You Don’t Have to Destroy Yourself for Success with Alex Charfen

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellows, what's going on? I hope this episode finds you well, and I hope this episode leaves you better than when it found you. And today's episode is with Alex Sharf, and if you guys know the name, you might be familiar with him. He's built up a rather large following, especially in the entrepreneur space as sort of a biohacker and someone who has You know, he's always wearing his kind of, uh, his orange glasses and, you know, doing all these crazy things for his body.

[00:00:58] Hector: But we talk a little bit about that on today's show. What was really interesting is what we talk about, what he's doing , for his partner, for his wife. And when I, reflect on what, he's doing and what he's creating, the ability to provide a space, for our woman, our partner

[00:01:14] Hector: to flourish. Right. There's anything that I've learned on my journey. It's that I, I didn't do that naturally. Right. And I think I sort of suffered the repercussions and Alex is taking it to a different level. And I was excited to have this conversation with them and see and talk about what it's done to, to his marriage.

[00:01:34] Hector: So enough of me, y'all let's get into today's episode with Mr. Alex Sharfman.

[00:01:40] Hector: Alex, welcome to the modern masculinity podcast. Thanks for being here. My man.

[00:01:43] Alex: Appreciate you, Hector. Thanks for having me, man.

[00:01:46] Hector: I followed you. I mentioned this before for a number of years, but it seems like you're in new part of your journey, if you will. And maybe I'm overstepping or speaking out of line of that. and I'm excited to have you, but amidst all of that, right.

[00:01:58] Hector: Tens of thousands of followers, you know, maybe hundreds of thousands throughout all the platforms, successful business, it seems like a thriving relationship. Kids, I mean, people might look at you and go, like, Alex has got it all figured out. If I know anything about doing these shows, it's that we're all kind of always doing the work.

[00:02:16] Hector: so what sort of work is that for you on a day to day basis? You know, as a guy, what sort of load or burden are you still kind of carrying or working through?

[00:02:27] Alex: It's an interesting question, Hector. So if you had asked me three or four weeks ago, I probably would have said that, I was having some lack of alignment with my business and, really feeling like I was kind of pushing uphill every day, getting up and working and doing what I had been doing for, 30 years, but not really coaching, like I've been coaching since 2016.

[00:02:47] Alex: And so two weeks ago, my wife and I made the decision to close our business and to shut it down. And we're taking a year off completely and focusing on our relationship. We actually joined a relationship mastermind the week after we closed the business, we got an email and ended up flying to England for a relationship mastermind with Layla Martin.

[00:03:04] Alex: It was extraordinary at tantric mastermind. so when you say like, what type of burden I carrying today, I think for me every day is about, being in a place where I feel good about what I did that day. And I'm excited about what I did that day. I do a tremendous amount of embodiment work.

[00:03:21] Alex: And if I don't feel right about what I'm doing, I don't do it anymore. And I lean into the things that feel like momentum, that feel like fun, that feel exciting, that feel like I'm curious. And if it's not one of those things, I'm like, I'm done. I'm not doing those things anymore. I'm 51 years old.

[00:03:37] Alex: I've been running businesses since I was about 17 or 18. I've been working since I was eight. And this next period of time is a big one. Intentional, purposeful period of no obligations so that I can really understand and lean into and embody who I really want to be.

[00:03:55] Hector: was that, unburdening, kind of shutting down the business? I imagine that that's a huge decision, but what

[00:04:00] Alex: Oh, yeah.

[00:04:01] Hector: would that feel

[00:04:03] Alex: I'm getting chills just thinking about it. So here's what happened, Hector. So we've been talking about, like, getting out of the business we're in for a couple years. And it was so tied into my identity to really our identity. my identity is like business coach and business consultant.

[00:04:18] Alex: I've been doing it since I was 21. And, I've worked with some of the largest companies in the world. I've worked with some of the most successful people online, that's like all this identity that I had. so it was really hard to come to terms with the decision of closing down the business.

[00:04:30] Alex: But what happened was Katie and I were not in the day to day. We weren't in the business every day. We probably worked about 12 to 20 hours a week, which most people are like, dude, you've got it made. You know, just keep working 12 to 20 hours a week. But those 12 to 20 hours a week got heavier and heavier and heavier.

[00:04:45] Alex: And then a few weeks ago we had an event. It was a virtual event and it ran Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And I got up on Wednesday morning and my entire body was shutting down. I felt pain in my joints. I felt pain in my back. I felt like just this weight and I'm like, Katie, I can't do this. Like we can't do this anymore.

[00:05:02] Alex: And so Katie kind of talked me through that day and got me back into it. Then the next day I was feeling the same way. And like midday, she came into my office. We had an hour and a half break. We spent some time together. She really grounds me. She's just, she's like the most grounding force in my life.

[00:05:15] Alex: And she got me back into it. And we finished that day. And then Friday morning, we wake up and Katie is like, we can't do this anymore. And I'm like, okay, all right, we can finish the day. at the end of that day, we're like, This is done. We're not doing this anymore. And we went on a trip to Guatemala the next day, and we were down there with our daughters.

[00:05:33] Alex: And by the third or fourth day of the trip, we kept seeing all these Slack messages being sent back and forth and our team was like doing stuff and they're selling things. And we finally like got on a call with them from Guatemala and we're like, guys, we're going to shut everything down. We don't want to do this anymore.

