Expanding Your Range and Evolving as a Man with David Arrell

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellas, I hope this episode finds you well. I hope this episode leaves you better than when it found you. and as always, I'm honored and humbled to be on your journey and thankful and grateful that you're a part of mine. today's episode is a second part of a two part episode with David Peralta, on this one, we talk about how to win a woman's heart.

[00:00:19] Hector: And if you haven't listened to the first episode, go back and listen to that one. Although probably not totally necessary. You could listen to this one and get a ton of value out of this one. You could listen to that one and get a ton of value out of that one and be amazing. Fantastic, , men, when you combine the two, though, I think it really, really gives you both the context and then also the blueprint for how to do this and not only how to do this, but why, and we talked about on the last one, a lot about the why, and this one is really about the how.

[00:00:48] Hector: here's a little sneak peek. It's not what you think, so much of what I thought making a relationship better was about improving the relationship and sometimes that is What's necessary, but oftentimes what's missed is that it's just the individuals need to heal, improve, grow themselves and come back to the relationship in a better place.

[00:01:09] Hector: that's such a revelation. Let's get into today's episode with David Peralta.

[00:01:16] Hector: David, welcome back to the modern masculinity podcast. How are you, my man?

[00:01:20] David: I'm doing great. It's great to be here again.

[00:01:22] Hector: this is cool. they're actually the second. person to come back. We heard, Ben Gibson, on the first episode, he talked about preparing to go climb Denali, this huge mountain.

[00:01:31] Hector: And then in the second episode, he came back and he talked about what that experience was like, and it was a crazy experience. if you haven't heard those two episodes, go back and listen to it. But if for some reason you're still listening to this episode and you haven't listened to the first one with David, make sure you go back and listen to that as well.

[00:01:45] Hector: we're here to talk about. winning your woman's heart.

[00:01:47] Hector: I remember when David reached out to me and talking about this concept of winning a woman's heart and how important that was. It just resonated with me, because I've, shared a lot about my own challenges. But that seemed to be the thing that would actually have a chance at working out. We could get upset. We could start blaming. We could start doing all these other things. And it's just, felt like all of that doesn't actually move us and back in the direction. So, David, I'm gonna, I'm gonna look for you to kind of get us a starting place.

[00:02:13] Hector: Thanks.

[00:02:14] Hector: for if they're realizing they're in this position, there's a disconnect. I even think that maybe to add more color to it, I'm seeing a lot of reels and social media and podcast stuff about this evolution of relationships and how the person that you married at the beginning is oftentimes not the person that you're 15 years later, and

[00:02:31] Hector: that you have to take part in that recommitment really is it seems to be.

[00:02:35] Hector: and I know that in that place, it's so easy to go the other way and go screw her, whatever, you know, there's so many other ways to go, but I don't know if saving is the right word, but it seems like this is the key. this is the thing.

[00:02:48] Hector: So tell us where we start. kind of lay a foundation, if you will, and help us to see how we might take some steps towards this.

[00:02:54] David: Okay. All right. so just in case people haven't listened to the first episode and they're just diving into this, the importance of winning a woman's heart for a man in order for him to reach his highest potential in order for him to be reaching the levels of success that, he's always dreamed of winning a woman's heart. In my experience and in what I've learned is an essential part of this process and a very, long story short format. The reason why it's so important is because women have an incredible connection to power that's inside of them. That's inside of everything that is really embodied inside of a woman.

[00:03:30] David: And when a woman's heart opens up to a man, that power flows to him. That love flows to him and that empowers. His vision for life that empowers his impulses that empowers, whatever desires he has for his life, for his family, for himself. And so that's why it's so important. That's why it's so critical.

[00:03:52] Hector: Can we stop and maybe just for the guy who's listening and saying, well, David, what if I don't have that, think we're coming from a place where maybe we already have a partner, girlfriend, wife, whatever it is, is there part of this conversation to be said for that guy who is, single, can you also kind of add how that might play

[00:04:07] Hector: in as well?

[00:04:08] David: Absolutely. So, It doesn't have to be a romantic partner for many of us in midlife. That's often going to be the case, Or that's where we're struggling right now, Where the, challenge is we're struggling with that relationship. It's not quite flowing. It isn't quite reaching a place where we envisioned, or maybe it's far from that place. but for people who are single, it can be any woman. It can be your mother. It can be a close friend. it can be a cousin. It can be anybody to whom you really open your heart and they open their heart in return. Basically, somebody who ends up having so much faith in you, who ends up believing in you, who ends up feeling safe with you, who feels like you both can be yourself with each other.

[00:04:54] David: You can be in that vulnerable space with each other. that can be any woman, in the world. It doesn't have to be a romantic partner, but many of us, a romantic partner, a spouse, a wife, a girlfriend is the one that we are with, day in and day out.

[00:05:08] Hector: Yeah, I think that's a great point because I know I went through it where there was this. Like searching for validity I've talked about that a lot the show that my whole journey for life was searching for that validity from a woman. I didn't realize what that was.

[00:05:22] Hector: So when you started talking and you're saying about this, you know, energy flows, I'm like, that's what I was searching for. Because I knew that when I had that, when I knew that whether it was from my mom or a girlfriend or whatever, that Things just seemed easier. I don't know. I was able to focus more.

[00:05:35] Hector: There was more creativity. There was more energy. There everything just seemed to flow more. so when you said that, it just made me feel less crazy, a little bit, but I'm also wondering, is there a place where. Someone goes out and is searching too much, Maybe it's the dark side of that, where they're out every night at the bars or they're out, doing whatever, almost looking for this in the wrong way. Is that possible

[00:05:57] David: Oh, 100%. That's actually where, unfortunately most men are. and that's how many relationships start. in other words. Every person needs to have that balance of both energies inside of them, the masculine and the feminine. When we have that balance inside of us, then we can be present, we can be authentic, We're embodying who we are, and we're bringing that to the relationship. Whereas if we are wounded, and we feel a lack of the feminine energy, And we go searching for that energy outside of us, then we're reinforcing that lack, Because no matter how much we try to get it from outside, every time we try to get it from outside to fulfill us inside, we are essentially fulfilling The belief the mindset that we are lacking inside and that it has to come from an outside source. And that's always going to come across as, neediness clinginess, or kind of the other end of the spectrum, which is trying to kind of be forceful and dominate, and all of these things are kind of antithetical to what a woman needs, which is to feel safe and accepted. For who she is and how she is and all her ups and downs.

