Embracing Responsibility and Healthy Masculinity with Ted Rensaw

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellas, what's going on? I hope this episode finds you well, and, and as always, I hope this episode leaves you better than when it found you. Today's episode is with Mr. Ted Faden, and he is actually, if you guys have been following the show, you might recognize that name. He's actually episode number one.

[00:00:48] Hector: He is the host of the modern man podcast. He is a news anchor and, uh, also. Since we recorded the first episode, a newly turned father, he just had his first kid. And so he is in the, in the throes of fatherhood and infant care and, uh, all the things that come along with that while it's, you know, building the business and having a career and getting a marriage going.

[00:01:19] Hector: And we just talk about life and all the things that come along with it, especially for someone who is. Such a high performer as Ted and, and has such high standards and expectations for himself that excelling in one area of life is challenging enough. Excelling You know, at all areas really is sort of the, the have it all sort of thing is, it's a fucking challenge, you know, putting it all together.

[00:01:53] Hector: I know I'm fucking, I'm trying to keep my plates up in the air while some are shattering on the floor. And you know, it can be a lot. And so anyways, you all know that that's why we're here. Let's get into today's episode with Mr. Ted.

[00:02:10] Hector: Ted, welcome back to the modern masculinity podcast.

[00:02:14] Ted: Hector, first of all, thank you for having me back to the audience, guys. Thank you for taking the time to listen. I'm excited for the conversation. I don't know what's in store, but I'm buckled up and ready to go. Hands are up for the ride, brother.

[00:02:26] Hector: Yeah. If you haven't listened, and I'm probably mentioned in the intro for you, but go back and listen to episode two, you were actually our first interview, on the show. And that was a Pre fatherhood for you, pre lots of things for you, you know, business was in its, infancy. Now you've got a few things in its infancy, you know, same question for you, man.

[00:02:46] Hector: Like what load are you carrying as a man? What weight, what responsibility, what challenges do you feel yourself still kind of working through, today, this week, this month?

[00:02:59] Ted: Man, heavy question right off the bat. start with all of it, man. Like a lot of the men listening, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. and it's, The small things, right? small things that break the camel's back. It could be a simple correspondence or a simple chore like taking the trash out, that's on that to do list on top of everything else that you need to do.

[00:03:19] Ted: What I'm holding right now, man, is, is a lot of joy, a lot of happiness, the smile of the girl. She's nine months old. That's been a great adventure. But there's the demands of work, there's the demands of the podcast, the community, the business, a big project that I'm just coming to the end of. what I've found through the whole process, Hector, is being able to stop, breathe, and trust in your Capacity to handle it, right?

[00:03:47] Ted: Systems processes. Efficiency has been something I've really leaned on to recently into. The only way I could manage this stuff is effective communication with my partner, effective planning for what's over the horizon. and honestly, the follow through to get up when I say I'm going to get up and do what I said I'm going to do when I say I'm going to do it.

[00:04:07] Ted: So feel the weight of the world Oh, it's stressful sometimes, but I just try and wake up every day and meet that where it is.

[00:04:14] Hector: I think a lot of guys, they want that, right? Like, because we know that it's in our genes and we see it, in our. Fathers and our grandfathers or whoever the men that we sort of embody. And we're like, yeah, we want that, whatever that sort of means. And then, you know, at least for me, I'm like, Oh I didn't know what this meant. And I, I've talked about this on the show, but I mentioned to my father. Recently, maybe, and I say recently, maybe in the last six months or so, he was sitting on the couch watching, I don't know what he was watching. He was just watching the TV on, you know, it was a normal, regular day.

[00:04:42] Hector: And I sat down next to him and I was like, Hey dad, I don't know that I've ever thank you for all that you did, as a father and as a dad, like, I just wanted to say thank you. And he like hitting him and it was classic reaction from him. He just like, didn't know what to do. And I think he was like, Oh, thanks.

[00:05:00] Hector: And he like, looked back at the TV and I don't know what I expected, but like, I should have expected just that. And, that was more. For me than for him, at least that was more for me and being able to share that to him, and less about the response that I needed from to see from him.

[00:05:18] Hector: I knew that it landed and I knew that like hit however it was supposed to hit, but you know, prior coming up to that, it was like, Oh, man. Like exactly what you're saying. Dealing with the kids, paying for the bills, growing the business, like taking care of yourself, like all of it at the same time.

[00:05:33] Hector: It's like, man, there's a lot of fronts, you know, in terms of like a lot of battle fronts to sort of, you know, wage, if you will.

