Breaking Patterns: Love, Loss, and Emotional Liberation with Amarii Usher

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellas, what's going on? I hope this episode finds you well. And as always, my intention is to leave you better than when it found you. And I'm excited to chat today with Amari Escher. And it's somebody, there's a few times and infrequent times on the show where I sort of have to prevent myself from fanboying a little bit.

[00:00:50] Hector: I don't get like that too often, but. I had been following Amari for a while and he's just such a talented filmmaker and so deep and so raw and it resonates so much with his content and he's got a rather large following and he's doing some really great things. And so when he said, you know, that he was willing to come on the show, I, was stoked and,

[00:01:11] Hector: it was a great conversation. We got into some really raw stuff, especially about, you know, my relationship. And I don't ever like to make this show about me. But what I have found and I have learned is that I am not the only one who has gone through the shit that I've gone through. And so there's probably a chance that either you or A homeboy or a buddy or somebody, has gone through some of these things.

[00:01:36] Hector: And we're just trying to de stigmatize these things and let them know that like, man, we all, fuck up. I fuck up. I mean, I've, I've, I've talked a lot about how I fucking fumbled the bag here, you know, and sort of some of the things that, I don't like the language that's coming out of my mouth, but at least, you know, from the current perspective, and one of the ones that I'm fighting to overcome is like the things that cost me my marriage.

[00:01:58] Hector: Right? It's a weird perspective that I think you probably need to work through a little bit. But like, what were some of those things that I wasn't taking responsibility for? What were some of the blind spots that I didn't see that ended up smacking me in the face? Fucking, you know, Years later, anyways, enough about me.

[00:02:15] Hector: As you can see that this is a topic that, strikes me deep. That's why we're here. Let's get in today's episode with Mr. Amari Usher.

[00:02:24] Hector: Amari. Welcome to the modern masculinity podcast. Thanks for being here, my man.

[00:02:28] Amarii: Appreciate you for having me.

[00:02:30] Hector: One thing we have our guests to do is have them take us into their world. Because I think a lot of guys have this idea that they're the only ones dealing with the problems that they're dealing with. And there's a lot of shame that we carry around because we feel like we're the only one.

[00:02:44] Hector: and we try and, in these conversations, uncover some of those things that, A lot of guys are, are sort of just dealing with. And so I'm curious for you you know, as a man, as a partner, business owner, as an influencer lately, you know, all these roles and hats that you play as a man, what sort of challenges are you still working with or what sort of, things are you still working through or, wounds that you might be still healing at this point in your journey?

[00:03:08] Amarii: I will say balancing, my emotions because, I used to be a very, emotional guy, but I died it down last year. I got like a self realization about myself. So now I'm trying to find that balance because I don't want to be emotionless because that may come off as like, oh, you don't care.

[00:03:24] Amarii: And it's do care. It's just. I'm not going to show it that much. I'm not going to come off as like, Oh, he cared too much or whatever. So that's the part that I'm working on. just showing some type of, empathy because it may come off that I don't have it at all, but I do.

[00:03:36] Hector: I want to get into that, but we're going to come back. One of the clips that's going viral that I'm curious to get your thoughts on is this, I don't know if you've seen it, this clip of Shaq saying like he would never tell a woman his emotions, He would never show a woman his emotions.

[00:03:50] Hector: you know the clip that I'm referencing?

[00:03:51] Amarii: I've never saw it. No, no.

[00:03:52] Hector: So he basically they're asking him about, you know, how often do you become vulnerable with a woman, right? Or, you know, share your emotions. And he's like, I would never, I'd never share my vulnerability with them. And the clip kind of goes on to be like, because the moment things go south, she's going to use that against you.

[00:04:09] Hector: Right. And that's kind of his perspective. and it was an interesting one. Cause I'm like, damn, he's, he's right. I've been there, you know, and so the challenges as men, it's like, you say that and I'm like, damn, that's fucked up that he's got to like temper his emotions because that's just, that's fucked up

[00:04:24] Amarii: Yeah.

[00:04:25] Hector: this period. And also I'm wrestling with the fact of damn. Okay. Was I too, emotional with my ex, I too vulnerable? And in that vulnerability, she started to feel unsafe, like, all these things. So it's like, how do you reconcile those worlds?

[00:04:40] Hector: And in the stuff that you're talking about, you know, how would you maybe speak to a man who like, doesn't know what the fuck to do when it comes to navigating that situation either?

[00:04:48] Amarii: I would really say like, you gotta trust who you're with. that may take months. It may take years or whatever, but you have to know who you're dealing with. And I don't know if it's people who showed themselves within the first three or six months. I don't know which one it is, but you would know who you're dealing with within like three to six months.

[00:05:05] Amarii: So you can take it to the point where you feel vulnerable with them and you want to express your emotions or you could do the opposite. But I feel like it's important to show your emotions because we, as men, we bottle it up so much. And then when we lash out later on that's when we hurt the person that we love.