[00:07:11] Hector: interesting is you, kind of made this contradiction, When the sense of and life is a contradiction. So that's not to say that. Yeah, a paradox, too seemingly contradicting. Things actually true in the sense of we do receive this from outside. There is this summer thing, but we can't search it.

[00:07:25] Hector: So it's like this middle path that we have to kind of walk, right? And what's interesting is you talk about I come from the Mr. Nice guy kind of side of that spectrum where, I would be indirect.

[00:07:37] Hector: I would be passive aggressive. I would be all of these things to try and get my needs felt, other than being direct, other than just being clear, because I was frankly afraid of being the dominant, forceful, aggressive, didn't want to be seen in that light, so I went so far the other way, but what you're interesting is that you're making me realize that they're coming from the same place.

[00:07:56] Hector: we're just trying to meet our needs and we're doing it in a different way.

[00:07:59] David: That's exactly right. That's exactly right. basically, like you're saying, if you're coming from a place of unmet needs, it's going to be very difficult to get those needs met because usually what's going to happen is we're going to find two sides of the same coin. If we have unmet needs, we're probably going to attract somebody who also has unmet needs. And so if we're coming from a place where our needs are unmet. And they are coming from a place where their needs are unmet. Nobody has the capacity to fulfill anybody's needs because everybody's waiting for fulfill my needs first, and then I can fulfill yours. And that's just a recipe for imbalance and disharmony.

[00:08:36] Hector: I feel like that is the, standard for today's relationships though. I mean, it just seems like so far off the radar that. have to imagine that most people are walking into relationships like this.

[00:08:46] David: Yeah. Yeah. I'd say 95 percent probably.

[00:08:49] Hector: it gives credence the divorce rate. It gives credence to all these kinds of things where people don't even have the awareness of it. so, okay, I think we've woken up, we're aware of this need. I would assume that if you're listening to this show, you're probably coming from a place of.

[00:09:03] Hector: some healing. I mean, I would say that that's 95 percent of people unless you're, the Buddha or whatever. I mean, we all have some healing to do. So, if that's the case, where do we start?

[00:09:13] David: Yeah. So the place where I recommend that people start is, by first creating the vision for what is the destination? What is the highest aim that we're shooting for? Because if we just get started and we don't really know where we're headed, it's like you want to go on a road trip, but you don't have a destination.

[00:09:30] David: Where are you going to end up? You're going to go this way. You're going to go that way. You're not really going to end up. Anywhere in particular, but if we develop a clear vision for what is it that we want in life? What is it that we want in our relationship? What is the highest aim that we can envision for ourselves and the way that I usually encourage people to do?

[00:09:51] David: This is not a typical Kind of visualization exercise. I don't have people envision, what their best day would look like I ask people in the work that I do with men entrepreneurs and whoever else I work with to go to the last moments of their life to go essentially to their deathbed in the moments before they're getting ready to transition and to imagine that in those moments, they have achieved everything that they came here to achieve. They have done everything that they were meant to do and every aspect of their life. Reached its highest potential and its highest fulfillment, and I help people go into a very relaxed state so that those answers can come from inside of themselves from their soul, not from their mind, not from what they think that they want, but from a deeper place inside, and then it's okay. What is the highest vision you have for who you want to become? What are the qualities that you want to embody? And now see yourself having embodied those over the course of your entire life. And now, how does that feel? How did it feel to live that way in your relationships? What is the highest that you could envision there? The highest open heartedness between your wife, You and your spouse, you and your partner. whatever it is, the highest love.

[00:11:10] Hector: So, what is the highest expression of love? And what does that look like? And what does that feel like? And to have people really envision. Their spouse, their wife, their significant other, Or if they don't have one at the moment, envisioning themselves developing that, And having her look at you with the highest amount of love, with eyes full of pride, with eyes full of a sense of, gratitude for the man that you became, And then across all areas of life. I asked people to develop that vision. So, in their career, what did they accomplish? And it's not necessarily like details in terms of like, I did this.

[00:11:47] David: It's more, what was the impact that you had? How did you help transform people's lives? How did you help uplift them? What's the highest vision that you could create for that?

[00:11:56] Hector: Dave, you were talking, one of the things that came up when you were talking about it coming from your soul.

[00:12:00] Hector: think that's so important because so many people, myself included, the first answer is going to come off of our brain

[00:12:06] Hector: and the challenge with that is in this whole process, I realized that so much of what I thought I wanted, I didn't actually want

[00:12:11] Hector: or what I thought I wanted so badly. I wasn't sure that I actually Wanted it was just what someone else had told me that I should want.

[00:12:20] Hector: It was what someone else expected of me. and what I think is so challenging for guys is that we think we want it, In our brains, we're operating on this programming, not realizing that it's just a programming, you know, it's just like you used to have to spend 7 8 hours installing your operating system on this disc.

[00:12:38] Hector: And then, you know, if you were to put a new set of discs in there, you'd have a totally new operating system. And

[00:12:42] Hector: that's, what I know I had to do. And I I would imagine that a lot of guys had to do is to. Unpeel all of those different layers and to really get down to, like we said in your soul and figure out what is it that you actually want?

[00:12:53] Hector: Because if you set out on this path that you're talking about you're going to a destination that you didn't actually want to end up at, it was just where someone else told you to go.

[00:13:02] Hector: All of a sudden, if you end up there. You're not happy. You're resentful. You're unfulfilled. There's all these sorts of things.

