Relationships: How to Win Your Woman’s Heart … It’s Not Exactly What You Think Pt. 2 with David Peralta

[00:00:00] Hector: Welcome to the modern masculinity podcast, man. I appreciate you being

[00:00:03] David: Thank you so much for having me, Hector. I really appreciate it.

[00:00:06] Hector: I'll share this probably in the intro, but this, conversation is I think really relevant and pertinent to a lot of the guys. And so with that being said, I'm curious, we always start our conversations with trying to get into your world a little bit, I'd love for you to kind of take us into your world as a, partner, a father a guy, a man, , all these things that we're trying to be like, what's real for you right now and kind of what are some challenges that you're going through

[00:00:31] David: What's real for me right now. Love is real. That's the basis. Love is real. And the challenge that I face is in learning how to open up to those states that prevent me from staying in love and from feeling open to love, from letting that love flow through me and from feeling that love flowing through other people.

[00:00:49] David: and in particular, one of the things that's really been coming up for me recently is, I have a real deep seated fear Of being judged, and this is different from worrying about what other people think of me because I don't really worry about that so much. But I find that, from a very young age, this started to become a core part of how I identified.

[00:01:13] David: at a very young age, I felt very judged, I felt rejected,

[00:01:18] Hector: and

[00:01:18] Hector: you see that playing out today and that's still coming up for you.

[00:01:21] Hector: Like today,

[00:01:22] David: it's still coming up to this day. And It often Disappears when I am working with people, when I'm connecting with people, when I'm feeling present with another person, this totally disappears. And so this enables me to do the work that I do with other people, but it very often comes up when I am not connecting with others, when I'm on my own and I feel like I've got to send out an email or I'm going to be asking for something new.

[00:01:50] David: There is this, on some level, terror that I'm going to be judged for that

[00:01:54] Hector: take me into like a real, like, how does that cause I think there's a guy going like, yeah, David, but we all go through that. like, yeah, but how does that practically, like, where do you practically see that?

[00:02:05] David: So I practically see that, for example, when I've got to communicate with people, especially when I'm writing emails to people, this is really where it kicks in. like clients who actually, less clients, and more peers. Actually, it's more peers than clients. like, for example, done a little bit of outreach just to get in touch with, some podcasters, just to see if there's other people who might be interested in hearing a little bit about my story and what I have to say.

[00:02:30] David: that's where I feel it. I feel really scared of sharing my own story really vulnerably. That if I'm really honest and open, that if I stop hiding what really has... Allowed me to become who I am today. What has shaped me, what has formed me. If I don't create a veneer around that and really vulnerably say like, these are the experiences that I've had, I've lived them, and these have made me who I am today, that if I really share that with people, where this fear comes up and it's not just a fear.

[00:03:02] David: It's terror. and so in the past it would lead me to

[00:03:06] Hector: Well let me share with you that. I remember on our call or seeing it's interesting that you said that because one of the things that I was going to share With the listeners, but held back and so I'm glad it's coming up is that on our initial call I was like who the hell is this guy? Who's this guy wants to come on my show and think he's gonna have anything to talk about to our guys. you know, it's this place of judgment, But like here I was being the judge and, you know, and only because I felt like we've really dialed in what we're trying to do with the show, who's listening and what we can provide.

[00:03:37] Hector: And so I'm, here thinking this guy's. Not gonna fit that. And after 15 minutes, I was like, we got to have this guy on the show. It's going to be awesome. Like, it's good. this is exactly what we needed. And so I say that to affirm you and to help you work through that, on the other end of that, I had a very filter, if you will. and what was just interesting about the universe and everything as it plays out is that like you checked all the boxes. So say that and, you know, one of the things that came up on that call was the need to win a woman's heart.

[00:04:08] Hector: Right. is that how you put

[00:04:09] Hector: it? And I think that it's so relevant for me because I've, Share a lot of on the show about, the challenges I've in my marriage and how that's, really laid a context or a ground for the show, if you will. but I'd love for you to share why that's been the thing. That you've been taking into battle or why that's the flag that, you're planting for yourself, if you will. And, I'd love for you to take us in whatever kind of experiences led to that. let's go there.

[00:04:33] Hector: Cause I think that so many guys could probably benefit from it.

[00:04:36] David: Okay. Yeah, I think that's a great idea. Thank you so much. I thank you for sharing that by the way. I appreciate that. That's the reaction that you had because, Actually, I'm just going to jump into exactly what you asked me. winning a woman's heart. this was a concept that I was introduced to in India, from a teacher that I studied with Sri Kaleshwar,

[00:04:53] David: he was talking very specifically about in a spiritual context, but he was also referring to any context. actually it was enlightenment, he was talking about enlightenment. He said for a man to experience enlightenment, the highest state of spiritual attainment, it is absolutely essential that he win a woman's heart.

