When Trust Breaks: Betrayal and Business Warfare with Adam Lyons

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellas, what's going on? I hope this episode finds you well, and I hope this episode leaves you better than when it found you. Today's episode is with Adam Lyons, and he is a dating coach and someone whoI've known in a variety of contexts started following him back when he was, you know, helping business owners and entrepreneurs.

[00:00:48] Hector: And he's sort of grown into this role of helping guys, with their dating life. And a lot of guys who are perhaps a little bit older, not, we're not like. , old, but someone in their thirties or forties who oftentimes didn't think that they would be dating either again or still.

[00:01:04] Hector: And so we talk about, you know, some of the things that are going on and he gives some really great perspectives and, techniques and some cool things that you can do to instantly start to see some results in your dating world. So this is one guys that you are going to want to listen to a couple of times.

[00:01:20] Hector: So enough of me, let's get into today's episode with Adam Lyons.

[00:01:26] Hector: Adam, welcome to the Modern Masculinity Podcast. Thanks for being here, my man.

[00:01:31] Adam: Dude, thank you ever so much for having me. I appreciate it.

[00:01:33] Hector: Yeah, I've followed you for a while and I've seen you talk business stuff. I'm excited to have you on to talk guy stuff because this is especially, relevant for a lot of guys. and the question that we always start our guests with is not to share how amazing things are because I've seen the impact that you've been making, especially a lot of the success that you've had.

[00:01:54] Hector: Stories that you're having with, guys and you're traveling and, you know, things seem, to be going well, but even as a man at your stage in the game, both from a business and a partner and all these sorts of roles that we play, what sort of things are you still struggling with or juggling or, challenge with, these days?

[00:02:10] Adam: Yeah, it's a good one. betrayal. Betrayal is, the theme. And, in the last year, I've probably been betrayed by five people that I would have considered, People that I could trust who have committed fraud in my name, actively gone on a mission to destroy parts of my company, out of jealousy or, a desire to have what I have.

[00:02:34] Adam: and every time it cut like a knife and five people, even people that knew each other, it wasn't like a joined effort. You know, these people, most of them, like they vaguely knew of each other, but they weren't connected. These were five. Individual people who individually, acted out of some form of selfishness to steal, commit fraud, betray me however they were going to do it.

[00:02:56] Adam: And in every single time legally, I'm protected, right? Legally, but you have to question what I've been questioning is do they feel it's okay. And, talking about masculinity, something that's come up. I grew up in a project in the hood. so funny. was talking about this to a friend of mine.

[00:03:13] Adam: I was like, there's a part of me that feels that I haven't head butted enough people in America. Cause in England. People knew don't mess with that guy. I grew up in the hood. My dad did 20 years in jail for smuggling 34 million worth of cocaine. I come from that kind of family. And, don't get me wrong.

[00:03:31] Adam: I definitely got bullied in high school. That's not a question. but as I got into like my teenage years and I sort of like came into my own, there was no one that would mess with me and. And I was very violent for a long period of time. And I remember when I first came to America, a guy started a bar fight with me.

[00:03:49] Adam: And, and the problem is I don't look like I can fight, but I've been fighting since I was seven. you know, I got up to a green belt in judo. I did kickboxing for three years. I did Muay Thai for two years. I did JKD for two years, karate for two years. I did boxing for four years. I fought with weapons most of my life.

[00:04:05] Adam: I've competed internationally. I won an African stick fighting tournament. when I lived in Africa, I did an African stick fighting tournament. When I say I know how to fight, I mean, I'm. I'm really good at fighting. I have a, buddy of mine is a 10th degree black belt and he came over my house and we fought for two hours and he won one round.

[00:04:24] Adam: I fight and I fought most of my life, but in the last 10 years, all my fighting has been friendly sparring. I do a lot of fighting in armor with swords and shields. So I love that stuff. because, at 40, you get bruised, but you don't get beaten up too bad.

[00:04:40] Adam: So I'm like, I like that. that's fun. And I really enjoy it. but there was a part of me that was like, yeah, I got in this bar fight. They won. I came to America. And I had a guy on the ground and I mounted him and, I was like, choking him out and, it's fucking his head in the ground and everyone in the bar was like, that guy's nuts.

[00:04:57] Adam: And so my first few years in America, no one messed with me. Everyone was like, the guy's crazy. Like, don't he's got a temper problem. And it was cool. But since then, I kind of eased back. I became a dad and you don't do that stuff, right? You don't throw your weight around anymore. You become more. calm and, I've been on podcasts as well.

[00:05:15] Adam: And it's always funny. Cause everyone's like that guy can't fight. I'm sure. And I'm just like, I'm so down. I grew up fighting, like it's just a thing, And I've been thinking reflectively, so you asked a good question. I've been thinking reflectively, at the age of 43, I don't think I should be going around hitting anyone.

[00:05:29] Adam: Like, I think that's below me, But at the same time, how do five independent people think it's completely okay to do this? one of them was 120 grand. was not a small amount of money. so that's what I'm struggling with actively.

[00:05:43] Hector: boundaries are such a, don't know, such a poignant thing for me. And one of the things that's come up with on the show is it seemed like you're a product of the eighties and obviously a kind of a tough environment.

[00:05:54] Hector: I'm a product of the nineties and almost the exact opposite. and at least the people around me were really like, I call it D cloth. Like we were really not. Encouraged to, be rough. There was no rough and tumble. baseball over karate or boxing or wrestling, even, wrestling was look down on sport.

[00:06:12] Hector: And so now at the age of 30, I'm going the opposite way. I'm trying to find whatever that is. I saw a video recently that said, if you see a guy who, at the age of 30, just up and, starts Jiu Jitsu, like he's going through it and I'm like, that's me, you know, that's my life fell apart and I, started, training Jiu Jitsu a few times a week.

[00:06:29] Adam: Dude, I get it, man. Like, and that's the thing. Like I have never stopped training or fighting like ever. I just haven't. there was a moment I'll share a story. It's one of my favorites. I was 41. So this is like two years ago and I was a business mastermind. And one of my favorite business talks is.