[00:05:47] Alex: And our team was surprised, but they were also wildly supportive. They have been so supportive. Katie and I have been traveling, we've been out of the country and they're doing everything that needs to be done to shut the company down. And so when you say unburdening, the day we made the decision and told everybody and we sent out an email and I made a couple posts on social media and we got hundreds of replies like direct messages and replies to the email and comments on social media, it's like the most, it's the lightest and the most connected I've ever felt since I started running businesses by shutting it down. that's not to say we're not coming back and we won't do something in the future. We know we will. There's already this kind of pull in the direction of working with people in relationships. We've been doing that for a long time, too. But but we've been doing business coaching since 2016.

[00:06:36] Alex: And so well, there's something that's forming. There's something that's transforming. There's something that's kind of coming through. We don't know what it is yet. But we're just allowing the time and space to have that happen. there was this point Hector, which was interesting where Katie, we were talking about shutting down the business and Katie went and looked at all of our finances.

[00:06:52] Alex: You know, we track our net worth, we track everything we have, we track all our investments. And she's like, okay, we could live for the next five to 10 years on our current spend rate. Without touching any of our investments. And so i'm like, oh, so we really don't have to do this So if we don't have to do it, we don't want to do it Then this is an obvious decision and I think what happens to so many entrepreneurs, especially today Is that there's this impression in the entrepreneurial world that if you're not in it and doing it and hustling and hurting yourself success equals self destruction and getting up every day and tying yourself to a computer That you're not somehow showing up as an entrepreneur And I think Nothing could be further from the truth.

[00:07:32] Alex: I think far too often as entrepreneurs, we are creating our success from our shadow side. We're creating our success from a place of self judgment and self criticism and self disgust and even self loathing and self hatred. You can hear it in some of the thought leaders language that we follow. when somebody gets on a real and they say, you just need to get up and sit down at your desk and strap yourself to your computer and drink a cup of coffee and don't move until all your work is done.

[00:07:57] Alex: That is an angry parent telling a kid to go into the room and do their homework. And so many of us respond to that angry parent because we're already in this place of self judgment and self criticism and self disgust. And if we can pull back and say, wait, what do I really want? Where do I get joy?

[00:08:13] Alex: Where do I feel peace? Where do I feel connection? Where do I feel love for myself? so much of what I've been doing doesn't make me feel those things. And so that's why I became the decision to stop all of it and give ourselves a period of time to figure things out.

[00:08:27] Hector: Yeah. One of the themes that I've seen come up on the show and just with the guys that I am around is that this identity thing is, big and maybe it's in the water. I don't know. Maybe it's in the astrology or the moon. it could be a number of things, but it's coming up.

[00:08:41] Hector: And my first thought was that. Oh, well, I'm playing devil's advocate for the listener. I'm, saying, Oh, easy for Alex. He's got all this money saved up. He's already had his business success. He's already had his family. He's already like easy for him to change kind of course. And then as I'm thinking through it, I'm like, actually, that seems maybe harder.

[00:08:59] Hector: Because you're more solidified, you're more set in stone, there's more things leaning on you, but nonetheless, I think that guys are at a place where they're being forced to essentially, I think, confront their real identity, right? Because they've been living off of this, this programming of what everybody else wanted them to do for so long.

[00:09:17] Hector: And finally, now it's time for them to figure out what they actually want to do.

[00:09:22] Alex: Yeah. Which is the hardest thing in the world to do. It really is because it is so easy to adopt the identity that everyone around you will accept. And going through this decision making process, be very candid with you. This was not easy. you know, I lost sleep over it in the past year or two when we've been like on the precipice of making this decision and part of it was like silly thoughts.

[00:09:44] Alex: I'm like. What if I go to an event and somebody comes up and says, what do you do? And I'm going to say nothing like, fuck, I'm going to look like an idiot. And I was actually sharing that with a friend of mine. I'm like, dude, I've actually had this weird thought. Like if I go to an event and somebody says, what do you do?

[00:09:58] Alex: And I say nothing, I'm going to look like an idiot. And he's like, Alex, you're going to look like the one who won. that's success. That's real success. You know, it's funny. I was at a sort of mastermind a few weeks ago, for a friend of mine, David Gonzalez here. And we were all coaching this guy in the room, he works with his wife and I've worked with my wife for 20 years.

[00:10:17] Alex: And I was giving him some advice on like how you keep the relationship intact and then also keep the business growing. But really you have to put more focus on the relationship than the business because the business is going to get your focus anyway. Right. this guy sitting next to me who helps entrepreneurs prepare their companies for sale, he's like, okay, I've just I've got to share something.

[00:10:33] Alex: And he was addressing the guy that we were coaching. He's like, listen, if you stop working with your wife, you're going to make a lot more money. And it's too complicated. And I've seen this over and over again. And you know, you just need to get your wife out of the business. And then he turns to me. And he's like, if you stopped working with your wife, you'd make more money too.

[00:10:49] Alex: And my immediate reply was, Who gives a shit? And he was like, take him back. He's like, what? I'm like, I don't give a fuck. here's what I hear you telling me. I can stop working with my wife who I love more than anything in the world, who I have more fun with than anything in the world, who I want to spend as much time as I can with so that I make more money.

[00:11:08] Alex: Who gives a shit? that doesn't even like move any bar in my body anywhere. In fact, I'll pay you money so that I can spend more time with my wife. And I do that all the time. that's why we pay people to do shit for us so that we have more time to ourselves. And so it was funny.