[00:13:07] Hector: And you're like, I thought I was walking this path towards where it was supposed to be going. I'm here and it's still not feeling the way that that I thought it would feel.

[00:13:14] David: That's exactly right because there's no alignment. There's no alignment with your soul desires. There's no alignment with what your heart actually feels. It's exactly what you said. It's just conditioning. It's just programming that we took on from our parents, from society, from our own expectations that we've overcomplicated it. In thinking that we need to achieve something before we feel happiness and before we feel fulfilled. And really it is the opposite. We achieve the highest levels of success. Once we start living in a state where we feel full of fulfillment, we feel full of love and we feel full of happiness.

[00:13:59] Hector: One of programs that I had to drop for myself was this machismo kind of culture. grew up Mexican American What I didn't realize is that that culture has very clear ideas of how a woman should live and behave and acting and the whole thing.

[00:14:13] Hector: And I didn't realize that I had kind of adopted those things unknowingly. And so when my wife and I were starting our family and we were thinking about, what we were going to do, and somehow I don't even remember the conversation, but she remembers it pretty clearly that we decided that she was gonna stay at home with the kids and do the homeschooling like she was just gonna be at home with the kids and I was gonna go work and we're gonna work the traditional kind of thing we got about like two years into that process and realize that that was not working she is way too much of a go getter.

[00:14:38] Hector: She is way too power. Like She has. Different skills and strengths and a totally different purpose for her life than just that and nothing to take away from. I mean, I think that staying at home with kids is like one of the most important role. Like, not to cast that down, but it just wasn't a fit for her.

[00:14:53] Hector: And then I had to sit there and realize Oh yeah, I don't actually care about her being at home. But what was interesting is that when she started working a lot and traveling and crushing it. She's fucking ass kicker. I had all these weird insecurities pop up and I had all these weird triggers and I felt all these weird things.

[00:15:09] Hector: And it was like, intellectually, I knew I wanted to support her. And intellectually, I knew that I, wanted her to win. And it's like, yeah, you go have your career. But emotionally and internally, there was all these conflicts. And it was because go, go, go. I hadn't straightened that out. I hadn't realized, you know, one programming was for one thing when my actual desires or what I've really cared about was over here and it created this dissonance.

[00:15:30] Hector: Really?

[00:15:31] David: Yeah, absolutely. That's exactly what happens. That's what our minds will do. Yeah. Without us even realizing it, just like you said, following this program, I struggled with the exact same thing. I didn't even realize it until my wife started to say it. I'm also Hispanic. My parents are from Columbia. And then she started calling me out and she's like, I'm sick of this macho bullshit.

[00:15:50] David: I'm like, what are you talking about? Like saw myself completely the opposite. And then she started pointing out. the ways that in our relationship, mostly in conversation, how I would often feel like I needed to correct her or I needed to say things in a way that I felt was clearer or more expressive or better said, or I needed to make a point it's just in these ways where she's like, I'm fed up with that, like that kind of mentality.

[00:16:14] David: Like, I just don't want that. And that had to cause me to reflect like, Oh, this is deeper inside me than I realized. Like, even though I never, I Identified with that, I just kind of unconsciously absorbed that, it was in my blood. It was passed down from generation. And anyways, the point is, do we overcome this?

[00:16:34] David: kind of bringing it back to this thread of every single man. Is going to be bringing habits, programming, conditioning, wounding to a relationship that is going to make it very difficult and very challenging to win a woman's heart and for a woman to open her heart to us. So going back to, We develop this vision. What do we do next? We develop this vision of what we want the relationship to look like. What the highest potential for the relationship is. And we develop a vision for how we are going to be. And that's the critical thing. It is not about external achievement. It is not about what we have done in our life. It is what is the inner state. The inner feeling. That we want to embody how do we want to feel not what do we want to have accomplished because the moment we recognize how we want to feel everything can come from that and it doesn't matter. as long as we feel fulfilled it almost doesn't matter whether that fulfillment is coming as a result of X Y or Z what matters is it's that state of fulfillment it's that state of purpose it's that state of meaning and gratitude. And that happiness, that's what I want to be feeling. That's more important than the externalities. So once we develop that vision and that level of clarity on the inner state, the highest inner state that we can reach, Now comes the work. Now comes the effort. But already we've won kind of half the battle because now that we've created a vision, we now have a destination on the map. So now when we get into our car to move towards that destination, we know where we're going. Our efforts are going to be focused, they're going to be concentrated. So, in other words, before, if we got in the car, we don't know where we're going. We don't know if we're going to drive north, south, east, west, we don't know what we're going to do, but we're going to try something and hopefully at some point something sticks, but our energy is going to be really scattered. So the moment we have that crystal clear vision, then it doesn't matter if you take, the i5 or the 101. They're both heading north, and so you know that that's where you're going to be going. You're going north now. And if there's any distraction, and there's any diversions along the way, it's the same thing.

[00:18:53] David: Okay, no problem. I can go out of my way on this country road, because I know eventually I need to turn left again. And start heading north again. what that translates into, How do we take this action? What action do we take? How do we know what action to take in that vision? It is not just a visualization.

[00:19:11] David: It is an entire felt sense. We feel what it feels like to feel that connection. We feel what it feels like to feel that open heartedness. We feel what it feels like in that moment. So we're living in that state when it comes time to take action. We can look at every single possibility that we have and when we look at those different possibilities Some of those possibilities are going to trigger that feeling in us They're going to bring that whole felt sense that whole body feeling that we had and that's what tells us This is going to move me in that direction.

[00:19:46] David: In other words, there's an intuitive alignment that tells us if I go in this direction, this is going to be what takes me in that direction.

[00:19:54] Hector: Yeah, it's just so poignant. I posted today, at least the day of the recording, a clip from our episode with Matt Gilhooly. And it was all focused on emotions and feelings. And, the whole boys don't cry thing. And, that part of it. what's just interesting about what you're talking about.

