Parenting Real Talk: The Best & Hardest Parts of Being a Dad [Modern Man Podcast]

[00:00:00] Hector: Welcome to

[00:00:07] Ted: the Modern

[00:00:07] Hector: Masculinity Podcast, where we delve into the depths of what it means to be a man in today's world, and we explore the real life challenges and triumphs that you and I face every single day. My name is Hector Sania. Esteban and I come with no answers, only questions for

[00:00:21] Ted: some of the most wise,

[00:00:22] Hector: insightful, and grounded men that I know.

[00:00:25] Hector: So get settled in. You're listening to modern masculinity.

[00:00:30] Ted: Fellas, what's going on? Uh,

[00:00:33] Hector: once again, I hope this episode finds you well, and even if it doesn't, I wanna encourage you to stay in the pocket. To ride the wave. Right. You know, stay in there because man. There's so many times recently where I've thought that shit has gotten so crazy only for things to be so amazing right afterwards.

[00:00:53] Hector: Only things for things to get so crazy again, and there's so much emotional

[00:00:59] Ted: energy that

[00:01:01] Hector: is lost and wasted in that. And to oscillate and to vacillate too far ends up. I almost thinking like, what was the point of that? Why did I freak out if. If this is what was gonna happen. Now obviously hindsight is 2020 and you don't know, but I think that we do, right?

[00:01:22] Hector: We do know that things. Change and get better. And that no matter how gripping right now seems that it's going to change, that time will evolve it and, and that this will eventually be something that will pass both great and not both challenging and, and not that these. Times are, they're precious, right?

[00:01:47] Hector: In the way that we can get, they're precious in the joyful moments, and they're precious in the hard moments. And I think that's something that I've been waking up to more and more, or, or perhaps, uh, the universe is, is dumping some cold water on me to wake me up to it. But in any case, today's episode is, Is with, is with me.

[00:02:07] Hector: I guess it's a, it's a special kind of episode. It is a episode of the Modern Man Podcast and the Modern Man podcast is hosted by Ted Faan. He was actually our first guest here on the show, and I got a chance to come on and talk a lot about parenting and a lot about guys and, and man, you know, stuff and whatever.

[00:02:25] Hector: But I thought it was a, a very. Very relevant conversation. It was very similar to the conversations that we have here on this show. He has a great podcast. He's his, his show. The Modern Man Show is actually one that's in my, my routine and it's in my, you know, my rhythm. And so I thought it would be a good episode to share here.

[00:02:43] Hector: And so, without further ado, this is,

[00:02:45] Ted: this is with me.

[00:03:03] Ted: Let's get max there today. I think we're gonna do a great job. What's going on guys? Welcome to the Modern Man Podcast, where we connect men in pursuit of their potential. Join us as we embrace this comfort, cultivate community, and put wind in. Each other's sales. If you're ready to take your personal and professional growth to the next level, be sure to like and subscribe and share the podcast.

[00:03:25] Ted: And don't forget to check out the Noble Knights Mastermind Group where you will find the support, accountability, and mentorship you need to achieve your goals. Join us and become a part of a community of like-minded men. On a mission to improve themselves and elevate their capacity for life. I'm excited to get some wind in our sales today from my guest podcast strategist, growth consultant, but host of the Modern Masculinity podcast, father, uh, husband.

[00:03:51] Ted: Umm. So happy to have Hector San Esteban on the show. What's going on, Hector?

[00:03:56] Hector: What is up, my man? Thanks for, for having me. And you nailed my name, by the way. That does not Nice. That does not happen. Yeah. So I appreciate, I appreciate it, but I would not have, I would've loved you the same,

[00:04:08] Ted: by the way. I appreciate it.

[00:04:08] Ted: Yeah, man. Hey, listen, you gotta swing. You missed all, all the shots you don't take. But, um, I, I wanna make sure that our audience gets, uh, to hear from your own words, how you introduce yourself because, you know, I, I, I could say the titles, but that only kind of gives a glimpse into a man. It only gives the glimpse into.

[00:04:24] Ted: Someone's story. So I wanna give you the floor really quick, let you introduce yourself, tell the people who you are, what you do, and then we can kind of hop more into the discussion.

[00:04:32] Hector: Yeah, man. You know, I am a, uh, a husband to, uh, my wonderful wife, Chalene. Uh, I have two great kids, uh, cash and Kai, who are three and four.

[00:04:43] Hector: And when I'm, when I'm not with them, I spend my time, uh, running a podcast production company and I host a few shows. One about podcasting, another that we're about to launch called modern masculinity, which is where we connected. And, you know, most of my day is, is spent, uh, at least right now in, um, in service of, of others.

[00:05:08] Hector: And I think that that's a, like a, I think that that is a. A plight that men take on, and it's, it's kind of our, the challenge is, is so much of our identity is wrapped up into it. And then when we actually get what we said we wanted, then. You know, it's kinda like, be careful what you wanted or be careful what you wish for a little bit.

[00:05:32] Hector: Yeah. So, um, yeah, I, you know, when you say like, who am I, you know, most of my days, like, how do I, how do I be the best husband? How do I be the best dad? And then, and then, you know, how do I, how do I be the best? Entrepreneur or be the best provider. You know, all those other roles that so many people have identified with in terms of professionally, right?

[00:05:53] Hector: Mm-hmm. Like, you know, usually when you introduce yourself, it's like, you know, I'm a realtor, I'm a whatever. Like Yeah. That has in the last several years has quickly become, you know, my, my professional identity has become less and less of my, my whole identity. Yeah. And, um, And yeah, I'm in the middle of that, man.