[00:05:09] David: And That was something that a lot of us had to sit with and digest for a really long time, because what does that mean? First of all, why? Why is that so important? Why is it so necessary? And then, second of all, how? How do you actually do that? And then, one thing is to sit there and consider it.

[00:05:27] David: conceptualize it. But then the third aspect was, once I'm actually in a relationship with my wife, and I'm in the struggles, now how do I actually do it? Not conceptually. How do I actually learn how to open my own heart to her heart? How do I... Learn to respect her heart and understand that she is a very different and unique being and that the way that I've been approaching my life and the way that I've been conditioning myself to approach life.

[00:06:00] David: It's not working for how she is asking me to show up and how she needs me to show up. And so it became a process of number one, throwing all the concepts out of the window and learning what it meant. So let's take that step by step. Let's go back to why is it so important to win a woman's heart?

[00:06:17] Hector: hold on, let me, let me flavor this a little bit because. of things that we've tried to do on the show is, and perhaps this is just my own neuroticism, but that's to provide context and a lot of cultural context because I think that so many of the guys that are listening are not, privy to. Frankly, the programming that is running underneath so many guys and whether that's locker room culture or whether that's, toxic masculinity or, whatever it is, there hasn't been a, like you said, a programming. that actually works in today's society for all the sorts of reasons.

[00:06:52] Hector: Women empowerment, all these sorts of things that are changing and how men's roles and all, this sorts of stuff that's in Fluxx. And then all of a sudden, you throw this into there, right? Which is just probably one of the hardest things on the list. so I say all that to share with guys that this is another one of those things that I think guys don't have a, great model to look at there hasn't been a great example of, This is the ideal because, we've been growing up watching Homer Simpson and Al Bundy and family guy and all of these examples of men and frankly, how they treated their wife was. I don't know. Like comical is putting it lightly. bordered on disrespectful, frankly. if I'm being, reflective on it. So anyways, all that to just flavor what it is that you're going to continue to share.

[00:07:40] David: Yeah. So that's a really good point. If we don't have good examples. And, if we come, like in my case, from a family that's split up, my father was not able to do that. my dad struggled in lots of ways that then got passed on to me, right? the ways that he struggled were basically the model that I saw.

[00:08:01] David: And so I didn't see, A successful model in that way, and I can't blame him and he went through a really hard time as a kid himself. so I don't have a model to do this. I don't have a model. All I have is what I bring to the relationship and all I have is my own will and determination and my own intentions, which is that I am determined to do this, you know, I'm not determined to do this because Of some other means that I want to attain.

[00:08:28] David: I want to do this because I see that this is necessary for a healthy, functioning relationship. This is necessary for me to be able to support my wife. This is necessary for me to feel like I'm being authentic and in integrity and honest with myself because these other parts that are showing up, this is not who I want to be.

[00:08:47] David: These other parts that are causing conflict, these other parts that are causing pain, these other parts that are causing her to feel like she's not understood and heard, all these things, this is not what I envisioned for myself. This is not who I wanted to be when I imagined what I would be as a husband and as a father.

[00:09:03] David: So, going back to why it's so important to win a woman's heart.

[00:09:06] David: In my experience, and in what I've been taught, love is the fundamental force behind all creation.

[00:09:13] David: The energy that creates the entire universe, that's what we call love. What scientists are starting to discover, what they call this unified field of potential, In other words, before matter takes form, it exists in this potential form. They're starting to learn about this. They're starting to discover this, That is what we call love. That energy, that consciousness, you can call it love. Whenever we experience oneness with anybody, whenever our heart Opens to anybody. The reason why we feel the emotion that we call love is because we are tapping into the state of oneness that exists within everything. And when that love arises and manifests everything that we see, that's love in its creative form.

[00:09:59] David: why is winning a woman's heart so important? Because that creative aspect is feminine. That pure potential, that formlessness, that holds space, that's silent, that's still. That's the masculine side of things. So when we are living in this life, if we want to be able to lead a successful, creative life that's full of vitality, full of energy, and full of creative potential that is able to manifest the visions that we have, that we want to create for ourselves, for relationships, for our family, for every part of our life, then that creative energy has to flow to us.

[00:10:38] David: And one of the most powerful gateways and doorways that that energy flows in the creation is a woman's heart.

