Why Men Reject the Love They Need Most with Andrew L. Anderson

Andrew [00:00:00] Pain is inevitable. suffering can be optional. And when we recognize that every controlling teacher and every bully on the playground. Is looking for some kind of certainty. They're looking for some identity. Then we realize it has nothing to do with me and therefore I will not take it personally. And I have chosen to forgive every person that ever has or will wrong me in the future before they ever do it, so that when it happens, I automatically forgive and I'm free from that suffering.

Speaker Welcome to the Modern Masculinity Podcast, where we delve into the depths of what it means to be a man in today's world, and we explore the real life challenges and triumphs that you and I face every single day. My name is Hector Sanya Steon, and I come with no answers, only [00:01:00] questions for some of the most wise, insightful, and grounded men that I know.

Speaker So get settled in. You're listening to modern masculinity.

Hector Andrew,

Hector welcome back to the Modern Masculinity Podcast. Thank you for being here, my friend and and brother.

Andrew For letting me feel more masculine today.

Hector You know, I started this show and we talked about it last time. Go back and listen to the first episode with Andrew, which came out, , late July of 2025. , And it's just so interesting to sort of see. The journey that I'm sure we've both been on over this year. Right. I think that like, everybody seems to be, at least a lot of people in life seem to be going through, these tests, right?

Hector Whether it's financial or physical or relationships or whatever it is. You know, there seems to be these, these breaking points. I'm curious, when you look back over the last year for you, , what sort of [00:02:00] stayed the same and, what's different?

Andrew Yeah. So, our 3-year-old is graduating from diapers. That's different. Our, , 18-year-old is graduating from high school. That's different. our 13-year-old still feels like everybody bullies him in our home. , He's a good sensitive little boy. , But for, for me in, in my life, it's been a great journey.

Andrew I've learned that I'm not building a business in a manner that anyone else can really even understand. just here to serve people. And if I open up my calendar and open up my heart, then God puts the right people in the right place, and then he takes care of my finances. And the more I do that, then the more people I help and the more money I make. So that's been a, a big shift for me in this past year.

Hector Sort of. Surrender, I would imagine. You know, I think, , you and I went on our own journey. We spent, , a number of hours together over this past week, and it's only [00:03:00] fitting that we're recording this today, and so we can share as much as you think is, right. I'm open to sharing and going wherever you'd like.

Hector And so, even if we need to turn this episode around and, and you be in the, the interviewer seat, I'm happy to give you, you know, that sort of reign. But, All that to say there's been a, , a culmination of things. So, I'll throw the question to you.

Hector A two days after an experience for you, I'm sort of getting speechless thinking about all the things that sort of happened. You know, how do I, encapsulate what we did into, you know, really into words, but.

Andrew Lemme help you. You gave me permission to take the mic.

Hector Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, what would, where would you like to go with it?

Andrew Well, a couple months ago you reached out and it's funny when people reach out and they're like, gasping for help, they don't ever say that, right? But you reach out and you're like, Hey, let's connect. Like, just super casual and I have no idea when people want to [00:04:00] connect, like what that's for. , Why did you reach out?

Hector I was going through old guests and I remember thinking like, who do I want to have a conversation with? Who do I wanna surround myself with? If there's one thing that I'm sort of learning about myself, it's that I. You know, I nerd out on, on human design and, you know, gene keys and things like that.

Hector And, and sort of one of the things that I've become aware of is that I really thrive by being in the midst of other people's sort of energy. You know, I, we can get into the, mechanisms or whatever, but it's like, you know, I really benefit from being around other people who are crushing it, who are. You know, doing their own thing and simply by, by connecting with them, it fuels me.

Hector And, and I often find that, you know, there's oftentimes where, you know, in this instance I think it was, it was very receptive for me. I, was received a lot out of it, but there's oftentimes, you know, in [00:05:00] those interactions, I can offer insights or. Observations or whatever it is. And so those things tend to be mutually beneficial.

Hector And, and if I can just hang out and connect with more cool people in life, you know, I feel like, more, better things are gonna happen. And, and it sort of led to all of these things, you know, I didn't know it at the time, but I've, tried to just lean into those inner callings, because it usually works out.

