Health: Fitness, Fatherhood, and Friendship with John Authier

[00:00:00] Hector: Fellas, what's going on? I hope this episode finds you well, and I hope this episode leaves you better than when it found you. And as always, I'm honored and humbled that you're here alongside me, part of this journey, and that you would allow me to be a part of yours. And I'm grateful for that. And today is no different.

[00:00:51] Hector: Today you get to chat with me. Or you get to listen into the chat with me and a good friend and probably someone who I've known the longest, at least I met him when we were nine, 10 years old, trying to figure out just childhood. And now we're trying to figure out manhood together. And his name is John and his day job, if he's a fitness guy.

[00:01:12] Hector: He trains people. He's a former, Professional, body building competition athlete. I don't like standing next to him when we're at the pool because he makes me look very mediocre, but he's also, you know, he's gone through, he's got a couple of kids, he's got a fake growing family.

[00:01:27] Hector: He's got his own business, and he shares a lot of the ups and downs that come along with. You know, trying to hold it together. Right. it's a really cool conversation and I'm excited for you to get to meet him. So enough of me. Y'all this is John.

[00:01:42] Hector: john, welcome to the modern masculinity podcast, man. It's great to have you here.

[00:01:46] John: Yeah. Thanks for having me.

[00:01:47] Hector: I have a lot of friends on the show, but you are the friend that I've known the longest, our history goes way back geez, I don't know, maybe seven, eight years old. so anyways, you have that crown, as the longest tenured friend, that's been on the show.

[00:02:02] John: Nice.

[00:02:04] Hector: I always start the episodes with asking the guests, like what's real for you.

[00:02:09] Hector: You know, we, we see on social media. A lot of people's highlight reels and it's just like all the best things out. Here's where I went and here's the great dinner, the great place. And we don't always see the real stuff that people are dealing with on a day to day basis. And so I like to use the first part of this episode to get into like some of the shit or some of the real, challenges, whether it be big or small that, you you're facing as man, a husband, a dad, provider, a partner, what's real for you right now?

[00:02:36] John: Oh man. dude, like, just how hard parenting is, you know, growing up, I judged, my parents thought about things I would do differently, when I became a parent. And now that I'm there, it's like, there's a lot more understanding, why they act certain ways parenting's hard.

[00:02:51] John: Life is hard in general, and a lot of people like to Pretend like you should you have to love every single minute being a parent and they're your pride and joy all the time You know, but I just feel like a lot of that is fake Especially when you're around your kids, 24 It can be a struggle, it's not supposed to be easy if you're doing it, right?

[00:03:08] John: It's not supposed to be easy

[00:03:09] Hector: Yeah, steven arms, he's one of our early guests of the show. He came on, he talks about the ladders of manhood and that these experiences, you whether it's the first one is like, you know, moving out and then it's, getting a partner, getting married, moving in with them and then having kids and at each stage, you know, your level of responsibility goes up.

[00:03:27] Hector: And what I've found is that at each stage, you're forced to learn a little bit more about yourself. early on, you could kind of skate by just trying to fit in and trying to be cool, but after a while that doesn't work, it burns out, you kind of get sick of it and then all you're left with is kind of you, It's just been a journey, evolution, thinking I had it all figured out, going back, to being a 25 year old something and thinking like, Oh, I've, I've got it figured out. And then here I am, you know, seven, eight years later and I don't have shit figured out.

[00:04:00] John: yeah, no, I feel the exact same way, we're what, like 32 about to be 33. And I feel like I know less than I did, 10 years ago about everything.

[00:04:10] Hector: the, well, the kids will show you that. I think you're also right. That social media, like, yeah. Makes it difficult because

[00:04:17] Hector: even without social media, everyone's trying to give you advice on how you should parent. And now with social media, you have all this advice coming at you on what you should be doing and how you should be doing it. And by the time they're too, like we had this, plan and Life hit and we last like four or five months by the time our second one, I joke about it with some of my friends, but we came out when we had our first one, we were like, we're going to eat organic, no screens, going to read books, like a year later, our little guy was, eating french fries and he part of it was like we were just exhausted and kind of gave in. And then also the other side of it was like a practicality reason. it's a lot to ask of a person, especially when they don't have and have their own shit figured out.

[00:04:58] John: Yeah. Yeah. No, a hundred percent, same exact thing over here. once the second, my second son came around, it was, it was too hard to keep up,

[00:05:06] Hector: Yes. Two, one is I look at parents who have one, almost like I look at people who say that pets are like, having kids. I'm like, you don't even know like, you don't even like you outnumber them right now, try being outnumbered and then try being outnumbered consistent, like often, like more often than not.