[00:05:23] Amarii: So I feel like it is important no matter how you feel like. Tell them it doesn't matter. Like, as long as you get it out, that's all that matters.

[00:05:30] Hector: Yeah. I want to come back to that, getting it out and I found to kind of place that emotion. But what's interesting is you say about this three, six months thing, as I look back on my, you know, How my marriage started and in its eventual dissolution or, divorce and such.

[00:05:44] Hector: I remember If someone were to go to me, like how many of these red flags, it's very common today to see, Oh, that's a red flag. That's red flag. That's right. Even what I love about your content is you're making sort of this, this trauma bond, like that concept more in, in the lexicon. So people know what you're talking about.

[00:06:01] Hector: I was a, prototypical standard trauma bond saying, just waving the red flag through. Why? Because She would love bomb me. And why? Because all these sorts of things that were just textbook and I go, I just fell right into that blueprint. But I had no, concept of it. And it's only now that I've been through it and that there are people like you who are creating content around it that helps me to see that sort of thing.

[00:06:26] Hector: But when I say those sorts of things, what resonates for you and in terms of the, things and the, concepts that you're trying to get through in your content.

[00:06:34] Amarii: I like to talk about the situation that nobody likes to talk about situations and emotions that we ignore on a daily, because whenever I put out content, I may or may not be going through it. It depends on what it is, but if somebody out there is going through it. And I get a lot of comments saying like, Oh man, like you really put out, content that nobody else does.

[00:06:55] Amarii: Like you put out uncomfortable conversations and the situations. And I'm like, that's the whole point. Like we ignore so, so much and it's like, we can't keep ignoring it. That's why we have trauma. That's why we have like, things that we ignore. Within ourselves and, why we come off as red flags or whatever, like we ignore so much about ourselves and it's like, nah, I'm bringing this to the forefront.

[00:07:13] Amarii: we need to deal with this. go to therapy, talk to yourself, do something because we can't keep ignoring it. Yeah. One of the videos, one of the reels that you put out recently, it was great makeup job, hopefully it was makeup. Uh, you had like this, this big black eye and, and essentially the premise of, I don't want to give it away, but the premise of it is that there's two, people who are unhealed, throwing their, pain, on each other.

[00:07:35] Hector: Right. And I think there's that, I think it's a J Cole reference, right? Like hurt people, hurt people sort of thing. for you, I'm curious how that. Sort of stuff becomes the thing that you, like those conversations, do you have experiences in your life or do you see friends who go through this stuff?

[00:07:50] Hector: Like what sort of stuff makes that so real for you to be able to convey it in a way that I'm like, damn, the storytelling just, it hits in a different way that I think really sinks through to people and they can kind of understand these concepts that I feel most people, like at least the exes that I have, like, no, I don't have that.

[00:08:07] Hector: That's not me. You know, and they're not open to those sorts of concepts, but when they see a video like yours, it's really hard to argue with something like that.

[00:08:16] Amarii: Right. I get my concepts from myself and the video may be something I went through like years ago. Like it's rare for something For me to put out a video where I just went through it recently, like most likely I've been through it like four or five years ago. So, I feel like at that point I'm over the situation and I can like joke about it in a way or like put it out for somebody else to learn from it.

[00:08:38] Amarii: But, yeah, that's where I get all my ideas from. Like, it's rare that I get it from somebody else's experience.

[00:08:43] Hector: You know, the terrible part, the jokester in my head that popped up is like, Oh, he's like a, different sort of Taylor Swift, right? Like all your exes just become a real instead of a

[00:08:51] Hector: song. The other one that was really you put out recently that I was like, It really got to me.

[00:08:59] Hector: and I don't know why it hit me so, so hard was a story of a, of a girl who, got pregnant and didn't know who the dad was and essentially went, to the guy who, I don't want to reveal too much of the story, but I, I think it just spoke to, and you can reveal as much of it as you'd like, but I think it just spoke to like how fucked up the times are now.

[00:09:19] Hector: And how, drastic and how weird of a world we live in where I was like, oh, girls think that way and that's normal for the and not, to like, put any shade on them because they're just living in a world where they're trying to survive. they're trying to figure out how to cope with all of these circumstances.

[00:09:35] Hector: But when you look at like how society and how our environment and the economy and politics and social media and all that stuff is playing into relationships, what sort of impact do you think that has on what we're dealing with?

[00:09:47] Amarii: feel like we get damn near all of our news, our, therapy from social media. So social media plays a big impact on everybody, especially this generation. it's a good thing and a bad thing because it's like you, you take, whatever information you're given and you just put that in to your own life.

[00:10:06] Amarii: But I feel like nowadays people run with that information the wrong way. they take it in the wrong way. that's what messes themselves up in these situations that they go through within themselves. So social media is a weird place.

[00:10:18] Hector: Well, if they're not intentional with their, values, who they are, what I find is that very easily social media can point you in a direction where you don't, where you don't want to go. it knew I was going through a divorce. It knew, all of these things, just by just swiping my, feet.

