640 Pounds and Broken: One Man's Fight to Save Himself with Adam Boyd

Adam [00:00:00] So our brain. There's a bunch of little creeks that split when we learn something new. And the more splitting they do, the more knowledge we retain and the better we get at these hard choices because they just become normal, because we've lived in such that scared mentality when really it's creating new patterns and behaviors,

Hector Adam, welcome to the Modern Masculinity Podcast. Thanks for being here, man.

Adam Thanks for having me, man. I really appreciate it.

Hector Take us into your world. We're gonna talk about your journey, that you've, gone through and, and sort of the, the challenges that you've overcome there. But on, the other side of that, on the other side of that, Weight loss weight. What are, what are some of the challenges, some of the frustrations, some of the load you're still carrying? as a man, a father, a partner, any of the roles that you might play.

Adam I think, coming from an environment where I didn't have a lot of, uh, there wasn't a lot of knowledge on how to like push forward and, being a parent, [00:01:00] you know, being.

Adam Positive in regards to, you know, just trying to be the best dad possible. There was never, like a lot of, I never got a lot of insight on it. You know, family to me, was something that I kind of had to create more than what I was born into. So as we're creating this family and I, you know, I have four children and the involvement of, of being a dad, I, I guess I kind of wish I had a little bit more.

Adam Insight from people around me, if that makes sense.

Hector give us a little bit of the background and, of set the stage for, what life was like before your, transformation and then we'll get into some of the, you know, some of the things that you, you went through and how, how you were able to, achieve such a radical transformation.

Adam So I have always had a food addiction. you know, since I was younger, like very young, I was a big kid. I was, you know, 300 pounds at age 13. [00:02:00] from there, I never really got into alcohol or anything like that until like my mid twenties. when I found alcohol to be such a relief system for me, where it, for the.

Adam The good part of 10 years. It, it really turned my brain off for a lot of things, that, ah, feeling, you know, when the, when it hits you, you know, and I, I think from there, I, I became addicted to that feeling of numbing out. And from there, gambling played a, a very strong point in that as well. And then, of course, food, because it's like the binging didn't stop with the alcohol or the food.

Adam Or the gambling, it was all just kind of a, a real, it was almost catastrophic, right. For myself.

Hector Was there a moment, or was it a series of moments that sort of highlighted that this was a direction that you needed to shift or that there was a, a change that you [00:03:00] needed to make?

Adam when these things kind of come, they, they don't come like in the movies, you there's not like a raw moment where you're like, this is it.

Adam I'm gonna, this is my rocky moment. I'm gonna run through the streets and box myself up the stairs, you know, and the triumph. I think for myself, it was to the point where like, I couldn't walk more than 10, 20 steps without being winded. Extreme back pain. I had an injury in 2019 where I, I broke my tailbone, and that's kind of what, what really put me into the position of gaining the weight so fast.

Adam you know, so like not being able to walk very much anymore was, becoming a thing. I mean, being absolutely gassed, walking up a flight of stairs was very scary for me. I am a hypochondriac, I'm very like, body sensitive, so I, you know, the slightest murmur of something or a, a different pain or a headache, and it catapults me into thinking that it's the end of my life kind of [00:04:00] thing.

Adam Again, these are all things that I've learned over the years are anxiety binding things that I've done to try to cope with how chaotic my life's been. And I, I think just. Wanting to have enough of that was, was really my, like, we're gonna make a change. But it wasn't so much as like a, like a positive, like, yeah, we're gonna do this.

Adam It was like, this is it for me, or like, I'm gonna die trying.

Hector I'm curious for you What you leaned on, what resources, what things sort of helped, you know, pull you out of that place? I think that there's, if I know anything about my story, there is a, A place mentally where we're at, and then there's a place, you know, physically or sort of externally where we're at.

Hector And sometimes the two sync up. and sometimes, one lags behind the other in the sense of, you know, some guys, they make it look like they have it all put together, but inside they're crumbling and you know, they tend to. it seems to follow each other, in one sense.