[00:11:23] Alex: He was really taken aback by it. And my friend, Jesse Elder was sitting across the table and Jesse's like, Alex just demonstrated that he has more personal power than anybody in this room. And I was like, what'd you say, Jesse? And he's like, that is power to have that level of conviction, that level of, certainty around your life, that is true power in a human potential.

[00:11:42] Alex: And I'm like, wow, I was appreciative that Jesse gave that, perspective. But for me, it was just reality.

[00:11:49] Hector: Yeah. It's a challenge that. You hear a lot of these stats or memes really is what they've become because who knows like who's actually doing this research, but something to the effect of, there's going to be like half of. Women over the age of 40 are going to be, unmarried and without kids or something like that.

[00:12:06] Hector: And there's some, obscene number and half the guys that, you know, haven't had sex in X amount of like all these statistics that just point to people not connecting or that relationships essentially are in trouble. I don't know to go, but maybe you do, but at least it seems like you've been doing the work.

[00:12:25] Hector: And you've been really pushing the. The frontier, if you will, on what that sort of work looks like and what is even normal, like what becomes like, what sort of stuff is accepted or like, and so I'd love for you to just kind of share what that journey has been like for you guys and how you as a guy have been able to navigate it amidst, I would imagine people going like, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

[00:12:49] Hector: Why are you doing that? Or in the same way that this, lawyer had that perspective. I imagine that so many people are coming at it with that same sort of mindset. Yeah.

[00:12:56] Alex: Yeah. I mean, I, think that we're like in, a pretty tragic place in the world today, I think that when you look at. What's happened to us as human beings, there's all this outside input that we didn't have, you know, and I have perspective because I'm 51 when I was younger, we didn't have social media.

[00:13:12] Alex: We didn't have instant access. We didn't have all those things. The world was a much calmer, much quieter, less anxious, less assaulting place. And today, if you allow it to the world will assault you all day. You can jump on Instagram and feel bad about yourself for all the other people that are posting pictures about how great their life is.

[00:13:30] Alex: You can get on Facebook and see, you know, everybody sharing their highlights , and create self judgment. Hector, I heard the craziest thing from a guy probably six or eight months ago, where, We were at an event, can't remember what event it was, and somebody was talking about mine and Katie's relationship and how it was, enviable, like, you want to have a relationship like that.

[00:13:50] Alex: And somebody at the table asked me, like, how'd you make it happen? Like, how did it work? And I'm like, well, when I was in my late twenties, I was seeing a therapist and I had, had seen him for years. He was an EMDR therapist. And I told him like, after we had resolved some things that happened in a previous relationship, and I felt better about myself, I was like, you know what, Tom, I feel like I want to get into another relationship.

[00:14:11] Alex: he said, okay, we're going to, let's do this really intentionally. he gave me the assignment of writing a list of 10 things that I wanted in, somebody I was going to be in a relationship with. And he's like, look, don't write that they're attractive because that's the first bar, go deeper than that go deeper than just being attractive.

[00:14:26] Alex: And so I wrote things like, I want someone who is willing to live like a not normal conventional lifestyle because I'm unconventional. I'm not a nine to five. I don't follow course of The world, you know, we had our kids at home, my kids were homeschooled. I don't really sign up for a lot of society's rules and that kind of stuff.

[00:14:43] Alex: So I wanted somebody who was like that, you know, I wanted somebody who really made me feel grounded and secure. I wanted somebody who, , Who's like voice spoke to me. And like, I had this list of 10 things and the night that I met Katie, I knew she was the one because she would, she hit everything on the list.

[00:14:58] Alex: I only ever got to nine, but she hit all nine. And so I shared this at an event. And I, told the people at the table, like, do meditation, spend some quiet time, write out the things when you write those things down and they become real. You actually attract that person to you. And one of the guys at the table said something like, Oh, I think I'd started.

[00:15:15] Alex: She's got to have at least a hundred thousand Instagram followers. And I remember thinking, I didn't say anything right away. Cause I thought it was a joke. I thought he was kidding. And then I looked across the table and he was completely and totally serious. And I'm like, Holy shit.

[00:15:31] Alex: This conversation is the exact definition of what's wrong with the world today. In order for me to be interested in a woman who might be the perfect match for me, she has to have done jumping jacks on Instagram to get a hundred thousand followers. What the. Fuck you talking about? It was like one of those times where I realized just how broken and kind of demented our perspective about what we need and who we are is.

[00:15:57] Alex: And I think for so many men out there, there's far too much confusing input that makes us feel like we need or want things that are not the things that are actually going to ground us, that are going to help us, that are going to grow us and transform us. And in my opinion, being in a monogamous relationship with someone who you love and respect and are willing to lean in with, is The greatest growth opportunity you have in your life. if we're going to put Instagram followers as a speed bump in front of that growth opportunity, I feel like so many guys are creating this, this like false barrier to actually becoming who they need to be a

[00:16:40] Hector: Well, it seems like the ability to, to swipe, right? the seeming accessibility of everybody creates this, impression that relationships are not supposed to be tough relationships are supposed to be easy. Or if you have challenges that You're not meant to be together and it seems that previous generations, you know, when I talked to people, my parents age and grandparents, they didn't have that.

[00:17:05] Hector: There was a seeming understanding that relationships were going to be challenging. And to your point, there was going to be work that allowed you to grow into the person that that it was an opportunity for growth, not this, person that you can squeeze to get your needs met.