[00:10:34] Hector: I mean, you could just tell from the videos that it was putting in front of me, all of these things. And so there was a while where I had to go through and click the three little dots and be like, I'm not interested in

[00:10:42] Hector: This This shit is triggering. Don't show me this shit anymore. Right.

[00:10:47] Hector: You know, I had to tell him and I knew, for a while where I had to go through and retrain my algorithm to be like, yo, this, you don't need to tell me how bad shit is anymore. Like I'm here to try and get a really, and I feel like I'm sure guys are not doing that in mass, where they're kind of controlling their algorithm and thus they're just getting whatever people are saying to them.

[00:11:06] Hector: don't know that that's healthy for relationships.

[00:11:08] Amarii: It's not. It's really not social media is not real, social media is not real. And, especially for relationships, know, the same when you see somebody online, when you see a couple online, they may seem happy, but they're really like going through it offline. So you can't believe everything you see on social media.

[00:11:24] Hector: feel like that's, almost what I think now. when I see a couple like posting a lot, oh, how amazing my wife is, oh, look how, I'm like, oh, they're going through it. Like they're about to, like, I see it happening because before I was like, Oh, look at this happy couple.

[00:11:38] Hector: Oh my goodness. And like, fuck, how come we're not

[00:11:40] Hector: like that? and then you guys see the post and they're like, so and so filed for divorce three weeks ago and yada, yada, yada. And you're like, well, you know, and all of us start to come out and there's actually one, particularly, polarizing couple on, Instagram that I'm thinking about this with right now, but it's unfortunate because guys are, and I don't, I'm pretty intentional and mindful with, what I try and let into my brain. And I remember thinking with that couple of like, fuck man, they got it. Damn, like they got that Jay Z beyond like, you know, and even, even that right, that will and Jada, like, even that you look at that and it's all just,

[00:12:13] Hector: it's all a

[00:12:13] Hector: mirage.

[00:12:14] Hector: Right.

[00:12:14] Amarii: the perfect example, yeah. Mm-hmm

[00:12:16] Hector: and I think guys just, they need to, feed themselves with, the right sort of stuff. So, I'd love to dig for you to go into your archive a little bit in your brain, and I'd love for you to share some of your favorite either premises or videos or concepts or ideas.

[00:12:30] Hector: Because what I also love about you is you're a pretty prolific video creator. I mean, you're putting out, multiple videos a week, if not daily, very close to it. So are there any favorites? Are there any ones that you feel made a particular impact? Or maybe it was the one that, went viral.

[00:12:43] Hector: I'm just curious what sort of stuff seems to be resonating out there with people?

[00:12:48] Amarii: I'm trying to think more on a, topic level than the actual, like visual. 'cause I, I, I have certain videos that I like visually rather than the topic. So one of my favorites is the one where, I'm in the parking lot with a girl and I start backing up. I don't know if you saw that one. I'm just like backing up and she's telling me like, Oh, I'm in love with you. And I was like, Oh, I'm not ready for that. that's one of my favorite videos only because like, I can resonate with that because I've been in situations where, everything's going good.

[00:13:14] Amarii: And they said it, that L word, or they say just something that, that just like triggers your mind. It's just like, Oh no, I'm not ready for this. Like, it's getting serious now. Like I need to fall back. So I think that's one of my favorite videos.

[00:13:26] Hector: I started dating my ex wife back in 2016, 2017. So we were over together about eight years. And the reason I bring that up is that was a different dating world back then. That was a very different dating world. And in my head, I, locked it up.

[00:13:43] Hector: committed monogamy here it is lifer, you know, and now I'm thinking like, well, what did that get me? But that's neither here nor there. I'm still healing that. I'm still working on processing that. But my point is, is that now I'm at this place where I didn't see myself getting back into it.

[00:13:59] Hector: And now there's things like situationships and there's things like, someone who's not emotionally available and talking stage. And there's all these different things. I'm like, this is different, so I can only imagine that guys too, who aren't as up on, like, it's just a different world.

[00:14:14] Hector: And I don't know that the playbook has caught up. are there things that you've seen or learned or felt? I mean, like, How do you help a guy to see how to date and I don't even like thrive is the word that comes up, but, that seems like weird to say, like thriving in this new world.

[00:14:29] Hector: Because what is, what does that mean? You're, non monogamous and you've got a harem, like, because I feel like people are going that direction too, which I'm not here to judge anyone. But,

[00:14:38] Hector: where do we go now? How do we, how do we play this game? Because I feel like it's, we were playing checkers all day.

[00:14:44] Hector: and now it's chess. we don't know what to do.

[00:14:46] Amarii: Yeah, it's, tough nowadays. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not dating right now. cause I'm focused on like, you know what I'm doing and stuff. But think the best thing is let's take our social media. Let's say you're out in public or whatever. Go to a place where you will want to meet.