[00:06:44] Adam: you got to know the rules to the game. And I was explaining that most people don't know the rules to business. you don't know. You think you know the rules, but you don't. and I give this example of when I joined the African stick fighting tournament. What happened was I was playing.

[00:06:57] Adam: I always keep weapons around me, by the way. So I've always got like some kind of silly weapon. So I like fiddling. I fidget with weapons, And so I was playing with this stick, which was the core. To a movie prop. I used to make movie props of swords. That was one of my first businesses. And so I'm playing with this weapon and this African worker came up to me in the factory.

[00:07:15] Adam: I was working in a place called pine town in South Africa. and the guy goes. How do you know how to do that? I'm like, what sword fight? You got a stick fight. I was like, no, it's sword fighting. Like I'm a professional champion. international rank sword fighting champion fencing. And he was like, I too am a champion.

[00:07:30] Adam: Do you want to fight? And I was like, yeah, I do. Next thing I know I'm downstairs outside the factory. I'm surrounded by 30 African workers going. Shaka, which is summoning the spirit of King Chaka into this dude who, and go on YouTube and watch African Stick fighting to see what I accidentally signed up for.

[00:07:48] Adam: I thought we were just gonna spar. This guy's got this stick, you know, he's like full power, like pulling it back and I'm like, fencing, right? And so he comes towards me and I tap him on the shoulder, like, get you buddy. And then, and hits me so hard on the leg. My leg collapses. And I'm like, Oh my God, this is full contact.

[00:08:08] Adam: Cause it didn't even, it didn't even occur to me that a sparring match could be full contact. But I'm in Africa. Of course it's full contact. So now I'm surrounded by these dudes. I'm like, I'm going to take this guy out. And I did. I won and I beat that reigning champion. And dude, I, I got so much respect when I was in Africa.

[00:08:26] Adam: But my point is you've got to know the rules to the game. You've got to know them. And I didn't know the rules. I said yes to the fight without knowing the rules. And I'm like, and in business, when you start a business, you say, yes, I'm going to start a business, but you don't know the rules until you learn.

[00:08:40] Adam: If you don't have like an MBA, if you haven't done that, you don't know the rules. So I have this whole lesson, these, the rules. So that night I'm hanging out in a green room with all the other speakers and the owner of the event's like, bro, can you really fight? And I'm like, yeah, I can really, why people think I can't fight.

[00:08:56] Adam: Yeah, I can fight because fighting is speed. Everyone thinks fight. Like if you're ripped like this, you're going to fight fighting speed. If you are fast and accurate, you are dangerous. and calculating this three components. I'm like, yeah. And he goes, can you beat that guy? And it's this 28 year old 6'2 guy who weighs 40 pounds more than me, right?

[00:09:16] Adam: And he's like, not fat, And I'm like, I don't know that guy. I don't, my whole talk is you gotta know the rules. I don't know him. Maybe. I don't know. and he goes, He's a purple belt in jiu jitsu. I was like, I still don't know. And he goes, he's a purple belt and he's bigger than you.

[00:09:30] Adam: I still don't know. And he goes, what do you need to know? I look at the guy, I'm like, bro, His name was Tom. Tom was his name. Tom. If Tom's watching Tom, you know who you are. and Tom's a really nice guy. Like jujitsu guys are really nice. Like I've done a little bit of jujitsu. I like it. I did enough that I could understand what I was doing in case I ever went to the ground.

[00:09:48] Adam: I grew up a street fighter. I don't like going to the ground, right? If I can avoid the ground, I'm going to avoid the ground. , I love saying this, I always carry a knife on me, I've had so many people after hearing stories like this randomly try and attack me, I'm just gonna warn you, if you randomly grab me, I am gonna randomly stab someone, and I've done it, I will do it, I've, no problem stabbing people, I, I'm good at it, , So this guy, I'm like, have you ever done any other martial arts? He's like, no, I was like, nothing else. He goes, nothing else. I'm like, all right, you ever been in a street fight? And he goes, no. And I look at my mate. I'm like, yeah, I can win. And he goes, whoa, you went from, I don't know, to I'm going to win.

[00:10:22] Adam: I was like, oh, it's guaranteed. I win this fight.

[00:10:25] Adam: So everyone in the room is like, there's going to be a fight now. My wife's downstairs at the time, by the way, I swear, if she was there, she'd have stopped this. Cause I was on a speaker's high after the event, I've been talking about fighting. I'm my adrenaline's running. I'm on testosterone nowadays because I had a stroke years ago.

[00:10:39] Adam: So they put me on testosterone. So I'm like legit on empty. So I'm like, yeah, let's go. 28 year old guy, you know, and the guy gets on his knees. And I'm like, Oh, I forgot jujitsu. You guys like being on the ground. I was like, I don't want to fight on the ground, I didn't say the rules. And so I owned it.

[00:10:55] Adam: I was like, I didn't specify the rules. And I was like, look, bro, because we didn't specify rules. I don't want to start on the ground. Like you will win. Like, and I'll say this now, if you do jujitsu and you have done it for longer than six months, and we start on the ground and I can't use a knife, You win, right?

[00:11:12] Adam: I'll say it now. You will beat me, right? That's, that is not what I want to do. My job is not go to the ground. , and so I said to this guy, look, I don't want to be on the ground. Can we start standing, but you stop behind me and you can get me in a rear naked choke. Is that a good trade? And he goes, wait, we have to start standing, but I can get you in a rear naked choke.

[00:11:30] Adam: I'm like, absolutely. Yes. And my buddy's like, and you're going to win this fight. I was like, Oh, I definitely win this fight. A hundred percent. I win this fight. So everyone in the room's like, Oh, cause you know, jujitsu is the best or whatever. So he gets me in the rear naked choke. They go three, two, one go.

[00:11:45] Adam: I reach one hand up. I grab his pinky finger and I start breaking his finger in my hand. One pinky, one fist stop breaking his finger. He screams. I'm not pulling his finger gently. I'm attempting to break it. I'm not pulling So he lets go of the choke and he instantly puts me in a bear hug. So I take two thumbs and I place them straight in his eyebrows and I apply a lot of pressure and I'm not trying to blind him, but I want him to know I could.