[00:06:10] Ted: That's huge. And, uh, see man, I knew this was gonna be dope because we're jumping there really, really quick because you started it with, in service of others. I think as men, it feels so good to be needed and it feels so good to provide value. Like, that's one thing I know, like I'm an affirmations guy, like words of affirmations is one of my love languages.

[00:06:31] Ted: Um, I, I want to hear a good job. I want to be able to help others. And I think a lot of guys resonate with that. But to your point, Man, we see that, we focus on that. We chase it so much that we often, man, I feel like sometimes we look for the validity in money or we look for the validity in titles and those help us feel important.

[00:06:54] Ted: But I guess the relationships and some of the other things that also feel our cup can be left empty. Talk a little bit cuz like, I feel like you kind of touched on that. I want you to elaborate more on that service of others, but kind of be careful what you wish for. Well, because when

[00:07:11] Hector: you get it, you can't complain about it.

[00:07:14] Hector: Yeah. Like, you know, you got it. So, so here it is. Why are you, you know, and I, I find myself, right? Like I, I have two kids. I mentioned they're three and four, and I do, my, my wife, she, uh, She travels a lot for work and she also, she works events and so a lot of times she's, she's out at night and so I'm, you know, working and, you know, so we kinda work opposite schedules, but I'm, I'm taking the kids and getting them ready in the morning and I'm also putting them to bed.

[00:07:41] Hector: And so there's a lot, I don't wanna say it's a lot, but, but there were times where I felt like, man, this is a lot. And, and I felt like it was more than. It felt like it was more than it should be. And in that, yeah, and from that perspective, I felt like, you know, why am, why am I doing all of this? Or why, like, you know, I have this, and it could be as like this victim mentality, but it was this.

[00:08:08] Hector: It was, it wasn't coming from a place of service, it wasn't coming from a look at all the time. You get to spend with them. Look at all, look at all of the, the wisdom, the lessons. Look at all the experiences you get to share. Look at, look at it from that. And, and when I, when I come at it from that place, right, like, then, then, then those moments are much easier.

[00:08:26] Hector: But, but it's a battle. And it's like when, when your energy is low or your, you know, you didn't get a lot of sleep or. You know, they're, they're kind of going through their own emotional

[00:08:39] Ted: turmoil or something. The,

[00:08:40] Hector: the word that came to mind was insurrection. It was like, you know, because I was trying, like, it's not this birth, it's not this, like they're, they're going through the, they're having, like, they're being taken over mm-hmm. By these emotions and having no idea, no tools or no skillsets to be able to manage that.

[00:09:00] Hector: And then, I'm a very energetically, let's call it porous person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

[00:09:06] Ted: so,

[00:09:07] Hector: you know, I, I receive a lot of that energy and so if I, you know, I take, I, you know, early on I would take that on and they were freaking out, and I would freak out. Right. Yeah. It would kind of, you know, we would all just, it wouldn't be good.

[00:09:21] Hector: So, I can kinda go, I think I'm kinda going all over the place here, but like that's, I'm picking it up though. Yeah, that's a little bit about like when I say like, be careful what you wish for. Cuz it's like in those moments we can. We can lose appreciation and gratitude for them and then we lose kind of the magic of it, right?

[00:09:39] Hector: Yeah. It's like,

[00:09:40] Ted: well, you know, I think life's gotten heavy as time's gone. Gone on, and that's just me talk, talking from my personal experience, right where you say, be careful what you wish for. I, I can look and I see my wife, my dog, I see the family, I see the life we've built and it's. It's a blessing.

[00:09:56] Ted: Like it feels great to have all that, you know, but you know, with all that comes, the responsibility comes the weight of it comes the, you know, the sustaining of the life that you've built. And what's what's great is like, okay, this is awesome, this looks great, but you know, now there's a weight to it. And I think we take on a lot of, some of the burdens of the people that depend on us, right?

[00:10:18] Ted: It's like, man, I gotta take on this, I gotta take on that. And you end up finding out. I spend most of my time from when I wake up to when I go to bed, being reliable for others. Right. Right. You know, like I, I, I'm the rock, right? Or I gotta h I gotta hold this down. Right? And then sometimes we spend so much time being the rock for others, being the foundation for others, taking on that energy, right?

[00:10:43] Ted: We all, we also forget to identify, man, where do I unload this? Right. Yeah. Where did I love this? I want to go

[00:10:51] Hector: back and then I, I think I should say that the, the, be careful what you wish for is probably an, an old paradigm, right? Because I don't think careful is the right word. I think it's be intentional what you wish for.

[00:11:01] Hector: Yeah. Right. To be, to be. And, and, and with that, you know, careful is, is. I think that it's too scarcity minded, right? But if you're intentional with what you wish for, then, then all of a sudden you can be appreciative of it. But the next thing that you brought up was like this unloading thing. And man, I can't tell you just like that was half, I don't even know.

[00:11:22] Hector: That was probably 80% of the reason why I was excited about having this conversation, just because I knew that me and you we're gonna get to chat about some real stuff that most guys don't get to ever talk about. And the act of just talking about it is such. It's such a release. Yeah. It's such a, it's so needed.

[00:11:42] Hector: And I don't, I mean, I guess I do know why guys don't do it enough, right? Like, because it's just not cool, you know? It's, it's weak, it's whatever. Right. All the stigmas and, and we see, I think we also see women do it so well. They unload so well. We almost, yeah. That we almost like. Well, we are not gonna do it like that, or we're not gonna do it like, almost to our detriment.

[00:12:07] Hector: Right. Yeah. To where we wouldn't, so, so I, I hear you on that unloading part. It's so, so necessary.