[00:17:21] Alex: hundred percent. You know, I think. The impression we have today that relationships are easy, I think has been propagated and reinforced and made even worse through social media. But here's reality of relationships, and this is, from years of coaching people, from years of, from 20 years being married, from, Watching relationships from understanding them, our relationship, if we choose to have that, intimate one on one monogamous relationship is going to bring you pleasure and bliss and connection and grounding, if you allow it to, but it's also going to, flip every one of your triggers and it's going to bring up all of your trauma.

[00:18:03] Alex: And it's going to bring up all of the stuff that is not resolved, your shadow side, that dark side, the things that you haven't talked about, you haven't expressed, the things that happened to you when you were younger, all of that stuff comes out and is present in that relationship. think there's so many people who coach relationships and talk about relationships that kind of make me feel a little sick to my stomach because they present the relationship in this perfected state.

[00:18:27] Alex: Hector, there is no such thing. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There's no such thing as a friction free relationship. What there is, is relationships where you care enough about the other person that you lean in deeply enough. To the point where when they're triggered or reactive, you can hold space for that without getting triggered or reactive yourself, where when you're triggered or reactive, you can process what's going on and realize that it's not the other person who's doing that, but it's something that isn't even present in the environment right now that has come previously. And when we do those things, those are massive catalysts for growth. When we, process triggers, when we process trauma, when we understand ourselves better, that's truly how we transform and become who we, we should be. And so this impression that once you have the right relationship, there's going to be no issues.

[00:19:17] Alex: Is such a damaging and destructive impression because what we should understand is that once we have this relationship, we have the opportunity to see our issues and triggers and challenges and trauma in living daylight and be able to process those and move through them.

[00:19:36] Hector: Yeah, that's a really good point that it seems like a long lasting relationship, I mean, inherently is going to require somebody to, I mean, maybe if they're in a, an extremely older stage in their life, then maybe they've worked through all that trauma, but that it actually creates and allows for the space for that.

[00:19:53] Hector: Sort of stuff to bubble up because it seems like, my twenties and I've seen a lot of my friends, like things were fine, you could kind of coast through stuff. No one really talked about like trauma necessarily in their twenties. And then we like turned 30 and I'm only 32 now. And it's like, it's all people can kind of talk about because it seems like life is.

[00:20:12] Hector: Hitting them in the face and they're realizing that the reason is, is that they're creating these, these sort of situations and environments that they've seemed to have been creating for most of their lives.

[00:20:23] Alex: Yeah, well, here's my belief, Hector, and, you know, in all the reading research and the time that I've spent on trauma and relationships, for us as human beings, we will repeat the energetic of our childhood until we do enough work to process it, and then we can create a better environment.

[00:20:41] Alex: The energetic of my childhood was one of. Anxiety and stress and fear and overwhelm and a lot of self loathing and a lot of self judgment and a lot of self criticism. And when I look at the businesses that I ran in my 20s and even in going into my 30s, dude, those businesses were run by my inner child.

[00:21:03] Alex: I was so reactive and so overwhelmed and there's this, author named Pia Melody. PIA Melody. She's amazing. I recommend everybody reads her book, Facing Codependence. It's one of, of the best books on relationships and understanding our trauma and understanding ourselves better than I've ever read.

[00:21:21] Alex: And she says that if you're ever feeling an emotion over four on a scale of one to 10, it's one of the best books on relationships. That you are in an inner child reaction, that you are having a childhood reaction. You're in a parasympathetic, you're in a sympathetic nervous system response, where you're in fight, flight, fawn, or freeze, and you're not really there.

[00:21:37] Alex: And when I think about my 20s, I think I existed like at a five or a six, and most days, I'd get up 10, 8, 9 or 10, two or three times a day. And so I was in this place where I was completely disembodied running my business from my brain and making logical decisions, but not intuitive, or not embodied decisions.

[00:21:57] Alex: And so at 30 I met Katie. I was running a company that did about $250 million in sales. It was a multimillion dollar revenue company. I was doing financially better than anybody I knew. within I think eight or nine months of meeting Katie, I had sold off like the assets of that company and gotten out of it.

[00:22:14] Alex: I didn't go through a full sale. I didn't want to take the time and I quit. I intended to retire and spend time with Katie very similar to what I'm doing now, it only lasted for about three or four or five weeks or something. had way too much energy. I started buying houses and then Katie and I built a huge real estate empire.

[00:22:29] Alex: But I was in that place where I had built a business just from logic when Katie came into my life, I realized I didn't want to do anything I was doing anymore. And I think what happens to us as entrepreneurs is when we are in that place of overwhelm, and when we're in that place of doing too much, when we're in that place of consistent and constant hustle, when we're in that place of self destruction for success, we might have some financial outcomes there, but it's not success.

[00:22:59] Alex: And you look up one day and realize like, holy shit, I've built this whole thing that I don't really want. I want to speak to what you said earlier, because I respect the pushback that says like, Hey, man, you've already done it. You've got all the money, you've gotten the investments, you've got the wealth.

[00:23:15] Alex: what about me who I've, never been there. Like, I've got to hustle. I've got to do all this stuff. Well, here's what hustle can look like. Hustle can look like getting up in the morning and going through a morning routine and making sure that your body's resourced. It can look like spending 20 minutes in neutral so that you clear your mind and you do a little meditation, you get ready for the day.