[00:12:08] Adam: So he freaks out and screams and takes two steps back. I pull my knife out my pocket and I walked towards him knife to his throat. He screams, fight anymore. And I was like, yo, I just gave a whole talk about don't know. Like don't get a fight. If you don't know the rules, we specified zero rules, except we were going to start standing.

[00:12:28] Adam: At what point did you ever think I wasn't going to? And I said, I was like, bro, I'd already seen the chair. I was gonna kick the chair in your face. There's a bucket of rice right there for some reason that they're putting incense out in. I was gonna throw that in your face. There are no rules here. I was going to hurt you a lot.

[00:12:45] Adam: And I was like, I was holding back, I wasn't really trying to hurt you, but I just wanted you to realize, because if you look at the origins of Jiu Jitsu in the UFC, the Gracie's had a large impact on what the rules would be. And they made a lot of the rules benefit jujitsu, understandably, and it's safer that way, right?

[00:13:02] Adam: You don't want eye gouging and throat pulling, right? You ever seen the boxer that got hit in the back of the head and that ruined his entire life? There are things you don't want to do. But here's the thing, in jujitsu Doing a takedown and exposing the back of your head is a standard move in a street fight.

[00:13:19] Adam: You never expose the back of your head to your opponent's fist. I don't care if you're trying to take me down. If I get a few good hits on the back of your head, it's very bad. Like in a real fight, it's just against the rules to do that. so yeah, man, so I understand where you're coming from. But like you said, I grew up in the hood.

[00:13:37] Adam: In the eighties, life was different. We didn't have the internet. We were sent out on the streets. I got attacked by gangs. I lost many fights growing up and you learn to fight very, very differently than anyone who studied a martial art. And then you get in situations like this in my forties where I've got these punks.

[00:13:56] Adam: Who think it's okay to steal, betray, commit fraud, lie, and you start questioning, Have I not headbutted somebody for a while? cause they won't do it if they're scared. And I'm a nice guy, typically, so I don't look like that kind of guy. And the only people that know I can fight are other fighters. If I hang out with a dude who is an actual fighter, like a real competitive fighter, they'll meet me.

[00:14:21] Adam: They probably think they can beat me and odds are they can. I've got some friends that destroy me in a fight, , but they know that, okay, he can fight. Will they win? Probably. Like if they're a competitive fighter, probably I don't train every single day. . But if they're training regularly and they meet me in person, like, no, this guy can fight the way he moves, the way he holds himself.

[00:14:36] Adam: You know, you hold my hands. You You can see this guy knows how to fight. and my speed at 43, I'm still ridiculously fast with quick reflexes. But why does someone feel the need to do that? And that's, where masculinity comes into question, right? Because if I'm the protector and I'm the father, and I'm trying to preach my kids, non violence, I can't go around threatening to hit people or, dealing with them like that, especially if what they're doing is essentially white collar attacks, right?

[00:15:05] Adam: They're doing paperwork attacks. no one's coming up to me and threatening me. That's easy. I'll hit them They're stealing and lying to my face and then in hushed shadows, talking to others. you know, one of these guys was using my credit card to buy stuff for himself and telling me that it was stock for one of our companies and that it was all in storage, but then he wasn't tidying up the storage.

[00:15:26] Adam: So you couldn't see what was there. it took me 30 days to go there and look at it and to realize it was missing. And then I was like, where is it? And he's like, Oh, it's in shipment. Oh, like it's all these little lies. and so you don't feel confident enough to hit somebody and you shouldn't, obviously you should do things the legal way, but by the time it all comes through and you realize that this guy is, has basically taken you for 120 grand.

[00:15:47] Adam: You realize the kind of person that doesn't have any money. If I sue him, I've got to pay legal fees. And what am I going to get? An apology. he owes me money one day if he ever gets any, which he won't, because he's broke, because he makes money by stealing. And this was a guy I'd known for seven years and I trusted.

[00:16:03] Adam: A guy that came into my house. I made him dinner. , that's what I'm struggling with. And it sucks, because it makes you wonder should you be hitting people, you know? I love Karsten, he's one of my favorite people.

[00:16:13] Adam: as a kid, I had a lot of repressed aggression, because I was competing in doing tournaments and winning fights, and then in school being bullied, and I followed a path of Like in martial arts, right? Don't be the aggressor. Turn the other cheek. , and even though there was this whole, you can defend yourself thing, I was attacked by 20 kids at once.

[00:16:32] Adam: Not one. I did defend myself, but defending myself was this. And, I'm not worse off than I am because I knew to cover my vital organs. I have been stabbed, it is a horrible experience, And they don't prep, you don't go to martial arts to learn.

[00:16:47] Adam: How do you deal with 20 dudes beating you up at once? cause you're in the wrong school. went to school, three miles away from where I lived. So I was in the wrong neighborhood there's a few movies that cover that there's one called the blue story, which is a story in Southeast London.

[00:16:59] Adam: And I'm from East London. So if you watch the movie, you'll get an idea of what my childhood was like. I always tell people when you meet me and you hear me talk, especially nowadays, I've got a different accent now because. People understand in America, they understand this accent more. But like, if you look at my old content, I had like my older accent, and it used to be even worse, but so I grew up in a really bad neighborhood and you got attacked if you were in the wrong school.

[00:17:18] Adam: And that was just how it was. So I definitely had that. And so I was repressing that aggression until I was 16 and at 16, I went to college. And I decided I didn't want to be a victim anymore. college, I'll be real with you. I got arrested for bringing weapons to school and threatening people with them that got aggressive with me.

[00:17:38] Adam: because I, I've been a weapon based fight in my whole life. love the phrase. whether you like it or not, if someone decides you're in a knife fight, you're in a knife fight. I've definitely had a few, like I said, a few big Americans be like, Oh, could you really fight?