[00:15:00] Amarii: Like, I feel like that's the best advice to give. Go to a place where you want to meet a woman. Because if you say like, Oh, I don't want to be the girl in the club. Don't go to the club. I don't want to be the girl who does this or whatever. Like, go to the place that you want to go.

[00:15:12] Hector: what's interesting, you said that you're not, dating right now. And I feel like even that would have been weird to say years ago.

[00:15:19] Hector: I don't know how many years ago, but also I, grew up in a Mexican American sort of machismo culture where the top dog that always had the girl, if you didn't have the girl, you weren't the top dog you like, or there was no, like, all of a sudden, if you didn't have a girl, it meant you were less than in some sort of way.

[00:15:39] Hector: Right. And, so when my. Marriage started to dissolve. I had this, incessant drive to go out and, like, want to fuck something and it was a really weird sort of like, I'm like, where is it? Like, what is this? What is this coming from? Why do you want to download dating apps?

[00:15:56] Hector: Why do you want to go to bar, bars you've never been? you know, In your heart of hearts, you don't want to but where is this visceral pool to sort of do that, to kind of go and do those things. And it was a real, I can't tell you how many breathwork sessions I had to go through this, try and like quell that sort of like anxiety of like, wow, my body sort of somatically just freaking out.

[00:16:19] Hector: and I don't know how many guys are like comfortable, Being like, no, I'm just not dating right now, you know, because I didn't know that was an option in the drop down

[00:16:29] Amarii: Yeah. Nah, it's real. I did it a little bit in the beginning of the year, but even when you let them know your intentions up front, you still got that question at, the end where it's like, oh, uh, are we going on a second date? Or where are we going?

[00:16:41] Amarii: It's like, okay, I, I told you from the jump, this is what it is on my end, and are you okay with this when we go on this date? And yeah, the communication still gets jumbled up. So I'm like, you know what? Let me just focus on what I'm doing right now and I'll get back to this later.

[00:16:55] Hector: because it'll be there. Right.

[00:16:57] Hector: That's, that's what I had to realize to I had this internal freaking out. And I was wondering, like, is there a, biological clock that I, as a man am having to write. And then I'm also realizing, like, bro, you just chill. Just like, it was a very intentional process to make that turn.

[00:17:13] Hector: and thankfully the universe provided all of the challenges necessary to get me focused on the right sort of areas, but, but otherwise, it would not come out that way. Another thing that I, think about, when it comes to, these things is like, you talked about communication I'm wondering. It seems like men and women are so far away from like being on the same page that I don't know how, I don't know what to do about that, when you look at some of the things that, that women are saying about what they want and you look at it, like it just, nobody seems to be at all in the same ballpark and it makes me also wonder like how, Just throwing up my hands and being like, is there, is there any point in, having a relationship.

[00:17:55] Hector: And I asked a previous guest recently, Josh winner has become friend mentor, from a far bit. And I said, Josh, do you still think that John Mayer love exists? I don't know if you know, John Mayer, you know, we bodies or your body's a wonderland. long hair, white guy of the two thousands with his guitar, sort of jack johnson as right. Like white guy, love music of the two thousands. And, he said yes, but I was actually questioning, you know, does that love still exist? Let me give you an example. does the temptations sort of love. Still exist, right? The, my girl, that mindset where it's like kind of an idealistic thing and maybe I'm just going through it.

[00:18:33] Hector: But that worldview has sort of been shattered where I think that there is, you know, one true love or one person. Cause I'm like, don't know. I look around at social media and how things are going. And I'm like, I'm trying, I would love to believe that, but I just don't know if I do anymore.

[00:18:47] Amarii: Right. Right. Yeah. I feel like there's always hope. now don't have options. We all think that we have so many options because of social media. And these are all just pretty faces. You don't know how these people personalities are. So it's out there, but you just gotta pick out the ones that you like and don't like.

[00:19:04] Hector: Well, I think a good example is you've probably seen these videos of the whole pop the balloon sort

[00:19:08] Hector: of dating shows, right? those are all over. they're funny and they're entertaining. And also I'm like, damn, we're discounting someone based on Their genes on there.

[00:19:19] Hector: She's like, it's just a really weird mindset that all of a sudden, my five year old daughter, she goes, Oh, that's how you pick a man, I'll share another story with you that, that you might just. This thing is interesting is I don't know who sings it, but there's a song where it goes, I don't need a man.

[00:19:35] Hector: I need a puppy. it's by, one of these, female rappers who she's miss independence. that's her thesis is, is I don't need a man. need a puppy. And my daughter is sort of singing this. And I'm like, yeah, you get it, right? I'm like,

[00:19:49] Hector: I remember the first time I heard it.

[00:19:50] Hector: I was so upset

[00:19:52] Hector: because I think that sort of speaks to the unfortunate mindset of where we're at in today's world is like women aren't, creating a space for men. And granted, men did not treat women, however many years you want to count. Okay. Yeah, for sure. Like we check the history books for sure.