[00:05:41] Ted: Yeah. First, I think it was received more than, you know, because I think for a lot of us men, we don't do what we do for the appreciation and the admiration, but the affirmation means so much, It's just the fact of the matter is. My wife looking at me saying, Hey, thank you for today.

[00:06:00] Ted: Thank you for taking us to see the Christmas lights, right? That fills me up in a moment where I'm like, okay, I'm able to show up in this arena, you know, me, I'm meticulous with everything. Right. I designed my own planner to work with how I like to work. It's called the daily discipline.

[00:06:14] Ted: And I write down three things I can improve on every day. One is, my health and my fitness. Move my body, make good choices. And then the other one is my business, right? What I'm trying to build. And then the other one is love. How do I be a present loving husband? And I want to attack those different areas each time.

[00:06:32] Ted: I say this, there's some days your boy falls on this face, man. And I fall short I fumbled the bag, but there's other days where I'm like, okay, maybe I can make up for this time and I find that the two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward. Right. There's still progress in that imperfection.

[00:06:51] Ted: And for me, it's just showing up all of those days. But what feels amazing is when that affirmation comes in, when Jess says, thank you for this, or when you get that progress or that checkpoint in your business. Those are the moments that like, ah, give you that relief and that breath. And perhaps there's, just another finish line to chase, right?

[00:07:11] Ted: The goal post keeps on moving. The man who falls in love with the journey gets farther than the man in love with the destination. I don't connect myself to the outcome anymore. I'm more focused on the process and I enjoy the outcomes as they pop up.

[00:07:29] Hector: Yeah. It's a that I didn't appreciate about the, call them quality men in my life was this stability, right? Because when I think about what do I bring to the family there was a time where it wasn't all financial, like there was a time where, I really was forced to deal with, okay, if you are not the sole breadwinner or you're not the provider, what do you provide?

[00:07:58] Hector: And I think that in addition to you, I've also learned that there's a, an importance in providing financially, but in, in addition to that is a space to provide, for everything else, right? like provide that space, that space for nurturance or growth or whatever our, kids need.

[00:08:16] Hector: And I think that that's hard, especially I'm learning that Mike, I mentioned before we started recording, my kids are home and it's like, it's hard to nurture and build at the same time. Like I. I was making breakfast this morning and getting their medicine ready. And I was just breathing the whole time.

[00:08:32] Hector: I was just, you know, they heard me go into my sort of breathing routine. Cause I just felt all this anxiety about all of my to do lists and all the things that needed to get done. And it's like, I didn't have the answer of how to do both at the exact same time. So it was like, we breathe through it and then, and then we get to what we get to.

[00:08:49] Ted: Can I ask something?

[00:08:51] Hector: Sure. Always.

[00:08:52] Ted: Why does the to do list occupy your mind? what doesn't allow you to let that go in the moment?

[00:08:58] Hector: I mean, I think that that chord is. finite for most people and I will give myself credit and say that we're on day three and for two of those days, I've let the to do list sort of go by the wayside. I've sort of leaned into that. And so today, if I'm being honest, it's like there were some urgent tasks on the to do list that needed to get done and It was that sort of bubbling up and rising up more than anything, because once I got sort of those urgent things out of the way, like that sort of anxiety and almost anger, you know, at the situation sort of subsided and I've realized and I've learned that Those anxieties are often tied to, call it what you will, God or forces at work. Like sometimes things need to get done and you need to get things done. and there's a reason that those things need to get done. And if you're standing in the way of, a higher power, like, like you need to move.

[00:09:58] Hector: So, that's, for me. And I've, really tried to be able to discern those moments, right? Because it used to be. It used to be just general anxiety about, I'm, here doing the home thing, playing Mr. Mom, playing, you know, caretaker role. I mean, we could talk about that anxiety, because that's, that's real for sure.

[00:10:21] Hector: There were moments where I, couldn't just be. Because I, I wanted to go do something, that's a journey in and of itself for sure.

[00:10:30] Ted: Yeah, no, absolutely. only ask that because for me, a lot of times the things that occupy my mind, I need to get it out and I'll have my phone, I'll have a task dump and then I'll just get things out of my mind. And I mentioned efficiency. Being something that I've leaned on and even my wife and I were talking about this before we hopped on this.

[00:10:49] Ted: We were just, on a walk coming towards the end of a big project. I'm aware of my capacity being at its limit, right? We're recording this bumped up right near the holidays. I mentioned right before this, I'm looking at piles of clothes and bags to hit the road in a couple of days for a road trip with a newborn and a dog.