[00:23:31] Alex: It can look like having like a really solid four hours of work where you've taken care of yourself. So you're putting out that much more creativity, that much more. Of your own brilliance and you can get up and go for a walk at lunch and clear your mind and come back and work more. And I think, when I look at the entrepreneurial world today, the way people are told to work and behave is a path to disembodiment and frenetic behaviors and anxiety and irritation and frustration and all those things just living in your body.

[00:24:02] Alex: if we were willing to understand that as entrepreneurs, we're artists, artists need time and space. Artists needs to know themselves. Artists need to spend time with themselves. And if we are willing to do that, we start creating things in the world that we are passionate about and that we love and that we care about.

[00:24:21] Alex: I just recently heard a reel from an entrepreneur that I know, and she was talking about how she has anxiety, she was saying that the way she deals with her anxiety is she just Tells her body or tells her mind that she's not going to be anxious that day and she just turns off the anxiety, dude, if it was that easy to turn off anxiety, everybody would do it.

[00:24:42] Alex: When I heard that video, it hurt my chest because I've worked with entrepreneurs who have such a Disfunction in their bodies from doing things like stuffing down emotions and stuffing down feelings and stuffing down what comes up. I've worked with entrepreneurs that have autoimmune issues and rashes and eye twitches and breaking out and losing hair and having like, All that joint muscle pain and insomnia and panic attacks and all kinds of other stuff that you can't just say, I'm not going to feel this.

[00:25:14] Alex: I'm not going to do this. I'm going to turn off anxiety. as human beings, the more that we allow for what's coming up to, to be there, to be present and process it, maybe get some help with it. The more we Get into a state where we can be who really we really want to be and I again, I think so much of what is shared in the entrepreneurial world is this disembodied shadow side of who we are, where you just keep pushing as hard as you can and take massive action and do everything at once and all right away.

[00:25:45] Alex: And then. You're going to have quote unquote success. And I think some of that's true. You know, some of that's true. You do have to take action. You do have to do those things, but you can, you can take action and you can grow a business by staying in your body and being present and aware. And for anyone who says like, this kind of sounds like bullshit.

[00:26:04] Alex: I can give you a list of 100 entrepreneurs who I coached, who have time and space, who meditate on a daily basis, who work out every day, who spend time with their spouse or their partner, and who are running businesses that are growing like crazy. In fact, in our world, the business that we just shut down, Simple Operations, there's this clear, Accelerator when we get one of our, or when we would get one of our members to do EMDR therapy, or maybe some plant medicine or, start meditating or start taking better care of themselves, Hector, every single time their business grew.

[00:26:42] Alex: Every time because what happens to us as entrepreneurs is we put a hundred percent of the focus on the business and we smother it with our focus. We spend so much time there that like we can't see the forest for the trees. And if we're willing to spend some time on ourselves. Every minute we spend in the business is a more effective minute on that same token, when you're not taking care of yourself, when you're punishing yourself, when you're, staying up all night, when you're not eating right, when you're not hydrating, when you're just working and that's all you're doing every minute you spend in your business is getting less and less effective Not enough people talk about this and you know, I, I will totally accept any type of criticism that I've already done it. And that's why I'm able to speak to this, but I also will show you evidence of people right now in this moment that are running businesses that have tons of time and space and their business is exploding.

[00:27:33] Alex: Lauren Tickner, one of the women that I'm really proud to have coached. She's such an extraordinary entrepreneur. Recently made a post about how bored she is because her business is running without her and she doesn't have any hobbies and the post wasn't like, Hey, tell me how to do more stuff in my business.

[00:27:48] Alex: The post was actually really sincere. She's like, Hey, I think I need a hobby and I think I need a way that I can get to know myself better. And she's running a business that is growing like crazy. I've seen the numbers. But her team's doing 90 percent of it and she doesn't need to punish herself in the business anymore.

[00:28:03] Alex: So she's actually starting to learn who she is. To me, that is the biggest gateway to success to success. I don't mean just financial success. I knew I know way too many people who are so poor. All they have is money. And I know to some people that doesn't sound real. I know if I was in my 20s and I heard somebody say that I would like want to punch him in the face and totally dismiss what they said. But I can tell you, I know those people. and I've spent some time around people who are so poor. All they have is money. Hector, like, probably you. Gosh, now it's gotta be maybe 10 years ago. Katie and I were a mastermind in Canada. we were in Dan Sullivan's group for a year. Didn't go well, but, I didn't enjoy being in Dan's group.

[00:28:43] Alex: And that's why part of the reason I started simple operations, but there was this entrepreneur in the group and he was sitting across the table from us. And I could tell that something was wrong. he was in that place where you can, you know, how you can kind of tell somebody who's like having a bad day or a challenge or like, everything's rubbing them the wrong way.

[00:28:58] Alex: So at the first break, I went over, he got up from our table and walked over and I kind of walked over to him. I was like, Hey man, so how you doing? What do you do? And so we started talking. I said, so like, what's going on, dude? And he's like, what do you mean? I've been working with entrepreneurs for a long time.

[00:29:10] Alex: I can tell, like, something's got you a little sideways. And he's like, that's really intense that you can see that Mike. Yeah. So what happened? And he said he had been running this company, I think it was like video production or something. he had run it for like 14 years and he had sold it for I think 120 million. he's like, it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm like, what do you mean? So explain it to me. He said, you know, I, bought a Ferrari, I bought a Lamborghini, I've got a McLaren that's getting delivered. I could give a shit. He's like, I've got all this money and now I don't know what to do with it.