[00:20:08] Hector: We don't have a good record. And also, I don't know that swinging the pendulum all the way to the other side is, the answer either. and that's what a lot of men are feeling is that they just don't have a place in the relationship. Because if I'm being honest, I don't think women are consciously or unconsciously allowing that space to be there.

[00:20:25] Amarii: Yeah. I agree. I agree. I think it goes back of them being one to be independent, which is cool, but I know for sure at the end of the day, we all need each other. So you can be independent all you want, but there are certain things that we, as men, we need help with and definitely women need help with as well.

[00:20:44] Amarii: So.

[00:20:45] Hector: sure.

[00:20:46] Amarii: They can continue with that, but we all need each other at the end of the day.

[00:20:49] Hector: I think that there's a biological need for men to like, I was feeling this today. Like, It feels good for me, for my kids to like, need me, for me to, pay for the bills, for me to put food in the refrigerator, like, now maybe someone would, come in and step in, but at least it provides value, I get a sense of worth from that.

[00:21:09] Hector: I remember putting in the groceries and feeling a sense of pride and also I remember there was a time where we had to like really fight. To get that many groceries in the, in the refrigerator. So I'm like, damn, now the fridge is filled.

[00:21:22] Hector: And all that sort of stuff feels good. And I remember my ex told me one time, she was like, I'm maybe imagining the effort. So I won't say it. She said, we don't need you. I remember that cut so deep it hurt so bad. And it was at a time where, you know, I, I just lost some income.

[00:21:37] Hector: And like, so it was a time where I was, I was not at, the top. so that sort of thing, I think is for men, it feels good to be needed to be wanted to, provide, like, there's a sense of worth that comes from that. And all of a sudden, in the same way that if you refuse someone's gift and you tell them, like, I don't want your gift, that's the same thing as telling a man, like, we don't need you, we don't need your help.

[00:21:59] Amarii: Yeah.

[00:22:00] Hector: And just today, like, my kid's mom was like, I, I did not handle this the best. So I'm going to share this online. She was like, I need you to get something out of the car that was heavy. And I was like, Oh, it feels good to be needed, but, there's all of that, right? And that was like a real, you know, sort of thing that I had to process. But I think that that's something that men have to accept and understand. And women likewise have to create space for as well.

[00:22:26] Amarii: Yeah, I agree. it's tough because always going to be a men versus women debate. And it's like, okay, we can debate till the world ends, but we still need each other. At the end of the day. It feels good to have companion. it's always gonna be a fight ' cause somebody doesn't agree with something, so.

[00:22:42] Hector: Well, yeah, that's what I realized too, is that it is nice to have a companion. The challenge though, is I think. what's nice is that we're starting to figure out at least perhaps, maybe it's just the show is starting to define what does a man look like in today's world, right? What is, what is that?

[00:22:59] Hector: what is modern masculinity? And at least from what I've gathered, it's a bit of both. It's the old school protect and provide, sort of thing. Go take down the bad guy, go out. Put food on the table, that sort of thing. And also it's an integrated sort of, I don't know what the words are would be, but it's like an integrated father, dad, like sort of role, There's, there's a need to not just be hardened. There's a need to heal and integrate and all that stuff. And it's, and it's both of those, what we haven't landed on, or, and maybe I'm just not tuned into the right spaces is what does that mean for women? What's an integrated version of a woman to today's world, I remember, I'm airing out a little bit, but here it is. there was a time where, and I think I've said this on the show before, but my ex wife was like, you're not man enough to be with me, you know? And so that was a big impetus for the shows. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that means.

[00:23:51] Hector: Like, because I asked, what does that mean? And I couldn't get an answer. There was no answer there because I, whatever, that wasn't clear on that side. But also for me, I'm like, okay, if that's, what's being felt, I know I have to take responsibility for it. Cause that's not coming out of nowhere. So what, so what does that mean?

[00:24:07] Hector: we're 80, 90 shows deep and that's kind of what I've started to figure out.

[00:24:11] Hector: But to that point, what I had a conversation with her or I questioned her one time. I was like, well, what does it mean to be a woman? Like what? What does that mean? If we're over here and saying, okay, we have this idea of what a man is, what is it?

[00:24:24] Hector: What does it mean to be a woman? And I think we're further back on that answer, especially with all the things that are going on the Olympics and, LGBTQ and It's just so in flux that, there's no way that I say it's no way. It's hard for people to have a relationship in these kind of that require roles and require, Collaboration cooperation.

[00:24:45] Hector: If we don't have any, if we're not clear on what those rules are.

[00:24:48] Amarii: Yeah. It is, we have such a bigger role in society and relationships that it's like, okay, for a woman nowadays, all you have to do is just be pretty and exist. yeah, we would want a woman who can cook and clean and stuff, but that's literally it. That's all we don't ask for anything else.

[00:25:05] Amarii: So, yeah, at the end of the day, we still have more things to do than a woman. So it doesn't matter, honestly.