[00:17:50] Adam: And I'm like, you don't know what's in my pocket. This doesn't end well for you. And a knife is really dangerous. there's not much you can do against the knife. I don't go anywhere without one within arm's reach. It's one of the reasons I love Texas. You can carry a sword in Texas, but you've got to sit behind my camera.

[00:18:03] Adam: I have six swords on the wall. actually my favorite knife is this one. This is a Bowie knife that was gifted to me because I raised, , 650, 000 for orphans in Ukraine when Russia invaded. and I also helped liaise, get those kids out of Ukraine to Poland. And I got awarded with this knife. It's, a charity called Texas help Texans helping.

[00:18:27] Adam: so I love weapons, right? So I've always got a weapon on me of some kind that I can use. And so in school, in college, I I got Arrested and pulled aside for bringing a weapon they went easy on me. I got like six months, of psychotherapy and evaluation and, because I was aggressive, but I didn't stab anyone.

[00:18:46] Adam: But if they got in my face or got physical, I pulled the knife out and I placed it in uncomfortable places and was like, I will. , and then when I moved to Africa, violence was a way of life. I love walking the streets of South Africa because as a white man, you're not supposed to.

[00:19:01] Adam: And I used to bring Americans with me to visit South Africa so they could experience getting mugged by a dude with a machete. And I was like, you have to try this because you've probably never experienced it. And I was like, I'll handle it, but you need to, I'll never forget. Did we walk down the street?

[00:19:16] Adam: We were in Cape town. We're in a hotel and we walked to Nando's, which is a local, like a local food place that I absolutely love. as we walk down there, we're walking down the street this guy. Turns up and he pulls out a machete and it's like, it's not even a real one. Like a little, they have a lot of like fake blades.

[00:19:33] Adam: It's not like a real machete. It's just like a sharpened metal with tape and foam around the handle. he pulls it out know, he looks at me and he says, don't make me use crime on you. And I'm just like cracking up because first of all, I think that's a hysterical line and, I look at the guy, I'm a typical.

[00:19:48] Adam: Freaking typical, you know,

[00:19:50] Adam: this guy, he pulls his knife out on me and he's like, you know, don't make me use crime on you. And I'm, I'm laughing because I think that's the best line ever. And I say to him, I'm like, typical man, typical. And he's like, what do you mean? I was like, that guy back there already mugged me and took my money.

[00:20:02] Adam: And now you're going to kill me. I should kill you. And he goes, what? I was like, I already got mugged. I don't have any money anymore, but you're threatening to kill me. I don't have nothing left to live for. I should just take the knife and kill you. And he goes, bro, relax. This, I'm still angry about him. He took my money and now you're trying to kill me.

[00:20:19] Adam: I hate Africa. I'm just going to kill you. And he goes, bro, seriously, it's Africa. You need to relax and calm down. You got no money. I said, I've got no money because then we've got no problem, but you need to relax. You are very stressed. this is not the place to be stressed. Africa is a place to relax.

[00:20:32] Adam: trying to become my coach or something. And I'm just like, okay, fine. I'll calm down. He goes, yeah, buddy, just relax. Everything's going to be okay. And he walked away and it's like, You only know to handle situations like that when you've been through a lot of them. And I loved living in Africa because it was daily.

[00:20:48] Adam: Daily. There was a guy who saw a white dude and he would try and attack you. in my 20s, that was a welcome violent experience every single day. I lived there , for two years from like 21 to 23 and it was only really when I came back to London I ended up working in the nightclub scene and it was the first time ever I had people looking after me because the bouncers and security, , I got really in with the Armenian, nightclubs and they have, a protection racket type thing going on.

[00:21:13] Adam: And, and they wouldn't let anyone touch me and it was the first time I didn't have to fight. everyone was, looking after me. they're like, this is the guy that brings the women. This is the guy that, he brings the party. No one touched this guy. And so even some random dude in the club, like they couldn't get a hand on me.

[00:21:26] Adam: The security was so quick. Nobody touches Adam. and until I moved to America and I had that one bar fight, and then I had that fight. A couple of years ago, I don't think I've had two or three other fights. But I still train. I mean, last year I was training for like four or five hours a day, three days a week.

[00:21:42] Adam: I still work out. I don't work out like a kid who's trying to get ripped anymore. I work out like a 43 year old man who's got to pick up his kids and doesn't want a bad back. But, you know, the speed is still there. I still train with weapons. every August, I go to Montreal and I fight for a week with a bunch of my buddies.

[00:21:56] Adam: we fight in Montreal because, healthcare is, not, the same as in America. It's free. So we can be a lot more violent. Insurance isn't as strict. So, we get pretty messy and, and I like that. So I fight for one week every year. and we can drink while fighting while we're up there as well.

[00:22:09] Adam: And I don't drink the rest of the year, but I do like drinking and fighting. I think if you're going to get in a fight, doing it drunk is a good idea. Did I just say that? Pretend I didn't say that. In Canada, with people who have opted in to do this, let's add that. But yeah,

[00:22:21] Hector: It's a great story. I'm curious. the thing that brought us on and I imagine that there's some connection between, This and dating. There was a big poll that you put out recently that was like what are the three things that, women want from a guy, you know, when they're looking and what I love is that you showed all the wrong answers.

[00:22:39] Hector: And I think eventually someone got it. But is there a connection there between that and then, the dating or attraction?

[00:22:45] Adam: yeah, like a hundred percent, so we know, there are three things innately that women are going to find attractive in a man. Ps. Protection. Pre selection. These three P's are instinctive. Now this goes against what I teach in my dating program. My dating program is what you do to stand out from the crowd emotionally, logically, helping her decide the partner that she's going to be with from an attraction level.

[00:23:17] Adam: These three P's, this is instinctive. . This is her core protector, provider, and preselection preselection. Does she believe that you fuck other people? Cause if she thinks no one wants to fuck you, it's not happening. Provider, everyone gets this wrong. It's not about being rich or successful.

[00:23:35] Adam: Most of the women I meet, the kind of guy they want is a guy that like. owns his own carpentry business or owns his own gym or owns his own, plumbing company, electrical company. provider they want is not the dude in the nightclub with the money that makes millions. That's not the guy that they want.