Andrew So you reach out, we get on a call and, , really quickly I start asking the questions that maybe no one else is asking and opening up the things that no one else can open up. And, and then I offered, right? I offered to, to help you not just by being a guest, but to, do the work that I do with people. What do you remember? What did you feel when I made that offer that. Created the desire for you to say yes.

Hector I think even before that, what went into that. Even that message [00:06:00] was like, I always, , appreciated how authentic you were. You know, it was actually, . One of the things that, that we talked about on our calls was like the twist eye. Not, you know, t not ts eye. We can go into sort of what that is, but one of the old mes would have been very turned off by your, what I would've seen as aggressiveness or, you know.

Hector Borderline confrontational, in your manner. Right. And what I've grown to appreciate is that, there's a lot of just it. What I think at the end of it's certainty, you know, I think at, at the root of it is where, you know, it comes from, I would, I'm sure maybe you might use a different sort of word, but I, I, I look and I appreciate that in people.

Hector And so when I see someone's unabashed certainty or their unabashed authenticity. I'm like, man, like, gimme some of that. Like, can I, you know, can I, can I like drape out your gr gown? Can I wave some, you know, palm some palm leaves for you to, rub [00:07:00] off on, on whatever that is, because. even to that, that sort of energy thing, that's always something that's, that I've had to look to and model or, it's had to be something that's intentional for me as opposed to, you know, something that came naturally and maybe that's what it is for everybody and they all have to go through that process.

Hector But I always sort of, looked up to people who were just willing to do what they wanted to do or say what they wanted to say without, you know, worrying about what other people thought about them.

Andrew Right. So I, I said I'm gonna, I'm gonna help you, I'm gonna help you , I made you an offer and we set a calendar date for Tuesday of this week. It's now Friday for our listeners. And we had scheduled two hours on Tuesday, and we had two and a half hours scheduled for Wednesday to do this deep breakthrough work using mental and emotional release and clearing out your baggage. , I open up Zoom for the appointed time on Tuesday. And a couple minutes go past and I send you a text and [00:08:00] 10 minutes go past and I called you and you didn't answer, and I said, call me. And you called me. And then what happened?

Hector I think what, what? The first thing is I had to be willing to receive something that I am. Not used to receiving. And that's been a big theme for me in this season of my life, is sort of allowing, allowing, and, and perhaps, perhaps one of the lessons, you know, we talk about some of the things that happened is some of these learnings that.

Hector That happened throughout our lives, and perhaps one of the lessons that I, I'm not even realizing until now, is that I was, pushing away so much of this love and so much of these blessings because. That was sort of my programming or my paradigm or, or whatever that, you know, my life was sort of brought to this place where I had nothing else to do.

Hector I [00:09:00] had no other thing to do, but to just receive and to allow, and there was no other sort of options really, God or the universe or whomever had sort of taken away all these options and just forced me to go. You know, I don't have the money that, that it deserves, right? I have like the price tag, you know, the retail price.

Hector Like I don't have all that. I don't, you know, all those sort of things. And to be willing to, you know, accept and receive all, all of that sort of stuff, I think is sort of a big lesson.

Andrew for the listener, just so everybody knows you, you stood me up, you didn't show up. You, you didn't say, Hey, I won't be there. Hey, you didn't decline with a note. I had four and a half hours on my calendar and you just, you didn't show up and I chased you down. And I called you and I said, listen, I can't replace this time with someone else, so I'm either gonna help you right now, regardless of what you can or can't pay me, or I'm going to just like, probably never talk to you again.

Andrew And [00:10:00] I said, do you wanna spend this time together? And when you talk about being willing to receive an offer of love and support with no strings attached, I just needed the listener to understand like that's what we're talking about here specifically, right? And maybe no one's ever done that for you before. And I said, thank goodness you said yes, because it's very likely that I would've just said I gave him his chance, right?

Hector I'm sure people have done it for me. I've just not, never been willing to allow it.

Andrew You've never received it. You were never humble enough to say it is worth it, not only to them, but it's worth it to me to receive the gift are so graciously handing to me.

Hector Yeah, that's a really good lesson that I'm, I'm sort of learning as I, .