[00:05:26] Hector: it's a different level of, range, right? I've likened it to like, one kid is like playing Madden on normal or like, rookie mode and two is going up to like all hall of fame. it's a different level of skill. That's required, you know, and it's a skill, which is a challenge because like, we're not born with that and we didn't see

[00:05:45] John: All right. Yeah. There are some absolutely wrong way to spam, but there's no script, there's no rule book. and like you said, like everyone, everyone has an opinion. The whole gentle parenting, I think, it can be frustrating, yeah, social media, man, it, social media is a gift and a curse at the same time, you know?

[00:06:01] Hector: it can be like a real challenge I hear a lot of people say like, Oh, I'm on it for work or I'm on it for business. And it's like, perhaps that's a reality. if I'm not conscious and intentional with what I'm watching, it can get really bad, really quickly.

[00:06:16] Hector: can find myself in a really dark hole very quickly just because of reels that I watch I spend a little too long on a reel and then the Instagram or the algorithm picks up on it. And then it's another one and i'm three four layers deep down and i'm ruminating and i'm I have all these stories that are built up in my head and it all happened because Of these videos, right?

[00:06:38] Hector: And it was like, had I not opened my phone, like, you know, something I'm going through right now is I saw a post that had nothing to do with like my situation, like zero to do with my situation. But by seeing it, I automatically related it to like my own sort of thing. And I just can't shake it. I haven't been.

[00:06:56] Hector: And like, I'm like, I know it's there. I've done a couple of breathwork sessions. I've like taken time. I'm like, maybe it'll just go. And, and it was all because of Social media posts from someone I don't even follow

[00:07:07] Hector: It's having like a real impact on my emotions,

[00:07:09] John: And it's, it's like in a matter of seconds, like you spend like one or two seconds longer than your usual and all of a sudden your feet is flooded with that.

[00:07:17] Hector: yeah, in the positive sense, I could see how it can be very helpful, but I've also seen it lead me down some very dark paths, I'm a very conscious person. And I know that most people aren't walking around thinking about how is this real impacting my emotional and mental health?

[00:07:35] Hector: And, you know, what's it doing to, my nervous system and all these sorts of things. they're just consuming it and letting it wash over them. And I think that that's why we, have so many of the challenges that we have in society right now.

[00:07:46] John: Yeah. Yeah. About like. Probably half an hour ago, I was on there and I saw a story in Miami about a four year old almost getting abducted like in CBS. I was reading about it and it made me think of all these different scenarios and it's happening to me right now. And I got so much like anxiety and tension just from that, and it's a real thing, right?

[00:08:06] John: Like we should be aware of that stuff. So it's good to know. That these aren't just paranoid things people think that may happen like these things are happening out there So it's good to be aware of it but I was just sitting here on the couch getting like super tense and just got I probably spent like five ten minutes just spaced out thinking about These different scenarios, if I encounter it,

[00:08:22] Hector: Yeah, you have to draw a line. with your attention, but the other side of it is there is something to that too, that I think you can't be totally oblivious either. There has to be some level of awareness and where that line is, I think is the balance that we have to play.

[00:08:39] Hector: But on that point, I get, I don't know if nervous is the right word because it's like, it's way beyond that, but about what kind of world that our kids are going to live in, our parents and the people that raise us, they probably anticipated that life in the world was going to be generally the same as was.

[00:08:57] Hector: and, Granted, it's changed, but not at the rate that we're going to see over the next, 20 years. And so I don't, I'm struggling at like, how do I prepare this kid? Or do I not fuck this kid up so that he's able to actually thrive in whatever that world looks like?

[00:09:15] Hector: Because who's to know what, it even looks like?

[00:09:18] John: Yeah, man, it's, scary. I think about that all the time my kids are still young enough to where

[00:09:23] John: they don't have to fit in with other kids and what other things going on, but even like the whole screen time thing, you hear, you don't want to give them screen time, but now they're using it in schools or using it a lot. that's technology. That's like the world we live in.

[00:09:34] John: It's just going to keep, advancing, they're going to have to be. Literate, literate and like how to use technology and how to, find resources and find answers and everything. So it's hard to find that balance of allowing them to keep up with that or, you know, holding the old school, like traditional, way of parenting, having them, use their imagination and stuff like that.

[00:09:52] John: You know,

[00:09:53] Hector: Yeah, it's a real hard balance because they're different kids after they use screens, they're like tangibly different kids, their attention, their energy levels, the other day I took the screen away from my son because he was on it for, several hours while I was working.