[00:25:12] Hector: You know, the nice thing as I'm going through this sort of experience, I'm like, you know what, it is nice to have someone who takes care of the space and takes care of the home. And I'm like, I can do it, but I'm not good at it. Like, don't ask me to decorate anything. My shit will look like a freaking prison cell.

[00:25:29] Hector: You know, I'll have one thing on the wall. Like, that'll be it.

[00:25:32] Hector: Yeah. And so I think that there, once again, well, actually I was talking with Will Little, who I was interviewing earlier about this acceptance of who we are and also who we're not, it's funny in house, it used to be like, everybody, we all are equal until there's a spider around.

[00:25:47] Hector: And

[00:25:48] Hector: then it's like, We need dad, we need the guy and it's like, well, what, you know, or we need something heavy to get pulled out. so it's like, if we can just accept that and we can go, all right, well, what's the equal understanding? And now everybody comes to the table and no one's bitter and no one's upset and no one's holding grudges and no one that's so much a cause of these divorces and breakups is that there's this bitterness that builds up over time because people are the expectations that people have. And then the actual things that. make a healthy relationship they're not matched

[00:26:17] Amarii: Do you think that it's an ego thing on both sides.

[00:26:20] Hector: for sure. Yeah, for sure. there's equal responsibility. When I look at my relationship, I go, I was equally as responsible, as her, you know, and, in that, I'm also coming to the terms that I don't know, if I could have saved it necessarily, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still, responsible for what happened and also responsible for where we're getting out of it.

[00:26:41] Hector: and as you say that, I think that so much of it was ego driven, right? I was so caught up in my own fucking world, my own anxieties, my own, as you say, I was so trapped in my own trauma. and I didn't realize that's what it was.

[00:26:56] Amarii: Yeah. Mm-hmm

[00:26:57] Hector: So my ex, she got a new job and started traveling a lot.

[00:27:00] Hector: And so I remember early on in that journey, she was leaving for a weekend and it was always a hard, time when she would leave. But just started bawling uncontrollably. And I even remember when we first started dating, she would leave my house at three, four in the morning to be traffic or whatever.

[00:27:14] Hector: And I would just have these Uncontrollable, like fucking like panic attacks, like just start bawling on the front porch. And I would tell her like, I don't know why this is happening, And that's all I knew at that moment. things kept on and life kept going, but I never dealt with it.

[00:27:29] Hector: And so that sort of reared its head and came back up and it's like all these abandonment wounds and all this sort of stuff. And it's like the. The inability to see outside of that trauma was what kind of kept me stuck. And that was, ego, it's me, me, me, what about me?

[00:27:44] Hector: What about my, I feel like and I was so, so like stuck in that. And it was only when I was able to kind of step outside of it that I realized like, Oh, like, here's actually what's happening, here's what's going on. And, in the responsibility part, I think that it was like a self fulfilled prophecy.

[00:27:59] Hector: Yeah. I freaked out so much and ended up pushing her away essentially.

[00:28:03] Hector: And so, yeah, I think it's

[00:28:05] Hector: definitely on both sides.

[00:28:07] Amarii: Yeah. Yeah. I sadly, I feel like. we want so much praise that we forget that, okay, it's not about us all the time. we want that affirmation. Like, yeah, you're doing a good job as a man, or even with women, you're doing a good job as well. Don't speak for us, but yeah, you're doing a good job as a man that we forget, like, okay, these are things that you're supposed to do. So it's like, should you get praised for something that, that is like mandatory or I don't know.

[00:28:35] Hector: Well, yeah, brings up this idea that I remember telling a good buddy, and previous guests of the show, Lawrence Denning. I was like, man, I don't remember a time where my driving force in life was not a girl.

[00:28:48] Hector: I don't remember a time.

[00:28:50] Hector: Like kindergarten. Damn. There's that cute girl over there. How do I get over there?

[00:28:54] Hector: Oh, let me go throw a market like a first grade fifth grade. Okay. How do I do this? Okay, let me get good at football about like let me climb whatever social ladders Let me do whatever I need to let me wear whatever clothes I need to do Like I will chameleon myself in to do whatever Environment or group or situations that's gonna get me a girl and all of a sudden when my marriage started to dissolve and I started to like hop on these, I'm like, why am I chasing another group?

[00:29:19] Hector: Like what am I chasing? And it was that validation. It was that self worth. And I had to like, start to fill my own cup and realize like you, you should like, you don't love your self right now. You are, you don't love your own self enough. And that's why you're hoping someone else can love you and to fill that void. And, just in like the last couple of weeks, do I feel like Man, I finally, I'm like at peace where I can be in your place where like, no, I'm not dating right now. and feel genuinely okay with that. And I don't know if I'm there yet. Cause if, another pretty Latina walked up and said she wanted to go get dinner on, Monday, I'd be like, I probably, I probably obliged to the invitation.