[00:11:09] Ted: So talk about the anxiety of things that need to be done in the to do list. And my wife pointed out, she's like, you have a lot coming at you because there's also the demands of work. And then obviously I'm going to be taking time off. I want to make sure my business can operate in my absence, all these things. And she's like, well, you manage it well. and what I found was I had to slow down to speed up, man. I was such in a rush and I still am in a rush for a lot of things, but slowing down to speed up, expanding my time horizon. A lot of times we react to the way that life happens as, opposed to kind of looking ahead of the curve.

[00:11:47] Ted: I've gotten my days blown up enough. I have at least an hour of oh shit time every day, you know what I mean? Like I call it buffer time or something, but know, whatever's planned is not going to go as planned. You already know we're about to go off the rails. Having a daughter has thrown in a whole new curve ball.

[00:12:07] Ted: I mean, there's a whole day that I used to do work that I completely threw out the window. That's, me watching the baby girl. Now, if I'm able to do tasks, I'll schedule some, Long term projects for that, right? If there's something that's time sensitive, that's gonna be blocked and allocated to a specific time.

[00:12:23] Ted: I try and chunk all these things into my calendar effectively, and because it's written down and allocated in the future, I'm able to, on a Friday, wake up my daughter from a nap and take the dog out for like an hour long walk, just enjoying because she ended up taking a nap to help me get some work done in the process.

[00:12:44] Ted: Yeah.

[00:12:46] Hector: to bring up for, for a lot of guys, I'm not quite like a single dad, you know, we call ourselves solo dads, you know, because it's like, there's a minor differentiator. But in that sense, the reason I bring that up is there's a, Early on, especially there was a want to try and work while the kids are around and granted, fully transparent as we're recording this, my son is upstairs, watching his iPad and my daughter is, I think she has my phone.

[00:13:16] Hector: So I will say that, you know, that there are moments and times and, and also this week is extremely strange and, you know, we're just having grace with ourselves, but all that to say, I used to try and work while I was with them and it would, create this thing where my work was getting half of me and my kids were getting half of me.

[00:13:35] Hector: And it was like, no one, there was nothing effective about it. at all. You know, I was not able to be effective in the least bit. You know, I was failing, frankly, on both sides. I was, it was getting 50 percent results and 50 percent results and everything, you know, wasn't working. And so it was really about to your point, sort of redesigning your reprioritizing first then sort of redesigning my life around that.

[00:13:59] Hector: and along with all the implications that it means, you know, and that, that had its own implications, but to your point, I'm, glad or I'm, I'm thankful for the relationship that we've been able to build in that time. it feels real intangible.

[00:14:13] Hector: I mean, I don't know, you can't go out and grab that sort of relationship, but it's like, I see. Parents who miss out on that. And I couldn't, imagine, you know, not having that sort of connection, that real authentic connection with my kids that can really only be built through time.

[00:14:30] Ted: Yeah. I heard someone say it once that your kids will spell love T I M E. And when I'm with my daughter, I want to be with my daughter and, I've done the whole mind work of like, Ooh, can I get this done? While I'm with her, or I'm literally recording this on a two monitor system, right?

[00:14:50] Ted: I can have miss Rachel on the left monitor and my work on the right monitor. Don't think the thought hasn't come into my mind. Right. But the man who chases two rabbits catches none and I had to realize that I had to use the moment that I'm in for the specific outcome in which I hope to have and that laser focus allows me to squeeze the most out of that moment.

[00:15:12] Ted: So when I'm with my daughter, Hector, man, there's times I don't even know where my phone is. Jess, she'll be at work and she'll have a break and she'll text me and it'll be like an hour later and I wasn't with my phone. I was in the playpen with savvy. I was on the floor crawling because I get to unplug, but on the opposite side.

[00:15:32] Ted: And this is where my boundaries have been helpful was communication man, I have my phone on do not disturb right now. Buddies could be texting me. I'm not going to pick up or Jess knows, Hey, this is the time that I'm going to be unavailable. And I respectfully ask, Hey, do not interrupt me while I'm in this time, because this is my time that we agreed I could have, and I'm going to do what I can do with it, which also makes me squeeze the most juice as, as much as I can get.

[00:15:58] Ted: Cause best believe when our hours up, knock, knock, knock, Hey. Take this baby. There's poop in the diaper, right? You got to get to work. So going back to the quote, the man who chases two rabbits catches not hyper focused in this one hour block of what I need to do or in this afternoon of I'm with the kids.