Hector Thankfully, as life gets harder, I sort of find myself getting more [00:11:00] spiritual or like, turning more to that, which like thankfully it's that as opposed to. whatever other vice or, or whatever. , And, and so in, in trying to figure out like this, this concept of prosperity or this concept of, you know, giving or what is money?

Hector Like all these sort of things, and to understand it from really, you know, sort of a chorus, a spiritual level, so much of the equation, which I didn't realize right, is, is that it's a, it's a two-way thing. It's a giving and a receiving. It's a giving and allowing and that, that I turned away so much of that love and so much of that, you know, so much of those gifts before, because I thought that there was, there was no gift in it for them, you know?

Hector And I think that was so shortsighted for me, to not, realize that in giving there, there is receiving in that too.

Andrew Absolutely. Deepak Chopra in this little book I'm holding here called Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. The second of the seven is the Law of Giving, and he says, this law could also be called the Law of [00:12:00] Giving and receiving. Because the universe operates through dynamic exchange nothing static. He says that, the more you give, more you'll receive. so if that's true, then the less you receive, then the less you'll be able to give. And I think a lot of us have great desires to give and love and serve others. for you, in our breakthrough, we realized the reason it was so hard to receive was because, well, you tell like what was the huge aha that, we got to that the greater problem beneath everything else.

Hector For me, it's coming to be like a, like a worthiness is sort of when I reflect back on it, you know, am I

Andrew Yeah,

Hector worthy?

Andrew And that's how it is for most people. When someone's not able to receive gift of love, it's because deep down they don't believe they're worthy of it. And you referenced, there was a moment there earlier in this [00:13:00] call just minutes ago where you were talking about touching the garment or the palm.

Andrew And I was like, well this is, he's referring to Jesus in the Bible. And for a moment there, stopped you and then I didn't because you were paying me a compliment. You're saying you've done. Something for me that I have seen Jesus do for others. And as a Christian, that's my goal, is to be a disciple of him and do for others what he has done for me. And so I didn't stop you because I don't believe like that I, I'm not comparing myself to Christ, but I, I want to receive your gratitude rather than take that away from you or me. Most of us are this false sense of humility and modesty when in reality we're really saying is, I don't actually believe what you say is true, but I will politely thank you and tell you to stop all at the same time. [00:14:00] So we did this big breakthrough. We used this powerful process called mental emotional release therapy, rooted in neurolinguistic programmer, MLP, and we did the deep, deep change work an unconscious level on the neural pathways that are wiring, firing, and how they got there and why they were there.

Andrew And, here we are two days later. What's present for you, Hector?

Hector Think one of the things we had talked about was sort of this like visceral heaviness, right? That I sort of carry around and, and you know, the kids are the people that I spend the most time with. And so it's like they can't be impacted by that. And, , I remember that night, like it was Wednesday night and normally would've just been whatever, but before we went to bed, like we just, I don't know.

Hector I don't know what happened, but we turned on some music and it just turned into a dance party. And like, I mean. my kids started like bumping and grinding all over [00:15:00] me. So I had to like have like, Hey, hey, hey, like, let's back, you know, back up, you know, like, let's cool down. But it was just for a, you know, almost 10 minutes.

Hector It was just pure silliness. Right. And it was. I don't think that without what had happened, I would've allowed that sort of stuff. I just, you know, that, wouldn't have even been in the, in the realm of possibilities because, you know, I was in a different place and I think it sort of goes to.

Hector You know, the source code. I've, been nerding out in AI over the last little bit. And, and what's interesting is just like getting into that world, you realize that there's so many different layers to like a computer and a pc, and everybody sort of, kind of knows this, right? But there's like the surface layer, which we click around on, and I'm looking at you on the screen, but then there's the, you know, there's the code level.

Hector And what was really interesting is that as I was trying to like set stuff up or like get, you know, this AI thing going. I kept running into the same surface level issue, , because the code was broken. And no matter how many times I tried to [00:16:00] reload the, you know, the sur you know, the, the whatever, right?

