The Illusion of Having It All: When Ego Masks Emptiness

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellows, what's going on? I hope this episode finds you well and hope this episode leaves you better than when it found you. And today's episode is technically with Matt Gil Huley. Uh, he's been on the show before, but the. Subject of the interview is me. I actually had him bring him on. I had him come on because I wanted him to interview me specifically about my journey, uh, my relationships, my marriage, divorce, and, and some of the lessons that have come out from that.

[00:01:08] Hector: And I. Spoken in bits and pieces about it, but I'm working on a book and I wanted to get this on, on transcript so that way I could start to flesh out some of these stories and, and really lessons that have emerged from, man, what, what really was an accelerated version of life, right? It all happened in sort of less than 10 years, but.

[00:01:36] Hector: It seemed like a lot of life happened and uh, I wanted to document it in hopes of frankly being able to move on and being able to move forward in a way that I can honor this time and, um, and move forward. So, enough of me, y'all, this is me and Matt.

[00:02:01] Matt: All right, let's get started. I think it's, you know, it's weird to talk to someone that I kind of know, and I kind of know some of your story, but I think that there's so much value in having someone like yourself kind of dig deeper into certain parts of your story. So I think it's gonna be an interesting journey, I should say that.

[00:02:20] Matt: And I think that maybe I might ask some questions from my own curiosity that will. Probably maybe touch on points that are a little revealing for myself. So hopefully it helps you reveal things about your past. So I don't know where you wanna start your story,

[00:02:36] Matt: because I think it's

[00:02:37] Hector: well, that's exactly why I wanted to have you on though, was because I think, I've shared for those listeners, I've shared bits and pieces of my story, but, never in a cohesive sort of way. And I thought, who better to help me and be there to support me along the way than you who has done it, you know, 200 some odd times.

[00:02:56] Hector: So, any case, you know, where do we start? I think at least for this episode, it's probably important to start, you know, before, all this happens, right? I think like my story is like the classic, love story sort of gone wrong. and I will say that, I only have my perspective and that's all I'm, here to share is, you know, my experience.

[00:03:19] Hector: And obviously there is 8 billion other perspectives on this. , And obviously, you know, another perspective that, you know, was very much a part of, these experiences and so all that to say that, but, I remember, you know, for me it, it started. I guess it was 2015 ish. And, I had just come off of my best, professional year.

[00:03:43] Hector: I was working for a sales company that, that year, and we had a, a, a national championship and I have a, you know, I got this, I'm standing on stage getting this big silver trophy and saying that, you know, I'm the, best out there, you know, a lot of ego and there was a lot of, I mean, a ton of ego, but I knew that I wasn't like, looking back, I wasn't like happy.

[00:04:01] Hector: I wasn't really sort of fulfilled. And so I had checked the sort of money success box and was just kind of hoping that a relationship would come along. I had been in and out of relationships for most of my life with some, you know, some periods here where I, really focused on work, but otherwise it was like.

[00:04:23] Hector: the time I was in sixth grade, it was like you know, long-term relationship that ended, let me, I need to find somebody else. and sort of the journey I went on was, realizing that like I was looking for this other person. My ex and I had, we'd worked for the same company and had sort of met for a couple of times and, timing wasn't right. She was with someone else at the time. And then, you know, we reconnected on, social media and, you know, I think it was like a, Saturday we, like, were messaging.

[00:04:51] Hector: And by Monday night, you know, we had, our first date and it was just, everything moved so quickly. And for me it, like, what it felt though was like, oh, I'm being chosen. You know, someone, someone wants me. And, that's sort of how it began.

[00:05:07] Matt: It kicked off your fairytale, but I feel like we're starting in the middle because I feel like a lot of people can relate to this chasing success thing, which is so intertwined with, I think, chasing approval or love from someone else, whether that's a romantic partner, whether that's friendships, whether that's parents, whether that's anything like that.

[00:05:28] Matt: So growing up, was this something that was in your psyche of like, I have to be excellent at something? Did you need the approval of other people like looking back on that?

[00:05:39] Hector: Yeah, I mean they definitely, growing up in a, a large Mexican family who showered me with a lot of love. And I think what's underneath a lot of that though is there's a lot of expectations. There's a lot of judgment, everyone has an opinion on everything.

[00:05:55] Hector: And unless you are, you know, I wasn't the kid who was bulworth enough to be able to be stubborn or to go against the grain. I. So I was like, if this is what I've gotta do to get love, sure I will. I'll get good grades. I'll play the sports. I'll check all the boxes, you know, go to school, get the degree, get the good job.

[00:06:18] Hector: it seemed like, okay, the next box that I needed to check in this sort of fairytale, you know, kind of path that you mentioned, was like, okay, then now I need to start a family. Now I need to, you know, find my, my wife. Like now it's time to settle down. Like, all that sort of programming, you know, as I look back on it was so, I didn't think there was another way, like I didn't see outside of that box

[00:06:42] Matt: Do you think that it was given it to you or do you

[00:06:44] Matt: think you absorbed it just like

[00:06:46] Hector: I just absorbed it, right. My parents they're still together going on, like for, I think they just had their 40th year anniversary. You know, I saw my grandparents, my grandpa, you know, he passed away while he was still with my grandma.

[00:06:57] Hector: And I, I actually wasn't aware that they had, separated and kind of gone through their struggles. But to me, I just saw these examples of like, oh, you stick it out. I did 16 years of Catholic school, so it was like, marriage is

[00:07:09] Hector: forever. Like, you're gonna need an annulment if this, like, even if you get a divorce, the church doesn't like all that programming.

[00:07:17] Hector: And so when I think about relationships, it was always like trying to fit this person into the box and almost like I. Whether or not they actually fit into it. I was like, you're going to fit in, like I'm gonna fit you into here. I'm gonna force you into there. And,

[00:07:36] Matt: Well, you have blinders. I think a lot of people, when you have these expectations, I think you will ignore certain things if they, even though you know they don't really fit in your, like in maybe in your heart there are certain things that don't work, but you're like, but I have all the other things.

[00:07:51] Matt: Right? I have eight of the 10. They're gonna fit in this particular box. I think I can relate in the sense of chasing whatever the next box, whatever that might be. and before we jump into the relationship piece, I'm wondering if those boxes brought you the satisfaction that you expected them to, whether that was getting the promotion, getting good grades, like did that bring it or were you just chasing the next high?

[00:08:17] Hector: the short answer is like, at the end of it, I looked up and I was completely unfulfilled, you know, spending money on stupid stuff, you know, alcohol experience, I didn't even like to drink, but I would just go and, try and spend money, pay for other people's parties to feel something, you know, else, right.

[00:08:37] Hector: To have this sense of fulfillment or wholeness. And, that was at the end of that, road. and that being said, though, like for whomever is listening to this, right? Like, I can't discount also the support and the structure. And so there's always some value and benefit from these experiences.

[00:08:54] Hector: And that's also been a big lesson even throughout this whole experience has been like, I don't regret stuff, you know, like things needed to go the way they needed to go so that I could go through the things I needed to go through so that I can learn and become, you know, like all that, sort of thing.