[00:10:46] Hector: I'm with you, David. I am. But just barely,

[00:10:49] David: Sure.

[00:10:50] Hector: and I know there's guys out there going, what the fuck are you talking

[00:10:54] Hector: about, David? we've talked a lot about the, polarities of energies the importance of that. and also of, what, you're saying is, that. fuel, that energy, that a woman can give a man, and I've never heard it articulated as you've, said it, but that's really what we're talking about. how might that play out in a man's life? And also perhaps.

[00:11:12] Hector: how might that be absent or what might be some signs that energy is absent or that's disrupted? Because I think that a lot of guys they're in thick of it, they almost don't even know what The symptoms are anymore, or they don't know how to untangle what symptom is from what.

[00:11:28] Hector: how might this play out in a guy's life or relationship? if it's one way or the other,

[00:11:33] David: Struggle. If we are struggling in our lives, if we are suffering in our lives, this is a symptom that we are not in alignment with this greater energy that exists in the creation. If we are not in alignment, then for sure that's going to show up in our relationships. If we're not understanding how to be in relationship with that energy that is underlying everything, If we don't understand how that is what is creating in our life, and we're under the illusion, and I know a lot of people, this is maybe a new concept, we are not responsible for creating.

[00:12:09] David: This energy is responsible for creating, and it creates through us. Our egos are what get in the way of that. Our egos are what cause us. To believe that we are the doers, we are the ones that are making everything happen, and everything rests on our shoulders. And as men, we especially have this problem, where we believe that all the responsibility falls on us, and we have to do all these things, and we get to the point where we feel like we're carrying all these burdens that are too much for us.

[00:12:37] David: We're responsible for providing, we're responsible for not only our health, but we're responsible for the health of our children. We're responsible for the mental well being of our children, we're responsible for everything under the sun, it seems, and it feels like, our dog's health, we're just responsible for so many things.

[00:12:53] David: We're responsible for taking care of the house, for making sure that the yard is in order, right? All this responsibility falls on us, and if we're carrying that burden, no man can carry that without feeling like they are going to, at some point, collapse under the weight of all the responsibilities that we are carrying.

[00:13:10] Hector: that's it,

[00:13:11] Hector: that's it right there. I mean, so many guys are, taxed empty and depleted. And, there's that, , Character in Encanto, Where, I don't know if you've seen that

[00:13:19] Hector: movie, but one of the sisters, , it's a sister, by the way, who's very masculine, interestingly enough, but, who is, carrying all these burdens and that's kind of her, plight is that she has too much to carry, And there's a whole, a whole song, about it, but I feel like guys, they share that same plight, Where they just, Throw it on and pack it on and pack it on and pack it on and don't ever deal with, I don't know if it's don't even want to deal with it. Like sometimes they don't even want to acknowledge that, it's there, Which is maybe the first step. And then you can start to deal with or work with it. but the acknowledgement ignoring it, I think it's what gets so many guys, Into this place of despair, we've talked a lot on the show about how guys are suffering at a rate of like four to one in what they're calling deaths of despair, Which is like, overdose, suicide, alcohol induced accidents. And I believe there's one more, but essentially mental health, right? guys are suffering from mental health and. Yeah. I'd imagine there's, the awareness part, which is the first, but then even those that do have the awareness, maybe that's even worse because they have the awareness without the tools or the support or the resources they realize they're in the hole, but they have no way. To dig themselves out. And I'd imagine that's what leads them to addiction or this destructiveness

[00:14:30] Hector: really.

[00:14:31] David: those are additional signs, right? If we're in pain, you know, if we're suffering, these are also signs that we are not feeling. , let me switch tacks for a moment. Now, let me go to what it feels like when we are in union with this energy, because it shows us in a lot of ways where we have fallen short, because when we are in relationship with this energy, we feel joy, we feel happiness, we feel bliss.

[00:15:01] David: Whatever pain we're carrying is manageable because we feel that it's not that the pain goes away and it disappears and that we don't experience pain. It's that we feel pain, but there is a presence that we are connected to that is greater than ourselves that allows us to feel both open to the pain.

[00:15:21] David: And open to this state of oneness and this state of happiness and bliss, not temporary happiness, like an underlying state. of bliss. And what that allows us to do is it allows us to stay open to pain, experience it completely, process it and integrate it, which then allows us to move through the pain.