[00:12:13] Ted: Yeah. Well, and that's, that's the reality of it, right? And, and part of the thoughts of with this podcast is, you know, we have this. Man, we, we have this responsibility within us to kind of put on this certain, this certain persona.

[00:12:26] Ted: And it's almost like we have to make it look easy. A any loyal listener to the podcast, they know about my knight in shining armor analogy. And like, I'm not trying to walk around with a perfect suit of armor. No, sir. My, my armor is battered, bro. Like I'm out here fighting. I actually just sent the message to, uh, a group of my guys this morning and.

[00:12:46] Ted: And here's, here's the, here's the other half of it, right? And I said, L listen guys, you know, this is a text that could, that could cause the insecure to hate or it would cause the confidence to mo be motivated, right? So you, you could, I it either be a hate or a motivate, but I had, I just shared, I said, man, I've been through it and I know you've all been through it.

[00:13:09] Ted: We got the storms that we have. Life gets heavy at times and I've relied on some of y'all along the way, but I just wanna let you guys know. I'm feeling on fire right now. I'm coming into a season in my life where things are shaping out, things are paying off, and I'm like, bro, like I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[00:13:24] Ted: I'm feeling good right now and I'm also hyper aware that this is temporary. Right. It could be another week, it could be another two weeks where something else is gonna come heavy and something else is gonna hit me in the face. But as I'm like, I'm like, I'm here to just tell y'all I'm embracing the good just as much as I'm embracing the bad.

[00:13:39] Ted: Like I'm on this ride. I think before the thought talk you said vibrant, right? And I was like, I felt that so much because vibrant is like, the reds are red and the blues are blues, and the greens are greens, but. It's the extremes of the life that have actually given me the fulfillment, the ups and downs that have actually given me the, the, the times where I could put my hands up a screen.

[00:13:59] Hector: Yeah. You know, if I, like, if people were to look externally, I don't know how much like there might have been to other times where I would've had more quote unquote success. Right. In the sense of. You know, there were times where my, my 10 99 was way bigger, right? The accolades were way bigger, right?

[00:14:21] Hector: They're all whatever, and,

[00:14:27] Hector: and, And it reminds me actually of like that, that Drake song trophies, right? Because it's like, you know, I, I, I got all of the external validation that I had needed, right? Sold all the stuff, made all the money, got all the claps, whatever. And now the last, I guess four years, it's really about, you know, my two or three human trophies, right?

[00:14:49] Hector: Of people that I've been, been pouring into that at least right now, you can't see. You can't see any of that like that fruit yet. It's like a tree, right? It's like an like an avocado tree. Right. You know, it goes dormant and it's, it, it builds its roots for years and years before any of that fruit is, is born.

[00:15:09] Hector: And not that your kids need to bear any fruit for it to to matter. Right. That's not, that's not my point. I guess that, like, for me it's been a really, there's been a big conscious battle to like be okay with not seeing those. Those results. Right. Or those whatever. And and also the, the winning or the, the achievement, the accomplishment is actually just being able to be in this fire.

[00:15:37] Hector: Yeah. And be in this jungle and be, and to be able to, to be, you know, not necessarily do or accomplish, but to be like, like the, I've, I've been better at being over the last four years. And if you were to look on from the outside, you'd be like, Well, you know, there were some things that progressed or whatever, but, but my, my ability to, you know, navigate the moment I think has, has, I don't know, has improved drastically.

[00:16:05] Hector: Right. But that's hard to Yeah. To measure it

[00:16:08] Ted: externally. What would you say was the shift that happened four years ago? Cuz for, for anybody listening know beans, I know, well, I know that that's what was gonna allude to, but I mean, beforehand, you know, Career in marketing, crushing it, um, and then helping Podcasters market their podcast, um, founder of Amplify Media and then Proud Front Row dad.

[00:16:31] Ted: Right. Kids coming into the picture, how has that shift shifted your approach to life?

[00:16:39] Hector: You know, someone asked me like, when did I get serious about being dad recently? And it was like, I, I, I was always serious about it. In the sense that I always knew that I was going to take it seriously. Mm-hmm. But it got, it got thrust on me sooner than I would've anticipated.

[00:16:58] Hector: And so, you know, we kind of found out we were pregnant and it was like, oh shit. Like, you know, and. And at that moment it was like, it was a very calling up kind of moment. And so, so that the, the wheel started turning there and then the pregnancies were so traumatic. You know, I don't like. I don't know how many times my wife, like, almost died, like throughout the two pregnancies or like how many times we were considering, like how many, how many nights we were actually, I was seriously wondering whether or not I was gonna be a single dad.

[00:17:41] Hector: Like, like where, where my brain was going to, okay. If worst case scenario happens, what? Like how do I, like how do my practical brain was trying to think through, okay. You know, all right, I'm moving with my parent. Like, like all these kinds of like actual. Decisions that I was trying to think through. Right.

[00:17:59] Hector: Because yeah. You know, because it was, it was so, so all those kinds of questions, you know, start to bring back like the perspective of now. And so

[00:18:15] Hector: I, thankfully everybody's here and healthy and wonderful and like, I don't know how we made it through like, There is a book in a movie about that. There's so many medical miracles that we like. I just, I can't believe that we kept making it out of it. Yeah. But all that to say that you come out of that with a total new appreciation for, frankly, for people.

[00:18:44] Hector: I was a very, you know, looking back on it prior to that, I was like very selfish, very. Self-centered and, and, and probably even narcissistic. Um, yeah. And somewhere on that spectrum, somewhere, somewhere on that, you know, on that line. I, I was, because I cared about how much money I was making, how much, you know, how much, even, even in my relationships, it was like, Well, how much does she make me feel validated or how cool mm-hmm.