[00:23:51] Adam: They want the rugged dude. You go online and you look at the women and who they comment on. They don't comment on the dude with the fancy car. That's all dudes. You see some guy in a nice suit, chiseled jawline It's a whole bunch of dudes. Nice work, bro. Great job, bro. Bro, you're so fucking dope. I bet you get all the women.

[00:24:08] Adam: But there's this one dude who's a lumberjack who's got no money and he just chops wood all day. That guy? It's just women. It's a thirst trap. This guy, oh my God, he can chop me anything, that's the provider. What's he providing? Wood, right? Wood, because it's instinctive. The dude that can chop wood.

[00:24:27] Adam: The dude that can cook. The dude that can put a meal on the table. Not fly you to Abu Dhabi or whatever. Like that guy, they'll use that guy. They'll take that trip. They won't marry that guy. I know. Cause that guy is in my dating program. I get 40 something year old entrepreneur, rich dudes. There's a guy right now, I screenshot.

[00:24:47] Adam: And he literally said, I have two cars, both sports cars. I ride a motorcycle. I own my own house. I'm 28. I'm a self made millionaire. I can't get a girlfriend. I can get laid. I can't get a girlfriend. Can't keep a girlfriend. Of course you can't. You're not a man. Not according to instinctive desires of women, you're not a man.

[00:25:05] Adam: The times when my partner jumps me and wants to fuck me, or we live on a ranch is in the, is that we get this freeze in Texas every so often. When I go outside with an ax and I cut down a bit of wood and I build a fire in our living room, I get laid like a rock star. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to be like, Hey babe, let's have sex.

[00:25:22] Adam: Right. I do that. And she's like, fuck, that's so fucking hot. I'm like, I chopped down a bit of wood and she's like, so fucking hot. And as a provider, guys, get this wrong. Don't take her out for a meal. Cook, cook a meal, man. learn how to cook a meal, put a meal in front of it. You cook. First of all, it's cheaper.

[00:25:38] Adam: Second, it tastes better. Third of all, she's like, my man is a provider. that's what I'm after. And those things, that's the natural masculinity that you're going to get. You get me a dude who knows how to work the land, who has enough money to pay for that land and put food on the table. No fancy car drives a truck and that same guy can throw down a fight if need be.

[00:25:58] Adam: Or in my situation, we had a rattlesnake get into our chicken coop three times over the last five years. And all three times, at the time my wife was in there and she screams, right? And I run over there, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong. And she's like, there's a fucking rattlesnake killing the chicken And so I pull out my knife and I kill the fucking rattlesnake. Don't even think about it. Just like I killed the rattlesnake. I've killed three of them by my own hands. And every time my buddy's like, you should just shoot it. I'm like, that's not fair to the rattlesnake. And he's like, what do you mean fair?

[00:26:24] Adam: If it bites you, what are you going to do? I go to hospital. I was like, that's a cool story if I get bitten. I the truth is I don't think I'll get bitten. Cause I wear boots and I'm fast. The two com and I got a knife all the time. A big fucking knife, not worried. And I mean, three times, touch wood, right?

[00:26:38] Adam: It's never got me. But every time I killed the snake, Girlfriend, wife, whoever I'm with at the time is just like, fuck, that's so fucking hot. That's a provider. That's a protector. that's somebody who knows what they're doing. And, somehow guys have got it wrong. They don't, they think provider means who's the richest or who's at the gym the most.

[00:26:53] Adam: I'm not at the gym the most, but you know what I can do? I can pick up a sofa, my own two bare hands and carry it myself. Without getting out of shape because for the first seven years of my life, when I was poor, like as a kid started at the age of 18, I was a mover. I moved furniture and I can still, to this day, throw a sofa up on my shoulder and walk with a fucking huge sofa.

[00:27:13] Adam: And it's not about strength. It's about balance. I know how to hold it right. because of the years of doing it, I promise you, women are far more impressed by a dude that can throw a sofa on his shoulder and walk with it than a dude that's in the gym looking at his muscles. You know what I mean?

[00:27:28] Adam: Like ask any woman, what kind of guy do you want? And that's not to say there aren't some women that like that because there are, there are some women that really like that physique. But there are more dudes that like that physique. You know, you see two gay guys, they're in the gym all the time looking at each other.

[00:27:40] Adam: Yeah, bro. You look great. Great lads. But you don't see women doing that as often. There are some women that love it, especially women that like the gym. They'll do that. But the average woman, she wants a dude, like I said, like a lumberjack, She wants a dude who's strong. He's big, but he ain't, ripped.

[00:27:53] Adam: Cause Rick doesn't have that internal strength. And it's not a dad bod. It's not a beer bigger. I'm not fat, but I'm not ripped, but I'm strong. And that's what they want to see. want to see that strength.

[00:28:06] Hector: It seems a lot different than what's put out there, that's not what you see on social media. That's not the reels that come up, I mean, there's so many things that are being put out there, but how do you help a guy bridge, those two things? Because I you said that they weren't something to the effect of like, they didn't have the right model.

[00:28:23] Hector: they don't have the right understanding of it. And.

[00:28:26] Adam: They are on social media, but it's not what people are telling you. It's what they're showing you, The dudes that are like, this is one guy right on the whatever podcast. Like, and I listened to it and I think he's a really smart guy. And also, at least at the moment, the last I heard he's looked single, he looks like he's struggling to meet anyone.

[00:28:42] Adam: And I understand. Maybe he's not right. maybe I'm wrong and I'm open to that. But all he does is complain at women. That's not what men do. And he tells women why they're wrong. Like a dude doesn't have time for that. We don't do that. Dudes don't want to share that kind of like dudes aren't going to be like, Oh, you hurt my feelings or a woman.

[00:29:00] Adam: You need to get correct. A dude's just going to do dude stuff. So if you look at that guy, all his comments are a bunch of dudes saying how cool he is. There are no women in the comments saying, bro, you're a man. Or maybe there's a few, but there's not many, right? There's more dudes than women being like, you're so right, bro.