Hector Like the, the three dimensional thing, no matter how many times I tried to do that, if the code was broken, it, it wasn't going to work. even if I tried to apply fixes that should have, should fix it, you know, and I think really what you did. we'll sort of go to that source level and, you know, fix, or, I don't know if that's the right word, but we, we went there and did the work as opposed to just trying to fix it at a superficial level.

Andrew Right. And when we do that work, at that extent, then we start to see things show up differently on the screen or in the application with your kids who are at that age six and seven years old, right? Where they are fully conscious, they're not out of this, the of brain wave pattern where they're, they're in this dreamlike state where innocent and you allowed yourself to be there with them too. And we all have a childlike wonder and a playfulness and an ability to create and to conquer and adventure and, and, and do [00:17:00] things with Just sheer fun, playful, passion and desire. And the dance party, I think is the greatest way to do that because when someone tells me that they, don't dance, I say, no.

Andrew What you don't do is put yourself in a vulnerable state to express yourself in a way that you don't care what anyone thinks about you. And that's all dancing is, that's expressing yourself and, just what you, what feels, you know, good or right, or fun or in the moment. And when we as adults are so concerned as to what we should or shouldn't be doing and how that will appear to everyone else, then we just stuff it. We stuff the dance, we stuff the play, we stuff the ideas, the businesses, the relationships, the offers from others to help us. And you got to have the first of many incredible experiences with your kids that you wouldn't have been able to have if you hadn't done the deep work.[00:18:00]

Hector I think, one of the, the things is sort of, Disability. Like, , I, I had said it over and over again when we were talking, it was like this, this ability to intellectualize a concept, like to understand something, you know, the book party or you read something or you watch a YouTube video and, and there is a, a mental sort of understanding but to, to really embody it or to, you know, rooted into ourselves, it's, it's different, right?

Hector There's, there's just, at least for me, and again, maybe it's not that for everybody, but I, I tend to hold in that space that, that top, that first spot, like really, you know, a lot. And, and I think the difference was is that. I, and again, I don't, I said it again on the thing, like it felt like magic, like I don't know what's happening, but like all of a sudden we were able to get to that embodiment part where even a, even that same day.

Hector My son had been having issues with, , like this, this bully at school or, you know, he may not even be the bully, but he's just getting picked on at school. He's having these issues and doesn't wanna [00:19:00] school, go to school. And the whole, you know, kind of not a standard thing, but like, you know, that the, the, the, the thing that a lot of kids go through when they're getting picked on by the same kid over and over, and that kid walks by us, , as we're, you know, doing pickup.

Hector And, I go, is that the kid? Like, are things getting better with him? And he's like, no, like it's getting worse. Like blah, blah, blah. And in another, the, the, the, the previous me, the, you know, twice me would have just let it go by or been like, oh, let's, you know, hope things work themselves out. But eventually, like, you know, my son went and got his little ice cream from the fundraiser that was going on, but I walked up to the dad and like had a conversation with the dad and, you know, at least, you know, put it on his radar.

Hector And I, again, I don't know how much the dad is, is gonna do, but, but the old me would've just sort of been too nervous, too afraid of confrontation to, to even, you know, address some of that stuff. But the, the, you know, after doing this, like, it just, it was, it was really, it was interesting, right? It, it was just an embodiment where there was there and there was no conflict.

Hector It was not like out of anger or spite, it was [00:20:00] just, you know, sort of doing what felt right and aligned. And, and I think that that's. Man, if so many, if, if guys can get to that place, right? Like there's so many opportunities throughout the day with our families and work and wherever it is to make those sort of decisions.

Hector Where, how, how different does our life look if we start to make those decisions as opposed to the ones you know, of the previous state.

Andrew Absolutely. And so your ability to receive an offer from me to help you do this deep work. Allowed you greater capacity to be a giver to your son, giving him something that he needed, which was some support and you know, the ability to stand up to and and have an adult conversation with a parent. And that is what you referred to earlier as the certainty. You said, I saw certainty in you, Andrew, and I recognized that I needed some of that. And when we know who we are. We can't [00:21:00] be anything other than that. And so for you to know that you are worthy of all the love in the world, then you're gonna go and certainly provide the same for your son. So you'll continue to see these things happen, not only for your kids, but for everyone that you feel like you've been called to serve and support in in your life.