[00:19:17] Hector: Or great do I feel when I'm with her, right? Like it's, it was a very much a what am I getting out of these, this relationship. And all of a sudden you have a kid and you have two kids and you have, you know, these people who are, who are relying on you. And it's like there as a dad, like there is nothing that you're getting out of that.

[00:19:39] Hector: Like there, there is, there is. There is nothing that their, their expectation or is their expectation of them giving to you is none. Like they have zero. They have zero shit. They give zero shits or fucks about what you want, and it's like, that's what they're their, that's not their job. That's not, yeah. You know, you, it's all, it's a really weird thing where you, you kind of realize these moments where you.

[00:20:09] Hector: You, you have a new appreciation for your parents. Right. Or a new appreciation, you know, because you see all of a sudden where the lack of gratitude or appreciation or whatever, but it's also, it's not their, it's not their place to, to do that. It is, is their place to, to give you what you are missing.

[00:20:27] Hector: Right. You know, to show and to highlight whatever it is. And so that was like a really, you know, I had to find some selflessness in me that, that I think was not. I don't know if it wasn't there or I hadn't accessed it, or, or yeah. All of a sudden, you know, you have some really, and, and then to be okay with it and not to be bitter or resentful or to, to all of a sudden start, I was, I was someone who I would in, I would do this in my relationship with my marriage too, and I've had to really work on not, not like keeping score, right?

[00:21:03] Hector: Like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna rub your back. And I'm going to make you dinner and I'm gonna do all these things, and then now the score is up. Three zero. So now you're gonna have to Yeah. Right. Or, or it's not even that I'm winning. It's like, okay, now it's time for you to put some points on the board or, or like whatever.

[00:21:19] Hector: All of a sudden it out giving with, with, with an expectation that you're going to receive all of a sudden as like a father. It sh it kind of showed me how to give and give and give with the knowing that somewhere, Down the line, it's gonna come back. Right. Like not, it's not just gonna be back. Yeah. I was gonna transaction.

[00:21:39] Hector: Um,

[00:21:40] Ted: well, man, I, I appreciate, I appreciate your transparency there because, you know, I'm, I'm not a father yet and I can only imagine, um, You know, the process going through that. And I just wanna first, you know, give you and your wife the flowers for getting through what you guys had to go through. Cuz I can only imagine, bro.

[00:21:59] Ted: Um, so I'm, you know, happy everyone's still here and you guys are, are on this side continuing the journey. And would you mind if I challenge some of, some of those, those thoughts though? Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like, The, the reality is, you know what we get back, man, what I've, what I've realized was kind of the thing that has always filled me up was, you know, being able to genuinely, genuinely, um, Have time and presence as being myself with somebody.

[00:22:34] Ted: Right. And I get that with my wife and I, I, I don't know what it's gonna be like having, you know, having kids, but we talk a lot about just the, the idea of creating something together, right? Just like I create a piece of content, just like we're having this conversation, creating this podcast, you know? I see kind of.

[00:22:54] Ted: The life that my wife and I live being, you know, art on a blank canvas. We're creating, you know, we're going to Cabo, we're gonna create this experience, we're gonna create these things, and then bringing somebody else in the life. Yeah. Listen, they're little, they don't care what you want. Right. But we're giving them, we're giving them experiences.

[00:23:12] Ted: We're giving them, we're giving them.

[00:23:18] Ted: I, I would almost say we're giving them like guidance towards life through what we've learned, and I think what we get to see is almost a reflection and a mirror of how we've lived

[00:23:25] Hector: our lives. You are a hundred percent correct and, and I would say yes and, and. Perhaps where I'm also coming from is my parents were, and they're great people and I'm gonna see 'em tonight and they have the kids right now, and they're great grandparents and I, I don't ever want to, you know, people listen to these, some of these podcasts and they're like, damn Hector's parents were terrible.

[00:23:48] Hector: They're fantastic people. And, and they did the best. And they were even, even contextually, they were great parents. However, everybody from that generation was living vicariously through their kids. They were, they were, they were doing things and putting their kids in things for their own reasons and for their own validation, right?

[00:24:13] Hector: Mm-hmm. It was like, I, I played baseball because my dad wanted me to play baseball. I did, you know, and, and, and, and the, and the challenge, and the problem is though, is that, I, I thought I was doing it for me at, in the time and in the moment as a kid I felt like, you know, I was doing it for me. But when I reflect and I look back on, on those things, I, I was probably, I was actually looking for validation from my parents was actually looking for, you know, for that.

[00:24:41] Hector: And so, so all that to say that,

[00:24:44] Ted: do you think, does your kids want validation from you?

[00:24:49] Hector: And, and where I would push back is I would not want them to, and it's a dance, right? It's like mm-hmm. I would not want them to, to rely on validation or to seek validation from anybody other than themselves. And it's something that we're going through with, like, I'm, I'm going through this right now at 31 where, you know, so many of my, so many of the issues I've ever had in relationships came from me, not.

[00:25:15] Hector: For me, seeking that validation in somebody else. Mm-hmm. Right. And so with my four year old, you know, I'm, I'm already having conversations about like, you know, he's got a, the dude, the dude pulls, he's, he's four years old and he is already got a girlfriend. He's already getting in trouble for, for being too physic.

[00:25:32] Hector: I mean, the kid I can't get, it's hard to be mad at him. I don't know. It's like, in any case,

[00:25:38] Ted: tone it down. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Come on.

[00:25:40] Hector: You know, but to that, to that point, I'm already having conversations with, you know, are you need to, like, validation doesn't come from anybody else. And, and the moment that you start looking for it from other people I think is just a really slippery slope.