[00:15:44] David: And we are able to stay open to every single experience that we can have as a human being. And so we lead a full life, We lead a life where we are Open to everything, We can experience everything full heartedly, And so what happens is energy flows through us. It doesn't get stuck, it doesn't get blocked, That energy comes through us, and whatever it is that we're holding in our mind, whether it's conscious or unconscious, but in this case it starts to become conscious, because we start to untangle the conditioning that we've created in our minds, and we start to have thoughts that are conscious thoughts.

[00:16:23] David: Then that energy comes through, and basically our thoughts and our visions for our life and ourselves become a blueprint, and that energy creates that. So then things start to flow in our lives. And it feels like we are interacting with life, and life is supporting us, and life is helping us. When we're not in that state, when we don't feel connected to that love and we don't feel connected to that nourishing, nurturing energy, then when we have a painful experience, especially if it happens when we're a child, then it feels overwhelming.

[00:16:56] David: It feels like we don't have a resource to keep us open to that. What happens? Our defense mechanisms kick in our brain, our mind and our body has ways to help keep us alive and helps keep us surviving and we shut down We either develop anger strategies, fight strategies, we develop avoidance strategies, flight strategies, we develop, free strategies, Which is to basically shut down so much that we don't feel anything. But then we carry that for our whole life and then we carry that into our relationships. So if in a relationship, our spouse or our partner acts in a way which triggers that original threat, that original feeling of that pain that was so strong and so overwhelming, that trauma that we're still carrying to this day, if that even remotely gets triggered or we're reminded of it, that anger is going to kick in, that avoidance is going to kick in, that shutdown is going to kick in, and we're not going to be able to relate To our partner authentically, openheartedly, there's not going to be any space for them and their experience and their emotions because we're feeling so overwhelmed dealing with our own emotions and Not dealing with our emotions, Just dealing with those patterns inside of ourselves.

[00:18:09] David: There's no ability to see the other. There's no ability to empathize with the other. There's no ability to understand where the other is coming from. And to see that, oh, perhaps they're acting in this way because they're in pain. And I can help them with that. Then it just becomes... Two people in pain, bickering and fighting and interacting with each other.

[00:18:30] David: And then they start building pain on top of pain until the relationship just feels unbearable and, We end up feeling lost. We don't know what to do.

[00:18:38] Hector: Yeah, I've always wondered why. after people go through a breakup of a long, relationship, it seems like, and I'm talking just generally here that the guys usually go on, some sort of conquest spree, Where they're out trying to, I don't know, sleep with as many women they can.

[00:18:55] Hector: and it, seems generally that sometimes, I mean, we're talking generalities here that, women for speaking on the whole, do something closer to the opposite, Where they kind of take space. and of course there are obviously I'm sure examples of the alternatives, I'm just wondering, the guy chasing that energy

[00:19:10] Hector: Is that the guy looking for that, connection again? and. doing it, I'll be it in a destructive way, but I always kind of wondered what that was or what that's maybe attributed to. And it seems like there may be something there.

[00:19:22] David: that's absolutely right. When we experience that connection with a person, we are experiencing a version of that oneness with that underlying energy, with that creation energy, And so, because that energy, by its nature, is a feminine energy, when we connect with a woman in that way, we are connecting to that energy.

[00:19:42] David: And a part of us, That needs that energy a man has to have that energy in his life He has aspects of it himself, but most powerfully it's going to come into his life through the women in his life Through his mother and through his spouse. And so when we connect with that we feel that wholeness It's not because we're not whole ourselves It's that because in the duality in the creation, right when we experience that with another being we experience kind of like a shadow of that Oneness. so when people feel heartbroken and they're desperate for that connection, that's what leads to this kind of destructive behavior.

[00:20:21] David: Let me find it wherever I can, however I can, or let me numb myself to the pain and turn to drugs and alcohol and distraction, Or let me pour myself into work so that I don't have to feel how painful this heartbreak feels because of how disconnected I now feel from that energy.

[00:20:40] Hector: Yeah. I love where this is going. if you guys are sticking with us, which I'm right here. So this has been so, so needed. We're going to get into like, okay, so how do we do it? what do we do? But before that, I want to hedge one more way and, give one more bit of a context here and pick your brain on the idea of. Being a people pleaser. I think that that's a theme that's come up on a lot of these conversations and something that I've seen in myself And a lot of guys my age and we're not here to point fingers, but I can attribute it to growing up and being raised primarily by women and by having mostly women teachers and spending most of the time with, my mom and, female caregivers and, having the idea of what they thought a man should be and, and how he should think and act that's at least for me right now, what I can. Attribute to kind of this people pleasing mentality or even that idea of, I heard it, I can't tell you how many times growing up and in my engagement period, happy wife, happy wife, happy life kind of thing. And it's like, perhaps, but not at the expense of your own. Happiness and self worth and boundaries and that whole thing. So, I don't think it's being the, people pleasing whatever that kind of archetype is. So how might it be different that kind of archetype

[00:21:57] David: that's a really good question. so my understanding is that, people pleasing is a strategy.