[00:16:15] Ted: Just be with the kids. It allows me to get more out of the moment. And then when I go into something else, I can completely unplug from other side. Trying to balance that does get hard, though. , when you have crying baby in the other room and there's a blowout and then your wife needs help with the diaper that goes out the window.

[00:16:37] Hector: Yeah. It's hard with, babies because there's literally no concept of emotional regulation. And it's like, I've seen videos of like, and I was one of them, you know, father freaking out. I mean, when my son was your daughter's age, their mom was in the hospital for the last two months of their pregnancy.

[00:16:55] Hector: And I was just, I was at home by myself with my son and I can't tell you how many moments I had to just go somewhere else. and it was, all my inability to. deal with my emotions and whatever was coming up, it was just, there was so, so much. And then on top of it, you have this sort of baby to care for.

[00:17:15] Hector: And I say all that because it's like, even today, if I'm more emotionally regulated, I'm able to be more present. My phone is farther away. Like all of those things sort of play into it, where if I'm stewing or simmering on something from the business or relationships or whatever, then all of a sudden that phone is a lot closer because those algorithms and those feeds are like a quick little, pacifier and like that sort of becomes a problem because now You're giving your, like, all the things that come along with that, right? But to the point that you said, your boundaries, your emotional regulation allows you to have that space and be a better parent, partner, father, you know, whatever it is that you're trying to be.

[00:17:58] Ted: I mean, I think this is going to be something you love, bro. I mean, shortly after Savannah was born, it's kind of crazy having a conversation with your wife where you're like, Hey, I know we have a newborn at home, but every week, 9 a. m. I'm about to dip. Is that cool? And so, okay, where are you going? I'm going to go get punched in the face for about an hour.

[00:18:17] Ted: Is that cool? Maybe kicked in the face. I started Muay Thai. It's a Muay Thai Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym. Don't worry, man. I'm getting on the mat soon.

[00:18:28] Hector: You're just laughing at us on the mat. You're like, you, you losers. Like

[00:18:32] Ted: figured my body, my body could still handle the strikes right now. So I want to get competent in striking, kicking and all that. And then I figured I could roll for the rest of my life. So. I'm going to be working on it all, but point of it was what you mentioned was the groundedness and the whole point that I've realized when I talked about efficiency is I've had to work on myself.

[00:18:59] Ted: In order for me to get these certain outcomes or a certain piece in life. So when Savvy was young, they called me the Savvy Whisperer. Because much like you mentioned the regulation, I had Learned breath work by then, and I understood how to get in freezing cold water. I would see my heart rate at 120, and I'm not even in the water yet.

[00:19:21] Ted: But then I'd get in the water and then do my box breathing, bring my heart rate down to sub 70. And I'd be like, Oh, wow, the ability to control your body is insane. So here I have is this newborn freaking out. Her heart rates going like 1 40. It's nuts because she's tiny and I'm holding her to my chest and I do my deep breathing, bring my heart rate down as low as I can and she would regulate. She would settle into my nervous system and calm down because I'm okay. She's a baby. She doesn't know what's going on her. she can't process this stuff. So Most parents, they freak out and they're holding this baby. Now they're both freaking out. One of us needs to be the adult here, right? So learning to regulate myself, if I didn't know box breathing, I wouldn't know shit.

[00:20:04] Ted: So I'm lucky in that regard, right? But now I'm learning martial arts. I'm trying to be calm in chaos because my home has become chaos. And if I can't be the rock within the storm, I can't look to the rest of my household to be that rock. They're looking at me to do it. So for me, it's been all right, Ted, work on yourself.

[00:20:27] Ted: How can you manage this stress and anxiety? One thing I say a lot in our podcast is elevate our capacity for life. I believe a lot of us get overwhelmed because we might overextend and unknowingly. So this is what we do as men, right? I'm not just going to take the turn. want the tires to slip a little bit, right?

[00:20:46] Ted: want to push the grip. I want the tires to slip a little bit, but sometimes I might accelerate a little bit too much and not just drift, but lose control. I think that's how we all do it through life. We throttle up, throttle down, but some of us throttle down so much. We're not even driving fast anymore.

[00:21:00] Ted: Life becomes boring. That's when we lose that edge. So all that to say, I'm back in combat. I'm learning Muay Thai. I'm going to get on the mat soon, but the calm in that chaos is what allows me to stay calm in the chaos of my life.