[00:25:57] Hector: You know? Of course it feels good. Of course it might, it might feel, it might feel good, but so does a lot, a lot of things that are actually not good for us, you know? Mm-hmm. And so, so that's a, a, a weird. Dance. Right? Because do they want validation for me? Like Yeah, absolutely. I would imagine so. And I, and I think that I, I try and give that, but, but the, it's an interesting thing that you talk about of like, Where does the line get drawn?

[00:26:26] Hector: Right. Yeah. And how does someone become too reliant on that validation? Yeah,

[00:26:30] Ted: and it stuff, uh, it reminds me of a quote I just heard, and man, I, I, I wrote it down, it hit really hard and kind of like, I feel like a lot of parents, you always hear them say, you know, I just wanna give my kids the things I never had.

[00:26:41] Ted: I wanna give my kids the things I never had. And I forgot who said it was gently or whatnot. They said, no, I wanna teach my kids the things I never knew. Right, right. And, and it's almost like. By doing that and even by teaching. Your son and, and I'd also address like three and four. First of all, like you guys went through the ringer because one year apart, that means you had two under two.

[00:27:06] Ted: You know? That's crazy. That's no sleep. That's no sleep. There's none. That's terrible. Two under two. And then, so three and four. I, I will say hopefully, I think he turns you towards the end of the fire with that.

[00:27:18] Hector: Right? They're, they're starting to, we're coming out of it for sure. Yeah. Yeah. It

[00:27:22] Ted: was, it was a tough few years, but I think the, the, the thing that I hear when you're talking about, you know, I.

[00:27:29] Ted: With your four year old when you're telling him, you're helping to teach him through what you've healed in your traumas. Right. Like it, it ran in my family until it ran into me. Right. And I think the reward and the gift is, and like you mentioned, a lot of parents live through their kids vicariously. And I do think that's a lot of things.

[00:27:45] Ted: That happens subconsciously by accident, but there is a matter of truth to it. You can still live through your kids vicariously, but you live through them by teaching them the things that you never knew and letting them have a better shot at life, which is almost your second chance. Like that's what they're giving you.

[00:27:59] Ted: They're giving you a second chance, bro, and that by that second chance, it's not your experience in life, but your son's gonna learn the things you never knew. And you're gonna be like, yo, this is where I messed up. This is where I, this is where I, I could have done better. Yeah. And you know, God willing, hopefully is like, you get to watch the fruits of your labor with your two children, you know, having a rich, prosperous life

[00:28:21] Hector: and in a way that you never had.

[00:28:23] Hector: It's funny, I was, um, I saw my, my best friend from high school, uh, a few months ago, one of our friends got married and he doesn't have kids that he was asking me. He was like, do you. When you, when your kid, cuz my son was in the, the why phase and he's still kind of there, but he, you know, everything was why, why, why, why, why?

[00:28:42] Hector: And. He asked me, he said, when you are answering these questions, are you thinking about the answer you're giving him? Or are you just saying whatever? Right. Are you just kinda, yeah. You know, just kinda giving an answer. And I said like, no, I, I think through every, every answer is crafting this kid's worldview.

[00:29:00] Hector: I thought, I think it's like a, mm-hmm. It's a disservice when, you know, our uncles or whoever used to say like, uh, you know, even silly things like, like if you eat a water watermelon seed, you know it's gonna grow in your belly. Like, like those, those, that's a very silly example. But those types of things where, where kids are listening and so you, the, the answers that you give to these questions are actually crafting how they are seeing the world.

[00:29:26] Hector: And so my, the other part, the other kind of challenge was that my son would ask these things and he would actually be curious. You know, it would be annoying to the adult because he's five wise, deep on, you know, why does, why is it wet outside? But now the kid's four years old and he's got a pretty, I mean, you're a meteorologist, like Yeah, he's a, he got a pretty good idea of, of condensation and how it works and where it comes from and where it goes.

[00:29:53] Hector: And like, yeah, the water comes up from there and it gets hot and it goes up and like, like the kid is, you know, he's, he's brilliant and so, and, but. But I think that like we, we as men, Not that the onus is a weird word cuz there's that load kind of thing. Responsibility maybe is a better word, but like we have that opportunity to, to create direction or structure or, or to provide those lessons like you're talking about, right?

[00:30:22] Hector: Mm-hmm. If we so cha choose to take the opportunity to, to be present in the moment. And so that, that was another thing that that kind of came up was like, You, you talk about like, what are you getting back and your ability to, you know, have a second chance that Yeah. You, you do have this, this unique opportunity to kind of craft someone's worldview.

[00:30:43] Hector: Yeah. And what a geez, what a scary kind of power that can be, you know? Yeah. And I,

[00:30:48] Ted: I'll also, I'll also say this though, cuz I, I think about my parents and I think about my dad and, you know, text messages I have with my dad and, and you know, The relationship we have now, he and my, and my mom too. You know, my mom's 76.

[00:31:03] Ted: My dad's 81. You know, I'm, I'm 35 years old when this, when this episode comes out. Um, the reality is, is I think, and I'm gonna, you, you're not gonna like this. Hector and I gave my parents a hard time even through high school, up through college, bro. But like, To see where I am at now. And like a lot of the lessons they taught me ha, have stuck with me.

[00:31:27] Ted: My parents were strict, they were hard on me, but they, they taught me good structure. Uh, a lot of the tension through high school and college was me crafting my own view of life, and even in my early twenties, but somewhere around 23, 24, uh, and things started to click for me, thankfully. And. My mom watches me in the morning.