[00:20:10] Hector: Is that with that context and that upbringing, boys don't cry. There's no crying in baseball. All of a sudden we get to adulthood manhood, we're dealing with like real life problems. And you're saying that the key is not a doing thing, but the key is a feeling thing. And all of a sudden we have Not even mastery with no understanding or awareness of our feelings,

[00:20:31] Hector: it's almost impossible for us to expect somebody to do what you're saying to kind of follow your prescription, without the tools or the resources or the skills or whatever it is, to do it So it's like it makes sense.

[00:20:43] Hector: Yeah. Men are, really, and women are going through too, but men are really suffering it's this disconnect between where we're headed and, the tools that we're given. it's almost like, we're loading up to walk across the desert and then we're not packing any supplies.

[00:20:57] Hector: It's like, well, no wonder we're, out here languishing. we don't have what we need actually succeed.

[00:21:02] David: Yeah. exactly right. I mean, it all kind of comes back to those unmet needs that we have, that we're bringing into every relationship. We're carrying that burden but the problem that those unmet needs create. Is a disconnect from our feeling a disconnect from our heart because essentially if we're carrying unmet needs, it means it hurt a lot, these are usually fundamental needs like the fundamental need to feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who we are, for just being who we are not for having to do a certain thing or behave a certain way. And when we don't receive that unconditional love. It is so painful. Most people don't realize how sensitive our hearts are and how sensitive our soul is.

[00:21:49] David: It is so sensitive. Our soul is meant to live in a state of divine love. Our soul is meant to be surrounded by love, to come into a family that is nothing but loving. And most of us come in to the opposite of that, where even if we have the most well intentioned parents, they're wounded, they're carrying pain. And that pain is so painful to the soul. And the lack of unconditional love that flows is so painful that what do we do? We have to shut down our heart. We have to shut down the part of us. That is open to feeling in order to just survive. And so now when we grow up, if we're still carrying that shutdown and most of us are, it is very difficult to tap into these feelings and these inspirations and this guidance that would tell us and move us in the right direction.

[00:22:41] David: And when we don't have feeling, where do we have left to go? And that's our mind. so as opposed to feeling into every single situation. Whatever it is, when we have to make a decision, whether it's a business decision or whether it's choosing a partner rather than feeling intuitively, does this feel like the right thing or not? We go into our head and we interpret and we judge, And those judgments and those interpretations are not based on what is actually going on. That's based on the programming,

[00:23:12] Hector: I've heard that there are two like big wounds it's either the, fear of abandonment or the fear of not being good enough. I've heard it with men, maybe it's with women, but that men are usually suffering from those two ones. I'm come from the abandonment camp.

[00:23:24] Hector: have you heard that before? Does that seem to resonate with you?

[00:23:26] David: mean, I've heard of those two fears. Absolutely. I'll raise my hand to both of those.

[00:23:30] Hector: if that's the case, you know, because I feel like awareness is, so big, That there are guys that are, they're like, I'm not afraid of being abandoned with, That's what I used to say all the time. And then I realized, like, why do I act this way? Why am I so scared? Oh, because I'm afraid she's going to leave.

[00:23:44] Hector: Oh, all these things. And it comes back to that fear of abandonment. if they know that it's usually a sense of unworthiness or a sense of abandonment, they know that are there strategies to help? With either of those or those are the things that we need to work on, are there things that might help with that sort of stuff?

[00:23:59] David: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. there's all kinds of modalities, Therapeutic modalities. There's all kinds of things that we can talk about that will help us get there. But essentially, what has to happen is we have to go back to feel. At some point, if we're afraid of being abandoned, it's because at some point we felt abandoned. At some point, we felt in that way.

[00:24:22] David: And it hurt so much when that happened. That we couldn't bear it and boom heart has to shut down because we cannot sustain that level of feeling if there's No repair if there's no reconnection, if that source of love doesn't come back And show us and give us the feeling that no i'm here. You're safe. I'm always going to be here okay, then we're not going to carry that fear, but if that doesn't happen and it doesn't always mean that the person physically leaves, it doesn't mean that mother leaves us or our father leaves us, but emotionally, if they're unavailable, if there's no love flowing through their heart, they might love us, but if that love doesn't flow through their expressions and their actions so that we feel it, then we are going to feel abandoned.

[00:25:05] David: And the same thing with Not feeling good enough, At some point, we felt like no matter what we do, no matter how we behave, no matter how we try to fit ourselves into whatever expectations our parents have of us, it's not enough because they seem to never fully open their hearts.

[00:25:20] David: They never seem to fully approve or fully accept who we are. And so we go through life and in work and in relationships that no matter what we do, it's never enough. But it means we carry that wound we carry that pain and so in order to fully integrate there has to come a point Where through one modality or another, we come back and are able to reopen our heart and feel that feeling of abandonment, feel that feeling of rejection, feel that feeling of what it felt like when we were not good enough and we were not accepted, and when we can open up to and feel that pain completely without running away from it, without distracting ourself from it, It is going to integrate. In other words, what happens at that point is our own energy, our own heart, our own soul. is able to hold that energy, hold that wounding, hold that pain and give ourselves that feeling of safety that, Oh, it's okay. I can feel this now. I'm not a child anymore. This is incredibly painful, but I don't have to run from this. And once we feel that completely, then we integrate it completely. Now her heart is open. Now our heart Is no longer carrying a pain that we've been carrying for decades that has caused us to behave in all these ways. To distract ourselves, to numb ourselves, to shut ourselves down, to push away the sources that feel like a threat, To fight against things that feel like they might hurt us, Or simply to just shut down in a state of overwhelm and feel like, this is all too much, I just can't deal with any of this, We don't have the need to do those things anymore.

[00:27:02] Hector: Yeah. I feel like this childhood wounding thing is, I important I mean, we're going to look back in 30 years and be like, yeah, well, that, of course, what did you guys think? but for us, it's such a new concept for guys to think that, what happened when we were 8, 10, 12 years old that we're still dealing with as a 30, 40 year old.