Hector And so, I'm curious for [00:05:00] you, you know, what were some of the things that allowed you to move out of that place, both mentally and, physically, but, more so from an external standpoint.

Adam I lived in fear for a long time in my life. I don't know if, other guys have this issue.

Adam I'm sure they do. They just don't wanna talk about it. so from when I was a little boy, I grew up in a very chaotic house, that was kind of rapid with addictions. And from there I kind of had to be the spokesperson for myself and my little brother who is autistic as well. So he's nonverbal.

Adam So. From a very young age, I, I learned how to kind of thrive in chaos. And I think from there, that brought on a lot of fear-based environmental things for me because, even when I would be in school, I never could like focus. And I have EDD, I've had it since I was diagnosed with it since I was six.

Adam But, no one really ever [00:06:00] took the time. For Adam, so to speak. And when I did find those kind of people that did it, it was kind of like on the wrong side of the track, so to speak. I think as, as the world moved on and I, I grew up, I really had to learn the fact that like other people's opinions of me didn't matter.

Adam I had to stop trying to fill everyone else's cup for some self-fulfillment that I was looking for when I wasn't getting that. I really had to learn that, you know, Adam comes first in a lot of things and I had a hard time, I don't wanna say being selfish, but even like acknowledging the fact that I, I was able to put myself first in situations because I crave

Adam The sense of belonging. I crave the sense of, feeling needed and wanted. And I think that, once I go out over that hurdle of like, Hey man, we're gonna put it all out there and if we're judged, if we're made fun of, if people take it a certain way, it is what it is. We [00:07:00] can't really rely on people's opinions to get us through our life anymore because.

Adam It wasn't working for me. I was so concerned about being perceived a certain way that I didn't want to be who Adam was. And when I was in therapy years ago, my counselor used to ask me like, who is Adam? If you take the booze away, if you take away certain social things, who is he? And I never knew who he was, and I think that.

Adam Once I started to really open up my life and sit in the anxiety of like how it messed up my life had been and truly start to heal, that is kind of when I had that like waking moment where like, I didn't care what other people thought anymore.

Hector And so when it was all said and done, what was the total number of, I don't even know how you measure it or quantify it, but when you, you know, look back, what was the summation of your transformation?

Adam Sure. Like, I'm still like, in the middle of it right now. I'm not even close to being done yet. we're [00:08:00] 13 months in to this, I think, on Friday it's gonna be 58 weeks.

Adam I don't even know kind of where the future holds for me. I know that as I sit right now, week 58, I'm still sober. I haven't had a drop of alcohol. I've lost 158 pounds so far. I still battle with my anxiety. it's not as frequent as it used to be. I'm learning how to sit in the cut, so to speak for my life where like I'm taking things as they come day by day instead of like a month, a year, five years in advance.

Adam I'm just taking today as today, and every day kind of compounds itself into. Small victories, you know,

Hector it makes me wonder, you know, 158 pounds is, you lost basically what? I, you know, all of me. So it is a, huge feat. I'm not saying you have huge feet. That's not what, what I'm saying

Adam size thirteens buddy.[00:09:00]

Hector I would imagine that, that was as much of an internal, battle, an internal challenge, as it was actually, going out and, doing the, physical activity to do that. would you agree with that regard? Or, was it simply an external sort of challenge and battle with, just doing the work?

Hector And, calories in, calories out sort of thing.

Adam So I actually, um, used GLP ones to, help catapult my, my weight loss. So I am, I was on Ozempic for one year, now I'm on Wegovy. just it's a higher dose. I think what helped me really this time was, It helped turn the noise off in my brain that I could, I wasn't consumed about what other people thought about my program, so I was able to live for Adam and just figure out what Adam needed to do instead of worrying about what I thought [00:10:00] I was gonna be perceived of.

Adam Because like, for, for like two years, my doctor tried to get me to take Ozempic and I was scared. I was, you know, I had this image that I was gonna take the shot and I, I would just drop dead. I had this image that it was gonna make me go crazy. Like I, and I don't even know, I just, I didn't even start drinking alcohol to my mid twenties, you know, so like, this is something for me that, you know, to put something into my body that, could really change my.