[00:21:15] Hector: Yeah. I think there's a, gotta do something. For me it was breath work too. It's been, jiujitsu was one of it, you know, early on when, everything was falling apart, I went in on Facebook marketplace and I bought a, a , a heavy bag, put it in my backyard. 'cause it was like I needed something.

[00:21:32] Hector: 'cause it was coming out in ways that it, was destructive. Frankly, it was not healthy and guys, it's like, I heard it recently, You know, thinking about it like, a grounding in, electrical and that you can tell me, I'm just talking about it.

[00:21:45] Hector: I don't know shit about electrical engineering, but something to the effect of, you know, if you don't have an ability to ground a circuit, then that circuit doesn't work. You're like fries out. Right. It was kind of what I did. Gathered. Maybe you can sort of put it together a little bit better. but to me and the way that I sort of parallel that to ourself was like, similarly, we're going to run so hot that if there's nothing that sort of tethered us or grounds us Then we're going to burn out.

[00:22:10] Hector: We're going to freak out. We're going to fry out. Like, however, that sort of manifest is going to come out in some sort of way. and it seems like, you know, there are these events like parenting or marriage or, you know, these catalyzing events that sort of forces into the, into needing, that groundedness more than other times.

[00:22:28] Ted: Yeah, I mean, we need our, cups filled and you know, it's ironic that getting our asses kicked is our cup getting filled, right? Because so much of life is demanding and withdrawing from us, our jobs, our business, everything is. Requiring energy of us. But I imagine when you're rolling, you're pouring into yourself these are guys that you have camaraderie with they're men within their own right, who don't necessarily need anything from you, but that they got you, if ever.

[00:22:56] Ted: You need them and you got them. If ever they need you. I think there's something special about having relationships with people who aren't withdrawing their deposit. All think there's something special about finding where we get our fuel for the rest of all of this because, are not the bottomless pits or bottomless wells, right?

[00:23:17] Ted: The well can run dry on if we don't have someone who's depositing Into us, man, where we start to run dry. And that's when this, weight gets heavier. That's when the things get harder the joints start to atrophy. And we move through molasses instead of efficiently.

[00:23:34] Hector: Yeah. You know, self care is like a, it's interesting that like, Oh, how do you do self care? It's like, Oh, we get punched in the face and strangled. It's like, okay, it makes sense. But it's, something that should be a bigger part of the discussion. and I also think that in adding into this discussion, like for sure, I love Going to like, I think you're right, jujitsu and working out and cold plunging and like all of these things that are very hard is part of self care.

[00:24:01] Hector: And I also like to go and get a massage. it's like, it's nice to get a massage or, you know, saunas can be sort of on the fine line. or like, I like going and getting a manicure pedicure with my daughter, like, it feels nice to have someone rubbing my fingers like that.

[00:24:16] Hector: Like, I don't know him. Is that weird? It's like, that's restorative for me.

[00:24:21] Ted: it's called range, man,

[00:24:23] Ted: men need range. Y'all need to hear me, men need range, bro. You know, you could be warrior in the garden. You know what I love about anime and what I love about Japanese culture, just in general, the samurai. It is one of the, in my opinion, one of the most perfect depictions of masculinity.

[00:24:44] Ted: I will cut your head off with extreme position, like with extreme accuracy and precision. I will cut your head off, but hold on, let me trim my bonsai tree, the lethalness and the gentleness within that, right? Is the perfect balance of masculinity. It's range, bro. You get that mani pedi and you get that drink with the umbrella in it.

[00:25:09] Ted: You put your pinky out

[00:25:10] Hector: Well, there's a lot, there's a line. Well, I'll try it. but yeah, I see where you're going.

[00:25:15] Ted: Liz, I'm just, I'm painting the picture, but then you go out on the mat and you, you choke a mug out. Right. You have the viciousness, you have the violence and you have the love you have the rain from one to the other. And I think I call it the seasons of life. A lot of us are eating dull chicken, dull chicken, right?

[00:25:33] Ted: We're talking about the holidays. You're going to go over so and so's house or whatnot. It's like this better be seasoned. don't think you and I have that problem talking to more of my fair skinned listeners and watchers out there. Make sure the food is seasoned. But yeah, It's the seasons of life, man.

[00:25:49] Ted: it's the good and the bad, right? It's the salt. It's the flavor. The ability to love and the ability for violence, something that's within us. And I'm learning, you can hear some of the Carl Young influence there of embracing the shadow. the dark part of me is in the Muay Thai and in the aspect is also knowing that I have something I care wholeheartedly about, that it scares me what I would do if something would hurt that. But instead of being afraid, I embrace it because I know that's also what allows me to protect it.