[00:22:02] Hector: like the Mr. Nice guy type persona,

[00:22:04] Hector: right?

[00:22:04] David: right. So like, people pleasing is if I am a child, And I am dealing with a wounded mother or a wounded, Adult figure, who has their own distorted view of how a child should behave.

[00:22:20] David: And if you don't behave that way, then love's not flowing. Or anger is going to flow, Then, for some children, the strategy is, let me conform myself and distort myself and my being to whatever I think it's going to take, so that I will win your approval.

[00:22:40] David: Because only if I win your approval, will I get your love. That's what we're looking for. Love is supposed to be unconditional. The only thing that keeps it from being unconditional is woundedness, is pain. And misunderstandings about that pain and about the experiences that we have. So when we're dealing with somebody who's wounded, and we're a small child who does not have a fully formulated mind, then a very effective strategy for learning how to deal with a person like that is, let me shape myself, let me mold myself, Let me not be who I am authentically, because when I express myself authentically, a child Acting out is a child expressing, I don't feel good with this situation.

[00:23:20] David: Something about this situation is hurting. I don't like it. It doesn't feel good. A child cannot say that,

[00:23:26] David: but a child can act out.

[00:23:28] David: A child can be angry, but if a mother sees that anger and says, no,

[00:23:34] David: that's not okay, and slaps that child down, , either physically or emotionally, then that child is going to learn.

[00:23:41] David: I'm not okay the way that I am. If I express how I feel, it's not okay. So let me learn. Right now, the mind is really starting to come in. What do I need to do to get that approval? If it's not unconditional, how do I need to behave? So, that becomes our habit. That becomes our modus operandi. And that becomes what we take, not only through childhood, but into our adolescence.

[00:24:08] David: Into our young adults and into our adult stage until the point that we become aware of that. And so if we bring that into a relationship, holy shit, that is a recipe for disaster, Because in other words, it means if we have a partner who is wounded, who is not aware of their wounds, and we have this people pleasing personality, then there is going to be zero authenticity or very little authenticity.

[00:24:31] David: We're going to have one person who feels offended and hurt and when the other person acts a certain way, and then that person is going to be completely distorting themselves and not acting according to what they actually feel and what their actual needs are, because their hope is, if I act a certain way, if I meet my spouse's expectations, only then will I get her a particular way.

[00:24:57] David: That lack of being their true self, the other person feels that it's profoundly uncomfortable and it's just going to create a spiral, Where then they're going to react to that behavior. There's going to be more of that people pleasing. And that's just one strategy. There are many strategies that we take.

[00:25:13] David: So that is not what we're talking about here, Because Winnie Winwin's heart is not about distorting ourselves. It's not about twisting ourselves into a knot to satisfy. The wants of another person,

[00:25:27] David: winning a person's heart happens only when we are authentically embodying our being, our heart is open, and as a man, we're able to hold space for the heart of a woman and to allow her to be and blossom as she is. Now, that's a very high level, abstract way of describing it, because it entails a lot of things.

[00:25:51] David: The first thing that it entails is that in order to win a woman's heart, a man has to learn what is blocked inside of him.

[00:25:59] David: We have to learn where. are these pains? Where are these traumas? Where are these emotions stuck in me? Where are the limiting beliefs that I have about myself, about relationships that I developed, at a young age? What are the strategies that I'm using? It starts with opening up to these things.

[00:26:18] David: It starts with recognizing and learning what these habits are that we've developed over so many years. That's one of the first steps.

[00:26:26] Hector: How might that seep out? You know, Transparently been challenged with some sleep talking stuff, where I'm saying stuff that is unprocessed or on, dealt with kinds of things. And I was talking to a. good friend who's psychologist and what was interesting is what he shared is that although I'm being an asshole at a certain person like this wife, I'm just being a total dick to her and although it may seem like it's directed to her.

[00:26:53] Hector: He said that it's likely That rage or anger or whatever is built up is, towards somebody else that's not been dealt with and is now kind of coming out and directed at this other person who didn't cause it. And that's in a. A very, perhaps again, comical kind of way, frankly, and perhaps an obvious thing of, Hey, there's something that needs to be dealt with here. But is there any other things, any other ways that these sorts of things are undealt with stuff that is blocking us might come out that guys aren't even aware of.