[00:27:19] Hector: guy that was essentially the core of that episode with Matt. He lost his mom when he was eight and essentially lived the next. Three decades of his life in the emotional fragility of an eight year old,

[00:27:31] Hector: and, and I say that not to cast any judgment. I did the same thing.

[00:27:33] Hector: I mean, I think for me, like my first wound, if I could kind of go back to it was like, my eighth grade girlfriend, like, where did this abandonment rejection? I mean, maybe it stems from babies, you know, childhood. that middle school, relationship. Everybody thinks it was no big deal.

[00:27:45] Hector: Whatever. They're just young kids. But like, for me, it was so, like you said, so painful to

[00:27:49] Hector: bear. And, realized that I carried that same kind of fear and insecurities into every single relationship Even now, I'm still trying to unpack that,

[00:28:01] Hector: And I think that guys mean, perhaps there are some that made it through without these kinds of experiences, but I feel

[00:28:06] Hector: like

[00:28:07] Hector: we're meant to, feel these things and life is so crazy that there's almost bound to be something that, that doesn't vibe with, Perfection, purity, you know, and so, so to think that we don't have these things, I think it's just, I want to just say that to that guy who's like, yeah, that's not me. Like, that's what I was saying. You know, I was like, what childhood wounds. I had such a great child. Like there was no imminent signs that said, Oh yeah, you've got to go back and work on this because it was, you know, from the outside, extremely traumatic, there's like a test. I don't remember the name of the test, but they have tests. that basically gives you like a number on how traumatic your childhood was, and

[00:28:40] Hector: they, you know, yes, that's one. the higher on the score, everything goes up, heart disease can't like, you know, everything goes up with it.

[00:28:47] Hector: I'm on the lower end of that and even still have work. we all have the work to do, which think, is an important thing to echo because that's not what guys are talking about. We're talking about accomplishing, doing succeeding.

[00:28:59] Hector: And it's like, yes, we want to push forward. But in order to push forward at the rate and with the fulfillment and, to actually have it be the experience that we want, we've We've kind of gotta look backwards and, clean that stuff up first.

[00:29:11] David: That's exactly right. We have to clean that stuff up. So then, going back to this, how do we do it? There's so many different things that we could do, There's so many different modalities, And there's so many like, in my case, it was when I started that work, I had no idea how to start because I couldn't feel it. I could only see the effects in my relationship. I could only see the damage that it was causing in my relationship with my wife and children, but I couldn't feel this thing. So I didn't even know where. To start, but when we develop that vision and when we start to develop that felt sense, even when we're not totally in touch with that felt sense, Just having that clear destination. It changes things you know, my background is 100 percent spiritual. And so I firmly believe that we are completely connected to the world around us. So that when we create a vision, when we have a crystal clear vision, that vision starts to interact with the energy of the world around us, and it starts to create circumstances in our life to support us moving towards that vision. And so once we have that vision, things will start to happen in our life. When it's really real, when it's really a felt sense, it's not just like some vague abstract visualization. Life will start to create circumstances to move us towards that destination. And our job is just to make the effort and to continue moving towards that destination.

[00:30:34] Hector: before you go there, 'cause gotta say that. Yes. Then we were even experiencing on the call, I gotta imagine that once you're on the right track, does that mean okay, we're feeling it and then all of a sudden like amazing, this amazing things start to transform in the positive ways or I'm wondering in my experience when I really get on the track with something.

[00:30:51] Hector: I start to get a little win, which is like, kind of gets your feet wet. Like the universe is like, here's a beginner's luck. But then there's this like

[00:30:58] Hector: challenge, this

[00:30:59] Hector: test.

[00:31:00] David: exactly.

[00:31:01] Hector: Talk about that part

[00:31:02] David: Okay, gladly, because what you're saying is exactly the case. So when we develop that vision, Life, the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, is going to give us circumstances that show us we are connected. We are one miraculous results like things that suddenly pop into our lives. It's like how did that happen? so we develop these visions We have clear intent and then suddenly life will start to come together to show us. Yeah, we're working together here We're connected. When you have some clarity, when you have that clarity, then you're going to be supported. So there's that first faith building experience to help you realize, okay, life is connected.

[00:31:42] David: I'm connected to life. We're all connected to each other. So it helps us to start operating from that place. But then what starts to happen is that that same energy. That same life is also going to create in our life all the circumstances to reflect back to us. You want to reach this state? You want to get to the top of the mountain?

[00:32:04] David: Here's everything that you need to work on. Here's everything that you need to overcome, Step by step, Here's this issue. You've got to deal with this, and I'm going to show it to you. And I'm going to show it to you. In your relationship. I'm going to show it to you at work and I'm going to show it to you from this angle with your kids, with your parents.

[00:32:24] David: And I'm show it to you over and over and over until you get it. Okay. I've got this pain, I've got to make the effort. So now again, there's a mini vision that has to happen. Okay, I want to overcome this. And we have to start to enter into relationship with life. We have to start to throw the ball back, It's almost like a prayer. I want to overcome this block. I want to overcome this pain. I want to overcome this feeling of abandonment that I'm carrying, so life will show us. Like, in your case, it's so perfect. At some point, You didn't know that was there at some point, life reflects it back to you.