[00:09:10] Matt: mean, if we look at 20, 25 version of you, if you didn't do all the things that you've done, you wouldn't be this version. You know? you can't really look back with regret. There's just certain bumps that we all face that whatever,

[00:09:22] Hector: You know, getting the good grades, going to, the school that I thought would make them happy, like all that served, had, and had value, there was value in there and I was trying to find my way amidst this and it sort of, you know, you need like a dark night of the soul sometimes to really wake you up and force you to reckon with the things that you haven't wanted to reckon with.

[00:09:44] Matt: Well, you know, I think that that's probably super common and finding like this period, when you, when you were having success at work and whatnot, and then you find, I. This woman that you had met before and then you decide to go on this date, it's like this is the next opportunity for you to show everyone how much they should love you and how much this check mark is gonna mean to everyone else in your life, including yourself.

[00:10:08] Matt: I'm sure you felt that as well, that joy, but how does it fit? Or do you, looking back now, do you see it as maybe I was pretending it fit or both?

[00:10:18] Hector: Yeah, I did not have my own character built enough. I didn't know who I was in order enough to, to go on that,

[00:10:28] Hector: path, So when all of this, the relationship begins when I'm 25?, So I have all this quote unquote success and material success.

[00:10:36] Hector: And before the age of 24, you know, I probably netted, or excuse me, not netted , but grossed, probably close to a million dollars in like. business income and it's like 10 99 personal income, so it's not all mine. I had a lot, a ton of business expenses and then a ton of stupid expenses.

[00:10:54] Hector: So I had, almost nothing to show for that. In fact, when I left that company, I had about $7,000 in savings, which I was going to kind of, my moat. and that felt like a significant amount of the time, but looking back on it, it's like, how can you let that much slip through your hands?

[00:11:12] Hector: But all that to say that my ego was so inflated and my concept of reality was so. I was so delusional about what, reality was, and I was single. I was, you know, I had just moved back in with my parents, because, you know, I was living with some roommates and it didn't work out and my parents had an extra room and, you know, it was like close to my office.

[00:11:37] Hector: And, and the whole, this was like, I didn't realize how good I had it at the time. Right.

[00:11:42] Matt: Yeah, but you were young

[00:11:43] Hector: yeah, super, super young

[00:11:45] Matt: and

[00:11:45] Matt: the external validation from work and all these things, I think naturally will inflate most people's egos, especially in the time period too. Like I don't think we were as in tune with ourselves at that age and at that time period. So I mean, there is some forgiveness there that you were just being hoisted up by everyone around you.

[00:12:05] Matt: Your family loved you, showing you that they loved you, and then your company loved you because giving you awards and promotions and stuff.

[00:12:13] Hector: Yeah, I'm glad you said I said that. And I think that that's all also what I, sort of followed was like, where's the support? I knew at, well, at least early on, like doing things that were not gonna be supported. Like it seemed too hard. Right? And that's something that I had to develop later on and that like, through this I was able to develop.

[00:12:31] Hector: But otherwise, I go into it thinking I knew everything, right? That, oh, I'm gonna leave this company where, you know, I'm making. Multiple six figures and, you know, I'm gonna go out and get into this new business and, start it, and then everything's gonna be just like it was in the last one, and we're gonna pick up right where we left off.

[00:12:50] Hector: And it's like, you know, took a little while to get, even get close. But, that's the mindset that I was in. And then I have this extremely gorgeous, you know, attractive girl, woman, who's all into me. and of course like why wouldn't, you know, why wouldn't she be either?

[00:13:08] Hector: When you're making that much money and you have that many resources and

[00:13:11] Hector: it's like a, you know.

[00:13:12] Matt: and when you're you.

[00:13:14] Hector: Wow. I'm glad you say that. I appreciate that. and so everything started to like fall into place and like. about a month into the relationship, we go to Europe together for a week, with the company that I was with.

[00:13:23] Hector: But it was a, vacation trip and, it was a fairy tale and it was like, three or four months after that trip, we're moving in together, we're getting an apartment together. It's like, oh, great. She's, moving an hour, you know, moving counties to come up and live, you know, where I, my office was, she's moving her, her job.

[00:13:43] Hector: She comes up and finds just some job that she hated, and it's like, I'm so oblivious to all this in the moment, you know, I'm just like, oh, I have this, everything's perfect. all green lights when on the side, it's like, actually there's like all these red flags,

[00:13:58] Matt: Well, on the surface it's a lot of check marks. It's a lot of check marks to security. It's like, okay, I'm securing this next mile marker in my life of

[00:14:06] Matt: finding the marriage. Right? Like, vacation's good. Okay. We're one step closer to like the ultimate goal

[00:14:13] Hector: I literally came outta that occasion thinking like, oh, we should move in together.

[00:14:16] Matt: Yeah. Well, I get it.

[00:14:18] Matt: I mean, when someone shows that affection to you, it's hard not to get lost in it, I think. I think it's hard not to do that. Do you feel, looking back, that you were being yourself fully, because that's important. Like were you puffing out your chest more like to meet a certain standard that you think she had of you?

[00:14:36] Matt: Or do you think you were totally authentically you?

[00:14:39] Hector: no, actually, , what was interesting about it was that I was able to finally be me and I think at the time, you know, I think it was genuine.

[00:14:48] Hector: Like it's hard, to look back and, you know, when things have gone so sour and things have gone so differently and people's feelings have changed so much to like remember those times. But when I talk to friends and I talk to other people, they're like, no. Like that was real for, however long it was.

[00:15:03] Hector: And so that's also what I realized though, is that to your point about validation, all of this love bombing right, is kind of what it was, right? Like, you know, whether it was conscious or unconscious, but like all of that was validating. And it was something that I, I had been seeking since I was a kid.

[00:15:22] Hector: and I love my mom. She's great, but she's like not very affectionate and neither is my dad. And I'm like, you know, my primary love language is physical touch. And so it's like I'm just out here in the world, like looking for like, who will touch me? You know, like, who will, who will see me?

[00:15:40] Hector: And, when that came around, it was hard to not, you know, sort of fall into

[00:15:46] Hector: that groove.

[00:15:47] Matt: Did it feel different than previous relationships in the way that, that you felt the love or was it

[00:15:54] Matt: similar,

[00:15:55] Hector: it was different in the way that this is the first time that she was attractive, like. I would say that most guys, the lowest they might ever rate her when we got together was like a 9.2.

[00:16:10] Hector: the problem was, is that there's so much, extra validation in some weird way.

[00:16:16] Hector: know, in my previous relationships I always had a, a real affection and attraction to them. But this was the first time where,

[00:16:23] Matt: you were validated by other people's thoughts about her

[00:16:26] Matt: too, in some way.

[00:16:28] Hector: yeah.

[00:16:29] Matt: Just like an extra confidence. Like, Hey, look. Look who loves me,

[00:16:33] Matt: everyone.

[00:16:34] Hector: it kind of goes back to this machismo sort of thing, which I think you and I have sort of talked about, but I've shared it on the show in the sense of like the, let's just make it to like really simple terms, the highest value man in sort of a, Mexican, Latin community has the best looking girl.