[00:31:46] Ted: I have conversations with my mom. She's like, I'm so happy that you called and this is so great. And I feel, I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity in that time to pour into them. And I've actually spoken to both my parents on a personal level and sincerely told 'em, thank you for the life that they've given me.

[00:32:06] Ted: All, all that to say is the big investment that you're making. It's probably gonna require more of a payment, but the return on the investment I can only imagine would be insurmountable. Bro. The, the

[00:32:20] Hector: challenge is, I also, and, and people are looking at this and like, damn, that dude's an asshole. I also don't look at it like in this, like I look at it as a spiritual investment in the sense that I, I also don't.

[00:32:33] Hector: I'm not expecting any return necessarily. At least with those, with the, my, like my kids taught me this specifically and I'm, I'm trying to learn it more, you know, with more other people. But, but I'm not, I'm not looking for a return in this lifetime. Right. It's like the return, the return isn't coming to me.

[00:32:50] Hector: The return is going to, to our generation. Right? Like, like I was given. I like that. I, I was given, you know, my, my, I was invested into. My parents, you know, if we look at, you know, kind of where we're the generational track that we're on, right? You know, my parents, they're not, they're not necessarily sure they're, they're kind of experiencing some, some great stuff in their retirement or whatever, but like in, in the same way that return comes generationally.

[00:33:14] Hector: And, and, and so that's also another thing that I'm looking at is like the time horizon on these quote unquote returns are much longer than, than what, you know, I'm not, than what I used to expect. Right. In the sense of. I'm gonna do something for you and then you're gonna do something for me. Mm-hmm. And then I'll do something for you and you'll do something for me.

[00:33:33] Hector: And it was this very transactional, keeping the score. Right. 15. Love, love, love, you know? Yeah. Just like this. It was very much this transactional kind of thing, whereas, And I, and, and as I'm talking about it, I'm like, actor, you're a fucking farce. Like, because I'm, I, I'm not perfect with it. But in the moments where I am present and in, in the moments where I am, you know who I, I I see.

[00:33:57] Hector: I can be, it's like that's what I'm connected to. Yeah. Is

[00:34:00] Ted: the fact that this is.

[00:34:02] Hector: This is, that's, we're undoing generational, right? Like trauma, right. We're un we're, we're, like you said, we're fixing those, those mistakes and, and that's, that's what I'm, you know, focused on or,

[00:34:14] Ted: yeah. Looking at. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna mirror the question that one thing you said starting, you know, why am I doing all this?

[00:34:23] Ted: And like, man, I, I had to wrap my head around, um, a lot of that before, because I mean, I, I could admit my motivations have been titles has been, when I first started my career, I wanted to get to the top market in the country. I wanted to be on national tv. I wanted to be on the Weather channel. I wanted to be, um, ABC seven New York first, and then just go National Weather Channel and just crush it.

[00:34:46] Ted: Right? Um, but then, I don't know, somewhere along the line of getting, um, having a wife, a dog, and thinking of a family, those don't entertain me as much anymore. Right. They'll do, they'd be cool. Right. But now there's a le there's a level of, that's not what's important and I, that's not the reason why I do things.

[00:35:10] Ted: And I think for me, my long-term vision, kind of what you mentioned, like, I love that you said, you know, I'm not looking for a return in my lifetime. Uh, I've asked myself a lot. It's like, are you willing to put everything you have into a mission, into a goal, into a dream, into a purpose that you won't be able to, to be around to see?

[00:35:27] Ted: And and what I kind of came to the conclusion of is, is yes, because I'm the result of that, right? Like my life is a result of my, my parents and just being the child of two immigrant parents. My life is a result of two people leaving the country that they grew up in to live in an unfamiliar country.

[00:35:46] Ted: Because maybe their kids would have a better life. So I literally owe my life to someone who sacrificed theirs, you know? Or not literally like sacrificed their lives. Again, my parents are still here, but they started a new right. And that's where I'm like, okay, crap. But my life is the result of someone's sacrifice.

[00:36:05] Ted: And because of that, I'm thinking how big my sacrifice would be, the fruits that that life goes. And you're so right in terms of like, bro, that is what, what the return is, right? You're like, you're like, bro, it's not coming to me like this. This whole parenting thing's. Not for me. This is for, this is for what the world gets to have.

[00:36:25] Ted: Yeah, I was gonna

[00:36:27] Hector: say something right before, and then you said something brilliant. Damnit Ted,

[00:36:31] Ted: the,

[00:36:32] Hector: uh, no, that's, that's exactly right though. In the, in the sense that it, it's not, It's not coming back to you. Right. And, and, and I think that, oh, where I was going was that this, I love America and I love, I love capitalism, and I love, you know, I think it's, it's a perfect No, but like, you know, like, like I, I love what we stand for and freedom and, and freedom of speech and all, all that sort of stuff.

[00:36:56] Hector: What I think has gotten lost though. And, and, and, and one, one. Mm. It's a strong word, but one sadistic kind of, uh, expression of that is this individual selfish. I'm the only one that matters kind of, you know, personality. Right? The, the almost the, the Sam Bateman freed kind of per person who's just mm-hmm.

[00:37:23] Hector: I everything out for me and, and, and forget everybody else. The, the challenge is on the other side of that, right? That, that is such a, well, That ideal is so out there that the collective purpose has been lost. Right? Yeah. That, that when people are, are, are, are saying, what's the purpose of my life? It's only about them and their career and their financial worth and their, even their own mental health.

[00:37:47] Hector: Right? That's, that's the one problem I run into with like this whole mental health kind of thing, is it's, it, it borders on the line of, of. Of in not insensitivity, um, just like, like a, a, an compassion, right? Like there's a, there's a, there's some sort of compassion that, that's also necessary mm-hmm. In that, in that conversation.