[00:27:25] David: I had a therapist, who the way she framed it for me was,

[00:27:29] David: Anytime we find ourselves behaving in a way that doesn't feel proportionate to the circumstance, Chances are, we're dealing with something that is unresolved. Now I remember exactly how she said it. If you respond to a situation, At a 7 or 8 out of 10 in terms of intensity, chances are you're dealing with something unresolved.

[00:27:49] Hector: It's likely

[00:27:51] David: It's very likely.

[00:27:53] Hector: most things aren't that big of a deal.

[00:27:55] David: Yeah, exactly. And most things in relationship that cause us get angry and to act, in hurtful ways towards others, most of them are not that big of a deal. Most of them would be manageable. But because we jump to that 7 intensity levels or even higher is because Again, we had an experience at a young age that was so hurtful, And the way that we responded to was anger, And so we respond in anger, that anger gets shut down. So we're not allowed to express that anger. So we keep that bottled up. Now a new situation comes along. We've got a new relationship, And if our partner acts a way that even remotely resembles the situations that we felt disempowered in as a child, Then boom, that reaction is going to come right back right away, and that's the sign.

[00:28:40] David: If it's a sudden jump in a level of intensity, if it's a sudden level of reaction, and it could be anger, it could be fear, it could be a sudden desire to run away and leave the conversation, whatever the range of emotions is, if it's at that level of intensity, then the chances are, it is something unresolved.

[00:28:59] Hector: Yeah. So then what, David?

[00:29:01] David: Okay. All right,

[00:29:03] Hector: Now that we've identified it.

[00:29:04] David: Yeah. Okay. So this is not, there's no get rich quick here. Right.

[00:29:07] Hector: No, no, David, this needs to be a three

[00:29:09] Hector: step process. I needed to be able to do it in 10 days.

[00:29:12] Hector: And, uh,

[00:29:14] David: Yeah. No, this is okay. So, one thing that my teacher in India shared with all of us is that, to develop an open heart is the most difficult thing that we can do in life.

[00:29:26] David: It is the most challenging thing that any person can undertake. That's what he shared with us. But it's also the most noble, And as a child, I was always drawn to movies like Last of the Mohicans or movies like Braveheart, where the hero was a man who was willing to do whatever it took to reach the highest that he was reaching for.

[00:29:53] David: And very often it was love. it was the love of a woman. There was no obstacle that he was not willing to cross. There was nothing that would stand in his way that he was not willing to meet and overcome. And that's the attitude that we need. We don't have to be warriors in the sense that we have to fight these things.

[00:30:14] David: But this experience of the reason why it's so difficult is because there's so much that we are carrying in our hearts. It is so much emotion that is packed away in there. The more in pain we are, the more stored away in there. And so, One, there has to be clarity on what is it that we're doing and why is it that we're doing it.

[00:30:34] David: In other words, there has to be a clear vision. Why do you want to do this? What kind of life do you want to create? What kind of relationship do you want to have with your wife? What kind of relationship do you want to have with your children? What kind of levels of success do you want to have in all areas of your life?

[00:30:50] David: And I'm not just talking about material success and the amount of money that you want to have in your bank account. I'm talking about the level of fulfillment that you want to feel in your life. And I'm talking about the experience of purpose that you want to feel in what it is that you do. I'm talking about the level of having a sense of meaning that what you're doing has some significance and is connected to something greater than yourself and is benefiting the world and is actually uplifting others as opposed to just benefiting yourself.

[00:31:19] David: We have to create, in my experience, this is how I help people, we have to create a very clear Crystal clear vision, And I'm not just talking about visualization, but I'm really developing a felt sense of this is who I want to become. This is the man that I want to become. This is the level of connection to God that I want to feel.

[00:31:39] David: This is the fulfillment that I want to have. And then when we feel that, okay. Perfect. This is what you're working towards. And now, we need this will and this determination that we are willing to face whatever is going to come. And it's not going to come in a battle. It's going to come in these inner feelings.

[00:31:59] David: And in these experiences with our relationships, So, let's say once we've identified these things and we've learned how to meet them, And there's all kinds of modalities. There's all kinds of different therapy styles that we can use, The kind that worked in particular for me were somatic experiencing therapy, internal family systems therapy, craniosacral work, there was all kinds of things that I did.

[00:32:22] David: This was the recipe that was unique to me. It's not going to be the same for anybody else. But the point is this, once we develop that clear vision, that creative energy receives that Vision it wants us to succeed. It is like a mother, an unconditionally loving mother. And so when we develop a clear vision of what we want for our life, that energy is going to start to create the circumstances in our life.