[00:16:51] Hector: ? And so therefore it was like, oh, I got that girl that checks the box that makes me the man. And so obvious of a sudden you fast forward and you take that away.

[00:17:00] Hector: It's like, well, are you the man? You know, like that sort of thing. But that box was being checked and, and did I, like, externally boast? You know about it? No, but I think, I felt, more validated, right.

[00:17:14] Hector: That she was, you know,

[00:17:18] Matt: I think that's probably a common feeling, like I feel if we think, like, did you, I guess the question really is, when you were. Pursuing her and she was pursuing you. Did you feel that she was aligned or do you feel like she was like out of your normal lane or, because I think sometimes we're like, oh, that person's like outta my league. Was she still in it?

[00:17:39] Hector: Yeah, it's an interesting thing where even today I look at like, you know, my standards or like how I get back into the dating world, and it's such, and it's like it was the first time where it was like, in resonance where my image of myself underneath, who I at my core really felt and believed.

[00:17:58] Hector: I, I was all of a sudden was validated on the other side in equal by this person's sort of attractiveness. Right? So, it was the first time that it was, it felt in resonance as opposed to the other times were much more out of fear or.

[00:18:17] Matt: Being alone.

[00:18:19] Hector: Yeah. and no, it didn't feel like that, at the beginning.

[00:18:22] Matt: Well, I mean, I think it's something that a lot of people would understand if it did, but also a lot of people would understand if it didn't. I think there, you clarified how she kind of validated the way you felt inside and, gave you some worthiness to something that, and then have other people see.

[00:18:39] Matt: That also gives you that external validation, which you were chasing in other ways throughout your entire life anyway, so, I mean, that part makes sense why you would lean hard into it and wanna kind of. As fast as you were moving in the moment, did you feel like you were moving fast or did everything just feel like it was kind of

[00:18:56] Hector: Yeah. It just kept lining up and I, was really into, you know, a meditation practice, much less of a spiritual practice at this time, but a much more, you know, mindful. I had a, a very big mindfulness practice at this time, and I remember sitting in a meditation asking like, is she the one?

[00:19:15] Hector: And hearing like a clear, very clear resonate of actually, I remember asking if, we should get married and like have the kid because we fast forward a little bit. But like, that was part of it. It was like, should I do this? Like, is this, something worth committing to?

[00:19:28] Hector: And all of the answers that I got were like, yes. And a resounding yes. And, If I were to perhaps ask a different question, I might have received a different answer because in the moment it was not like, is this going to work out? You know, like, that's not what I was asking.

[00:19:43] Hector: It was like, very much, should I do this right now and keep doing this right now? and everything in that regard was like, yes, this is the right place to be. And I do think so, and I do think it was, and it was like there's no, there was no mistakes here. Like, I make mistakes, like for sure tons of mistakes that I made.

[00:20:00] Hector: But, it was not a mistake, to go down this experience.

[00:20:04] Matt: It was right at the time and it was what you needed at the time. And it was probably, if we're, I mean, if we're being honest, probably what she needed at the time as well, you know, like I think that we come into each other's lives at, the right place. It doesn't always end up where we're in the same place together, you know, years later.

[00:20:22] Matt: And, but that doesn't, like, to your point, it doesn't make it a mistake. I mean, look at all the things you got from this beyond, you know, your children, but. Who you became despite all of this,

[00:20:35] Hector: I've been listening recently to like, channels, like people who channel, like this one was particularly like the Archangel Michael, you know, one of the messages in there was essentially that people are playing the roles in which we need them to play in order for us to evolve into sort of who we're we're supposed to become.

[00:20:53] Matt: . . When you kind of moved forward through that, did it feel like a fairytale or was it that the story you were telling yourself?

[00:21:02] Hector: It was probably like me telling myself, 'cause I think like, things were, the fairytales going on in my head much longer than it was in her head for sure.

[00:21:10] Matt: Okay, so for you the fairytale was. Through moving in together, getting married kids, like how far through this journey were you really feeling the fairytale?

[00:21:23] Hector: well, I think one key point is to like, okay, so we move in together and there's a number of, of things that, just events that happen, I. She gets assaulted. Well, you know, it's just like for me though, like reinforce this commitment, right? And like, I'm here. to me it goes all in. If, I'm looking back on it, it might be like, oh, these are sort of like red flags. And not that you would abandon somebody because they get assaulted by their ex, but at a certain point, like when you add up all of the things, you go, how could you not see this coming this was like a train coming down the track. Not like, you know, A-A-U-F-O that appeared out of nowhere. Like you, there were clear signs that. This needed to be handled in a way that just like, it wasn't just a, a fairytale, you know, happily ever after, just write it off, you know, kumbaya sort of thing.

[00:22:18] Hector: Or like, this is not gonna be your typical standard, engagement of what I think that, you know, marriage and a relationship is.

[00:22:26] Hector: I didn't see it at the time, but I enjoyed providing that. Like, oh, I'm the good guy.

[00:22:32] Hector: I'm not the abuser, I'm not the abusive one. you know. like, that gave me a sense of purpose, which I don't know, that's another interesting thing to sort of play around. But we moved in together and, we went on a trip, it was another work trip, but she had come along, because she had helped with the business at the time.

[00:22:49] Hector: And, essentially we found out on that trip that she was pregnant and she in a way that was probably not, healthy. She sort of came to me and, told me that you know, that she was having a kid and she had her own challenges with. Growing up and, I'll go just as far as saying that, like there was not a, a stable father figure in her life, like, ever.

[00:23:15] Hector: And not to obviously hurt any of her. Like it wasn't her fault that that was the case, but that definitely impacted a lot of things that I just didn't account for. Right. That I, I wasn't privy to. But in any case, there was sort of this, I don't know if it was an ultimatum, 'cause I don't, like for me there was no other choice, but it was like, she's like, we need to get married.

[00:23:38] Hector: if we're gonna have a kid like we need to get married or what she had said at that time was, she doesn't want her kid to grow up, you know, going through what she had gone through. And so for me, I'm just like, yeah, no brainer.

[00:23:50] Hector: Like next checkbox here it is. Oh well. Exactly. That's exactly what it was. And so I was like, for me, I'm not running away from that responsibility, you know, like I always saw myself as a father anyways.

[00:24:03] Hector: I thought it was gonna be much, much later, but I'm like, if it's here, it's here. You know, I have a lot of family members and friends that I was 24 at the time, 25, which is, you know. I had friends and family members that had kids at 18, so they did that route. So it's like, for me, I'm like, if it's here, it's here, and if it means committing to you and getting married to you, I'm like, no brainer.

[00:24:24] Hector: Like, yeah, done and done. We went and bought a ring that night and again, like another, like red flag that for me, I'm seeing a green light and just being like, oh, here we go.

[00:24:35] Matt: Yeah, but hindsight's 2020. I mean, I feel like we could pick apart our lives and determine like, oh yeah, I could have seen that coming. But in the moment, everything was following your plan. You were feeling loved, you were able to kind of move down the line of what will deem you a success as a human, right?