[00:33:00] David: And you realize, Oh my gosh, I'm carrying a feeling of abandonment. I'm carrying a fear of abandonment. I'm carrying a fear of judgment of rejection of I'm not good enough. Okay. So now we go back to life. And if a person is religious, you know, you can ask Jesus. You can ask Buddha. You can ask mother Mary, If you're not religious, You can ask the universe. You can ask life, But there is a greater source in my experience. There's no getting through this without connecting to that greater source because we have to ask that source. Now help me overcome this, help me overcome this fear of rejection, help me open up to the pain, help me to do this, and now again, okay, we've given that vision, we've given that request back to life, now life is going to start creating circumstances where we have an inspiration, we suddenly have a thought, I should see a therapist, or somebody comes into our life and says, hey, have you ever heard of this kind of therapy? Or have you ever heard of this program and you're like, Oh, that's exactly what I need. And then we have to do the effort. We have to put in the energy, So we have to take the steps and go through the doors that life is presenting to us or go looking for the doors with faith that as long as we do so, we're going to be guided towards that vision. We're going to overcome. In other words, to have faith that as difficult as this feels, we're As painful as this is, we can overcome this and that I'm working in conjunction with life itself to overcome this and I will be guided and in my case, for example, when I realized there's all this conflict in my family, the first place that my wife and I looked. Was parenting coaches because we had a very difficult daughter. she was very challenging to us She was behaving in ways. Actually, I should say she wasn't difficult. She was having a difficult time Because of the lack of harmony between my wife and I and inside Of myself and inside of my wife, so we could not provide our daughter with that environment of unconditional love. So she was having a difficult time, extremely difficult. It was overwhelming for us. So the first place that we looked when we realized things cannot continue this way was parenting coaching. We thought we need to learn how to handle her and how to deal with her. And that helped hugely. So the point is, we took a first step, life presented a door, we went through it. And once we went through that door, we realized this is helpful, but this is not the root of the issue. And the root of the issue seems to be this conflict between my wife and I. Okay, so now we're realizing we need to work on that. So that's the next intention. And so then we look for coaches and we look for therapists and none of them are quite fitting.

[00:35:42] David: And my wife and I still continue to argue and it feels impossible. And we go through moments of helplessness and despair and hopelessness where we feel like we're never going to get through this. But I always have this faith. I know my destination. I know who I want to become and I know I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

[00:35:58] David: So I'm not going to give up and I'm going to keep going. And then suddenly we find. A couples therapist, and now we start to have couple therapy and things start to emerge. And then suddenly the couples therapy starts to fall apart and it starts to devolve and it starts to feel like there's no solution again. But through that, we start to realize, okay, the problem we have in our case was not with each other. The problem that we had was inside of us. now, That work starts. So now I can work with a therapist one on one. Now I start to work with somebody who can help me to open up to all this pain that I'd never opened up to. And now I can work one on one. Now I start to see this is it. It's here. I can feel it. It's in this part of my body. It's stored. It's been stored here. I've been holding it. This is why this part of my body has always felt cold. It's always felt contracted. This is where I need to go. This is where I need to open up and I start to develop the tools.

[00:36:51] David: And so it's this process, Where the biggest thing is we have that vision. We have that destination. We listen to what life presents to us. We take those opportunities and we keep making the effort through all of the ups and downs. And as long as we do this with faith, we will make it. We will reach that goal. And that's almost a guarantee. Like the spiritual teacher that I studied with in India, Sri Kaleshwar, like he said this over and over again. if you have a desire, if you have an intention. You're going to be taken through ups and downs, but as long as you don't give up, as long as you hold that vision through the ups and downs, you're going to make it, but it is in relationship with life.

[00:37:37] David: It's not on our own. It can never happen on our own.

[00:37:40] Hector: Maybe there's another 50 minutes to this episode. We've spent the whole, really two episodes talking about the word that came to mind is fixing, but that's my own programming. It's not a fixing the healing ourselves,

[00:37:51] Hector: Integrating.

[00:37:51] David: Making whole.

[00:37:53] Hector: Is that the bulk of this journey? Or is there a whole another chapter that's about, roses and valentine's day gifts and, whatever, like, is there another part to it that we're, missing? of course, there are tactics and techniques and stuff like that, but it's the bulk of the work internal.

[00:38:06] David: No. It's both. It's internal and it's external. We do the internal work so that we can interact with the external world from a place of wholeness. And that's the goal. Once we start interacting with the world around us from a place of wholeness, life transforms. Because now when we're carrying that integrated whole energy inside of us, that's what we see in the world around us. So we can start to see love and opportunity and light in the world where before there was only darkness and pain. And so one of the key things that happens, kind of to tie the circle, is when as a man, as men, we are able to integrate in this way and move towards wholeness. We don't have to reach 100 percent to start to do this. But once we're in that state, Of at least more whole and more integrated. Now we're able to see our wives. We're able to see our spouses. We're able to see the women in our life and we're able to accept them and love them the way that they are because before their behaviors that seemed so threatening and cause us to get angry or cause us to withdraw or whatever it was. Now we see, Oh, she's just in pain. She's just being triggered by something. She's afraid of abandonment. She feels like she has to have one foot out the door, And so we can hold this space space starts to develop inside of us when we're not full of. Unresolved emotions and pain. When that stuff resolves in us, there's a lot of stillness. There's a lot of space and there is a lot of love that is our nature. That is the nature of our soul is love. So now we can love, and this is the key to winning the woman's heart. Is to love her from that place of wholeness or moving towards wholeness and to love her in a way where she feels unconditionally accepted and we're not trying to change her and we're not trying to fix her and when she comes and she needs to talk something out and she needs to talk for an hour, we can just listen and when she needs to complain about whatever it is about us or about her life.

[00:40:19] David: Yeah. We can just listen because then what happens is that through that act of her being able to express In the space of unconditional love or at least more open love Those waves and those tsunamis start to calm down and then she's in a state of balance And now her heart can open and her heart can blossom and now her love is going to flow back to us Now her energy is going to flow back to us And now whatever vision that we had created initially for all these aspects of our life is now ten times, a hundred times empowered by a second being, by another person who is carrying that incredible creative power that we all have, but is especially present in women. so now we start to operate on a new quantum. On a new level and then the process continues in

[00:41:12] Hector: So to oversimplify things, step one, heal yourself. Step two, hold space for her, right? I I mean, it seems like that's, the thing that gets missed, Is that we have all this internal work left to do, we don't create opportunity for her to let's just call it, do the work with us, through her talking it out or whatever it is. But if we're coming at it and we're getting triggered and we're getting resentful and all this sort of stuff, then it doesn't allow that to happen. an oversimplified way? Is that kind of what it is? Yes.

[00:41:41] David: many ways. Yes. Yeah The only thing that I would add is step like 0. 5 is create that vision get really clear on what the aim is that is a necessary part of moving towards step one and step two.