[00:10:09] Hector: And no it's a different story, but I took it away from him and he's just going crazy and i'm like yo and he's like, can we watch a movie? I'm, like no you need to rev down like you need to give yourself a chance to like cool out The problem is like that over a long period of time kind of worries me like I have to as a 32 year old set limits and reminders and remind myself to put the phone down and not, freak out when it's not in my pocket.

[00:10:38] Hector: And it's like, I'm, a grown man. their brain isn't even fully developed. but to your point, It's going to be around there. Their friends are going to be on it. Like they're going to have to use it in school. kids that, could have been playing video games that were our age.

[00:10:51] Hector: Like those people that were playing video games their whole life, now they're making careers of it. So it's like, where do you draw this line and how do you even kind of for that sort of scenario? It's hard for dads out there right now.

[00:11:04] John: Yeah. You think about like the dopamine release that they get like when they're on it, long term effects of constantly opening something and getting this dopamine hit like over and over and over from such an early age. it's scary to think of, they're going to have that need growing up, to constantly have this dopamine spike multiple times a day.

[00:11:22] John: affecting all of us right now, right? How many of us are bored and we pull out our phone without even thinking, our phones will be dead and we still pull it out to check. it's a habit, and on another point, like I have a client, he's only 17 years old and he's paying for personal training, like on his own.

[00:11:36] John: He may make six figures, editing videos on YouTube, he's still in high school. So there's 1 example of how you could. Make it work for you and make a career out of it. He has his own business already. but that's like one of the few, you know what I mean?

[00:11:48] Hector: yeah. I'm curious to get your thoughts on the connection between mental health and , that was a big thing for me that I noticed my fitness journey, at least this iteration of it kind of started around the pandemic and the lockdown. And, I got started because I looked in the mirror and I was like, you have a dad bod and you're not Leonardo DiCaprio.

[00:12:06] Hector: Like this cannot stand. And so I initially got into it because I wanted to look better, right. The aesthetics and, so lost the weight and whatever, but. the reason I kept coming back was that I didn't work out, I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with the kids as much.

[00:12:22] Hector: I was much shorter with them. I didn't have as much energy. Like there was all these other effects outside of, of looking good or having, more muscles or like whatever it is. And so that for me, uh, Is what keeps me going back to the gym like I know that if I don't work out for a few days, like I'm an asshole, like I'm like, I just I feel like I need to sweat out my anger essentially.

[00:12:43] Hector: And so I'm curious for you, that's your world, you spend most of your day, you know, in the in the kind of the fitness space. But then, your personal evolution has taken you on this path to, redefine your mental health. So how do you look at fitness relation to mental and emotional?

[00:12:58] Hector: maybe in spiritual health.

[00:12:59] John: they go hand in hand. think they're, the same. if you want to be, healthy, you know, if you want to be in a healthy mindset, you have to exercise, you have to move your body. you know, it's been, And proven, for yourself and all my clients, the best thing to do for your happiness and your mental health is just to move your body, the lockdown and COVID.

[00:13:17] John: Really screwed up a lot of people, being locked inside having limited social activity. I still don't think we've seen the effects of that yet. You know, it's still too early, especially for like the kids, you the kids that were in school.

[00:13:29] John: but yeah, I started exercising and really getting into the gym, in high school. And I didn't realize why I got so got so into it was because it was for my own mental health. I was dealing with a lot of stuff. at that age, and, it helped me without even realizing that was the reason why, you know, and obviously I got into it just to look better, but it became like just a daily habit from like the age of 15.

[00:13:50] Hector: Yeah. I find that it's one of the easy, it's one of the things that you can do that by doing it, it helps like all of these other things we talked about the mental health, the physical health, but also the other thing is like, It's a really, I don't want to say an easy way because it's not easy, but it's a simple and go to way to build your self respect, that for guys, and I can't say for guys that for me was something that. had to work on. Josh Wenner. he's a friend of the pot. He put out video that went viral the other day talking about how a lot of guys have leaky energy in the sense that they don't follow through with their commitments That's one of the biggest things that will, essentially ruin a relationship, is that that and if we can't commit or we can't kind of follow through and doing something as simple as as simple, it's not easy, but something as simple as going to the gym or working out or exercising or whatever it is, it makes following through on all of our other commitments That much harder or to be in integrity with ourselves is so much easier when we get up and do those simple, but not easy things.

[00:14:54] Hector: So like, I started waking up and doing a cold shower in the morning I hate it. And my daughter, she looks at me and she's like, is it cold? I'm like, yeah. She's like, why are you doing that? And it's like, because afterwards I, I respect myself more. I'm like, you know, I feel more, I feel more capable of myself, right, like more belief in myself and the gym and exercising is one of those things that seems to be the things that, everybody can do, Not everybody can go, live in a monastery or go, train MMA or like these other sorts of things, but everybody can kind of break a sweat.