[00:29:41] Alex: And you know, the day after I sold my business, it was like all the energy went away and nobody was talking to me anymore. It's like going into a void. And he, and like, literally here's a guy who won at the game of entrepreneurship. And probably in the worst place of his entire life, because once the money sitting in the bank account, if you don't know who you are, and you don't know why you did it, that money is a judgment, that money is a judgment that says, look, you won, and you still don't feel good, you won, and you still have your demons, you won, and you still feel like you need to do something. And so I think that happens to far too many entrepreneurs where we start to experience success and the success isn't what we thought it was going to be. And especially when you have a big windfall of money, if you don't understand who you are, it's only going to be challenging.

[00:30:29] Hector: Yeah, that's so true. I mean, there was times recently where the kids, were with their grandma and their mom was out of town and, I literally had to ask myself, what do I want to do? really good friend called me like, Mr. Mom, I was like primary parent, the whole sort of thing.

[00:30:45] Hector: that kind of sent me down this, path of figuring things out. But one of the other things that I noticed is that in my, twenties

[00:30:52] Hector: , I really focused on growing, or at least that's what it felt like. I was learning, reading more books, 10 X. trying to add on more I hit a certain point where I kept trying to add on more, but I, my results were not going any higher.

[00:31:06] Hector: I was burning out. I was all these sorts of things. And that's where I started to realize that there was something, physically limited me. And you mentioned the term kind of embodiment, Alex, you were kind of known as like this biohacker, right?

[00:31:19] Hector: Like the kind of this, optimization sort of thing. And then after a while, you start to notice, well, like, No, it perhaps actually leads to like a deeper sense of presence. Like there's something deeper than just being, able to make more money, I share with that journey has been like, and you have been, one of the people that's on the cutting edge of that.

[00:31:36] Hector: And so I'm, curious, what you're noticing or, just kind of share with some of the guys, what that whole thing has been like for you.

[00:31:42] Alex: Yeah. So it's funny, Hector, I had a friend of mine over here, recently because he's in a new relationship that's really important to him. And he wanted some advice on like, how do I make this work? And we were sitting on my back patio. And as I'm talking to him, he's like moving around and like having trouble sitting still and like wiggling in his chair.

[00:32:02] Alex: And I remember I was like watching him thinking, God, man, I remember being in my late twenties and thirties and like not being able to sit still and having all that energetic running through my body and having everything go on like that. And so I asked him a simple question. Like, so tell me about. Your embodiment practices because what's that?

[00:32:20] Alex: And I said, well, it's things like walking or yoga or meditation or breath work or anything that gets you into your body. And it's like, What do you mean by get in your body? And I was explaining to him, like, the better mind body connection we have, the more embodied we have, the more we feel our body.

[00:32:37] Alex: That's how we make decisions. And it was like a revelation to him. He's never even thought about it that way. So for me, if I go back through my biohacking journey, for me, it was all about, Always about feeling better. One of the reasons that I'm known as a bio actor and an optimizer is cause I've been sick for most of my life.

[00:32:53] Alex: I was really sick as a kid. I almost died when I was an infant. I had surgery, within a few days of being alive without anesthesia, my whole gut was opened up and they had to correct valve in my stomach. I've had a lot of medical and health challenges. When I was a kid, I had, asthma attacks all the time.

[00:33:09] Alex: In retrospect, they were most likely anxiety attacks that ended me up in the hospital. so for me, it's always been about like, how do I get better? It's never been like, how do I, become this fully optimized human? It's like, how do I just make it so that the pain goes away?

[00:33:23] Alex: And then once I started getting into the place where the pain went away, then I'm like, Ooh, how do you optimize? How do you actually like really do this? And what I found is, yeah. It's really the simple things. it's staying hydrated. It's eating whole foods. I don't really like to say meditation anymore.

[00:33:36] Alex: I think there's too much judgment there. I spend time in neutral. I throw an eye mask on and I spend 20 minutes laying on the ground, just neutral. Let my brain have no input and have a time of peace. I do breath work. I spend time in the sauna every day. I do cold plunges. All of those things are to help me regulate my nervous system and get in my body.

[00:33:54] Alex: Because if we are in a place where our nervous system is triggered, if we're in a place where our nervous system goes into a sympathetic nervous system response, that fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. Here's what happens. This is scientific. This is proven. If we're in that place of triggered, if we're in that place of response, Yeah.

[00:34:14] Alex: We actually see less options because it's a survival mechanism. If you are in a fight in a survival situation, your brain is going to eliminate options and say, Hey, here's the two or three you should choose from. And at the same time, it's eliminating the options. It's actually pulling the future closer.

[00:34:30] Alex: It's saying, like, here's the decisions you have to make now. You don't need to think about anything out there. And not only is it doing those things, it's slowing down your digestion, it's accelerating your breathing, it's pumping out all types of chemicals that you don't need in your body. Because it thinks you are in a survival situation.

[00:34:46] Alex: And so the more that we can raise the bar of where we get triggered and raise the bar of where we react, the more we are embodied and present and aware and making better decisions for ourselves. And it's not just that, like if you're in a relationship, embodiment may be the most important thing for a man to focus on in their relationship.

[00:35:08] Alex: And let me explain what I mean by this. 100 percent of women feel unsafe around men and have felt unsafe around men and have been assaulted in some way by men. And I know that that sounds like a really grandiose statement, but let me qualify that. 100 percent of women have been objectified because you and I have been taught objectification since we were young.