[00:24:53] Matt: Like I feel like whatever you absorb, that you get married, okay, kid's coming, I guess there's probably a house involved. There's probably, you know, like all the things that come along with it. So taking away what we know now, it's hard to see those red flags. 'cause they're probably not very red at the time.

[00:25:10] Matt: They're red now if you look at it.

[00:25:13] Hector: You're just going so fast,

[00:25:15] Matt: Right. But also everything that you needed was being checked at the time. No.

[00:25:21] Hector: Yeah.

[00:25:21] Matt: was there any part of you that was like, Hmm, maybe this is not the right person. This is not the right path. So it's what you needed at the time. There's no other choice that you had essentially.

[00:25:32] Hector: Yeah, I think we're, very much at this point, very much still in things are, are great. You know, we ended up moving in 2019, no, 2018, right before, we had my son and we moved down, we moved county back to where she was from and, little less expensive, a little better for kids. And, and once again, like on the path, we kind of went from a, low income, apartment or like, you know, whatever basic apartment to like, all right, now we're in the luxury, you know, apartment and like, everything once again felt like it was progressing.

[00:26:06] Hector: We had the, the Disney passes, like we were going to Disney twice a week. And it just like, again, felt so fairytale at this point. as that's happening, a ton of health challenges that she has, especially through the pregnancy. Which is her own journey, but all throughout that though, you know, my son and I got a ton of time together.

[00:26:29] Hector: Their mom was in the hospital the last month plus maybe five, six-ish weeks of, my daughter's pregnancy. she didn't leave the hospital for I think two months or something like that. And it's me and my son at home and he is colicky, so he doesn't, fall asleep very easily and the only thing that he would fall asleep to is Christian rock music and,

[00:27:00] Hector: My point in bringing it up is like, I'm so grateful looking back on it that A, I got that time and b, that those were the messages that I was sort of getting. 'cause it was during this time that, you know, I didn't know, it was the first time I ever wrestled with being a single dad because there were days, I remember fell asleep and my phone had. Died and I didn't charge it. And I woke up to a few text messages that, you know, you kinda get 'em all, all at once. And it was like, hey, I'm not feeling well. And then the next one was something to the effect of like, Hey, I just coded, but everything's fine now.

[00:27:40] Hector: she had died for just, it was the first time I started to really wrestle with like, what is, would this look like if I was just me? And I look back on that and I don't know if that, implanted anything or that put anything into the universe, you know, but it was like, I remember distinctly thinking like, what would you do?

[00:27:57] Hector: , And I'm grateful that my brain has enough, you know, or that my spirit or whatever has enough resilience where I sort of found the answers. I came to some, conclusions, some answers. I was like, you would get through this. Like, but it was the first time that I, truly sort of wrestled with being like a, a single dad.

[00:28:15] Matt: And you kind of were, I mean, if we're gonna be honest, like at the time, if she's in the hospital that whole time you're at home with a young child as doing everything right. So you actually had a taste of it. Was it scary? Was it something you were afraid of that happening or was there some weird part of you that was like, I could handle this?

[00:28:33] Hector: at the time I remember thinking, I cannot handle this. I'm not cut out for this. 'cause my dad again, love him to death. But he was not like he was there, but like not an engaged parent. And so. Let alone doing bath time, changing diapers, whatever, all that sort of stuff.

[00:28:56] Hector: and I think my son was like eight months at the time, so it's like, he's not even sitting. He is like barely sitting up at the, you know, like right around there. no, there were so many moments where I broke and I was just, like I'd have to put him down and go, like, scream and just cry in another room because I just I didn't have it at that time.

[00:29:16] Hector: I didn't have the capacity, I didn't have the skillset, have the support.

[00:29:22] Matt: Was that a true statement? Like he stayed alive like you were doing all the right things. Right. Was that just like a self-doubt moment or do you really think you could not it

[00:29:32] Hector: I mean, we got through it. I mean, I guess it did, wasn't pretty.

[00:29:35] Matt: right?

[00:29:36] Hector: And

[00:29:37] Matt: that because everything else you were successful at in life, and here we are in this one thing that seems to be the sticking point, You were confident moving through the world, getting all the promotions and doing all the cool things, and finding the pretty girl, but this is the one thing that kind of, oh, maybe I can't do it all.

[00:29:55] Hector: I had some wrong beliefs in the sense of like,

[00:29:59] Hector: I didn't think that I had it in me because I had never seen someone like me do it.

[00:30:05] Matt: Right?

[00:30:05] Hector: I was gonna be like the present engaged dad, but like, I wasn't gonna be cooking and cleaning and I wasn't gonna be doing everything that was not in the fairytale.

[00:30:14] Matt: yeah.

[00:30:15] Matt: that's a condition of the fairytales that we're, we grew up with.

[00:30:19] Hector: yeah, for sure. I saw my dad and he came, you know, he worked and he came home and kicked his feet up and my mom literally would sweep under his feet and he would, you know, lift his feet up as she swept under his feet. And, she would cook dinner every, night. And so I saw that and I was like, that looks great.

[00:30:37] Hector: And I don't mind cooking and I don't mind, you know, that sort of stuff. Thought I'd do it a little bit.

[00:30:42] Matt: Yeah, but this was the first time you thought, oh crap, this actually could happen.

[00:30:47] Hector: yeah, I'm also of the, believer that like.

[00:30:50] Hector: A father and a mother are different. They provide different things. as much as I like even now when with my kids, like as much as I can provide and love them, there is something different that they get from their mom. There's that one person that's in a unique place to be able to offer that.

[00:31:10] Hector: and I was really worried about, that. at that point I was, concerned about her not being around. And so it's like, how do I surround them with love? How do I give them a motherly, affection that like, I struggle to give myself, I never got.

[00:31:23] Hector: So like,

[00:31:23] Matt: Yeah. Plus, I mean, I guess at the time you're also still in love with your wife who's having medical issues while carrying your daughter, so I think that. Compounds

[00:31:35] Hector: yeah,

[00:31:36] Matt: trauma that, we inflict upon ourselves.

[00:31:39] Hector: I guess it's not surprising that I found God during that time.

[00:31:43] Matt: I think a lot of people would relate to that. I think when you're forced into a corner where everything feels like you gotta reach for something.

[00:31:52] Hector: it was one of the few times where like I was used to, like you said, used to being so in control, used to knowing what to do or how to do it, or having the playbook or the manual and, and like, and getting things, from the start and just being like naturally good at a lot of stuff.

[00:32:09] Hector: And here this comes and it's like, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. And, it's because it's a, it's like a different sort of hard in that it's not like a doing hard, it's like a being hard, it's not hard to, to do those things. It's hard to be, whilst those things are, are going, to be who you are in the midst of those things.

[00:32:30] Hector: and also I've, found that it's. what has allowed me to your point, to become this person that, that I am today. Because you know, I, I joke that like I was the Charmander version and I don't know if I'm the charr yet, but like, I was a, 1.0 back then

[00:32:43] Matt: you were also existing in a fairytale that you had created, so there was this role you were playing as well. I think that we naturally kind of absorb that and we, people need to see us a certain way, so we're also kind of lean into that. And in the fact that you're like phase two.