Hector The things that I think is probably worth talking about. And, and we've talked a bit, , on this show, but I think it makes a lot of sense to, to get into it from your perspective because you also, you know. You went over some different reasons and modalities, why, why these things work. But we weren't really talking about things that, you know, I've talked to ad nauseum about my divorce and the demise of my marriage and, you know, the kids and the struggles there, but we didn't, we didn't really focus on, you know, challenges that have surfaced in my adult life.

Hector It was really sort of [00:22:00] going back to the root of that, you know, and going back to the beginning, Can you give some context to, for, for guys who, who, who that's a concept on, on why that's a modality or why that's your modality of choice as opposed to, you know, some of the other things which sort of start at the other end.

Andrew Yeah, one of my great, mentors and coaches in my life, his name is Ron Petski, and Ron has a quote where he says that for every thousand that are hacking at the leaves and branches of change, there is one striking at the roots of transformation. Most coaches will say, Hey, what do you want? I'll help you get that, and we'll make the changes to, make that, you know happen.

Andrew And most of those changes are around habits and behaviors and strategies and, all of that stuff, but. If we are treating those problems or symptoms without [00:23:00] how they got there in the first place, then just like pulling a weed at the ground level without getting the root, it's gonna grow back. Right. And this is why I think a lot of people have such a hard time with coaches and self-help books because yeah, they give the answer, but we all know the answer. Everybody knows the answer. The real question that nobody can seem to answer is, why doesn't it work for me? Why can't I figure it out? Am I that broken?

Andrew Am I that messed up? Am I like? And so they either stop believing in the stuff, the coaching, the counseling, the books, the religion, whatever it might be, or they stop believing in themselves. So for you and me and every other person that I get to work with, for us to get to the root cause. What did you decide to be true as a child? What beliefs were formed creating 95 [00:24:00] to 99% of your personal reality or personality been with you ever since then? And why did you believe that to be true in the first place? What was it doing for you? 'cause your unconscious mind makes decisions out of survival and protection. And so if you can recognize that that decision and belief may have protected you in the moment, but it, it was a very childish decision, and, and you don't need that anymore, then we can put away, as Paul said in the New Testament, childish things, we can become a man instead of thinking like a child.

Andrew We can, like he said, we can think like a man. But it requires deep, deep work using powerful cognitive principles of transformation, not just slapping on habits that are atomic so that you can pretend that you're somebody else, even though it doesn't feel like you are. 'cause deep down, you're still the same person, even though outwardly you're getting that everyone seems to really be impressed by.[00:25:00]

Hector You know, I love me a good conspiracy theory and it's just funny when you think when someone searches think like a man that the movie with Kevin Hart, you know, the Kevin Hart movie is sort of what comes up. And so it's, , it's a great movie, but I don't know if it's, , indicative of, of where we want the human race to go.

Hector for, for people who sort of think that like. I think there's less of it, but there's still this idea that NLP or you know.

Hector All the things that come along with that sort of bucket. I mean, I think just, just starting there. Right. And hypnosis is sort of next to it. And tan, you know, tangentially there. I think, , I think his name is os is how you say it, but the, the mentalist, he's right now coming under fire, you know, in the public for being, you know, just not of.

Hector Nod of, of the most integrity. And so I think that there's this notion out there or there's this, , this belief out there that sort of [00:26:00] prevents guys from even getting on the, you know, the operation table. And that's, that was sort of an analogy that we used a lot over the, over the next, over the, you know, time that we spent together.

Hector But. Is that even a, a, a conversation that you think is worth addressing of, you know, the, the modalities and, and some of the misconceptions perhaps that people have, or, , are those people just too far gone and, and you sort of, you know, wait for them to come around if they ever.