[00:35:28] Alex: 100 percent of women have felt fear around men because we're bigger than them and we, can dominate them and they feel that fear. I've coached women my whole life. I've worked with tons of women. I grew up in a women's support group. I've seen the behind the scenes conversations that women have, and they've all felt threatened, they've all felt unsafe.

[00:35:46] Alex: And when we, as men are disembodied, our spouse or girlfriends or significant others, nervous system will register that as a threat, whether they know it or not. And if we're not present and aware, and we are intimate with our spouse or partner, and we are disembodied, which by the way, is really easy, we're taught to do this, we're actually taught to be disassociated during sex, we're taught to think about baseball, so you don't finish too soon, and think about what you're going to do next, and have all kinds of fantasies, and have all this other stuff go on, if you're in that place of disembodiment, and you're intimate with your partner, whether they can feel it or not, their nervous system is registering you as a disembodied threat. And when we get into our bodies, when we learn how to breathe, when we learn how to be present, when we learn how to be aware, when we're intimate with our partners, and we are there in the moment with them, not thinking about what's going to happen next, not thinking about lasting longer, not thinking about any of that stuff, everything in intimacy just gets easier.

[00:36:45] Alex: whatever happens happens. And it's an incredible experience. But what's more important is that if you're in your body and you're present and you're in that moment, your spouse's nervous system not only will not register you as a threat. But you can help heal the trauma and the challenges and the pain that they are carrying in their body through intimacy and presence.

[00:37:08] Alex: as I've gone through my journey, it's gone from like, I want pain to go away, to I want to look better, to I want to be the most embodied and present and aware masculine figure that I can for the people around me. that means also balancing my feminine with the masculine so that I have the creativity and the emotions and the flow and the sensuality and the connection with the people around me.

[00:37:36] Alex: And I also have the process and the structure and the way to get it done in the masculine. And when I am embodied, I feel both that masculine and feminine energy. I feel present and I know that my wife registers it as a totally different experience than what it used to be. You know, I want everyone to who's listening to know this was not always me.

[00:37:55] Alex: I'm sharing in a healed state. for a lot of my life, I was addicted to pornography. I was exposed to hardcore porn when I was like eight years old, and it's been a crutch my entire life. I've been disembodied and disassociated, especially during intimacy from almost my entire life, because that's what I thought you were supposed to do.

[00:38:12] Alex: And it wasn't until I really started researching the other side of biohacking, the central nervous system, and connection, and presence, and like, how do you actually create healing through a relationship, that I realized, That all of those behaviors I had watching porn and fantasizing and trying to last longer and all of those things were actually taking me out of the most significant experience that I think we can have as human beings, which is coupling with another person sharing nervous systems, healing each other, being present and aware with each other.

[00:38:44] Alex: And if you are willing to get to that place, you do the work on your own so that when you're together, you're in that embodied place. Sex and ecstasy and pleasure, and all of those things are so radically different because here's what's happens for most guys sector. And this is, I know. Cause I talked to a lot of men and I talked to a lot of women.

[00:39:03] Alex: What happens for a lot of us is we have sex and right afterwards, we feel like we need to have sex again. Because it didn't land, it didn't register, because as men, we have sex to feel validated, seen, and heard. Here's the juxtaposition. Women need to feel validated, seen, and heard in order to want to have sex.

[00:39:22] Alex: And sure there's exceptions, and sure there's different things. I'm giving just like the 50, 000 foot view. And so as men, when we are in our bodies, when we're present, when we're aware, that is validating to the person that you're with, that lets them feel like they're seen and heard, that lets them feel like they're connected to you, that allows for that connection, and then when you're intimate, it is a totally different experience, and the level of satisfaction and ecstasy and pleasure you can feel is so much different than the disembodied, disassociated sex we've all been taught to have.

[00:39:56] Hector: Yeah, what's interesting is that this journey, you've gone on this journey for yourself, but I know that a big part of your efforts now are about bringing that sort of space to your relationship. And it seems like you're very intentional with creating these spaces and creating these opportunities for, for people to connect.

[00:40:14] Hector: What I would imagine is that embodiment to kind of transfer for you to be able to bring that, presence to the relationship, , can you talk a little bit about some of your practices are, or some of the things that you found have worked, with that regard.

[00:40:27] Alex: Yeah, for sure. So for me, hot and cold exposure is really calming to my central nervous system. So I do sauna and cold plunge every morning. bilateral stimulation of the body is really good for processing anything that's come up. So I walk at least a mile, sometimes two or three every day. I do have a practice of spending time in neutral, which like I said, is just covering my eyes.

[00:40:46] Alex: Some people call it meditation. I don't like the judgment of meditation. I just spend time in neutral. and then I, I have a breathwork practice. I've been practicing breathwork for about 11 years. And so, that might be in the moment I'm doing breathwork, but then I also try and find a time and space each day to do breathwork sometimes when I'm in the sauna.

[00:41:02] Alex: I hydrate, like it's my job because the first thing that's going to take you out of mind body connection is not having enough water on board. And then I eat really healthy and I lift weights and. I try and stay as healthy as I can. I'm in the, metrics, like the comparative metrics that I can get my hands on, I'm in the top 1 percent of 50.

[00:41:18] Alex: Well, I'm in the top like 0. 3 percent of 50 year olds and most metrics and in the top 1 percent of all men, and that's where I intend to stay The reason that is so crucially important to me and those practices are so important to me is that it just changed when you are embodied, the entire world looks different.