[00:29:14] Adam: I want to date you. That's not what you get. But go to the lumberjack page of the dude with the lumber dudes chopping wood. And it's just women. this is women. Oh my god, you're so hot. Yeah, of course, because he's a dude jumping wood. That's hot. To women, that's hot. That's what they want. And you don't have to be ripped.

[00:29:32] Adam: The guy happens to be ripped. You don't have to be ripped. You have to know how to chop wood. You know, when I first came to America, I'm blown away. I bought an apartment and I wanted to change the toilet seats and I wanted to build a bed. So I got two American dudes in me, friends of mine. I'm like, yo, you guys make the bed in this room.

[00:29:45] Adam: I'll make the bed in the other room. And I go in and they put the legs on upside down. They got the base on the floor, the legs going up. I'm like, what is wrong with you guys? Build the bed upside down. So I'm like, look, I'll build the bed. You guys change the toilet seats. my ex wife, was who I was with at the time.

[00:30:00] Adam: And she goes, babe, you got to come into the bathroom. I'm like, baby, I'm busy. I've nearly finished. I'm like, baby, you gotta come now. And I was like, I can't come down because the bathroom's flooding. And so I go into the bathroom and sure enough, there's water pouring all over my bathroom. I'm like, what do you guys do to go?

[00:30:12] Adam: Oh, we removed the toilet from the wall before we put the seat on. And I'm like, guys, that's not how you change a toilet seat. and these guys, like you said, they were younger generation. They just don't know how to do stuff. Whereas me, I was at my buddy's house the other day.

[00:30:27] Adam: And his daughter came out and she's like nine years old. And she's like, daddy, the toilet's broke. And, my buddy was cooking cause he's feeding us. And I'm like, man, if you're okay with it, I'll just go and fix the toilet. If you want. my mate's like, you don't have to do that. I was like, yeah, I know how to do that.

[00:30:39] Adam: I know how to do plumbing. I'll fix your toilet. And he went, all right, appreciate you. And I went in and I fixed the toilet. and this kid was like, Oh, that's so great. Thanks. That was much, but. That's a man. that's what provider protector is. Fix the toilet, put food on the table, cook the food, make sure the food's good.

[00:30:54] Adam: It is not, let me take you to this fancy sushi restaurant. That is not dude stuff. Are there some women that like that? Yes. What do we have as a name for those women? Gold diggers. Not exactly, but you get the idea. If a woman wants you for the restaurants you can take her, the car that you have, and the plane you're taking her in, that's not the kind of woman you want.

[00:31:16] Adam: Whereas, the kind of woman I think most guys should want is the kind of woman that says, Hey babe, thank you so much for Chopping the wood for the fireplace, or thank you so much for fixing that broken deck plank, or thank you so much for, right? the stairs outside my house right now need to be re stained.

[00:31:32] Adam: It's a 200 job. If I phone someone to do it, I can afford 200 bucks, got plenty of money. That's not a problem, but I'm going to sand it down and stain it myself. It's not a waste of time because it will be the exact shade she wants. It will be done well. I won't spill stain all over the place like these dudes that are going to come and do it for 200 bucks.

[00:31:50] Adam: There'll be a level of care done to it. I'll take her flowers off the stairs properly. And when it's finished, every time she walks up those stairs, she's gonna think, my man did that. Now I could spend 200 bucks to avoid my woman thinking my man did that every time she walks in the house. Or I can have her think every time she walks in the house.

[00:32:07] Adam: The day that she went to buy the stain, the exact color she wanted is the exact color on our steps.

[00:32:12] Hector: Yeah, this has been a fantastic conversation this far, we could end it here and I think it would be so great, but I'd love to get tactical because I think you, you have a depth of understanding and the nuance in your perspective that doesn't seem to be present in a lot of, I don't want to call you just a dating coach because I think it's so much more than that.

[00:32:31] Hector: Right. And obviously the level of expertise that you have extends far beyond that, but what else are guys missing that you kind of slam your, hand on your, forehead going, if you just saw this or did this, things would be so much different.

[00:32:45] Adam: guys want to be right and they want to be right instead of getting what they want. And you can't have both. A lot of guys want to win an argument with a woman, be like, you're wrong. Let me tell you the ways you're wrong. I won. Now you've got to date me. And she's like, no, that's not how you do it. And I always tell people, I got a talk with a buddy the other day and he goes, if you're so good as a dating coach, how come you've broken up with women before?

[00:33:09] Adam: But how come you've had relationships to end? I'm like, I'm not a relationship coach. I'm a dating coach, even different skills. My skill is in dating, not relationships, , I'm sure there are very successful people when it comes to relationships. I'm not one of I know how to attract a woman and I know how to get a want to be with me for a very long time.

[00:33:27] Adam: The skill of relationships is not the skill that I am really good at. For one simple reason. I'm me. And I won't compromise on me. And I think the skill that makes a relationship work is you got to be willing to compromise, right? You've got to be willing to say that, and me and know exactly who I am and I have become a man that is attractive to women that they're like, yes, this is who I want.

[00:33:51] Adam: And I think there is an inherent desire in women to try and change a guy. Once she gets him, there's a wise phrase that somebody said to me, which is women meet a man in the hopes of changing him and men meet women in the hope that they never change. And the reality is women change and men resist that change.

[00:34:07] Adam: And I think you could probably keep a woman forever if you were willing to allow her to change or if you could find a woman that doesn't want to change you. I'm not like that. I'm not trying to change a woman. and I'm not going to change for who I am because I have learned that this version of me is very attractive.

[00:34:22] Adam: The men that I've met that allow themselves to get changed by women, they struggle to get back into the relationship game because they have become this argumentative, this kind of guy that is complaining. And they've picked up these traits that aren't dude traits. they're typically not do traits that they've, they've got.

[00:34:43] Adam: and they just sound like little punks but I see that a lot in 20 year olds that have not been in these long relationships where they're whiny little punks and not all of them, met some incredible. Guys, I don't want to, I'm generalizing for sure, but these guys that spend so much time online complaining, and I'm like, you are not going to complain a woman into your bedroom.