[00:26:19] Hector: Yeah. This concept of like the warrior poet is, is a really good. definitely not a new concept, but the concept that we, you know, you're a few years older than me, but you got that same sort of depiction of men, which was like, I call it like this declawing masculinity where anything that was violent was essentially criminal.

[00:26:40] Hector: that's what my parents sort of equated. They're like, you know, if you do wrestling, cause that's violent, like you're going to end up in jail. And also to their point, I don't know what percentage, but a significant percentage of their network, growing up ended up incarcerated.

[00:26:56] Hector: There was like real fear of like, they didn't want their kids going down that path. Okay, fine. So they swung so far the other way that, you know, it left me as like a 20 something year old guy, essentially feeling defenseless or feeling helpless and also having this weird.

[00:27:20] Hector: underlying stigma or like programming that going to Muay Thai or going to jujitsu or going to do like, so it was somehow wrong or was somehow evil or was like, there was this, sort of thing that I had to like, get over with, like, why didn't I want, what am I afraid of? Like all these sorts of, fears and insecurities that I think are, probably lying in the subconscious of a lot of guys out there.

[00:27:45] Ted: Yeah, I mean, if we don't learn to be strong, we risk becoming desperate and there's very few things more dangerous than a desperate man. The strength we cultivate is what allows us to navigate. And I did not mean to rhyme right there, but you can go ahead and clip this and send it to me. I think I just was on one, but it's cultivating the strength because how many times do we watch, and I don't know if you can hear my daughter crying in the background. This dad life, right? this is raw. This is real. This modern masculinity we're talking on,

[00:28:17] Hector: Yeah.

[00:28:19] Ted: Cultivating that strength, isn't a bad thing. And to your point, I grew up. In the same vein, bro. Hector, man, I was afraid of my strength for a long time. I remember one of the things that I had to really unpack was the most devastating loss I had was in wrestling.

[00:28:36] Ted: Cause I remember the night before my mom purposely made food that would put me overweight for. My wrestling match and I'm arguing with her that night. I don't make weight the next day. I have to lose my weight before the match. I go into the match. I lose the match and I just remember I was like, I can't fight everybody.

[00:28:55] Ted: I can't fight my parents while trying to fight in the, because she didn't want me to do wrestling. And I, bottled all that up. And because of that closed up that side of the physical capacity that I had, then you feel weak. You feel desperate. You feel like a victim. It spirals, bro. Instead of, Hey, I have two hands. I have a mind and I have some cojones to get after it. And go for something, a semblance of what I want in life, right? Let me just start taking control little by little. Let me control the time I wake up, or let me control the weights that I'm going to lift, or let me control saying no to some people, because I've been saying yes to a lot of people, and you know what?

[00:29:42] Ted: Let me get a backbone, and you know what? No. It might not be a hell no, but it's not a hell yeah, so, no. And let me understand myself a little bit more and find out what Ted wants. And when I stuck to my backbone and I started getting the things that I wanted out of life, it helped me tap into that strength more and more to actually get the outcomes that I, wanted.

[00:30:06] Ted: And sooner or later, you're no longer the victim. You are now competent. You are capable. And again, if we don't learn to be strong, we risk becoming desperate. And if you're desperate, you do things that are. Not always moral.

[00:30:21] Hector: Yeah, for sure. going back to this range thing, like that, strong and that strength, like there's, a spectrum of what that sort of, you know, looks like I've, I've sort of had to wrestle with, what is masculinity, what does that look like?

[00:30:37] Hector: And it's like, the thing that keeps coming back is that there is no One shade. It's like asking, like, what's the best color? It's What's the best food? It's like, there's we now there are some, there are some top fives, there's a Mount Rushmore, there are some all time greats.

[00:30:53] Hector: And there are some things, you know, in which to, to shoot for or some, ideal categories. But ultimately, we have to take ownership Of what that looks like for us and I, that for me was a lot different than what it looks like for my dad or what it looked like for anyone in my family or even, what it looks like for a lot of even the typical, like, I think you and I had to like really define what our own flavor of masculinity is.

[00:31:21] Hector: And, and I think that's why we have, you know, some of the shows that we do.