[00:41:36] Alex: There's this, quote, this woman, Brooke Castillo shares this quote. That's always kind of rubbed me the wrong way where she's like. No matter what you do, 50 percent of your thoughts are going to be negative house. When she first said, I was like, ah, I mean, I guess it gives you permission to have negative thoughts, but does it really have to be that way? here's what I can say with certainty. If you are embodied and you are taking care of yourself and you're with the person that you love, cause that's my situation. I can't speak to anything else. You do not have 50 percent of your thoughts that are negative. Like I'm not even anywhere close to that anymore.

[00:42:07] Alex: the practice that I have in my relationship to create presence and awareness is that, each morning Katie and I have an alignment period. It's about 10 minutes. We sit down and share what we're going to do for the day with each other. And then in the last period of time. Every day, we've been setting up what we call a ceremony space, which is very different.

[00:42:25] Alex: And I'll explain it. it's not a practice that you might hear about a lot, but I set up a space in our bedroom, which is kind of our energy room with a couple of bolsters. And sometimes I put blankets under it. Sometimes I do something else. And Katie and I sit down in that space and we open a ceremony and we share our intentions and then we talk and connect and we have this Very private, very special, very intentional space where the two of us connect deeply on a daily basis.

[00:42:53] Alex: sometimes it takes a half hour, sometimes it takes longer, depending on how much time we have, it might take a lot longer. Sometimes we just talk, sometimes there's intimacy, sometimes we cuddle, sometimes there's emotions that come up, but having that sacred and consistent space between us has been one of the most extraordinary disciplines we've ever had in our relationship.

[00:43:14] Alex: I've had people say things to me like, man, that just sounds like a lot of effort or sounds like it would take a lot of time or how do you find the time to do that? I'm always kind of taking it back because for me, the most important thing in my life outside of my relationship with myself is my relationship with Katie taking that time every day where maybe we'd be watching TV or, wasting time or, phoning it in somewhere else and making this really intentional space for us to other people feels like it's too much time.

[00:43:45] Alex: And for me, I always think like, how can I get more time? Did you be able to do this? And how can I connect with her even more deeply? Because the connection that I have in my relationship is so much of the catalyst that has made me who I am today. And has made me feel the way that I feel on a daily basis where I don't even know how to describe this, When I was younger, there was this term, fuck you money. Like you could make enough money. And it was like, Oh, just, you could say, fuck you to everybody. I feel like I have like, fuck you connection. my connection with my wife is so deep that nothing can penetrate that.

[00:44:20] Alex: Nothing is going to split that apart. I have such a high level of devotion to her that I walk into a room knowing that I have the confidence of someone who has a secure attachment and a relationship that will support me through anything that I do. I don't think there's anything more important than that.

[00:44:37] Hector: Yeah, this has been a really, really good conversation. got one more question for you, Alex, but before we do that, where can people go deeper in your world? Find out more about what you, what you do and maybe just stay in tune to what you're going to be up to in the future.

[00:44:51] Alex: Yeah, so you can go to sharpen. com, just my last name. com and we haven't modified the website yet, but we're going to change it. So it explains that Katie and I are taking a year off and that we're successful entrepreneurs exploring what we're going to do. And from time to time, we're going to shoot out an email and share some of what we're doing.

[00:45:08] Alex: And so if anybody's interested in following along, you can go to our website, sign up for any of the free resources and you'll be on our email list. And then, I have two episodes left that I'm going to publish, but I have a podcast called Momentum for the Entrepreneurial Personality Type. I think we're just over 900 episodes and, I've got two left and then I'm walking away from it.

[00:45:28] Alex: It's actually in the top half of 1 percent of podcasts. So I'm sure there'll be some listeners in the future. And if you're interested, like pretty much my whole body of work is there. And then, we'll come back with something else. And if you're on the email list, you'll know about it. we'll link all that up in the show notes so you can check that listeners for those links. Last question, Alex, in your opinion, what is the, uh. Definition of modern masculinity,

[00:45:53] Alex: Such an interesting question, Hector. I actually think we've talked about it a lot. I think that the goal of a man should be able to be present enough and in his body enough and connected to himself enough that the outside world doesn't matter. Have done enough processing so that we are both familiar and intimate with the masculine side of our personality and just as much the feminine side of our personality, because all of us have both aspects For us to be the type of person that we want to be in today's world, it's about dropping the barriers and forgetting about all of the fake stuff that you, you want to tell people or think about and being real and transparent and integral first with yourself.

[00:46:44] Alex: Them with your spouse or partner at the absolute highest level and then with the world, because I can say today that I have absolutely no secrets in the world there is nothing anybody has on me because I've said it all publicly. anything that could be revealed already has been, and I have absolutely nothing to hide.

[00:47:05] Alex: So when I walk into a room, I have the presence of someone who's not only fully embodied, but also has absolutely no concern or intimidation of what may happen. And if you can get to the place where you can do those two things, I think you define what modern masculinity should be.

[00:47:23] Hector: fantastic and fantastic stuff. I want to thank you fellas for sticking with us today. If you made it this far, we would be forever grateful for a rating or review, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you know a guy who needs to hear this, or even, lady who needs to hear this, hit that share button and, let them know that you were thinking about them.

[00:47:39] Hector: Some of the show, but, we appreciate you being here. We'll see on the next one later.