[00:41:55] Hector: for fear of, making it too superficial or surface level, we've talked, we've gotten really deep today and it's gone exactly where it's supposed to go. Are there any tricks or like, quick wins and the reason asked about this is I think that quick win is really valuable to someone's faith.

[00:42:11] Hector: That there's seeing some sort of success or seeing it work, especially when they've tried so many things and it seems like there is no solution. Are there any like small little things like, in this instance, you might try that. Or, one thing that I like to do in this part is do this or, you know, in a certain situation, this kind of work.

[00:42:28] Hector: are there things that

[00:42:29] David: So yes, there are the thing is, you have to be able to wield those things. Like, you know, in other words, like there's all kinds of things that I can say. Like, for example, one of the simplest things is just shut up. When a woman is complaining, just shut up and listen. But the reason why not everybody is going to be able to apply that is you have to be in a place of stillness. If what a woman is saying is hurting you, if it's triggering that. Fear, then that's not a quick win.

[00:42:59] David: You're just going to be boiling inside while she's talking. So that's not something like all these things, that's why it's not so cut and dry. it's not so simple. But there are so many things that you can apply.

[00:43:11] David: Like for example, just be aware. Of Mr. Fix It, Just be aware of the part of us that's all the time trying to fix external circumstances and is all the time trying to solve our wife's problems, Either her external problems or her internal emotional states. Stop doing that. Like, that's another one of those things.

[00:43:30] David: But again, easier said than done,

[00:43:33] Hector: also doesn't mean just like ignore your wife and Just letter to the wolves, essentially, mean,

[00:43:37] David: No,

[00:43:37] Hector: again, it's this middle path that we've kind of talked about

[00:43:40] David: well, yeah. And this, actually applies to so many things. So many times, if we don't try to fix something, if we just let it be, the solution will present itself. And that's what happens very often, at least with my wife, when she has a problem with somebody and she comes and she just talks to me, I might have a solution.

[00:43:55] David: I might think like, Oh, why don't you just try this? But if I just listened to her inevitably. There has not been an exception to this case. If I just listen to her, inevitably there comes a moment where after the emotion has been processed inside of her, she knows exactly what to do and the solution arises from inside of her.

[00:44:14] Hector: for those of our listeners who they're in the spot of I'm doing all my work. It's her that needs to do the work, Perhaps, but like, how do you approach something like that where, you know, I find there's a lot of, guys who are into personal development and self help, whatever it is, and then their, partner isn't.

[00:44:30] Hector: And so it creates this disconnect or a disparity between seeming effort. in that instance where the guy is thinking like, maybe I've got some work to do, but it's her, that's the problem.

[00:44:41] Hector: How might you approach or navigate something like that? Okay.

[00:44:44] David: Yeah, so I am blessed to have a wife who we are eye to eye. We are like step by step, each one going up our ladder. of what we need to work through and in that way, it's incredible. However, every single new rung that we are at the same pattern presents itself. like what you just said, where all right, I'm presented with my issue. I've got to work through that issue, but I see she's not quite meeting her issue, And I can see what she doesn't, But the kind of ridiculous thing here is I forget if I can see what she doesn't 100 percent She is seeing what I don't inside myself Like I think I'm doing the work, There are blind spots that I have that I'm missing out of. If we are having an emotional reaction to the actions of somebody else, it means internally there's something going on inside of us. It means the work is not done. And I'll never forget, the same teacher in India when two of his students came to him and one woman was complaining about another woman, she's doing this, she's doing that, and she was really doing things.

[00:45:49] David: It's like, hey, this is not, this is not great. what he said to them was, she's not the problem. You are the problem. Yes, she's doing all these things. Like that's what he said. And what I always learned from that is, yeah, she's doing all these things, but you're the one who's being disturbed by it. If we don't get disturbed by it, we are not contributing to the problem. If we are not being disturbed by it, we are now actively contributing to a solution being found. Because if we're not contributing to the conflict and expecting the solution to come from the other person, we are now holding space. For the other person, on their own timing, to eventually realize whatever needs to be realized. And the more space we hold for that, the more love we're sending to them, the faster that's going to happen. And if we don't do that, if our hearts are closing and we're expecting them to realize something on their own, without our support and love, we're actively going to be creating conflict with them.

[00:46:46] Hector: it's such a weird mindset where like, find myself in it where I'm like pissed off because she's did something or not doing something. And then I'm like, well, going to withhold my love until you do what

[00:46:55] Hector: I wanted you to do. And then I'm like, but how is that ever going to work?

[00:46:59] Hector: when I play it through my head, I'm like, we're just going to be in this vicious cycle. to wait or expect someone else to kind of do it is just, I don't know. I don't think it's healthy, also I don't think it's fair either because like you were saying, she has a totally different perspective.

[00:47:11] Hector: And in her head, she's coming from a totally different place and maybe is doing things for a different reason or whatever it is. this is great. is there anything that hasn't been heard. Said or things that you're like, man, we did the second episode because we got through the first one.

[00:47:23] Hector: We're like, whoa, I feel like there was so much more to get into. Is there anything like that, that you just feel we haven't touched on that we need to get into

[00:47:30] David: Yeah. Yeah. and based on my personal experience, personal growth in a relationship between a man and a woman, I'm gonna try to find the right words for it. It is not the same path. One of the biggest traps that I fell into was an expectation that if I'm creating space for you, I'm going to expect the same space for me. So if I'm holding the space for you to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, then I want you to do the same thing for me or sometimes I want you to do it for me first so that then I can do it for you. And that mentality of first take care of me before I take care of you, that's another surefire way. To not lead to anything, but fundamentally there's a different dynamic. Men and women are different. We are equal, but we are not the same. We are equal, but we are not the same. everybody needs space and stillness in order to be able to process, If there's too much activity going on. Then we cannot feel what is happening that stillness and that space. That's a that's those are qualities of what in spirituality we call the divine masculine and activity and transformation and change. Those are. Qualities of the divine feminine.