Adam My whole life. But again, when I was eating poorly, I didn't give a shit, excuse my language, but like, I didn't, I didn't really care. I just, I was using food for comfort. When the food wasn't enough, it was gambling. When it wasn't gambling, it was booze. When I started combining everything, that's when things got to the point where I got to 640 pounds.

Adam So like, I needed the help, you know? And, um. Ozempic really changed my [00:11:00] life, you know, and that's kind of how, yeah, I, I, I'm doing the work, like I'm, I'm getting the, 10,000 steps a day. I'm eating at a calorie deficit now. I'm not drinking alcohol. I'm doing all the, proper steps, but the mindset was.

Adam Put on by that GLP one. It wasn't put on by, you know, my raw ability to lose weight, which, like, I'll admit to it, man, it's, it almost killed me, my weight. my addictions to alcohol. So I needed to, in a sense, cheat, I guess. And that's, that's, I used, I used the tools.

Hector Yeah. I mean, I, I think it's an interesting conversation is it cheating?

Hector I mean, I, I, I don't think so. I think like, to your point, it's just, it's using the, the tools that are available to you and, and no, despite that, I think that there's still an identity. Shift that needs to happen, perhaps even at an accelerated rate because, at a certain point we're, we're gonna do [00:12:00] things that sort of coincide with, with our identity and perhaps these tools make it easier to, you know, adopt a new one.

Hector But I, I gotta imagine that, that there's still a process in taking on this new identity as opposed to. Snapping back or going back or, or finding other ways to sort of sabotage yourself into staying the same,

Adam Yeah. I, I just like the old way wasn't working. my mindset wasn't strong enough to handle eating a calorie deficit every day.

Adam My mindset wasn't strong enough to go out. And do the exercising and not cheat or go get drunk. You know what I mean? Like, I just, I wasn't able to do it. And I got tired of faking the funk, telling people that I was gonna do it and lying about it. I got tired of living in this fabrication that everything was gonna be okay 'cause it wasn't gonna be.

Adam It was on a downhill spiral very quickly. to the point where, I was [00:13:00] losing even relationships with my children. I was losing that. didn't have a job. I was, you know, borrowing money from people to go get fucked up. Like, where's the life there, you know?

Adam And, um. I guess my, like if I had a rock bottom moment would've been when I was living in a trailer on the outskirts of town where I lived. you know, did I think it was that bad? No, it was rock bottom, but it was a place for me to like, I was able to really sit my own thoughts and understand like, Hey, what you've been doing is not working and.

Adam No one's going to be able to come save you but yourself. So I had to learn that and, I had to be alone to figure that out. Right. And I, I had to be completely morally broken in order to, come to terms with that and to kind of give myself to the idea that I not only took myself to being broken, but I was gonna be the one to save myself too.

Hector Yeah.

Hector These arenas, if you [00:14:00] will, to sort of prove ourselves, you know, sometimes it's the, it's the health and the physical arena. Sometimes it's the relationships arena. Sometimes it's the money, business arena. we're sort of given these, like a spiritual. Challenge, right? This, this, this, wholly and, and divine sort of obstacle that looks like it's the worst thing in the world, but actually is the best thing for us because it creates all opportunities that you're talking about. And it opens up, you know, our eyes to, to what we're missing essentially.

Adam Yeah. You know, you, you gotta walk through the fire to, get to the other side. Right. And, I heard a saying years ago where they talked about how, I think it was, I wanna say it was cows or buffalo or something. But when a storm comes, all the animals run like away from the storm. And, I wanna say it was buffalo, but I, I bison maybe, or, uh, it was something like that.

Adam But these animals run [00:15:00] towards the storm because they know on the other end of it, it's gonna be clear pasture, you know? And I think for myself, I had to stop running away from these ideas that how I was going to be perceived. And I had to just put myself into it and figure it out. And. I had to sit in the anxiety, you know, and doing that, it truly saved my life.