Andrew That's, that's funny. I'm scratching my head here and I'm thinking, what am what am I, why am I scratching my head? 'cause there's something I wanna say that I'm trying not to say. I'm gonna just say it. We played a win. I don't play not to lose, and we don't play. I mean, defense is only essential if you're not scoring on offense. And if you're scoring on offense, then yeah, you play good [00:27:00] defense. But if you can stop them one out of 10 times, think about like a shootout. Okay? If you can stop 'em one out of five times and you score every, every time, then you win. You don't have to have the best defense. 'cause if you're scoring every single time for playing offense or playing to win. So here's what this has to do with what you just brought up. , I don't, I don't have to defend what I do. I don't have to. Try to persuade someone in NLP or mental and emotion release or in, you know, the divine, like, I don't have to prove that Jesus said it best by their fruits, you shall know them. only way to know if that's an apple tree is to pick up the damn apple and bite into it. You're gonna know right away. You look at the life of Hector, you ask them what's different. You look at the 800 other people in the last 12 years that I've coached, and you just buy their fruits. You just, we, I just play to win. And so I don't feel like I ever have to defend anything that I do. not from a place of egotism, just it's certainty. [00:28:00] I have a hundred percent faith that what you and I did together is gonna last. And I feel that way about every person I get to help. And if someone wants to be a skeptic and that person wrong. That only hurts them, It doesn't change your experience or might commit into the work. So when someone is hurting enough where they will receive whatever gift you can give them, whatever life preserving technique. Or they're humble enough 'cause they're either hurting enough or humble enough. 'cause we can choose to be humble or be compelled to be humble. So they're either hurting enough, they'll do whatever it takes, or they're humble enough they'll do whatever it takes then. And only then do all of those walls of skepticism come down. And then we, as you know, as a coach, a practitioner, there's no defense. We just do the work. We play offense, play to win.

Hector Yeah, it seems like discernment is becoming such a huge and necessary [00:29:00] skill in this world, and I, I have this challenge because I. One of my guilty pleasures, right? It is just like info sping the world because I just, I love seeing what, what cool new things are happening and there's so much out there, but also with that comes, you know, all of the craziness, right?

Hector Just because it, right now the, the sorting mechanisms are aren't great, right? The social algorithms are just, they're, it's all mixed in there. And so what, what you're sort of talking about is, is sort of. Starting and drawing from a place of inward knowing as opposed to what, what so many people's default, which is external validation, which is going and looking at what do other people think about this?

Hector And let me, let me base my values, my beliefs, my thoughts on what they're gonna believe and think and do as opposed to what? What I think. You probably, you know, just over index when, when God was [00:30:00] throwing in like certainty into your, you know, bucket. He just like dropped the whole, you know, he dropped the whole salt, , bucket in there.

Hector Because that's not people's norm, right? I mean, so many people are looking to, , social media for that validation of, is this an okay thing to believe? And I, I know that because I, I see myself doing that. I'm like, let me go to the comments here and see what. See what the masses are saying about it, and then I'll get a consensus and then I will draw my own, all my sort of thing, which is, you know, dangerous in its own right.

Hector But I think, you know, if I can get to a place where I just look inward a hundred percent of the time, that that's probably a better place to be.

Andrew Well, always I asked you, I think this question, when we were doing your release work the other day, I how do you know you're a male? You. You look inward, you don't look outward. You don't look for someone's [00:31:00] definition to validate what it means to you to be a man. You literally look inward. Do I have the parts and pieces for me? That define what my gender is, you know, and this is a big debate, and if there's people that hate what I'm saying right now, that's fine. But for you, it's, you don't have to have anybody define or tell you what it means to be male or man, because your inward parts are indicative. And so we, we have this crazy. Lustful never fulfilled desire of approval when in reality every single child that is born into this world knows who they are. And if their parents don't who they are, the parents don't know who the parents are, then it becomes really confusing and that child loses their identity. And this has been going on since forever. Right? And so for you to come up and have this conscious experience to see yourself as you are seen, you [00:32:00] now give your children permission to see themselves as they're seen and to be who they were meant to be. And you are breaking generational. We, we talk about generational trauma all the time, but it's generational programming and habits and beliefs and that your, your kids don't have to go through that anymore. They now have a model of a father who knows exactly who he is, and he's willing to dance. Just don't bump up and grind on me too much.

Hector Yeah, he just, I step on my feet.

Andrew Yeah.

Hector You know, , one of the, the other things that, that sort of emerges from from this is that when we do this sort of work. It, like you said, it allows the people around us, it gives them permission to be able to, you know, to unlock it for themselves. And I think what that, at some point in our calls, we, we went into that Maryanne Williamson quote, but, but that is such a, it's such a powerful one.