[00:31:24] Ted: I agree, man. back to the journey. You know, it's a journey. It's a process. And experiential. This is what has worked for me. There's so many gurus or people out there that's going to say, Hey, this is it. This is how it goes. Listen, different strokes for different folks. This is what has worked for me.

[00:31:42] Ted: This is what has helped bring peace to me. And I think You and I being intuitive, curious men have pulled on this thread and pulled on the string because we are exploring that what is masculinity, what is a man in today's day and age?

[00:31:57] Hector: Well, I'm, I think this is where you're going, but I'm curious, you know, you're in the trenches a little bit more than I am. You know, I'm in the, in the elementary school trenches, if you will, but you're in there with men and you've got your own group, you know, working with, guys on a daily and sort of a weekly basis.

[00:32:11] Hector: And I guess my curiosity, if, there's a way to direct the question is like, what skills do you think that they are, are sort of missing my, My hope, my attempt with this show is to sort of preemptively give guys the perspective, the awareness, and then also the skills so that when shit does hit the fan, they're like, Oh, I'm, prepared in at least the ways that I can.

[00:32:39] Hector: I mean, there's no real ways to prepare for something like fatherhood or marriage or things like that. But at least if you have the skill set to approach those sorts of things, I think those guys are a little bit more prepared. Are there certain skill sets or perspectives and mindsets and habits even that you find guys are really Either drawn to picking up even maybe even needing today, given sort of where the world is and where guys are at.

[00:33:08] Ted: Yeah, great question. And I'd say it's, pretty much how I've structured the pillars of the noble knights. the four things that come to mind is, efficiency, efficiency, Health, leadership, curiosity, efficiency. spoke a lot about efficiency and my productivity, my time management. You could have all the goals in the world.

[00:33:28] Ted: You could have all the things that you want to do, but if you don't have efficiency, if you don't have a way of doing it, you're going to be overwhelmed and good luck. managing all of that healthy. A lot of us as men neglect our health. A lot of the guys put health on the back burner because they're chasing success, right?

[00:33:44] Ted: And sometimes it's not the true success. So attention to health, movement, food, diet, things that you're putting into your body. That's the second Pillar. I think we really would need to focus on. And then leadership is just an overall arching umbrella on leadership of self for relationships and management if you're in a leadership role at work.

[00:34:05] Ted: But at the very least, you are a leader of your own life. First and foremost, take responsibility for what's right around you and then step into the leadership role of who you are. And the way you gain influence over others is by managing self. Well, so leadership is all about starting with self in order to influence others in a positive way, which will echo in the relationships that you have with others.

[00:34:25] Ted: And then the curiosity part is consistent. Grow. Resourcefulness is another way to put into that pillar with the curiosity is your growth will increase your resourcefulness, increase your net worth, you increase your skill set and your ability to make money because all that will chunk together when aimed in.

[00:34:43] Ted: Your specific purpose, if there's one thing I think that the men need or the guys kept coming to the calls have that or what they're chasing is. What is my role in life? What is my role in this world? what is the mission I fulfill? And what is the task at hand? We are very literal thinkers.

[00:35:02] Ted: Like Hector, if I gave you a blueprint and say, okay, this is what you need to do. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I'm sure you do this with your clients. When it comes to podcasting, you're just like, Hey, here's the blueprint. Here's the playbook. Here's the step by step let's go. Right. We're very systemized.

[00:35:15] Ted: And we think like that. So we need to know what Our role is what the mission is, and if we know what the mission is, put those four pillars to work, be efficient, stay healthy. So you operate more efficiently, lead yourself and the people around you into that and continue to pull the resources and be curious.

[00:35:31] Ted: So you grow in towards that direction. You put those four things together towards that north star, that straight purpose that you need. Watch out. And I get emotional and I get very sure you could hear the passion in my voice because, like, that's been the secret. That's what I've kind of wish I had the aha moment at the 22 year old Ted, 25 year old Ted was Ted craft, the kind of person that you want to be craft who you want to be.

[00:35:55] Ted: Sit with yourself long enough to know what that looks like and then build the skills of processes and be that person now and work towards it day in and day out. Don't get married to the destination, commit to the process into the journey and it's not gonna happen tomorrow. It's not gonna happen next year, but 345 years.

[00:36:12] Ted: Yeah. Watch out as you're going to start to make progress because we will overestimate what we could do in a year, but we will drastically underestimate what we can do in a decade. And the compounding interest is what we need to stay in it long enough to see.