[00:15:28] John: Yeah, yeah. And, you know, like I said, it's all about keeping the promises to yourself. the one thing that I always recommend to people that are having any type of struggle in their life, whether it's relationship, career, or, you know, obviously the health and fitness is to start with their health and fitness because, you That's the one thing that you have almost like complete control over, You can control what you eat, you can control if you move, it doesn't have to be at the gym, can go for walks, for runs, do push ups or whatever. but you have pretty much 100 percent control in that. So if you start there, you keep the promises to yourself and just stack on like these daily wins, like you said, your self respect, your self confidence.

[00:15:59] John: you gain so much momentum, carries over to everything. Every other aspect of your life.

[00:16:04] Hector: Yeah. One of the things that I think that you've got just a unique perspective on is, this mental health journey and, we grew up in the same sort of areas, if I'm being honest, you probably had a lot more challenges early on than I did. I've had like a, pretty cushy sort of upbringing, you know, and I think that my parents did everything they could to create that, like that was their goals.

[00:16:26] Hector: They were like optimizing to make it as easy as possible for me, And it's not to blame them, but it's like challenges in life is going to come at you. It's going to hit you at some point, you can't put off life. so to pretend that life is going to be easier, I came out of that world and being like, holy shit, I didn't know it was going to be like this hard.

[00:16:48] Hector: didn't know it was going to be this hard. thankfully I had some tools stuff to kind of lean on, but I can really see how, people who, don't have the tools or the resources of the community or network, like how that's not as easy of bouncing back. for you, I know you've kind of been on your own, sort of journey.

[00:17:05] Hector: what's that been like? Take us into like, your world, in terms of like the mental health journey, And what you've been going through.

[00:17:11] John: Yeah So, my childhood I had a good childhood, it was different than most, most people you know, I grew up with my aunt and my uncle my parents divorced when I was eight They're both alcoholics, couldn't support me and my sister, but I guess from an early age, maybe 5 to 8 years old.

[00:17:26] John: we were like bouncing around, motels living out of a car. and then, like I said, they split ended up living with my aunt. So I kind of saw, I kind of faced adversity a little earlier on. as far as my mental health goes, man, like when I was a kid, I mean, I'm sure you remember, I rarely spoke, everyone thought there was something wrong with me just cause I didn't, I didn't really speak.

[00:17:44] John: I thought there was something wrong with me because everyone was telling me there was something wrong with me, because of, what happened to me as a kid. So I grew up just thinking like, is me. I'm, just a quiet person. Like I'm a shy person. but I think, there's more to it.

[00:17:55] John: I don't know if you want to say I was depressed. Back then. I can't remember exactly like all the feelings that I was feeling, but there's definitely a lot of anxiety. a lot of feeling like I wasn't good enough. my self worth is very low. Self confidence is very low. didn't grow out of that till probably hit like 20 years old.

[00:18:11] John: all throughout high school, I was still trying to, find myself. And again, the gym fitness helped me kind of form this identity to where, like, I guess I felt like people respected me more because I was building this physique, you know what I mean? I would like so much of the good stuff in my life to fitness in the gym it sounds funny.

[00:18:27] John: I met my wife at the gym. So I mean a lot of good things happened and i'm grateful for all the things that happened in my life Even the adversity because it's definitely helped as i've gotten older i've seen the opposite of kind of like what you're saying where You Parents try to shield them, from adversity, like their whole lives and, you know, you can't do that.

[00:18:44] John: Eventually, they got to figure it out themselves.

[00:18:46] Hector: Yeah. my son, he's like, I don't remember what he was trying to do, but it was something basic, like putting on his shoes or picking up something on the floor. And he's like, somebody help me. And I'm like, dude, I can't, I'm not, I can't do this for you. Like I can try and help you and tell you what to do.

[00:19:05] Hector: you are going to have to be, you have to do this. You have to go through this. And I think we were kind of sold this, this life where it's like, go to school, get good grades, go to college, this path.

[00:19:17] Hector: And then, you'll have this fairy tale life or something. I like bought in. I was like, fuck that, happily ever after, that's all I gotta do, like, wife, kids, like, okay, that's it, and then, and then you get here and it's like, well, wait a minute, you didn't say that it came with all of this. Heartbreak and anguish and sadness and whatever, all the real elements of life when that's also just life, to try and remove ourselves from that or pretend, that it's all kind of sanitized frankly, I think it's a little unique to like our generation, like, yeah.