Hector And, and you [00:33:00] know, your, your highlighting of the fact that it's, it's our, our shining that allows other people to be able to, you know, shine for themselves and. And so I think that in this, in some weird way, we think that it's selfish for us to do this work or spend the time doing it or whatever it, you know, whatever sort of investment, whether that's time or money or, or, or what, what have you not realizing that, it's actually the, the most, perhaps the most selfless thing that we can do, , because of what it does for our family or our kids, or, you know, the people that we come into contact with.

Andrew Absolutely. Do you know anyone that you're close to that has bad breath? , I do. I have a member of my family, very bad breath, and I can't think of anything other than the breath when I'm around that person. So brushing my own teeth and flossing and going to the dentist and having good oral hygiene, it's not a selfish thing.

Andrew In fact, it allows other people to be themselves without having to [00:34:00] be so stuck on my. Problems and challenges. So to do self work, like self hygiene for your mouth, is one of the greatest things that you can do. 'cause now other people can be themselves without having to worry about your stinky breath and your and your whatever. So when I show up at my best, as Maryanne Williamson said, let our own light shine. We give other people permission to do the same is we are liberated from our own fears. She continues our presence, automatically liberates others, and that's what the world needs. Liberation, presence, faith, lack of fear, light shining, modern masculinity. We need men to be men.

Hector Yeah, I know so many and it's interesting to see, to be on the other side of it as a parent, but, and, and to try and [00:35:00] prevent my kids' light from being, you know, dampened and, and sort of. You know, there's, there's been instances where someone has said something, or even like yesterday we were at the open house and, you know, for my kids, and my son was really excited to show me something on his Chromebook.

Hector I don't know what it, what it was. And I'm like, all right dude. Like, we'll, we'll get to it. And he waited and he was patient and like eventually we walked over and he grabbed the Chromebook and he was getting ready to show me. And, and one of the teachers was just like, no, Chromebooks, I told you. And she was just like.

Hector You know, there was no, there was no ifs, ands, or buts. And to see his, like, his light just turn off, you know? 'cause it's like he wasn't. It wasn't gonna be playing game. Like there was, there was no, no. Like it was, that was the point of the night was for them to show their parents all the cool things that they're doing at school.

Hector So, you know, those types of moments. Right. And, and that's, you know, maybe a microcosm, maybe, whatever, [00:36:00] but, but there are instances where that have an impression. Right. And, and I think that's sort of what we, what we were kind of undoing was undoing those moments, you know, way back when, you know, and you used sort of the,

Hector Analogy or the metaphor of like a, you know, a, a, a. A necklace of, of pearls. Right. Or sort of, you know, that was the, the image that I had Right. That was sort of strung together over our lifetime. And they sort of all started, you know, back because some, some cty, you know, teacher didn't wanna let you know, you show your dad, , you know, something on the Chromebook.

Hector but they do have an impact. And I, I think that like, to your point, I, it, they, they persist in the, how they show up in our. Lives, you know, continues to show up and have impacts unless we go back and deal the work to deal with it.

Andrew Absolutely. And what, , was that your son that was having that experience?

Hector Yeah.

Andrew What your son doesn't know and what you can go back and talk to him [00:37:00] about is, Hey, do you think that teacher was being so whatever, was being so controlling in that moment? And as you teach your children find compassion and reasons for why other people are hurting and want to hurt or control others. Then it allows them to no longer take things personally. But most of us didn't have parents that could do that. And maybe in that moment you didn't even wanna have that conversation, then you forgot about it until right now. But you can go back and you can help him recognize that everyone's hurting and hurting people if we're not careful, can hurt us. And controlling people can control us, but we have no reason to ever be hurt when we know who we are. And we have no reason to ever be controlled when we are fully liberated. And so as you did that with this kid's dad, and as you do this with the teacher and you talk to your son about the teacher, then [00:38:00] he's gonna realize like, man, dad's got some things figured out, and he'll have a model for himself within. Con, you know, con, con, contentious conflict and all those kinds of things. So your kids are lucky to have you, Hector.

Hector Yeah.