[00:32:59] Matt: Now play a role that you didn't have the picture for, right? Because you didn't have the picture of you being a single father and doing all these things. I think it can be naturally scary because it feels so uncomfortable because it's, you haven't planned for it. Whereas before, all the things you planned for were probably kinda shaking out in a similar way to what you maybe envisioned, and these are all assumptions, but I could see

[00:33:23] Matt: how that would be really meld.

[00:33:27] Hector: Yeah. It was the first time where I really had to sort of think about, who I was. and if you were to take all of, you know, when I had to wrestle with losing all of these things, it's like, if that were to happen, who would you be? I think kinda sent me on, this quest and, thankfully my daughter, she's amazing.

[00:33:45] Hector: I mean, she's, one of my greatest joys. when I need to find gratitude and like find that feeling and that vibration and that frequency, she's the person I go to. And so everybody's healthy and then Covid hits,

[00:34:00] Matt: but first she came home with your daughter and did that solve everything for you? Were you in the mental space of like, they're home now. Everything is back in its right place

[00:34:09] Hector: Kinda, their mom was, right when she got home, was diagnosed with breast cancer and, I believe lupus. And so the health challenges, I mean, they still go on for it. She still sort of has some challenges, but like it wasn't all solved,

[00:34:26] Matt: Okay. But did you feel more complete now that, your family unit was all together, now you

[00:34:32] Hector: for sure. 'cause we got through COVID and you know, found a way through that. and I think we were such an, in a mindset of like, let's raise these kids.

[00:34:41] Hector: ' cause to her credit, she was, she was engaged and in it, and breastfeeding and, she was in it. and for the first couple years she was a really dedicated mom. And, so covid happened. We get through that and then we move again and we get into this, you know, sort of house.

[00:34:57] Hector: And once again, it's like, now I'm in the house. Now I'm in the house. It's the nice, neighborhood. It's the HOA, there's, parks on every corner. There's, community pools. It's like the streets are lined with like trees. You drive down. And then I remember one of the first times we moved in, I was taking an Uber in and the guy was like, man, this place looks like, paradise or something down here. Like, 'cause it just, it looks like your classic quaint American like neighborhood,

[00:35:27] Hector: you

[00:35:27] Hector: know? And it's,

[00:35:28] Matt: perfect.

[00:35:29] Hector: it's a bigger house and, kids are going to school around. It's like, once again, everything's sort of storybook to this point.

[00:35:36] Matt: do you think that. I know a lot of people do this when they have kids. Is it the parent? You become, you're more of a parent and less of a partner. Did you feel that there was a, an imbalance there? Do you feel like you were both rightfully so living for your kids, or do you think there was still that element of the fairytale relationship happening in tandem?

[00:35:55] Hector: Yeah, I would probably move to more of, being, parents, but it wasn't as, I mean it was still, we were still connected and intimate and like it was still there was no signs that there were any issues at

[00:36:08] Hector: this

[00:36:08] Matt: it.

[00:36:09] Hector: , I looked at it and I was like, wow, like we actually are coming outta this much stronger and a much better place.

[00:36:13] Hector: And, I end up getting a, job with like a large podcast network. And so, you know, things are humming along and, all throughout this though, she has, a number of miscarriages and, a number of those sorts of things. And

[00:36:30] Matt: Traumatic health related things.

[00:36:33] Hector: It was just, that was traumatic for her for sure. And, also really challenging because the doctors were telling her like, Hey, you can't be getting pregnant anymore. the last time she almost died, they're like, you can't, you can't be doing this.

[00:36:47] Hector: And me, at the time, I'm looking for validation and I'm looking for, my own anxious attachments are starting to go off because right around these times. She's starting to travel more the kids. And so we're just spending less time together. And my anxious, anxious attachment, which I didn't really know what it was at the time, but it's just starting to fire off.

[00:37:11] Hector: And so I'm seeking all this extra validation primarily through like sex and through like physical intimacy. 'cause I'm like, if we, you know, if we're intimate physically, then I'm validated Right. I was equating sort of the two. And obviously she's traveling and she has these health issues and so all this to say. I sort of make the decision that I'm gonna get a vasectomy because I'm like, if you gotta stop getting pregnant, I didn't realize it at the time.

[00:37:39] Hector: This is not what I articulated. but if I still need all this validation and I don't want our, intimacy lives to change, like, then this is what I'm gonna do. And looking back on it, that was, for sure a mistake. you know, in the regards of the context of this timeline, because that was one of the things that sort of created the cracks.

[00:37:57] Hector: So that was like one of the cracks, you know, in the sense that she wasn't done having kids, I guess, and still wants to have kids. And for me, my boxes are checked. I'm like, we've got the two kids. We've got the thing, like, we're good, we're done. that's not how she felt. and also at the same time, I ended up losing that job, with the network.

[00:38:17] Hector: And so I had some, other sort of side income, but about 70% of my income got slashed. And all of this happens while she's, her career is sort of starting to take off and she's found a job that she really likes and she's, you know, enjoying. And so, you know, she had her own sort of challenges with postpartum, depression and, and things and, and really was trying to find herself during this period.

[00:38:41] Hector: And so I'm like, all right, sure. Like this is sounds great for you. Like, you go find, Your career and work on yourself and great, I'll be with the kids. It's like, it's 2023 at the time. I'm like, who cares if I you know, Mr. Mom? Like whatever. And that started to build a lot of resentment, you know, and naturally I'm, coming at it from a different perspective where I'm like, oh, it's 50 50 and, you know, everybody is whatever.

[00:39:06] Hector: And I think it just put a lot of pressure on her, frankly, to have to support, the family. And, and just even this, week, I realized like, man, no wonder she sort of was looking elsewhere. Like, that is a ton of pressure. And for me to just sort of, even though she wanted it, or at least she said that she wanted it, like for me to give that to her was not doing my role as a, provider.

[00:39:31] Hector: You know, I was not protecting her either from that sort of thing because she was just stress naturally. So, that was where the things started to crack.

[00:39:39] Matt: Was there open communication in those situations?

[00:39:42] Hector: were challenged with communication. I was conflict averse. She was someone who, liked conflict, in my head I'm like, it's not worth the fight.

[00:39:54] Matt: Yeah. I think you're also solution oriented too. So I think you you always. Kind of want to drive towards a, a logical solution, at least logical to you.

[00:40:05] Hector: I was definitely the fixer, you know, and tried to be the fixer for a while.

[00:40:08] Matt: I mean, I think

[00:40:09] Matt: your perception and your feeling of being a white knight was based on how you were race and what you absorbed growing up. And her perception of that same exact experience is probably related to the familial things that she had growing up. And the, probably the feeling that she wanted to have more kids because whatever that thing was that she held onto growing up, and then the lack of communication seems like if she had, did she say, no, don't do that.