Adam But, you know, also it was being vulnerable too, right? Like a lot of, a lot of people aren't ready to do what I did with, you know, going online in a, in. position where you're judged upon your appearance on social media and you're judged about how fool you are because you don't like a post, or you don't follow something, or you don't reshare something because it's not trendy or not cool, nevermind going on there and basically telling your followers and people around the world that follow you, that you're.

Adam 640 [00:16:00] pounds and you want to die and you need to do this to change your life and save yourself. Not a lot of people do that. You know what I mean? So for me, it was like I didn't have another option. I wasn't gonna lie to another person about the scale. You know? Like, oh yeah, I'm 340 pounds. Yeah, no, you're 540 pounds.

Adam Why are you lying? or I would do this thing where I'd see another big guy and I'd ask somebody with me like, oh, am I that big? Do I look like that? And you know, of course people lie, they're like, no, man, you're way smaller than that guy. You look great. You look great. But, it was the people around me who were like, no, man.

Adam Like, you're bigger than that guy. Like, we gotta make a change. You know? So I'm grateful for that, but I'm also at the point where, you know, I, I had to jump in head first and see where we were gonna go. And I, I'm living proof that it works, you know?

Hector there's a time limit on how long we can be delusional.

Hector there's a streak of window on that. and if we don't, you know, come to, [00:17:00] to reckon with the realities. than reliable to suffer the consequences. And I'm, I'm realizing that too. And I think a lot of it is just at least in my experience, for me, speaking for me in my sample size of one, it's my unwillingness to sort of wanna make the tough decisions or sit in the uncomfortable things or do the uncomfortable things or, it's sort of just staying in, in this, What ends up being just mediocrity, you know, is what it sort of ends up becoming. the interesting thing is it doesn't feel like that in the moment. It feels, comfortable. It feels, safe and that just turns into this, um, you know, it turns into a nightmare eventually.

Adam hundred percent, hard things now make it easy later and easy things now make it hard later, and that is a thousand percent true. I kind of sat in this comfort zone for a long time where, you know, I wasn't really being honest about myself or how I was feeling, or, or [00:18:00] that, and that got me to 640 pounds, man.

Adam that got me to a serious alcohol problem that got me to, you know, wanting to kill myself. You know, that, got me to a whole bunch of places that, uh, looking back on it now, I, that's how sad I was. And I wish someone had come and saved me and nobody ever comes. You know, you have to be the one to save yourself at making the hard decisions now.

Adam But if you make easy now, that's harder later.

Hector The challenge that I experience. I think I've been conditioned to think, oh, let me put in the hard the, effort and it's gonna be hard for a period of time, and then all of a sudden it's gonna be rainbows and daisies as opposed to what I've learned in reality is that it's going to continue to be hard.

Hector we have to stay in that place. And it's, about finding, comfort, you know? Continuing to do the difficult [00:19:00] things, because it's like, it seems like that, that it's that moment of letting up that allows for us to sink into that mediocrity, you know? And so, that's been a big shift for me in just seeing my subconscious think like, oh, if you do this now, it's gonna be easier later.

Hector And it's like, hmm, we might get better, but I don't think it's ever gonna get easy.

Adam No, and that's, the reality of it. It never does. We just get stronger, your mental ability becomes, more sharper because you understand it. you know, I am reading a book, by Chase Hughes about how kind of your brain patterns, how we, how we learn new behaviors and how we learn to like the discipline of things in our mind.

Adam And when you really focus on something, when you're trying to learn to do something different and it feels that very uncomfortable feeling, your brain actually splinters and creates new pathways of like, The way I make it sound, make it, make it it sound normal in my head, [00:20:00] is like when you're walking in the woods and you see a creek, and then that creek splinters off into another little creek and all these run off and then they end up coming into the river that go to the ocean.