[00:19:52] Hector: you and I are like right around the same, what are you, 32 as well? So we're like, you the same age. We came up at a unique time, at least for us, we still remember before the internet, but we were young enough to like be right on there. But then also a lot of people before us, they had the chance to like scrape their knees and play outside and, I was in fall out of trees, and I feel like for our, our generation, there was this weird kind of gap where it was like, don't go outside.

[00:20:21] Hector: Don't run. Don't get dirty. Don't, like this very safe sort of environment. and I think it made a lot of us like fragile. I had to like, come out and like, go through a bunch of shit to be like, okay, that hardened me, I had to go through it, and so I'm curious if you feel a little similarly.

[00:20:38] John: Yeah, no, absolutely. And I always think, I wonder if, our parents overcompensated for, you The way their parents painted them, to the point where they were too overprotected because they had the opposite. so it's weird. It's weird to think of how this happened.

[00:20:52] John: Cause I noticed that as well. even with my kids, you want to step in and you want to protect them and you don't want them to get hurt, but they have to figure out this stuff on their own. like when they're playing, you know, you're telling them to be careful or don't climb certain things.

[00:21:03] John: they're exploring. They're figuring things out, right? have to let them do that. And scary to let go and let them do that. For example, it's hard for me to let my kids go outside and play and not supervise them as much, even though, like, when we were kids, we'd go out and, pretty much explore the city, with, like, zero supervision.

[00:21:20] John: Like, I don't know how that happened. can't let my kids do that. and I don't know if it's different now, like, with things going around. I feel like it's, should be. The same, there's probably just more awareness shit that's going around, like, crimes and abductions and everything. Um, but it's hard to find that balance of, of letting go and still protecting them.

[00:21:38] Hector: Yeah, yeah, for sure. I posted a video the other day and It's really it's interesting it was talking about how men men these days are being required to put it all together My point of the video which which maybe didn't didn't get through in the clip was that for the first time We're being asked to be a present father and a available partner and a provider all of these things and generations past, they could get away at least societally or expectations or even of themselves with just winning in one lane.

[00:22:15] Hector: There was the guy who made a lot of money, but he was never really home. He didn't see his kids. There was a guy who was at all of the baseball games, all of the coach, all the stuff, but was broken, struggling, and maybe unfulfilled and. unhappy, frankly, there's all these, all these examples of, you could do that, but to do it all together is a challenge that I think, we place that expectations on ourselves, but that blueprint of how to do that.

[00:22:41] Hector: And it's like doing any one of those is a challenge in and of itself being a good dad all the books on that there's books and books and books on being a good dad being a good partner books on that Running a good business books on that doing each at the same time that's kind of what the show is about, is like that part is how do we put it all together?

[00:23:02] Hector: How do we figure it out? How do we still have time for ourselves? how do our kids not hate us? How do we have a business that actually? You provides, a lifestyle that we want, like all of that stuff. and so anyways, I'm just excited that guys like you and me are out there, swinging at it.

[00:23:18] Hector: I haven't put it all together yet, but I'm hacking away.

[00:23:21] John: Yeah. And you know, being aware of it's like the most important thing, every day I get home from work and I'm exhausted and the kids will want to play in my head. I'm like, no, I don't, I just want to rest. But I know everything that you're saying, like, you have to be present and you have to be available for your kids.

[00:23:35] John: So even just that extra, 20 minutes, 30 minutes of playing with them is what makes a difference, right? Instead of just telling them no, I'm resting or whatever, you know what I mean? So I don't know if we'll ever fully figure it out, but having the awareness of the importance of all, all the areas is, I think what's most important,

[00:23:52] Hector: Yeah. this has been a really, really fantastic conversation. , Johnny, people want to follow up with you get deeper in your world. Where's the best place to do that?

[00:24:01] John: probably my Instagram, which is, at cool trainer. john.

[00:24:05] Hector: we'll link that up as well. And, my last question for you, in your opinion, what's the definition of modern masculinity?

[00:24:12] John: have to know when to be hard and aggressive. And you also have to know when you need to be, available, emotionally,

[00:24:19] Hector: Yeah, it's definitely an evolution, right? Though the old way was this bulge only hard, sort of mindset. And now there's a need for a little more integration or perhaps a little more balance, in the yin and the yang, there's that circle in the middle, right, of the other color.

[00:24:34] Hector: And so I think that even for men, we need to have that flash of. Feminine vice versa, perhaps, or whatever it is. So appreciate you, man. For all you fellows who have stuck with us, we appreciate you being here. We would love a rating, a review, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you know a guy who needs to hear this, hit that share button, send them a message, let them know you were thinking about them.

[00:24:53] Hector: And as always, we appreciate you being part of the tribe. We'll see you on the next one. Later fellas.