[00:38:14] Hector: Right. That, you know, to ignore, you know, to, to focus on your mental health at the detriment. That doesn't mean that you get to be. A jerk, a, a, a, whatever, like that doesn't mean you know that you get to hurt other people in, in the sake of your mental health. All that to say that this idea around creating like, you know what, why are you here?

[00:38:35] Hector: I. Should be connected to some someone or something outside of yourself. And I think that that has been, that's the, that's the part that's been lost and isn't, um, as a parent in this kind of TikTok influencer, you know, likes driven mm-hmm. Kind of world. You know, it's like, what are we, what are we doing collectively for, for and with each other?

[00:38:58] Hector: Yeah.

[00:38:59] Ted: What are we doing

[00:38:59] Hector: all this for? Yeah. Because, because what? Like what? Like what really is the point if for? I mean, I don't know. I haven't, I haven't. I've, you know if

[00:39:18] Hector: then it's like that's,

[00:39:21] Ted: well, I don't know. I think. I think for me, what I do for Just give yourself something. Yeah. What I, what I do it for is, is really is the service of others. Kinda like what you mentioned, what you're doing right now is where the fulfillment comes, man. And I, I think it's, it's hard to pinpoint because it's hard to pinpoint because at the end of the day, expectations can lead to disappointments.

[00:39:49] Ted: Right? Yeah. And, and the expectations of, um, You know where I thought my life would be, has nothing to do with where it is now, but the gratitude of where it is is immensely more than where it would've been. And that's, and that's what I'm thankful for when I think of my mental health and what I pay attention to for myself and how I show up for others.

[00:40:14] Ted: It's all about, What I provide and how I unload my things appropriately, set up my relationships and, you know, doing these episodes, having these conversations, like that's what I feel called to do. And I never do a call like this and then walk off feeling drained. Like, so this is like my therapy. And I, I found that I, I believe we could find ways to live our lives by identifying the things that fill up our cups.

[00:40:41] Ted: Right, and the reality is, I think especially for the time that you and your wife might be in the hardest thing, and I, I can only imagine, is when you start that parenting journey, you gotta cut off the faucet towards your cup for a little bit. Yes. Wholehearted that correct, but Right. I will also say I've seen parents who are like, uh, intentional now, like intentionality.

[00:41:05] Ted: Right. Something that you said before, be intentional with what you wish for. Right. I think the intentionality too is I've seen, you know, some parents where you mentioned the great grandparents take, can you take 'em for a weekend? Me and my wife need an US weekend. We need an US time, right? We can't forget to fill our cup when the time is appropriate, but there is definitely gonna be the front investment in the early years with parenting.

[00:41:27] Ted: But especially, I remember in, in high school, I remember in elementary school, parents would go on vacation. The kids would be with grandma or the kids would be at a friend's house cuz the parents needed that weekend. The parents need that little getaway for themselves. Cuz bro, it, it gets heavy. So we can pour into others.

[00:41:44] Ted: But when we talk about mental health, it's not necessarily, I mean, some people might use it as an excuse to kind of like, you know, push others away or act how they want to act. But others, it's, it's about setting up healthy boundaries and be like, listen, I need to take care of myself. I need a weekend. I need a couple days so I can come back better for you.

[00:42:04] Ted: And I think, bro, I think you guys, you, you guys hit that nail on the head in terms of like, man, What we are doing is gonna be for the world, not for us.

[00:42:14] Hector: Yeah. Well, grandparents are are fantastic for, for that. And but the, the challenge is, is that people, and I say people, but you know, parents, they, they lose themselves.

[00:42:24] Hector: Right. And I think it was probably Grant Cardone who, and people have, have mixed some feelings about Grant, but he said something like, are you gonna make your kids the reason that you don't? Achieve your dreams. Like, are you gonna tell your kid like dad? Or like when your kid asks like, dad, why didn't you go after your dreams?

[00:42:40] Hector: Are you gonna tell him? Well, son, you came along. Yeah. It's messed up. Like you're the reason that's messed up. You're, you're the reason. I was like, yeah, exactly. I was like, damn, there's no way in hell I could say, well shut. Yeah. The reason I'm I'm mediocre is you son.

[00:42:55] Ted: Everything was going good till you got here.

[00:42:57] Hector: And, and, and despite how. I don't know how true that may sound, but, but despite the impact that kids have on, on that trajectory, like, so what, like in e even still, you know, it, it's been a, it's been a call up, but a lot of parents, they don't see that as a call up. They, they, they miss that opportunity. They get resentful.

[00:43:21] Hector: And then that's, that's what, that's kind of what happens when you, when you start living, not, not vicari, well vicariously through your kids, right where you start, you know, kind of. Going too much into that. So yeah, I think it's important for people to, to be chasing their own right. While, while kind of cultivating, you know, that of others maybe is a way to put it.

[00:43:43] Hector: Yeah. Well,

[00:43:44] Ted: speaking of chasing your own, um, While pouring into others. Um, we're coming to the end of our time, man. This was, this was a deep conversation. I gotta be honest. I'm sorry it went all over my man. No, no, it, it didn't, it, it went deep, which is exactly what I think we've been missing on this podcast for a while, bro.

[00:44:01] Ted: So I, I really appreciate you, but I also wanna make sure that people can understand that they can get more conversations like this on the Modern Masculinity podcast, right? So I wanna make sure that folks can. Connect with you, follow you and, and get more of the work you're doing. Because it's not only do you have that podcast, but you also have the marketing agency helping folks, uh, market their podcasts.