[00:48:42] David: She's the one who's creating everything. He's the one that's just pure silence and stillness and potential so we are microcosms of that And when we have men in a relationship who are expecting the woman to hold that stillness It creates an imbalance and so there is something that at times might seem unfair, but that there is an additional level of responsibility on the man to learn how to tap into that silence and that stillness and do whatever work is necessary and then be the holder of that in the relationship.

[00:49:15] Hector: such a great point. I can't tell you how many times I've been saying this is not fair.

[00:49:20] Hector: Like I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, as you're talking, I'm nodding my head. I'm not ahead. Because in my head, I'm such a, even my kids, it's like, you get one, you get one, you get two, you get two. So, fairness and equal, you know, that was such a big thing for me.

[00:49:31] Hector: and then even as you're saying that, it's the man's responsibility, not that women don't have their own responsibility, but, specifically men to go into that stillness, To be part of that stillness That's our shield to take up. not like you said, not the Divine Feminine's shield Their job is to go out and make stuff happen and, be wild and frenetic and crazy. Sometimes that is what that kind of looks like. And our counterbalance, we have to be equally counterbalanced in the stillness to allow for that movement

[00:49:57] Hector: I may have shared on the last episode, but this concept of masculinity being like a furnace feminine, divine, you know, the feminine energy being the fire and that one without the other is pretty useless. When you put the two together, you can heat things.

[00:50:09] Hector: There's force. It's directed, but the furnace is there to create strength and structure and the fire is there to expand. And yeah,

[00:50:17] Hector: yeah. And that

[00:50:18] David: actually make things happen. Yeah.

[00:50:19] Hector: and that we as guys, we have to steal ourselves. We have to get strong and a furnace. You know, I've got this like cast iron furnace in my backyard from old neighbors.

[00:50:25] Hector: It's like it's thick. It's strong. It's their strength there. And I think that we, as men, we have to kind of build that same kind of thing

[00:50:31] David: so I will agree. think that that's such a beautiful metaphor, the only place where I would build on it from a slightly different perspective is, the structure that the furnace creates for that, because fire without the structure, it's just going to dissipate, But inside of that structure, it is given direction. It is given purpose, It's given a potential that it wouldn't otherwise

[00:50:51] David: have.

[00:50:51] Hector: smothered. So,

[00:50:53] David: not smothered. that's another really good point, but the only thing that I would be careful of is that that doesn't mean that as men we need to steal ourselves, And become hard like a furnace and to have, other words, the strength comes from openness. The strength comes from the ability to be open to everything. The strength comes from the ability to have our hearts open to anything, Either that's inside of us or that comes from our wife.

[00:51:21] Hector: so to kind of build on this analogy, perhaps the goal is not necessarily to strengthen the exterior, like you said, to harden ourselves, but to actually create space for a bigger furnace, To actually allow that space because if you've got a small little furnace. It's only going to put out so much heat in the output and it's only going to be so much, but if you've got a large furnace, now you can power a city.

[00:51:40] Hector: You can, you can move a train, like all these sorts of things happen when you start to increase that space, that you can create.

[00:51:45] David: That's exactly right. That's exactly right.

[00:51:47] Hector: David, Man, is there more? I don't want to cut it off. Is there more? this is your work though. And maybe we leave it here and maybe we land it here because I know this is like what you're doing and helping people with.

[00:51:57] Hector: haven't talked a whole lot about that, but I'd love for you to share, what you're doing, how you might help people. think that you mentioned some programs or stuff like that, but talk about what you're up to and how guys might be able to go deeper in your world.

[00:52:06] David: Yeah, absolutely. so people can find me at soul center founder. com. That's where I work with entrepreneurs. I work with founders, but basically I work with anybody who feels like they've got a calling. They're here for something. They've got a purpose. They feel like they're meant to live a life of greatness, but their life is not quiet. Like their actual externalities, not quite lining up with that vision they have for themselves. So anybody who feels that way, who's open to it, can book a free call with me. And I'm happy to talk to anybody, There's no pushing. There's no trying to get anybody into a program. Anybody who feels inspired, there's a reason.

[00:52:39] David: And I'd love to have a conversation with anybody who, feels that way.

[00:52:42] Hector: I love it. And we'll link all that up in the show notes. question, David, I used to ask, on the initial episodes that, I feel like I'm going to bring back today. At least it's in your opinion. what's the definition of modern masculinity?

[00:52:52] David: modern masculinity is really about being in this state of unconditional love that allows everything to arise the way that it's meant to. In other words, it is that field of potential. And when that field of potential and love interacts with others, it empowers them to reach their highest potential. And in the case of a woman. Being in the presence of that unconditional, silent, powerful love is what allows her flower, her heart to finally bloom and blossom and then to spread its love and its empowering energy back to us. And when we can hold that space, we are holding the highest masculinity and enabling others to reach their highest potential as well.

[00:53:40] Hector: So good, David. You're also, the only guest to make me cry, mid recording. so this has been so good. Maybe you'll grace us with, another one, part three, but, fellas, I know this one got to you. If you made it this far, I know it. so we appreciate you being here and, and importantly being a part of this journey with us.

[00:53:57] Hector: I just want to echo that, I know you're probably listening to this in your car or on your run you're probably alone, but we're right there with you. And with that being said, love for you to invite somebody into our community of guys send this somebody who might need it.

[00:54:08] Hector: there's probably someone that pops into your head, a guy, an old friend, a close buddy, someone work with or you play softball with or something like that, you just know that man, man. Yeah. he's going, through something.

[00:54:17] Hector: maybe you don't even send this episode, maybe just send him a text and just say like, yo, man, just wanted to check in on you. I can't, tell you how, I've gotten those recently and how much they mean. even if it's someone who you don't talk to a lot, just checking in.

[00:54:27] Hector: So reach out to a guy and, ask them if they're good. that goes so far. as always, we just appreciate you being here. We'll see you on the next one.