[00:29:57] Hector: But the point is, is like there

[00:29:58] Hector: was a time where I was like, I got to get a date. I got to find a date.

[00:30:02] Hector: I

[00:30:02] Amarii: Right.

[00:30:03] Hector: And that required healing

[00:30:05] Amarii: Yeah. Yeah. I went through the same thing. I promise you like it last year was the year for like 2023. I would never forget that year. Like so many things happen. I was actually in a relationship last year and that's when the whole transformation for myself started to happen. Like I started thinking back on like all the situationships and relationships I've been in and I'm like, I blame those women for how I am today when I should have been blaming myself because no matter what they did, I allowed that to happen because I was always chasing somebody I feel like last year was the year I went full throttle with focusing on content because all the years before the content was there, but then again, there's some girl on the side and I'm trying to get into a relationship with so last year it was, very difficult for me to go through that while being in a relationship because it's like, okay, damn, I got the girl, but now I don't want the girl. I want the content more now. So it was, a tough ass situation. explained it to her the best way I could, She didn't understand it fully, of course, because, you know, you're leaving a relationship and when everything is going fine.

[00:31:07] Amarii: So it was tough, but I had to do it for me because I know I never got this chance with myself. Like it's always been me and a woman has never just been me. I definitely understand. I definitely needed that.

[00:31:21] Hector: Wow. Maybe I needed this conversation today because the first question was like, Oh, am I enough to just do it on my own? So I was like, okay, check that box. All right, cool. Do I want to do it on my own? Right? Like that was the next thing. And that's also what I've realized is what you did is there's never been a time where I was focusing myself.

[00:31:40] Hector: On me and what I wanted to do, even, you know, sports and whatever business, like there was always, there's always something on the side and, whatever sort of mental capacity or Ram or time or energy, was taken up. And so my, curiosity is, have you seen, like, I look at you now and I'm like, damn dude's blown up.

[00:31:58] Hector: I told you before I was like, I gotta keep myself from fanboying out here. And so I, hit of critical mass a little bit. Did you see a shift after that? are you reaping some of the rewards from that decision or

[00:32:09] Hector: is that still sort of in the process?

[00:32:11] Amarii: I feel like a lot has happened since, that transformation with myself. I don't know if it was just me working. I know it has to be with me more working harder, but, I don't know if me leaving the relationship helped. I feel like it does because, I don't have to worry about somebody else.

[00:32:25] Amarii: I can worry about my own emotions. Like, if I'm feeling down, I can only worry about like, okay, how are we going to get back up? Because we have work to do. So it does. There was a difference, but there was from last year to this year. Like so many things have happened. Like I get too, too many things. So I feel like it was, definitely beneficial and I made the right decision.

[00:32:44] Hector: Yeah, it's another theme that comes up as this ability to go against the grain, you know, I'm 32. You look like you're right around there too. How old are you? Okay. you probably were in the same sort of thing where there was a, groove in a path. It was like, go to school, get good grades, that sort of thing.

[00:33:02] Hector: And I think as men, if you're going to work that path, there has to be like an authentic path. Willingness to go in and go, I'm going to, I'm going to be in that path, but I think most guys, they just either do that or they find something else, they go hard the other way, whether it's, drugs, alcohol, gang, that sort of thing, right. some sort of rebellion against the system, but at some point a guy needs to like step outside of the masses and go, I'm going to, I'm going to chart my own path. it just seems like these sort of events have, catalyzed that for you.

[00:33:32] Hector: sure not, for lack of pain, I'm sure it didn't feel good throughout it, but right. I

[00:33:36] Hector: think that there was like a crucible of sorts.

[00:33:39] Amarii: Yeah, it didn't feel good at all. I don't like hurting anybody in any way, but I know those previous years I was not choosing myself. So I feel like that was the time for me, like, right, bro. This is, this is your time now. Bye. It sucks, but you got to do what you got to do. we got goals to reach.

[00:33:53] Amarii: So, just let her down easy and just do what you got to do.

[00:33:56] Hector: Yeah. this like ability to lean into discomfort has been sort of something that's come up. For me, because for so long of my life, I would try and do things that were like as easy as possible or as painless as possible. And that meant avoiding confrontation. That meant not having tough conversations.

[00:34:11] Hector: That meant staying in relationships that I should have left. That meant like all those sorts of things. I wanted to be like the prototypical Mr. Nice guy. You know, I'm not sure if you've read that book. but, it's written by Dr. Robert Gover. He's a fantastic guy.

[00:34:25] Hector: you would get a lot out of it, but, it reminds me that, these experiences are not necessarily like enjoyable in the moment in the same way that a good workout is not enjoyable in the moment. it's hard in the moment and it feels great afterwards or there's some good afterwards and what I've learned about these sort of experiences is that the more I can lean into that discomfort, the more, comfort comes, the more, good blessings come from that ability to lean into the things that I was previously afraid of or scared of or whatever.