[00:32:50] David: To help us get to that point, it will support us. And part of the way that it supports us is by showing us exactly what it is that we need to work on, what it is that we need to open up to and what it is that we need to process and feel and integrate and overcome. So that we can move upwards towards that state that we have envisioned for ourselves.

[00:33:12] Hector: Yeah, one of the frames that I think is helpful that I don't think it was really introduced, I don't remember ever hearing it growing up, until being married. And that's that your partner is there to create, the highest level spiritual and personal development, I mean that, they are there through which to help you grow into the person that you're supposed to be and that wasn't the frame growing up. frame growing up was that you're supposed to grow old and, be happy together happily ever after forever.

[00:33:43] Hector: And there was this, you know, idea of being old and just old couple, that's just sweet and never argued enough, you know, like, everything was supposed to be easy. And so all of a sudden you run into challenges and then you start to say, well, maybe this person's not meant for me because the relationship is challenged. and I think that that frame. just that frame alone is, so paramount to, relationships

[00:34:07] Hector: these days.

[00:34:07] David: I'm so glad you mentioned that because it's a false expectation. It's a false expectation that we've created for ourselves and that was created for us. And life is full of false expectations. in so many different ways, But let's stay focused here because you're absolutely right.

[00:34:22] David: The thinking is you're going to meet the person that's right for you, you're going to get married, and then it's just going to be happy and setting off into the sunset together, and then life is going to be a breeze. But that's not the reality. That's not actually how it is. The reality is that we are going to reflect to each other what it is that we most need to learn.

[00:34:43] David: And we are going to, because we're carrying this energy inside of us, we're going to attract people to us that are going to bring that out. And they're going to act in ways that are almost like... Just the exact script that we had as children with our parents and the wounds that we have, we're going to find them in our relationships.

[00:35:01] David: They're going to repeat themselves in our relationships with our spouse. They're going to repeat themselves in the relationships with our children. But this is a gift, because this is life providing the opportunity, the mirror. If we were not in relationship, we could easily avoid these things, but then we would avoid growing.

[00:35:22] David: We would avoid really being able to step up into our potential. We would avoid the possibility to awaken to who we truly are, that is beyond all this pain. What it is that we're truly carrying inside, this creative potential, this stillness, our soul. Love, all these things that we inhabit, that we carry inside of ourselves, we're not able to access them if we're not able to move through these things.

[00:35:45] David: And so our relationships provide the incredible opportunity to do that. it's a gift. And so if we, if we continue this thread, if we learn how to open up to these things, we learn how to meet these things, then we are able to start to truly be in relationship with another. We're actually not truly in relationship with each other if we're coming from these wounded places. We are never actually fully seeing the other person. Because we are seeing through the lens and through the filter of our habits of our woundedness and most of the conversations are not us actually hearing and receiving the essence of what they're saying, it's staying in our minds and very often being in a defensive state.

[00:36:37] David: Getting ready to justify ourselves and to justify our actions or to bite back, and to punch back and say, well, what about you? Why are you doing this? We're not actually relating to each other from soul to soul, from heart to heart.

[00:36:54] Hector: Well, and I think that just getting out of our own ways, it creates a, fresh soil for the relationship. Otherwise it's so, tainted with impurities. So we're coming up here on the end of the episode, but you know, we're going to have to bring you back for part two or something, because this is, I know a lot of the guys are like, what's we're ending now.

[00:37:12] Hector: I know, but we have things to do around here guys. And chances are, if you saw a two hour interview, not Joe Rogan yet, but what's the hook, if you will, or what's at the end, is this all an internal thing? And

[00:37:22] Hector: then, all of a sudden, things start to change, which I'm sure that happens too, but is there another piece to it?

[00:37:27] David: Yeah. There is. So it's not entirely internal. Because we have to learn to connect to the energy that's coming through another person. We have to learn how to open up to that light and we have to learn how to open up to that love. And that's the relationship. We have to be in relationship with another. So, I know we're not going to get a chance to go through the full depth of it right now.

[00:37:46] David: But essentially what happens is that once we are able to process these things inside of ourselves, and once we're able to start to see these patterns occurring in our life, and in our relationship, then we can start to make choices. They were not conscious before. We could not choose before. It was automatic.

[00:38:04] David: It was habitual. it was such a deeply ingrained behavior that it almost felt like we had no choice. Now we can start to see ourselves feeling a certain way. Now we can start to recognize the situation. Oh, right. I'm feeling afraid of this. I'm feeling afraid that she might leave me. I'm feeling afraid that she might hurt me.