[00:40:37] Matt: I don't think we should ever do that. So she held that in, you held your decision tight because you thought you were doing, I mean, it all makes sense. I don't know that. I think it's somewhere in between the, someone living a completely different reality and someone being a total liar. I think it's just our realities are going to naturally be different because we've had x amount of years before where we've absorbed things in, in, in different ways.

[00:40:59] Matt: It's like wearing, what do they say? Rose colored glasses. Like I feel like some people have those naturally because of the experiences that they've lived through. it's not because they're seeing something totally different, but to me, from an outsider's perspective, it's like, I do wonder if you had talked about it, does that crack exist anymore or was, were all the other cracks kind of coming together at that point anyway?

[00:41:21] Hector: Yeah, I don't know. I do look at that as like a where a timeline sort of shifted, you know, and that was a, a break and, and all I can be grateful for is that it has, you know, sent me on sort of this, path and this of evolution and, expanded my. experience set of life so drastically. and I go back to that time a lot though, you know, and I wonder like, what if you did it differently here?

[00:41:46] Hector: And I tried to like, replay, perhaps it's my own way of making myself feel better.

[00:41:51] Hector: But I'm, hoping that some sort of deeper wisdom is that, things happened as they were supposed to, and things needed to happen, that they needed to happen. And to, to sit there and, pretend, you know, playing a game that we needed to end. Like here is where we need it to be.

[00:42:08] Hector: So for you to kind of. Get fixated on that particular moment is sort of like you're getting caught up in the trees and missing the forest

[00:42:17] Matt: it's a reflection point. I think it's a point in which it's your life shift in a way. It's your moment in which things started to get different. Did it get, I. Progressively worse, or did it stay just

[00:42:27] Hector: yeah. There were multiple times where I was like, well, at least it can't get any worse than this. And then being like maybe a week or two later going, I, can't believe it's this bad. Like it's worse.

[00:42:39] Matt: I mean, I don't know if you need to divulge all the secrets, but like what made it worse?

[00:42:43] Hector: Well for me it was, this anxious attachment and my abandonment wound sort of flaring up, right? And this, worthiness, because she was traveling a lot and so there were, you know, she would leave for the weekend. And I remember there was one time where she was heading out and I was just sitting there bawling on the floor, like uncontrollably, like just uncontrollable bawling.

[00:43:06] Hector: And this would happen early on in our relationship even when she'd like, get up and, and, you know, in the middle of the night and go home to beat traffic early or whatever. and, and my, I would just have this physiological response of like, someone leaving I've done some inner work on it and, and maybe there's some generational stuff there.

[00:43:22] Hector: But, all that to say that it was a, like I couldn't deal with that, like us being apart physically and then us being distant in our relationship. And all these sort of, oh, she's gonna cheat on me, or she gonna like, all these sorts of things, you know, stories that I start to create in my head, which were always there when I look back at 'em.

[00:43:45] Hector: Like, I remember being in high school and being like, oh, you know, my girlfriend goes to this party. She's gonna like, you know, meet some guy, or like, whatever. And so, I, I look back and it was like, it's sort of irrational in that regard. Well, it's completely irrational, but, I wasn't able to come back from that.

[00:44:00] Hector: And it was, gross from, like, it was, she was very unattracted to it naturally. Like it was making it worse and I would make it worse and worse. Worse. And then I had like some really bad sleep deprivation and I started talking in my sleep and being an asshole in my sleep and all the things that I sort of wouldn't share.

[00:44:20] Hector: I. To her while I was conscious, started coming up while I was sleeping. And that made it worse, you know? 'cause we would repair and we'd make some progress, and then I'd go to bed. And I remember laying at night just like saying, please don't be an asshole. Please don't be an asshole. I would literally pray to myself like, please don't be an asshole.

[00:44:40] Hector: don't say anything. that tended to, have the opposite effect.

[00:44:45] Hector: she would just have this stone, you know, face look and, be like, what happened? She's like, you don't remember? Like, no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

[00:44:52] Matt: I mean when you tell that story, part of me just thinks like your subconscious was screaming because you wouldn't let it out in certain things. 'cause you were so attached to this dream that you grew up. Dreaming of your future like and being pounded into your head in Catholic school of like marriage is the end all, be all like that is forever.

[00:45:18] Matt: So I'm sure that played a role of like, I have to, hold on. There's no other option

[00:45:23] Hector: Right.

[00:45:24] Matt: Your core, I probably, deep down you knew deep stuff was hitting the fan. You knew that you weren't, ha were you happy? I guess that's a question. Did you feel happy?

[00:45:35] Hector: No, and what ended up happening throughout this is that I, perhaps, thankfully, was that like I completely lost myself.

[00:45:44] Matt: How so?

[00:45:45] Hector: I remember telling a good buddy of mine when all this was happening was like. You know, if I'm gonna get back in the dating game, I don't know what value I have to offer to a woman.

[00:45:54] Matt: Hmm.

[00:45:55] Hector: but it was a serious question at the most logical, pragmatic like level of like, what do I bring to another person because I don't know anymore.

[00:46:06] Hector: I thought it was all these things. It seems that either, that I'm not actually providing those or those things are not actually needed. And so I really had to like, wrestle with, if you were to strip away the pretty girl, if you were to strip away the kids, if you were to strip away the house, the car, like away all of the boxes.

[00:46:30] Hector: Who am I? I didn't know at like before that. like, you know, where I'm the one crying and thankfully he's like, you know, allowing me to, you're holding the space. But he's like, you've gotta answer that for yourself, dude.

[00:46:43] Hector: and like I really took that to heart and was like, okay. I don't know what that is, but I'm gonna go seek and look for that. And that's what sort of the last, I guess maybe year and a half has been, has been about first seeking who that has been and then, you know, layering on, because a really another pivotal point where.

[00:47:02] Hector: we're having a, text exchange and she's in the bedroom and I'm sitting on the stairs and we're like maybe 15 feet apart, like physically maybe less. But we feel literally miles, miles apart. I remember actually laying on the bed sometimes, and I knew that she was, two or three feet from me.

[00:47:23] Hector: But when I closed my eyes and like, felt her, she was so distant. She was so gone. And we were having this text exchange and I don't really remember what we were talking about before, but she says, I don't know if you're man enough to be with me. And I remember she had also said that this is like the second time she had said that. and one of the times, or another exchange, we had a, she actually, I remember saying, she said in person, and I asked her, I said, look what? What do you mean by that?

[00:47:53] Matt: Hmm.

[00:47:54] Hector: What does that even mean? And she didn't have an answer in the moment,

[00:47:57] Matt: yeah. Well, and it sounds like there was a lot entwined in like her perception of you, like a lot of your worth was wrapped up in how she perceived you. True.

[00:48:08] Hector: that and perhaps even how others perceived me because of her. Right. It was like,

[00:48:14] Matt: Through her story.

[00:48:15] Hector: yeah, but it was, once again, it's back to that like pretty girl thing. It's like, I'm better because I have a pretty wife and, that interestingly was like something really hard to shake.

[00:48:27] Matt: I mean, naturally, so you invested your entire life and being in these years to making this what it was supposed to be. Right. And so there's a lot of energy there. But I also think, that it hurts me a little bit if you did absorb this idea that you're not man enough.