Adam So our brain. There's a bunch of little creeks that split when we learn something new. And the more splitting they do, the more knowledge we retain and the better we get at these hard choices because they just become normal, because we've lived in such that scared mentality when really it's creating new patterns and behaviors, right?

Hector Yeah. part of the thing I think for me it recently is the, the feeling like I have to do it all on my own, I've been so a surprised, but also like a, a huge sense of gratitude for the community and sort of village that has, stepped up. That's a weird word to use, but like, has, been there for me when I've sort of called them, whether it's my [00:21:00] parents and the kids or, I think they've just been a huge help recently with, with that whole thing.

Hector But it's, it's like, oh. sitting here trying to do it all on my own when that's like trying to swim up, upstream or run uphill. has community or, you know, a support system, how has that sort of played a role in your transformation?

Adam I have, um, so like over the last three and a half years, I've, created quite a relationship with a friend of mine who's, you know, we talk every day.

Adam you know, and he teaches me things about, philosophy, psychology, kind of like, essentially like. Being a man, right? And, I lost my dad, 12 years ago to esophagal cancer. And from there, that opened up a whole new wound because I, I never really had like, I want to say like a father.

Adam Role model figure. My dad and I, we didn't get along for a long time in my life. I was, I was the unseen kid that, [00:22:00] got into trouble very young and he didn't like that. And I left home at a very early age. I was 15 years old when I left home. And through all the whirlwinds of life, I've only really connected with a handful of guys and,

Adam You know, this one individual is, you know, it's, it's hard love, but it's also when you look past the hard love and you see the genuine in it, I think that really it goes to show that like anybody. Can truly change their life with the right people around them. And you know, I need men like that to be kind of stern to me, but like I don't take it personally anymore, if that makes sense.

Adam I used to take everything personally. Someone would say something to me and I would be like, what did I miss? What did I screw up on? What does that mean about me? I totally forgot about the fact of like, well, I didn't forget. I, I honestly never knew at first. I just took everything at face value.

Adam But, um, we're not the only ones that are screwed up. [00:23:00] Everybody is fighting their own problems that we don't even think about when we're interacting with people. And I think once you remember that. I think it's a lot easier to like learn how to stand on your own, but also ask for help. And I think with men it's a big disconnect because a lot of guys don't want to ask for help.

Adam A lot of guys are scared to sit in that like, oh, what's this guy gonna think of me? And I, and I think, that's why men have the issue with, Killing themselves more than women do. You know, because guys get into this zone where they feel they can turn to no one, and then they end up just taking their own lives.

Adam I've been there where I felt like I had no other choice but to end my life, and luckily I wasn't able to do that. But I, I've been where a lot of guys have been that are scared to ask for help and I think, again, being vulnerable and putting it all out there is Is the only way to do it. I really, I really feel that way because, I have friends who are, [00:24:00] are, you know, they have changed their, their lives with weight and lost a lot of weight and they run a different program and, you know, we're all fighting battles that, nobody knows, you know.

Adam And I think the more that we're honest with our internal part of like. I'm fucked up man. Yeah. I need help. Yeah. I'm sad. I'm, I'm having issues this, that, once we're more honest with that, with other people, it's when we can start really getting past all the BS and, and truly work on saving each other, you know?

Adam Does that make sense?

Hector Yeah. it's one of the reasons that we, that I've continued to do this show is the. people call it vulnerability. I, I don't know that I agree with that word. 'cause there's, it's a loaded word, you know, transparency seems to be a, appropriate word where in that transparency, you know, guys are able to find solidarity, you know, because By sharing these things. It's actually not, it's, it's not a vulnerable thing, it's actually the [00:25:00] opposite. most of the times if you share something, people are gonna go at worst. They're like, maybe they'll say that's kind of weird, but most of the time they're gonna be like, I've resonate with that, or I relate to that, or I, I.

Hector Go through that same sort of thing. and most of the time it ends up creating an opportunity for people to grow closer together. because we're all, we're not that different, you know, in the things that we're doing.

Adam you're absolutely right, man. that's actually a good way to look at it.