[00:35:03] Adam: You ain't going to do that. You are only going to get a woman to want to go into your bedroom. If you are who you are in the best way possible, showing the traits that women want, and then they will throw themselves in your bedroom. So you've got to decide, do you want a hot woman in your bedroom or two or three or four, which I've had many times.

[00:35:23] Adam: Or do you want to be right about your logical argument?

[00:35:26] Adam: That's the issue. And they need to understand that. I can't tell you how many arguments I've gotten with single guys that have no women telling me what I should be doing when it comes to dating. Meanwhile, I have a library of videos and photos of me having some wonderful experiences with women.

[00:35:42] Adam: I've got kids with women so I'm not going to listen to these guys because they have no idea what they're doing. Now, can they get more views on their videos than me? Absolutely. Because what they're saying It's popular. What I'm saying isn't popular, but what I'm saying is true.

[00:35:56] Hector: Yeah, it seems like a lot of the solutions that seem to be sustainable or the ones that our rights are oftentimes not the sensational or the sexy ones,

[00:36:04] Adam: And you got to do all of them, right? You can't just do martial arts, Which is the protector and be like, now I'm going to get women. No, no, you also have to be a provider. If you're really good at martial arts and you hit the gym and you can beat people up, but you can't cook a bad ass meal, by the way, a meal that a woman would want to eat.

[00:36:19] Adam: there's man food and there's woman food. And as a man, you've got to be able to cook woman food, not man food. Well, man food and woman food, right? So, like, for example, if I prepare a giant, tomahawk steak for my mate, who flies in from St. Louis, who loves steaks, he thinks I'm the best guy on the planet.

[00:36:32] Adam: I don't even need to put sides with it. I can just put tomahawk steak. If I give that to a woman on a first date, she's going to be like, are you into women, so for me, I know how to cook sushi, and I will make designer sushi as if you were in an omakase restaurant. Now, I only know how to do that because I've eaten at omakase restaurants, and I love taking my woman on a date to an omakase restaurant, but most women, when they date me, will tell me my food is better than they get in a restaurant, because I have learned how to cook that way.

[00:36:59] Adam: Now that's a provider because when a woman says, wow, we don't have to drop 400 bucks on 400 bucks on a car say, because my man is going to make it fresh. And we come home late at night after work at like nine 30, we put the kids to bed and then I'm like, you fancy some sushi. Let me just throw it together a quick on the car seat for us.

[00:37:14] Adam: Now that's hot. That's the kind of thing that has a woman go. Oh my God. But those two things don't work with that preselection. Cause if you're a dude and all your friends are dudes, they still don't want you because in their head, they're like, well, if this guy's such a catch, why does no woman want him?

[00:37:29] Adam: There's got to be other women that want you. You have to have women friends. They've got to be around you being like, whoever gets this guy is a catch. That's the trifecta. Those three. Yeah. And you'll nail it from an instinctive point of view. And then there's this other level, which is, you know, again, what we teach, which is how to hold a good conversation, how to listen, how to connect, how to turn her on.

[00:37:51] Adam: That's a whole other piece. You can be your poor on paper, the kind of guy she wants, but you still have to be able to hold down that conversation, maintain interest, which is the other level and a lot of guys. Don't have either.

[00:38:04] Hector: yeah, I'd love to go into this second level, which you mentioned is kind of your, specialty, but I still wrestle with this pre selection concept. Can you just expand on that and like what, from a guy who's.

[00:38:17] Adam: Easy.

[00:38:18] Hector: Geez, right? Like, so many guys go into their hovel and they have kids in there, we either that or they don't do that.

[00:38:24] Hector: So what does that look like for a guy?

[00:38:26] Adam: Dude walks in a bar with three other guys. What do you think about that guy? You specifically, what do you think?

[00:38:32] Hector: he's not having a great night.

[00:38:35] Adam: So you already know, your instinct. Dude with three dudes. He ain't having a good night. Let's go another way. Dude walks in a bar, he's got two women on his arm. One on each arm. What do you think about that guy?

[00:38:45] Hector: Yeah, he's doing something right. there's something about him

[00:38:48] Adam: It didn't occur to you that maybe he's just taking out his two nieces because, uh, his aunt's in town and he wants to show them to the town and keep them safe?

[00:38:56] Hector: that wasn't top of mind. Now is

[00:38:59] Adam: they're having sex, always. All humans do. If you're a guy hanging out with a bunch of women, every woman will presume those women want to fuck you. Whether it's true or not is irrelevant. They presume you are desired. And just like a man who's wearing a wedding ring will always be more attractive than a man without, If you are desired by other women, other women will want you because they don't want a man that no other woman wants.

[00:39:27] Adam: They want the best man. Same as you. You don't want a woman. No other, no other guy wants, right? If I said, Hey, there's this woman here. No one wants her at all, you can have her and be the only one to ever have her. I don't want to. Why not? Because no one wants her. But if I'm like, here's a woman that every man in the world wants, But she only wants you.

[00:39:46] Adam: That's the best, the highest thing. So for a woman, it's exactly the same. If you're a guy and you're surrounded by women, but the only one you'd want is that particular one you'll get, because there's no bigger compliment. That's preselection in a nutshell.

[00:40:00] Hector: that as simple as just having girlfriends?

[00:40:04] Adam: I mean, We literally said a guy walking in a bar with two women is on you. Presumed it was sex. I said, it's two cousins didn't even occur to you. It could be any other scenario. Yes, because as humans, we default to presume it's a sexual relationship, whether it is or it isn't, and that is how we're wired.

[00:40:19] Adam: So yes, women works. So in our dating program, the very first module, the very first thing that we get guys and we get them results, like that's the focus. It's not just like watch a video. That first focus is we get guys a group of three or four women who they are attracted to as friends. Step one, because once you have that preselection, once you've got that social proof, or we call it abundance, you're now ready for the next phase.

[00:40:43] Adam: Which is going to be generating attraction. And then you're ready for the next phase, which is turning them on and having sex. Three steps. Easy.