[00:48:50] Matt: Perhaps you were not man enough for whatever this other person's perception of a man should be, but like you are a fully valid human. Sure. Did you have things that maybe you could work on and improve in your life? Probably. Can we all? I think so, but I think we get so wrapped up in this like, so and so feels that I am not this, therefore I'm not worthy.

[00:49:16] Matt: Which is so the opposite of true. love that it triggered you to kind of move into finding out who you were on your own terms, but at the same point, I hope there's not a lot of extra that stays behind thinking, well, I just wasn't at the time, you were at the time, you just weren't. What this picture that this other person had of you in their idyllic bubble was going to be.

[00:49:43] Hector: Yeah, and I think a big part of that was like, at the beginning of this process, it was like, oh, I need to change. I need to become somebody else. I need to, be a better golfer. I need to shoot guns more. I need to like country music. Like all these things that I thought that if I did,

[00:49:59] Hector: she would like me, you know, she would fall back in love with me and

[00:50:03] Hector: it's just, it's so silly because that's so gross.

[00:50:06] Matt: it's safety. though.

[00:50:07] Hector: it's gross. from an honest perspective,

[00:50:11] Matt: you were

[00:50:11] Matt: changing yourself for someone else,

[00:50:13] Hector: yeah. And that I think is gross.

[00:50:16] Matt: right, but you knew no better because life did not condition you in the way to know better.

[00:50:22] Hector: And I realized that that was not working. It was like, all right, well I'm done being who you want me to be. If, trying who to be who you wanted me to be, and even that's not gonna work.

[00:50:33] Hector: Well fuck it. I'm just gonna be me. And like, let me just actually be me instead of being who I thought I should be instead of being this people pleaser, this Mr. Nice guy. This, those two things summed it up. I was a people pleasing Mr. Nice guy, and who lived by the happy wife, happy life sort of mantra.

[00:50:53] Hector: Because that's all I'd heard growing up. And the challenge is, if you have miserable husband, everybody's gonna be alone. You know, like happy wife, happy life, like, that's cool, but at the expense of a miserable husband, it's like, no, it's not sustainable.

[00:51:10] Hector: And I think a lot of guys missed that out. I know. I missed that, that if I didn't pour into myself and give into me, then there would be no way I could put up buy it or protect anything, you know, around me.

[00:51:20] Matt: Yeah. Well, I mean, your generation, my generation, I think we were taught that we weren't supposed to have emotions necessarily, or like we weren't a priority in a lot of ways. And so we pour into other people and we do the things that we expected. I mean, in a not even related way, losing my mom turned me into someone afraid of abandonment.

[00:51:45] Matt: So. I just assumed that I had to be perfect or my dad was gonna leave. You know? So as a kid, I get it. Like I just, everything I did from age eight to like 30 was so that my dad would be proud of me and not like no longer become a parent of me. When logically if I thought about it, he would never have even considered that.

[00:52:05] Matt: but we create these narratives in our head and then they just snowball. So when you get to be 30, you're like, shit. who am I at this point? So, to equate it back to you, if you're not that for her, you're not anything for you, like who are you? Are you a shell? Is that a good thing? Is that something that you can start fresh?

[00:52:25] Matt: Is that like, what did that look like for you? Because I know that's been a journey. I feel like the last time we talked like this, you were at the peak of trying to find new you.

[00:52:36] Hector: it was a lot of experiment, not experimenting and maybe so not in like the traditional sense, but like a lot of trial and error. And I think that that was a big hesitation for me was like, I don't, I don't like to waste time on stuff And so having to figure out, like there were days early on when we were sort of splitting time with the kids when I was like, what am I gonna do for myself?

[00:53:00] Hector: And I just started doing the dishes and I was like. Hector, what are you doing? Like this is, you're doing the dish, like you need to do something for you. And all you can think about is like, is this messy house? And for sure the house and the, like, that, that became a part of it. But it was like, it was just out of this fear response, just, clean.

[00:53:19] Hector: As opposed to, 'cause I didn't know anything else, you know? I didn't know what I actually enjoyed doing. And so, you know, for me, I, I found jiujitsu or refound it and, you know, started lifting weights and I think a big part of it had to, I had to allow myself to. Spend time on me and to realize that that was worth spending time on, because for the last four years, it was like I either gave to the two kids or the time that I didn't have, I was trying to support my ex.

[00:53:49] Hector: And so it was like me, it was like, I'll kind of get to it. And I started working out and started doing some stuff, but like, not in the way that I need, like I'm especially fragile. I'm like a, European sports car. I need a lot of maintenance in order to, you know, maintain my, my performance.

[00:54:07] Hector: and that's something that I had to learn I felt weird about enjoying going to the sauna or to the spa or get, you know, like those types of things. It's like, it's not manly, it's not whatever. It's not. But,

[00:54:19] Hector: I just had to go, you know, I had to figure those things out.

[00:54:21] Hector: I had to burn out. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I burned out just because I couldn't get my, like schedule correct. You know, I have the kids, Thursdays through Sundays ish. And so Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I was kind of off from dad duties, and I remember early on I would just, like, I worked out like three times in a day, or I did like two juujitsu classes in a, a lifting session and my body just broke down.

[00:54:46] Hector: Like, I couldn't get out of bed. A couple days later I would get sick. It was just, it was all these sort of trial and air trying to figure out like, what is the right thing for me. And, you know, I'm, I guess, relatively young. I'm only 33, but it was really the first time that I had ever sort of like, thought about it.

[00:55:04] Matt: Yeah, no. And in that journey, were you allowing yourself to not be good at something because it feels like the earlier version of you, like had to know you were gonna be successful at it.

[00:55:14] Hector: Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. You know, so I started taking salsa classes knowing that like, I was gonna be bad or like it was gonna be starting over to your point, I had to allow myself to do things that I was not comfortable with. I had to allow myself to go and experience things and remove my expectations of it. Having to be perfect, understanding that, like, if it's not like, okay, well then you're not gonna do it again.

[00:55:37] Hector: And that's, cool. That's okay. and it's been a lot of that. And then a lot of just doubling down on what I do know does work, even when I'm not feeling it, you know? So it's like the depression sort of, there are days, like, it used to be like weeks at a time, where I just did not feel it.

[00:55:55] Hector: Now it's like there's a day or two here where I feel a little funky. But generally, Those physiological things. Right. So a lot of breath work. You know, I've been doing, Qigong and, you know, even some tapping, like I'll try anything. I'm like, you got a modality?

[00:56:09] Hector: I'm like, I'll try it out. I'll see what, what works. Because, I'm just, I didn't taste for so long. I just wanted it to be the, you know, the one thing that now I'm, sort of in a tasting mindset

[00:56:21] Matt: Do you feel like more of a whole full human. Or getting closer.

[00:56:26] Hector: mostly. Yeah. I dip into that. And there are times, I mean, our situation's a little interesting because we do something called, nesting or bird nesting is, is like the full term. And that's essentially where the kids stay at home and they stay in one place and usually the parents will switch out. We don't do that because I pay all the rent here and early on, and all the bills and utilities and such.