[00:44:20] Ted: A lot of services that you could provide that folks can kind of, uh, connect with you and find out about. But I want you to make, make sure that you can share

[00:44:27] Hector: your links, brother. Yeah. Well, if you're listening to this, um, We got connected through a mutual friend and I was like, damn, he's already doing the show that I wanted to do.

[00:44:39] Hector: But, uh, but if you like this, we're, we have a, another show that's, um, should be launched by the time that this hits out. It's, uh, called Modern Masculinity. And Ted came on and graced us with his, uh, his wisdom as well. And, and similarly we have these conversations and that's just because I think that.

[00:44:57] Hector: These aren't happening enough. And I'm excited to, to kind of get thrown into this world a little bit and, and to see that there are guys like you and guys like that we're having on the show talking about this stuff, but I still don't think that it's happening enough. Mm-hmm. And not at the rate at which, you know, uh, well, I just think that we can really affect some change.

[00:45:17] Hector: So if you like conversations like this, check out modern masculinity. Do a search on all of the, uh, Uh, you know, all the podcast platforms as well. Uh, you should find it. And then if you wanna connect with me, you can find me at on Twitter at Hector podcast. And I'm also on LinkedIn at Hector Cynthia. And

[00:45:35] Ted: the content you put out on LinkedIn is nothing short of fire for like podcasters, anyone looking for, you know, marketing tips.

[00:45:44] Ted: Like I, I, bro, I love what you put out so you don't miss. So definitely make sure to hit those links. I'll have those in the show notes and all that. Um, I usually say, Hey, this last question's a heavy one, but. Um, we, I, like I said, I loved it from the get go. We jumped in head first, so, uh, and, and maybe your answer would be different than parenting or whatnot, but I always ask this at the end is, you know, what is something you've seen or something that's happened to you in your life that shapes the way you view the world as a man?

[00:46:11] Ted: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:46:13] Hector: It would be, you know, having, having my son and it's just, you know, when you, when you have another life that's fully responsible for you. Yeah. You start to check, make sure that you start checking all the boxes that you left unchecked, uh, before then. And, um, you know, because, uh, it's easy. It, the easiest person sometimes to give, to give up on or, or to, to go light on is ourselves.

[00:46:40] Hector: Right. But when you have another person that's, that's relying on you, it's a, it's a different level of responsibility. So that was a, that was a big

[00:46:47] Ted: one for me. Wow. I just need to, I'm gonna have to put that on repeat. I'm gonna have to tweet that. The easiest person to give up on is ourselves. But when you have a kid, it's a whole different responsibility like that.

[00:47:00] Ted: Put that on a t-shirt because that is so true, man. Hector esta bomb. This is, this has been a great conversation, man. I appreciate you being on the show, bro.

[00:47:09] Hector: Thanks Seb for having me. I appreciate it, man. Absolutely.

[00:47:11] Ted: And, and I'm, I'm gonna have to recap some of the, uh, some of the topics and some of the tips that we hit along the way cuz I think a lot of folks probably were just sitting captivated.

[00:47:20] Ted: I was kind of keeping notes along the way, but in service of others, kind of where we started is a lot of us find ourselves in service of others wanting to be in service of others, getting fulfillment for that, but making sure that we're chasing. The right fulfillment instead of those accolades and, and the bank accounts, the titles that honestly, quite frankly could be fickle and short-lived.

[00:47:38] Ted: Why am I doing all of this? Man, life can get heavy at times. Life can really have its storms. We're either in one, just coming out of one or just left one, but at the same time, in the fick of that storm, it could feel heavy at times and we could question, you know, what is it all for, and try and reconnect with our why.

[00:47:54] Ted: Being intentional with what we wish for. Bro, that was huge because it's not just be careful what you wish, you be intentional, understand why you want what you want, and then getting better at just being, being present, being there and, and just kind of taking each moment. I love what you said about, hey, if you tell, you know, if someone, your kid asks, why is it wet outside?

[00:48:13] Ted: Give the real answer. They're curious. They're trying to find, and you know that they, they always start with that why, and then being in the fire. Man, Hector, I am so happy you and your wife still here with us today, and, and I can only imagine what you guys went through through that pregnancy, but understanding, going through that fire, making it through together, and then seeking validation from, from ourselves, not others when it comes to parenting.

[00:48:35] Ted: Man, you touched on that too. Crafting kids' view of the world, understanding that they're always picking up on what we're saying, how we're presenting things to them, and also taking the opportunity to be present in the moment and then not seeing the return in your lifetime, but you're producing for the world.

[00:48:51] Ted: Lose themselves in parenting. Make sure you don't lose yourself in parenting and don't tell your kid they're the reason that you didn't accomplish your goals. No kid wants to hear that. But then having a kid being life-changing and the easiest person to give up on being yourself. So, Of course, having a kid, you can't give up on them.

[00:49:09] Ted: And I encourage you guys listening, don't give up on yourselves because you can be your best selves before kids come into the picture if you're not a parent yet. But you could also still become your best self in front of your kids and then show 'em how it's done so they can follow suit factor. This has been amazing.

[00:49:24] Ted: I appreciate you. To the audience, making it to the end, I thank you and appreciate you each and every single time. You already know what I'm gonna ask for. Hit that like button, hit that subscribe button for a new episode. Each and every single week and the best compliment you can give us, not only is leaving a rating, but share this with a friend you think can get value from it as well.

[00:49:41] Ted: With that being said, guys, thank you for the time and as we always say at the end of the episode is everybody wants the sunshine, but they don't want the rain, but you can't get the pleasure without first the pain. Let's grow.

[00:50:03] Ted: A great job.