[00:34:57] Hector: And I think that can be applied, especially to

[00:34:59] Hector: relationships. Amari,

[00:35:02] Amarii: That's that's facts, man.

[00:35:05] Hector: as we ran out here, I got two more questions for you, but is there anything that you feel, topics, subjects that you feel, we didn't cover today that, you think is relevant to what we talked about?

[00:35:15] Amarii: attachment styles. I haven't avoided. Attachment style and I think that's my downfall at the moment because when I was going through what, well, I'm not currently going through right now, but when I was going through that transformation, I didn't work on the relationship part of me. So when I do go through situations with women, now I am quick to like, I don't want to talk about this.

[00:35:36] Amarii: Let's move on, brush it under the rug. I will avoid the hell out of a situation because I don't like arguing. And even. If I get those words, like, oh, it's not an argument. We're just talking. Somebody is going to be yelling at the end of this conversation. So I'd rather not have it at all. So I think attachment styles, that's like one of the things nowadays.

[00:35:56] Hector: I'm the anxious attachment. Who's like, no, let's just have a conversation.

[00:36:00] Hector: I just want to talk about it. We just got to talk about this. she was the avoidant. So, that's something that's come online recently. and for those listeners who aren't, aren't really aware of it, I mean, I think the, best way to sum it up and you might be able to, to add into this as well as that are our parents leave this imprint on us that we replicate.

[00:36:17] Hector: in future relationships. and what's interesting is I too see that like, Oh, the same thing that my ex had and the same sort of love that my ex gave was the same sort of love that my mom gave.

[00:36:26] Hector: It was this conditional, only if you do this my way or the highway sort of thing. and for me, that felt normal and

[00:36:34] Hector: also when I didn't get that and maybe anxious as hell and, and, you know, anything outside of that created a huge sort of, all these abandonment wounds, I think is really what it led to,

[00:36:44] Hector: has that been your experience or, or what have you found to be, some of the core things that come out of attachment

[00:36:49] Hector: styles?

[00:36:49] Amarii: as a kid, I feel like I've always had that. Cause even with my mom, like I live with my mom, my whole life, even when we got into it, she was the yeller. my mom's a very loud speaker. I don't want to hear that. So I'm quick to like, let's get this over with. You tell me what you need to tell me so I can go to my room.

[00:37:05] Amarii: So it did get into my relationships like in the future and stuff. So yeah, like as a kid, I've always been avoiding, whatever I did, just tell me don't do it again and I will be fine. Like you don't need to sit there and lecture me and yell at me. I don't want to hear it.

[00:37:18] Amarii: Like that's not going to sit with me,

[00:37:20] Hector: Yeah, that's interesting. I had to be okay with the. anxiety, right? Like I was the person that would look for constant reassurance. And I remember, part of being in a relationship was just always having this text thread going, right? Always being texting and backing, that sort of thing.

[00:37:38] Hector: all of a sudden when that didn't happen, being okay with it, being able to manage my nervous system. Um, it's sort of those things. So, Amari, if people want to, get more connected with you, I found you on Instagram. I know you've got a YouTube channel. where is the best place for people to get

[00:37:53] Hector: connected or see more of your content?

[00:37:55] Amarii: I say any platform. I don't really post on Twitter like that, so I wouldn't say Twitter, but, TikTok is my most like successful platform. So you can find me on TikTok at Amari Usher, YouTube. Instagram, Facebook, all the same name. So

[00:38:08] Hector: Boom. And we'll link all that up in the show notes. my last question for you what is your definition of modern masculinity?

[00:38:13] Amarii: taking our relationships, just being someone that everybody can go to for anything, just being a person that's not a people pleaser, but you know, I can go to him about whatever, I'm not gonna say he has all the answers, but. He knows what he's doing. I can get advice from him. I can get, physical health from him.

[00:38:31] Amarii: I can get emotional, mental health from him. I feel like that's what's important nowadays. Women are emotional and we're more rational. I'm not taking away from you can't go to a woman. I'm not saying that at all. But as a man, we got to have some type of level head because people come to us about everything.

[00:38:47] Amarii: So having a level head and just knowing the right things to do so that not society, but the people around us, people that love us can trust us in whatever we're doing. Hopefully that explained it well.

[00:39:00] Hector: Yeah, totally. I've, likened it to, creating space, men can create space and hold space for other men in, ways that, you know, women can't and it's not nothing against them. It's not something they're equipped to do in a way that a man can do for another man.

[00:39:13] Hector: So

[00:39:13] Amarii: Mm hmm.

[00:39:14] Hector: appreciate you and all you fellows for being here with us today. if you got any value, which I'm, sure you did. If you stick around this long, we would love and be forever grateful for a rating or a view wherever you get your podcasts. And if you know a guy who needs to hear this or even.

[00:39:26] Hector: a woman who needs to hear this, hit that share button and send them the link. Let them know you were thinking about them, but it's always a pleasure to be with all of you. We'll see on the next one. Later fellas.