those three elements is going to make that much easier.

[00:40:55] Hector: If you will, this has been great Christian. I'm excited. Cause I think we only, scooped into the bucket of what's here. maybe, you know, frankly, into the ocean of what's here and, I'd be excited to have you back for a second time, but is there anything that we didn't chat about today that you feel, You know, it's worth mentioning, given what we talked about,

[00:41:14] Kristian: Yeah, I think we definitely scraped the surface or scraps of surface on a lot of this stuff, cause obviously getting rid of a crutch and a vice and certainly for men. Is really difficult because certainly this day and age with technology, we've got with everything is plastered in your face. If you turn your phone on, you're going to see all kinds of stuff.

[00:41:38] Kristian: You're going to see

[00:41:38] Hector: if you want it, you can find it,

[00:41:41] Kristian: Yeah, you can. And even I've been talking to some buddies about porn, for example, that's another huge crutch that I put right in line with, with alcohol, something that. As men, we can turn to whenever we want. Hell, we can strap on a virtual reality headset nowadays and help pretty soon.

[00:41:59] Kristian: You're gonna be able to buy robots to be able to do all kinds of crazy stuff with. And so these are all the things that are going to be coming at you from every direction. And it's like, are we going to just succumb to this and just be a chaotic mess and go. I'm just going to, you know, get married to a robot, start drinking, do all the things and never actually look at what is meaningful in your life.

[00:42:22] Kristian: And that's the whole point that I found my life. I kept feeling this heavy emptiness in my life and I kept filling it with more and more, bad things and to include booze. And I'm like, this isn't how I want to live my life. I feel that I know that I'm better than this. And that was the weighing factor that, kept me.

[00:42:42] Kristian: At least positioned to, to be able to make a change, but I finally had to just take the leap. And I think the big message here, after what we talked about for anybody listening is, think about what has been weighing on you for a long time that you know, you don't want to address, you're too scared to address, and it doesn't have to do anything with alcohol.

[00:43:03] Kristian: That is just one small thing. That's where you have the power to change this. And it's going to be scary as hell. And the change sucks. We never want change, whether it's good or bad change always blows. And I can go on and on about all the different changes I've had in my life. But that's the one thing that hopefully listeners can think about is what is the one lingering factor?

[00:43:26] Kristian: I know deep down needs to change. And why am I not willing to change it? That's the biggest thing to think about.

[00:43:33] Hector: Yeah. I think we did a good job of, highlighting that alcohol is, is the symptom alcohol, let's call it alcoholism is the symptom of something else. that's undealt with and like I said, it's the preliminary boss. it's the early quest. It's the first quest, if you will.

[00:43:50] Hector: but I think an important one nonetheless. Christian, this has been an amazing conversation. If people want to go deeper, I know there's a new podcast. You've got, you mentioned Instagram, where's the best place for people to go to get connected.

[00:44:01] Kristian: Yeah. Best place. Like I mentioned on Instagram, that's been a heavy sober community for me. And I started a page called sober identity. And so I've got that page going. I also have a podcast that I've. It's in the infancy stages, but, just had the first guest on the podcast. So something fun to check out.

[00:44:18] Kristian: I'm trying to incorporate getting more people in more stories, to hopefully give opportunity for people to resonate with, and, uh, it's just been fun for me and all the whole point of that is to just share my story to go, Hey, here's someone who seems to have it put together on the outside, but deep down, I've been through the shit and I've been a heavy drinker and all the things.

[00:44:39] Kristian: And so here's my story. And it's just been fun from an accountability standpoint for me, but also to just pass it on to somebody else too. If they're sitting there and listening to this today of like, damn, I really know I need to quit drinking. if this guy could do it, then maybe I could do it.

[00:44:55] Kristian: That's kind of my mentality there, but yeah, sober identity, check it out and reach out to me with other questions, but, happy to support anybody in their journey.

[00:45:04] Hector: Appreciate it. Fellas appreciate you being here. We'll see you on the next one.