Hector It's mutual, but I, I do think that we are, we are great for each other. one of the things that also emerged over the, our time together was this concept of like, , I think you used David Goggins book, you know, , title, like Can't, can't Hurt Me, I think is the name. And you have some really unique just perspectives and experiences on, on sort of being in my head, I, I, I have the word of like in invincible or I think we, we talked about the word impregnable.

Andrew Yeah.

Hector like, share, I'd love for you to share with the guys, , and maybe gals who are listening, your, your perspective on and mindset on that [00:39:00] and, and why you feel, you know, that, that things can't hurt you or why you are sort of, you know, this, this, you, you're able to embody this invincibility, if you will.

Andrew I'm not able to, I mean, I teach it, I'm doing my best. But I think we all have that capacity within us. And you know, the greatest example of this are the Nelson Mandela's, the Victor Frankls, the Mother Teresa's, the Gandhis, and ultimately Jesus. Here he is on the cross going throughsome of the most extreme pain you could ever go through. And yes, he's physically hurting. But he says of his last seven recorded statements in the Bible, he says, in regards to these Roman soldiers, father, forgive them for they know not what they do. Yeah, you can hurt me physically. Pain is inevitable. And yet for him, that mental or emotional suffering of why would they do this to me, that suffering can be [00:40:00] optional. And when we recognize that every Roman soldier and every controlling teacher and every bully on the playground. Is looking for some kind of certainty. They're looking for some identity. Then we realize it has nothing to do with me and therefore I will not take it personally. And I have chosen to forgive every person that ever has or will wrong me in the future before they ever do it, so that when it happens, I automatically forgive and I'm free from that suffering. My wife loves this and hates this about me I'll automatically apologize and ask for her forgiveness and I'll let things go and she'll say, I'm not ready to forgive you yet. And, I tell my kids, like, I want you to know two things about me. Number one, I am the most imperfect father you'll ever have. And number two, I [00:41:00] will own those imperfections and do everything in my power to make them right. So when we have that certainty as to our own gifts of imperfection, as Brene Brown calls 'em our own vulnerabilities, then we are impregnable, we are, invincible from others viewpoints and thoughts and feelings and hurt and harm, and all of the things that they are projecting onto us. So I can be compassionate and loving and understanding, and I can feel bad for them without owning it and taking it upon myself and letting it hurt.

Hector Yeah, I just think that this, this work is so, , important for, for men and women. I mean, I don't think there's an, especially, I think it's for everybody.

Andrew I do it for, it's 50 50 in the, you know, 12 years, 800 people. It's, it's right down the middle. It's just as many women as it is men.

Hector And [00:42:00] I, I am comforted and encouraged that more guys are waking up to this and that it's not, you know. It's not just gay shit like, like, you know, would've been of mindsets of the past. if nothing else, because I think guys are practical. I know for me it's like, I don't care. Like I don't care how weird things are.

Hector It's like if they work, like I, I haven't come around on drinking my pee yet, but I can't like. I've had to like, talk myself out of it for sure. I've had to like walk, walk back off of that ledge. It's just like, if it works and it's effective, like give it to me, you know? Is it safe? Okay, great. Like, you know, which is why the whole P thing, I'm not, I'm not totally certain.

Hector But I have some friends who are, are quite certain, , we'll call 'em acquaintances, we'll call 'em loose acquaintances. Andrew, as we wrap at it and get outta here, I've got two questions for you. , The first is [00:43:00] for guys, and gals, as you said, , who wanna get more connected with you, , find out about what you're up to, maybe have one of these breakthrough experiences.

Hector Where's the best place for people to go?

Andrew Yeah, it's not Instagram, it's not Facebook. , You can find me on LinkedIn, but , my website is the best place. Andrew L. Anderson, that's ON at the end, so andrew l anderson.com or they can reach out to you and you can make a text intro. My cell phone is public and I will gladly take a call or a text from anyone anytime.

Hector Goodness, don't tell the bots that, they're out there. But, , we will link all that stuff up for you guys, , in the show notes. And, last question for you, Andrew. Maybe it's the same, maybe it's different, but, in your opinion, what is the definition of modern masculinity?

Andrew Love. [00:44:00]