[00:40:52] Hector: I don't know if there's needs to be more, it sounds pretty simple there, but, but we hit the first part, a little bit. Could you go into, know you mentioned that the escalation part being, uh, rather important. Can you talk about what that

[00:41:03] Adam: So the second part is you've got to be able to hold down a good conversation with a woman. Women want a guy that women want to date their best friend. Everyone's like, I'm stuck in the friend zone. I'm like, yeah, you're stuck in the friend zone. You ain't stuck in the best friend zone. You need to be in the best friend zone because she will have male friends, but she will date her best friend.

[00:41:21] Adam: so my girlfriend right now, I've known her for three years. She was a lesbian when we met, not into dudes at all. We hung out for a month. I actually didn't know she was a lesbian. I just thought she was plain hard to get, which is pretty funny. and the very first time we had sex, I said to her, I was like, why did this take so long?

[00:41:37] Adam: And she goes, you didn't know? I'm like, know what? She goes, I'm a lesbian. I'm like, no, you're not. And she goes, I am. I was like, oh shit, I didn't even, I didn't even know. My girlfriend is a self professed lesbian. It's hysterical because when we hang out, I'm always like, you're such a dyke and she goes, just stop it.

[00:41:53] Adam: Like just, you know, and I'm like, you lose your lesbian status. when you put a dick in you, I was like, that's a fact. And she's like, I hate you sometimes. Right. it's like hanging out with my best friend. Like we're messing with each other all the time, but she's got guy friends.

[00:42:04] Adam: That I've all wanted to date her and sleep with her because she's hot. And I'll always say to him like, oh, your guy friend's texting you. cause I'll see his name come up. I'm like, poor guy. And she goes, no, he's always trying to sleep with me. I was like, tell him, you know, tell him you like him, but just as a friend.

[00:42:19] Adam: And she was like, dude, I don't. it's hysterical in that scenario because to her, he's a friend. To him, he's in the friend zone. I was like, bro, you ain't in the friend zone. You just a friend. I'm in the best friend zone. That's why I get to put my penis inside her because there's a guy, we can't be scared of the friend zone.

[00:42:38] Adam: We got to, we're going to be the best guy in the friend zone. That's who she's going to sleep with. And that's going to come from the best conversations. Because when she talks about the conversation she has with this guy, she'll say like, Oh, he's complaining to me about this. He's complaining to me about that.

[00:42:50] Adam: Or, Oh, today he's doing this. Oh, today he's doing that. And in fairness, he lives in a totally different state. but I love it. I love talking to her about her conversation with this guy as well, because it lets me know what's going on too. . She doesn't hide his text messages from him or nothing.

[00:43:02] Adam: I get to see it. Not that I'm worried. Cause I know she's not really into dudes. But I'm also not worried because this guy is not a threat because I hear the kind of conversations they have in my world. The conversations I have with her are about the people that talk to her are about what's going on.

[00:43:16] Adam: She opens up to me and she tells me what she's worried about, what she's scared about. And I get to help out with that. When I talk to her, I have no problem opening up about what's going on in my world, but what I'm not doing is being depressed about it. I'm not being like, oh, my life sucks. Everything's horrible.

[00:43:35] Adam: That's not what I'm doing because that's not what she wants to hear from her best friend. She wants to hear, this is my plan. This is what I'm going to do. We got this.

[00:43:47] Hector: that's probably understanding because you actually have those. So for guys who, want to go deeper in your world you get more connected, I think you've got some free resources would love for you to share with them where they might be able to get some of those.

[00:43:57] Adam: Yeah. working with me is expensive and. I want to work with a lot of people, not a few people. So the easiest way to do it is a lot of my stuff's free. Go to askthedatingcoach. com, askthedatingcoach. com, and there is a self sabotage test. It will tell you one of 88 ways you might be self sabotaging yourself.

[00:44:18] Adam: So you won't see all 88, you'll take a personality test, and it will reduce it down to 11 based on your personality type. And it will show you 11 ways you might be self sabotaging. And most guys will see five or six ways. They're self sabotaging. Just like I said at the beginning, the rules of the game, you got to know the rules and the first rule is, are you ruining your own chances and chances are you are, and when you work out what you're doing, what you're self sabotaging, you have a very clear roadmap.

[00:44:44] Adam: Okay. If I remove these things, my success is going to jump. And then after that, we train the guy, it's one of my favorite videos. It goes, he's good looking, rich, successful, and an entrepreneur. And at 40 something, he's single. And he's a typical client for us. All our guys are rich, good looking, successful, cannot get a woman.

[00:45:05] Adam: And the video is a two and a half hour training of me training this guy. So anyone watching, you don't have to pay, you can just watch the video and watch me train a dude and see realization after realization of why he's single. When he realizes it's all him, he's screwed it up himself. And by the end of the video, you'll know.

[00:45:21] Adam: You'll either have figured it out or you'll want to work with us. And that's, what we do, but it's all free, up until that point. So enjoy it.

[00:45:27] Hector: link that up in the show notes for you guys. I want to thank all of you fellows for sticking with us today, and we'd be forever grateful for a rating or review wherever you get your podcasts. And if you know someone, a guy who needs to hear this, or even a lady needs to hear this, hit that share button.

[00:45:40] Hector: And, let's grow the tribe together, but, we appreciate hanging out. We'll see on the next one later.

[00:45:46] Guys want to be right instead of getting what they want and you can't have both. A lot of guys want to win an argument with a woman, be like, you're wrong. Let me tell you the ways you're wrong. I won. Now you've got to date me. And she's like, no, that's not how you do it. And I always tell people, I got a talk with a buddy the other day and he goes, if you're so good as a dating coach, how come you've broken up with women before?

[00:46:06] Like, how come you've had relationships to end? I'm not a relationship coach. I'm a dating coach, even different skills. My skill is in dating, not relationship. I'm sure there are very successful people when it comes to relationships. I'm not one of them. I know how to attract a woman, and I know how to get her to want to be with me for a very long time.

[00:46:21] The skill of relationships is not the skill that I am really good at, for one simple reason. I'm me, and I won't compromise on me.