[00:56:51] Hector: And early on I was leaving and it just felt so weird leaving. And so I'm here, I stay here. And then, she comes in on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and she will stay with the kids, here and it's just, it's a challenging situation because, you know, just to catch up. another guy entered the story and I told her sort of as this was going on, like, Hey, if you're gonna start seeing other people, let me know.

[00:57:19] Hector: Let's have a conversation about it so that we can prep the kids like you're still living here at the house. Like, I was of the mindset that like, we're still trying to fix things and like if you pull the plug and are completely done, like, and you're seeing like please have a conversation with me.

[00:57:33] Hector: And so I told her that in a variety of ways and she was like, yeah, I understand. I'll let you know when I start dating. I'm like, okay, fine. I find out a couple of ways. Like there was one weekend where I found out two different ways. I saw some text messages and then some people ended up reaching out to me and sort of confirming and, saying that there was this other guy and yada yada.

[00:57:53] Hector: And it was devastating. I guess I still had hopes that we would, you know, make it back together, you know, back to your sort of Catholic mindset. I'm like, I'm in it. Like I'm, committed. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm not out there, looking around dating other people or, you know, trying. And so, to have that happen was just so soul crushing.

[00:58:13] Hector: 'cause she was still living at home at the time. she said that night, she's like, Hey, I'm just gonna be staying at this other place. so it was like, it was the penultimate sort of lying and betrayal sort of thing. At least that's what it felt like. And so having to go through that and then still seeing her every week, you know, when I wake up it's like I gotta walk past her and like, you know, there was a, a moment a few weeks ago where I was in the kitchen making coffee and she's sitting at the, kitchen table, you know, doing her work or whatever.

[00:58:46] Hector: And it was just so weird. It was just like, I laughed I was feeling good and I was in a, good, place mentally, and I was just like, oh, how far we've come, right? It's just like that, I think it's that hangover sort of meme where like, you know, you, you never think that we would be at this place, right?

[00:59:02] Hector: you know, a lot of people ask, well, why would you do that? And that sort of stuff. And, what I've been trying to provide the kids with through this has been stability and some sort of consistency.

[00:59:10] Matt: now's the time where you're building your own fairytale. Like you're not absorbing the fairytale that was fed to you. But now you're like, okay, now's my opportunity to like write my own story.

[00:59:21] Matt: Like, you're mad libbing your life right now instead of choosing your own adventure book. Like you're creating it instead of trying to fall through some outline that society gave us when we were born.

[00:59:34] Hector: mm-hmm.

[00:59:35] Matt: do you feel like you're on this path, that you can conquer anything now?

[00:59:39] Matt: 'cause you went through that?

[00:59:40] Hector: I do. I'm wary of saying that 'cause I'm like just. leave my kids alone.

[00:59:45] Hector: and also I'm like, I remember joking to a friend of like being like, you could, when things were like bad, bad of being like, you could show me like the devil himself, and I would just be like, Hmm.

[00:59:55] Hector: because at least it felt everything was taken away. And at least in my story and my version, like it was, and everything was ripped away. I was forced to start fresh and brand new

[01:00:06] Matt: You had like this one night you were empty and now you gotta fill, you have to fill it up. You're not gonna be happy if other people are filling into that until you kind of fill up

[01:00:15] Matt: your soul. it's a terrible way to learn this about ourselves, but I think your 73-year-old version of yourself looking back is probably like, well, I'm glad it happened when it did, because now look at what else I get to do?

[01:00:30] Hector: Right.

[01:00:31] Matt: Or I hope as being, being woo woo again. Who knows what life's gonna give us?

[01:00:36] Matt: I think as unfortunate, as your experience was and the, goodness of where you are now, I don't think your story is so wildly different than so many other people out there. Like, I feel like so many people have experienced the things you do and it feels when you're, experiencing it, like you're the only one.

[01:00:54] Matt: I'm

[01:00:54] Matt: sure you've met people that

[01:00:55] Matt: have done the same thing.

[01:00:56] Hector: . in learning about, you know, refining God and refining more than that, like refining my, my spirituality more than religion, you know, I started to go down these, you look up your astrology and things like human design or jean keys or all this sort of stuff that I used to think that if you could tell something based on your birthday, I'm like, that's bullshit.

[01:01:16] Hector: what is a fucking, you know, what is that? And. This experience sort of set me down the path of being like, I don't, if you guys have been doing it for thousands of years, who am I to say that I know better? So like, let me see. And one of the things that emerged was as you kind of go down these sort of holes is, according to, you know, one, system called human design, I have the archetype of the martyr, which is, you know, someone who is the first person to go and they sort of suffer so that the people behind them you know, can flourish essentially.

[01:01:52] Hector: Right? And what was just interesting is, as I was kind of going through it, my last name is Sania Esteban, and St stands for St. Stephen, or it doesn't stand for, but it means St. Stephen in Spanish. And St. Stephen is the first martyr of the church. And you know, he was the first person to be crucified. And so it's just this weird thing that I don't know, could be a total coincidence, could be whatever, but at least it makes me feel better. It gives me some credence in the sense of I'm going through these things for a purpose and for a reason, and that my challenges and whatever you call them, strife, these things are not in vain because they can serve others and they can sort of light and guide a path so that others don't have to suffer in the same sort of way.

[01:02:42] Hector: and that's given me a lot of credence because it's like, oh, that makes sense why you would start a show like this, or, that makes sense why you would kind of go down this path or do these sorts of things. And so. What's nice about this is that like finding myself has been more about like a remembering of who I am and being like, oh yeah, that is sort of always what I've wanted to do and allowed myself to do it.

[01:03:07] Matt: Yeah. It's about finding permission for yourself

[01:03:10] Matt: to just be, be in the moment to just be like, you're human. You got all these years. Do whatever the hell you want.

[01:03:18] Hector: Alright.

[01:03:18] Matt: If it doesn't hurt other people, I think you were a good human, and I think you're turning it into an even more impressive human.

[01:03:24] Matt: So honored too. your story in this way.

[01:03:28] Hector: Yeah, I appreciate you being here to, to share it with

[01:03:31] Matt: Hey, my own stories.

[01:03:34] Hector: Matt, why don't you share for the listeners who have not, already subscribed, where and what the live shift is all about. I.

[01:03:40] Matt: Sure. I'm almost 200 episodes in. But the life shift started as a school assignment. But I get to talk to people about These pivotal moments in which their lives changed forever. And so I mentioned it earlier, my mom was killed when I was eight in a motorcycle accident, I should say.

[01:03:57] Matt: She wasn't killed by somebody, but in a motorcycle accident. And at that moment in time, everything in my life had changed. And so now I, I mean, even you, we pulled out your life shift moment, Hector, but now I get to talk to people about these, line in the sand moments in which everything changed. And the hope is.

[01:04:13] Matt: To what you were just saying, that other people out there that feel really alone in their circumstance can hear somebody else's story and feel like, oh, there's hope, or I'm inspired, or whatever that may be. So check it out, life shift podcast.com, find all the information there.