Adam You know, I, I guess I think of it more as a vulnerability because it's like. I know what it's like to be judged for being different. You know, like when you're fat, your whole life, you're just, you're automatically looked at as lazy. You're automatically looked at as, you're a loser, you're automatic, like all this, these stereotype things.

Adam And I think, when you get a, you know, like, everyone's like, oh, like you're very, like, people say, oh, you're a very kind person. I am very kind, you know, but I work in a sales industry where like I do a lot of sales over the phone. Like I, I help clients buy. Cars where I never even meet them. [00:26:00] Now, when I go to up a customer on our sales floor, automatically I feel like I'm at a disadvantage.

Adam I used to feel like that all the time. Like, oh, instead of me being concernable what that customer's needs are, I'm thinking, oh, what are they thinking about me? How are they perceiving me? Are they looking at the fact that my shirt is unbuttoned at the bottom? Are they looking at the stain on my shirt?

Adam And the, it goes through my mind instead of just being present about the fact that we're trying to sell them a car. And I think being open and honest with like how I'm doing these things now is helping me not be so concerned about what other people view me as and more as, uh, staying in the moment of what's happening and it's helping me heal, so to speak.

Hector Yeah. You know, 150 pounds later. And you said you don't know where, what the future holds for you, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna try and hold your, thir size 13 feet to the flames here. what does that new identity sort of encapsulate [00:27:00] or how far out have you sort of dreamed of in terms of the transformation and, and how far you know, can it go?

Adam The goal is 300 pounds. the goal is getting, skin removal surgery. The goal is be a new person. Like, I don't know what it's like to be 250 pounds. You know what I mean? I don't know what it's like to be that, to be like that. you know, as for like, I guess the transition into this, I feel like I'd like to help others.

Adam I'd love to, to sit, you know, for instance, like yesterday afternoon, it's a perfect example. I'm, my mom's in the hospital right now and I was driving to see her and I was chatting with a friend of mine on the phone and, they were having a full blown panic attack, like, full blown.

Adam And, kept telling me like, Hey, you know, like you don't need to sit through this. Like you can hang up And, I know that feeling of being so riddled with anxiety, [00:28:00] panic, and feeling like I'm gonna die, where like, I wish someone was there to kind of walk me through it and like try to settle me where like I don't need to run around and, you know, panic at that point.

Adam You know, and we worked through it for, you know, 30 minutes and, You know, today I got a message saying like, you know, thank you very much for being there for me. And it made me realize that like, a lot of people in society don't really even care about what others are going through, and I've always kind of had that empathetic gene with people where I, I truly care.

Adam and I always really have, it takes a lot to make me not care. I don't wanna say like, I've been like a doormat, so to speak, but, you know, standing up for myself has been a hard thing my whole life too, you know? So I think what I'd like to do in the future is, to hopefully be present.

Adam With helping people overcome their objectives [00:29:00] with, you know, stress and anxiety. And I like, I don't know about being a counselor so much, but um, you know, kind of just using my experience to, teach others that you can get through this, it's going to work out. I know it's hard now, but it's not gonna be hard forever.

Adam And I'd really like to put that on like a full scale front where I. I'm somebody that people could turn to to help them save their lives.

Hector Yeah, that's, that's amazing. I've got, two questions for us to wrap. The first is, I think a perfect segue. If, if people wanted to get more connected with you, find out about you, what you've got going on, where's the best place for people to go?

Adam I'm all over social media. big Adam 6 0 4 is my Instagram, Adam Boyd on Facebook. Adam's Weight Loss Journey, TikTok and YouTube. And, Instagram and Facebook are big for me and I'm in right in the middle of getting a website built. So, I'll be on there as well.

Hector Okay. We'll link all that up in the show notes for all of you guys.

Hector And last question here, Adam, [00:30:00] in your opinion, what is the, uh. What is your definition of modern masculinity?

Adam This right here, man, sitting here being open, having someone listen and kind of work not only with me, but create a platform where others can watch and understand that they're not alone.