[00:38:20] David: I'm feeling afraid that she might reject me. And now we can start to share this. And then we can start to see. the other person, And we can start to see, oh, you're feeling this way. And we can start to create space for her emotions. We can start to create space for her ups and downs, Because one of the biggest things that I have found that men suffer from It's Mr.

[00:38:41] David: Fix It Syndrome. We want to fix everything. We want to fix ourselves or we avoid ourselves. But if our wives come with a problem, we want to give them a solution. We want to help fix them. And if they are a problem in our life, in other words, if they feel like a source of disharmony, then we don't just want to fix the problem.

[00:39:00] David: We want to fix them. We want to change them. And that feels terrible. Because what we're communicating is love and accept you the way that you are. With whatever it is that you're bringing to the relationship. And that's one of the most critical steps. The moment our heart is able to open enough, not just to what we're carrying inside, but to what our spouse is carrying, or our partner is carrying.

[00:39:25] David: And we give them space. Miracles start to happen. Because once we allow a woman to express herself the way that she wants, and sometimes that means she just needs to rant. And sometimes it means she needs to share. And sometimes it means she just needs space. And she needs a little bit of distance and time to process her feelings and her emotions, and doesn't want to talk things through in that moment.

[00:39:51] David: And once we can allow her To come up and present the way that she wants to, and we can allow her to express however she feels she needs to in that moment, then it's like waves. The storm is going to come in real hard and the waves are real high and we're going to feel like we're going to be overwhelmed.

[00:40:11] David: But if we're in that central heart space, where we feel connected to that love, because there's no longer those blocks. Then we can ride those waves. We don't have to do anything about it. We can just love her and that love is what she needs to feel. That's what she didn't feel as a child. It's what she isn't feeling from us.

[00:40:32] David: And once she starts to feel that love and her love is flowing, then whatever she's going through. She can move through it, she can process it, and I've seen incredible things where my wife comes, she's either super upset about a situation, or she's super upset with me, and I'm just there, I'm just listening, I'm holding the space, I'm seeing that love that's inside of her no matter what, and after just sharing and expressing, she just melts into my arms.

[00:41:01] David: And then tells me how safe she feels and how grateful she feels. To tie it all together. Now her heart is open to me. Now her love is flowing to me. And now, because we all carry this connection to that fundamental energy, to that fundamental love that makes up the entire world, the entire universe, there is now a singular source in the creation.

[00:41:29] David: That is letting that love flow directly to you. And that creative love is now flowing into your heart and into your life. And that is the most powerful force in the universe. When we win a woman's heart and her love flows to us. It is like jet fuel to empower us to create everything that we want to create.

[00:41:51] David: It is jet fuel for us to interact with life and for life to give us what it is that we're looking for and what we're putting in the effort for. And that's when we start to feel a level of flow and success and trust and faith in life. And we start to experience levels of success that we could not have otherwise.

[00:42:08] David: And that. Is due to a woman's love

[00:42:13] Hector: Yeah, we're going to have to bring back for a masterclass on this because, I think we've provided some great context and now the guys are chomping at the bits of like, all right, this is something that I know We're all needing. And similarly, because those models and those examples and even just the blueprint hasn't been laid out for us.

[00:42:30] Hector: So people want to get more connected. Where's the best place to go and find out more about

[00:42:36] David: right now. The best place is, soul centered founder, soul centered founder. com. that's the organization that I have to help, entrepreneurs who are looking to succeed, but are struggling. And I give them the tools and everything that they need to find. Their way, And this is a big part of it.

[00:42:51] David: so they can reach out for free discovery call. I'm happy to talk to anybody, even if you don't feel like an entrepreneur, but you just feel like you're struggling. You have a calling in life. You have something that you want to fulfill, but you just don't feel like it's working out. Just schedule a call and I'm happy to talk to you.

[00:43:05] Hector: We're definitely going to bring you back on. Because this is something that is near and dear to my heart and I just, I found that a lot of guys are, if they're not going through it now, maybe we can save them some pain and avoid, that place because it's not great to be there, but necessary, you know, in all of our own evolution. So fellas, we appreciate being here and thanks for sticking with us. wherever you get your podcast, we would love and appreciate a rating or review. If you know a guy who needs to hear this or someone who's going through it or, or maybe you don't even know, but as I'm saying this, there's a guy that pops into your head. send him this episode and just let him know that you're thinking about him, that you love him. And, let's grow this tribe together. always, we appreciate you being here. we'll see on the next one. Later, y'all