[00:36:24] Hector: Yeah, it's a really good framework. I've always struggled with a lot of, you know, frameworks in terms of trying to blend both the personal and professional, you know, aspects of it. Personally, I have all these priorities and professionally, I have all these priorities and a lot of, you know, systems or just like you said, frameworks don't account for, okay, if I've got all these priorities on one side and then all these priorities on the other, that those don't always mesh up.

[00:36:50] Hector: But if you can, integrate your life. You know, and that's, what I've tried to call this masculinity is like, you know, integrated masculinity. It's not, toxic. It's not passive, but it's integrated. and that's a lot of what you've, you're kind of talking about is, is finding a way for you to layer over everything that you do your, work life, your professional life.

[00:37:10] Hector: Cause I think as men, we can't, discount that. I read a post today and the guy was like pulling in 200 grand a year. Yeah. Just on, you know, passively on his assets and, you know, some royalties that he was doing. And so he was home just playing video games and just eating edibles all day.

[00:37:30] Hector: And his wife came home now granted, he makes like two to three times as much as her, Without, you know, doing anything, you know, pays all the bills, does all the things, whatever, and she comes home and is like calling him, you know, lazy and, is upset with him about it. And it's a problem and friction in the relationship.

[00:37:46] Hector: And, I'm not there to say anybody's right in either of those things, only to say that. Like as men, it matters what, we're doing and creating at some point to some people. And so it's just, you offer a great lens to sort of blend all of that so it can all come together as one.

[00:38:05] Ted: The money was never the goal. All right. I mean, that's the thing. The money was never the goal. It's freedom. Men, we want to be free and we identify money as being that release because it gives us options. it opens up doors. It gives us access, right? But what it also does, it can give us golden handcuffs.

[00:38:24] Ted: And there are some people who chase the bag and they chase the money. They have success, their success, and then their job becomes the burden. Or the person that you just described makes all that money. You chase the rabbit and you caught it. And guess what? Now, what? you still have yourself, you make this money doing nothing.

[00:38:44] Ted: Now what? I remember when my dad was retiring. He was not excited. He's like, I don't want to retire. Why not dad? Like you, you made it. I didn't understand it. Now I do. My dad enjoyed what he did. And a lot of us, we get jobs in the modern world. I have the podcast, the modern man. The problem I think is as the modern men, we chase the title.

[00:39:06] Ted: And we identify ourselves with the title instead of integrating our expertise. Now, not to say that we don't have these traditional jobs if we don't connect the job with the value that fills up our hearts will feel unfulfilled. So if I'm speaking to a lawyer and let's say their business lawyer helping people incorporate, they might not be in love with being the lawyer doing all the paperwork, but they might be in love with helping people bring their dreams to life. And their specific action of facilitating the legal documents of articles of organization is how you give this person the freedom to fly. And you wake up early with the fresh paper, probably the nice thick paper to the ones that don't flail in the wind. Cause you really care about your job. You're doing the extra stuff.

[00:39:54] Ted: You do all that because you're like, I'm not just handing you a paper that says LLC on it. I'm handing you your future. I'm handing you the legacy for your kids. I'm giving you something more than just a piece of paper. It's like, I'm sure you heard the medieval, cathedral bricklayer story to bricklayers in the medieval times interviewed by someone on the street.

[00:40:15] Ted: What are you doing? I'm busting my back building this darn church. The other guy, what are you doing? I'm being part of this massive thing. That's going to stand thousands and thousands of years. It's not always the specific things that we're doing is if we don't connect it to our values of something that fills us up, we're going to be unfulfilled.

[00:40:32] Ted: No matter how much money we make no matter how much money is in the bank or what the title says, that's why what fills me up in the relationship is my wife looking at me saying, thank you. I can't quantify that. I can't deposit that at Bank of America. They'll laugh at me. I can't pay off my credit card bill at Chase with the thank you, but that's what fills me up more so than the money that comes in.

[00:40:53] Ted: I

[00:40:54] Hector: Well, Ted, this has been a fantastic, encore around too. If people want to go deeper with you. Get connected, find out more about the noble knights and such. Where's the best place for people to go?

[00:41:07] Ted: appreciate the opportunity, man. Themodernmanpodcast. com, that has all the links there. And Instagram, we're at themodernmanpodcast. You can find me on Instagram as well, or on LinkedIn. Look up the modern man podcast, all those platforms and the modern man podcast slash the noble knights for the men listening.

[00:41:24] Ted: Would love to have you check out the community networking community. It's free to join. So, that's an invite for all the listeners, all the guys, if they're looking for a spot to take the conversation further.